Entry No: 20 ...
31/01/2013 ...
12:05am ...
Thursday ...
I believe where words fail, music speaks. I am hearing these amazing songs and that is what I feel. There is so much of beauty in music. Music is expression. Music is the inner voice. I wish we all were singers, so we could had sung on a second's notice. I love to sing but whenever I do, My sister runs away because she finds my voice terrible. I do it to improve my voice. But yes, when I choose my songs, I choose my favourites. I have been a rocker for decades now and even today, rock is the very essence of my soul. Those sounds of the guitar. Those lyrics. They have so much of meaning. They convey a message. A thought unheard. A dream forgotten. A man misunderstood. I guess we all relate to music. I remember when I was holidaying in paris, I saw almost everyone in the metro rail with their ipods and dr.dre's. We all find ourselves in our music. I do that everyday. I love my music. Whether it was the mashups the other day or the acoustics today I connect and I can say I live those moments because music takes me to those places where I am waiting to go. Where one day I will be. My music makes me believe that everything is going to be ok. And it doesn't matter if it makes me smile or cry. I live those moments in between those tunes, I live. I wish you all find your music. Just the way I do, everyday. :-)
End Of Entry No: 20 ...
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Entry No: 19 ...
28/01/2013 ...
11:34pm ...
Monday ...
Yes. Dubai was awesome! To be honest I didn't expect that I would like it so much! I shopped like a madman! Of course I can't go into detail into what all I got because the list will take up the entire page! But I loved every moment in Dubai. All thanks to My Dad, the family enjoyed to the core. I am truly blessed to have him as My dad. Fuck what the world thinks and believes. I am his son and I wish that I get to be his son in all of my births! I am back now, home. One of my friends said that you are now back from paradise. I told her, yes, that was paradise but this is home. And nothing feels better than home. Anyways, we shopped, went to the famous Jumeirah Mosque and also visited the Water Theme Park which was located inside our hotel. It was my 1st time in a water park and I must say I honestly enjoyed every moment of it. Even though it was a lot of work climbing those stairs every 5mins, coming down those slides was pretty awesome! My playlist is playing Daylight by Maroon 5. I love the lyrics. And I saw Knocked Up on tv a while back and I found the movie to be beautiful. Their love was so beautiful. I wish I find something like that someday. I don't want to talk about love right now because I know I am going to get hounded by messages filled with taunts and questions. I guess love will have to wait. Anyways, back to dubai. Family vacations are always nice. We get to connect as a family and sit and chat and laugh and joke. We may be dysfunctional but we are family and that is what matters. I am listening to My Wish by Rascal Flatts now. One of my favourite songs. It touches me because it is so tragic and beautiful at the same time. I wish you hear it. Sorry about these weak moments I get. I will try not to bring them up. My Fate has greater things in stored for me and I know I have to be more strong to face the challenges that wait for me. There was this beautiful incident which took place with me in dubai. I was going to the dubai mall and the cab driver was a pakastani. He was very sweet showing me the tourist spots and all and he dropped me safely to my destination. But what I truly noticed was that in the end we all are human beings. In that cab, there was no bitterness. Only kindness and compassion. And that made me smile and sad at the same time. That we humans, have the potential to really co-exist, without taglines of caste, creed and religion but we only end up hating each other. I hope someone changes that someday. I just hope. I. Just. Hope.
End Of Entry No: 19 ...
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Entry No: 18 ...
25/01/2013 ...
05:31am ...
Friday ...
We leave in 60mins for the airport. On our way to dubai. I am excited to visit dubai. Heard so many things about it. Looking forward to it. Yes, I didn't sleep. But I am all packed and ready to go. After writing in you I will take a bath and I will be ready. I saw Raw and a very good movie too. Subhash Ghai's Birthday Bash/His next film's mahurat was superb! Me, Dad and Bhushan were there for an hour and I enjoyed being there. I met many people and I am so happy that each and everyone complimented me on my looks and appearance. I am very happy. And so was Dad. Bhushan was telling me that mostly all the girls in the party were checking me out. That thought made me blush. Met a few old friends and exchanged pleasantries. With some I just spoke. With some I felt connected. But all in all, it was a joyous occasion and the showman himself gave me and Dad tremendous respect. And all the students from whistling woods came up to me and were telling me that I have paved the way of the future for them. I was honoured. I also met some whom I consider my arch enemies but I greeted them with respect and complimented them for their efforts. I guess that was the better man does. He respects his enemies but doesn't necessarily like them. I guess I am one of them. And before the party I went to drop my Sis off to her dance class and while waiting for the lift I saw this girl and mother doing the same. This girl, was so little, was so cute and she wasn't 'proper' in appearance but I found her so beautiful! I mean she was so beautiful because she was so pure and I felt like crying tears of joy! These small things get to me I tell you. I guess there is still some humanity left in me and I have realised that beauty and happiness are mostly found in the simplest of things. We just have to look for them. Thanks to that beautiful girl, I think I found one of them. Until next time ...
End Of Entry No: 18 ...
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Entry No: 17 ...
24/01/2013 ...
08:30pm ...
Thursday ...
I am right now at the office. Dad is getting ready. I will also start getting ready soon. In about an hour we leave for the party. Bhushan just arrived. He was fashionably late. But I don't blame him. The chap comes from all the other way of town. And I wanted him to come to this Mahurat. He hasn't seen any. I guess I will pop his cherry tonight. You know, in the mahurat sense. Irfan is here too. Dad was talking to him and Kasim Bhai on Islam and what a wonderful religion it is. Yes, I do agree. If a person follows it to the 'T' he will truly reach a godly status. Anyways, I am excited for tonight. I have no idea what I am looking forward too. Let's hope for the best. Tomorrow early morning we leave for the airport. To be honest, I plan not to sleep 'cause I have to watch Raw plus 3 dvds I ordered for rent. Let's see. I think my next entry will be from dubai or maybe from the lounge at the airport. I just got a word that Rocky's Filming will resume from the 20th of february. And speaking of films, I heard two lovely scripts in these last two days and I narrated the stories to Dad too and just like me, he also loved the stories. I hope they both materialize. Fingers crossed. Chalo, I gotto go now. Until next time, the fight continues ...
End Of Entry No: 17 ...
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Entry No: 16 ...
24/01/2013 ...
12:20am ...
Thursday ...
First things first. I am in love with My Green Lantern Junk Food t-shirt! I mean I have a huge collection of superhero t-shirts but after The Punisher, I think I am madly in love with The Green Lantern merchandise. Whenever I put this t-shirt on I feel, comfy. I don't know but it is a very comfy feeling. I guess maybe because it is my 1st junk food t-shirt or maybe because it one of the best t-shirts out there! By the way, my buddy nathan is teasing me by sending cool pics of his new spider-man t-shirt. He is a cool guy. I call him 'bhai' and he in return also calls me 'bhai'. Thanks to instagram and superheroes we got connected and now we have a beautiful friendship. Waiting to meet him. Insha-allah I know it will happen soon. Tomorrow, I mean tonight, I am going for Dad's Film's Mahurat. Yes, I had decided that I would be completely anti-social but I guess it is time the press sees a glimpse of me. And I always feel secured when I go with Dad for such events. I always get some footage standing behind him. Otherwise I am always ignored. Ignored for now I should say. So I am excited and nervous at the same time. Of course I am gonna wear the best dress and make the best hair and be as confident as I can. I want too. You see, in the end, it is all about leaving an impression. I am planning to do just that. I have Trx Training again in the morning. I am looking forward to it. Trust Me, in these 13 years, I have done and tried every type of exercise and routine but nothing has excited me as Mma and now Trx. Trx was created by an ex-navy seal so that concept excites me more, that some part of Me is training like a Navy Seal. I recently have got into this fetish hearing mash-up songs and I must say there are some damn good songs out there! People and their talents! They surprise me sometimes. I am surely going to tell you all about the Mahurat once I come back from it because the next day after that the Chakraborty Family leaves for Dubai. That will be interesting too. And today was Mma and the class was filled and guy from all the age brackets were there. There were more kids there than men and to be honest I get very intrigued by their conversations. I used to talk like them once! But now I love it that I am passed that age. I love consider myself 'old'. It is kinda of a funny feeling but I guess that is progress. And yes, I am very proud of my own progress. I am on my 3rd book plus I don't ever want to go back on bbm and I am still away from all of the social sites. Mahaakshay, going strong. New year resolutions still strong. And there is a certain self-realisation as well. That my defence mechanism is getting stronger day by day. I mean I am getting more and more control over it. Anger can be powerful, if we learn the technique to control it. And I guess I am doing just that. And not just anger but my other emotions as well. Mostly the emotions that make me weak. Weakness in the world is death and here only the strong survive ...
End Of Entry No: 16 ...
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Entry No: 15 ...
22/01/2013 ...
06:46pm ...
Tuesday ...
I am at the office right now. The Avid Pro is being installed. My Dad is installing it for my younger bro, Rimoh since he is into Direction and Editing. I am so blessed to have a Father like My Dad. Only few are blessed to have such Fathers. I am proud to say that I am one of them. He leaves no stone unturned for his kids and I wish that someday I become like him or at least half the man that he is. My bros and sis have gone for their Dancing Class. I will be leaving the office soon too. I love our office. The Paparattzy Productions Office. It is like a second home to us now and I feel proud whenever I enter it. I designed it along with my mom and as the days will pass by I know this place will get only better and better. It begins with the Avid Pro, then will come the imacs and then the awards and so on and on. No end to greatness you see. But all greatness begins with a single step. I have started reading my 3rd book for this year. This is the fastest I have gone from book to book. And I am glad this evolution is happening in my life. I am becoming more self curious. I am also very happy for my buddy Bhushan. He is doing great at his job, his family is very happy with him and just now he told me they are major surprises coming his way. I will surely tell you when all of that happens. He is a good soul infact, one of the nicest guys I have ever met and he deserves pure bliss and happiness always. I can go on and on about bhushan because that is how great of a guy he is but I guess in the entries of the future, you will know what I am talking about. I have to go and see the Avid Pro get set up now, so until next time ... The Fight Continues ...
End Of Entry No: 15 ...
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Entry No: 14 ...
22/01/2013 ...
12:30pm ...
Tuesday ...
Sorry I haven't been in touch lately. Was caught up in work. Some unfinished business I should say. But all of that has now taken care off. I sit here, in front of you after doing 60mins of TRX workout. Thanks to that Navy Seal who invented this form of exercise. I am practically in love with it and given a choice I wanna do Trx every day. In fact, after writing in you I am gonna message my coach and tell him to come and train me tomorrow as well. Speaking of training, we have short-burst-cardio training last evening at our Mma class. We have to climb 7 floors of stairs 5 times and then perform more drills in class. And after that our coach told us to wrestle. You know how much I love to wrestle. I mean, I really love to wrestle. Any guy can knock out any bully with the perfect blow to the temple but making a guy tap out is a pleasure only a few can experience. And that is why I love to wrestle so that I can tap out my opponents again and again. But I couldn't wrestle yesterday. In fact I refused to wrestle because I was scared that I may get bruises on my face. Don't take me wrong, if given a choice I would love to bleed, get sore and feel the pain every moment of my life because pain gives me a high but I came home with a black eye once and I almost got the axe from dad and you know what, he was right for giving me those shoutings because no matter how much I love Mma, Movies are my 1st love and I have to sacrifice the happiness I get from tapping out people at the given moment for the happiness I will get when I become one of the most successful actor in the movie business. But I have a confession. In fact two confessions. As you know I m trying to change this year. In fact, trying to evolve and become a better person. But somehow for some reason or the other the world doesn't let me. It's like they want me to be bad. Right now, I seriously don't know what to do about that. But if it goes on like this, I think I will stick to the bad. And the other confession is that I have a dream. Or in other words, an alternative reality. A reality in which my parents have sent me to the states for a year. Where they have agreed to give me some amount of pocket money to survive and half the rent for the studio apartment I will be living in. And once I go there, I join the Ufc Gym in Los Angeles and train there twice a day for 2hrs each and work for the remaining hours of the day. Yes, that is my alternative reality. A reality which takes me far away from the reality in which I am a coward to face the world today. I don't talk to media today because I know that they don't need me right now. A reality in which I hide my face if I see a big shot director, actor or producer passing my way. Yes, this is my reality today. And I am afraid of it. But I know one day both of my realities will change. One day, they will merge into one. And I will have the best of both worlds. And until that day comes, I will do what I do best ... I will keep on fighting ...
End Of Entry No: 14 ...
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Entry No: 13 ...
18/01/2013 ...
12:00am ...
Friday ...
Today was a good day. I mean really a good day. I am happy. I did some great progress today. First I did all that I needed to do on my to-do list. Then I bought a new phone. A nice, small and adequate song phone for myself replacing the blackberry. If this was me a year ago I would had been panting by now. Until a while back, bbm mattered to me and so did the people in it. But now I over that phase. I am very happy where I am today because for me 'I' matters more now. I am evolving. Even though it is step by step, it is progress. And that is something to cherish about. I am glad I was up by 08:00am. Most people don't follow their new year resolutions just after the 3rd day in the new year. Luckily I am one of the few who is strong in his convictions and is standing strong. As I said, baby steps. First come the priorities and then come the leisure activities. That is the true art balance. I messaged my Dad today. I told him that I am a fighter, just like him and we Chakrabortys are warriors and we never stop fighting. That is true. Some days maybe shitty but not all are. We fall nine but get up ten. That is how winning is done. My time will come. The Fallen Will Rise Again. Going off bbm will bring me more closer to myself and my inner being. It was spreading like a cancer. But now I have cured the disease. I am more stronger than I was yesterday. I am more of a man than I was yesterday. I am the hero I search. I am the power that I seek. I am the destiny that I am waiting for. I am Me ...
End Of Entry No: 13 ...
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Entry No: 12 ...
16/01/2013 ...
03:40pm ...
Wednesday ...
I am back home. Have Mma in the evening. Looking forward to it. Just made a brand new playlist for it. All filled with rock songs. I love rock songs! They motivate me and charge me up and I think Rock is one of those genres which has showcases the real essence of the it's lyrics as well. Anyways, I am looking forward to my Mma class in the evening. I have already informed all my mma partners and coach that I am coming. I also informed sushil sir that I want training at home everyday now. When I am home, training is what I do best and training keeps me occupied, plus it helps me stay fit and ready for war. Last night while travelling back to mumbai, I met a very wonderful gentleman on the plane and we struck up many verbal conversations on topics like politics, women and family. It was wonderful to chat with him. And before he left he said that I will go a long way because I am very matured for my age and a very humble human being. I don't know why everyone else thinks I am a kid. I guess they don't have the patience to know me truly. Anyways, I got a message from a friend today asking me why I am not on twitter or any other social sites. I told him I am going away from all these things slowly slowly. And I am happy that my actions are now taking fruit. I know very soon I will also be of bbm. My trigger-happy side gets triggered when I see 'recent updates' from time to time. So very soon I will be back to nokia I guess. It is astonishing but today, whatever my dad has said is coming true. Today, whatever he said makes sense to me and I am becoming the man he thought I was. That is a proud moment for me. I guess we all become the men who grew up around. Matt Galagher wrote his blogs and just left it there. He never cared for publicity. I wasn't like that before. I wanted the world to read my blogs that is why I sent them everywhere. But now, I don't care. I just write them, upload them and leave it there. I am very happy these changes are coming in me. One should be attuned with themselves than with the satisfaction they get from others. Today I am becoming that man. The voices guide me. Take me to where I am meant to go. I know now that no matter how hard I try I won't be the kid next door and to be honest I don't even want to be. Sacrifice is necessary. Sacrifice is a must. The Monster must be fed.
"Oh you hungry beast, come and take me. Take me home. Take me to where I belong. Take me to the madness. To the blood and gore. To where ashes fall as rain. The place I find my peace. Take me to my war. Make me complete. Make me whole. And end this misery. In my war, give me my salvation. Oh you dreaded monster, come and take me home."
End Of Entry No: 12 ...
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Entry No: 11 ...
14/01/2013 ...
11:57pm ...
Monday ...
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Entry No. 10 ...
14/01/2013 ...
Monday ...
06:20pm ...
Hello again. I have packed up for the day. In the hotel again. I am supposed to go for my cardio but I am not feeling like it. I wanna write in you today, now, at this very moment. I have been thinking of writing in you since afternoon. I was feeling a little edgy. I don't know why I sometimes feel like this. It is like the actor and the human are two completely different individuals. I have learnt the trait to switch on and off very easily now. I guess that is something we all have to go through. Tomorrow I go back to mumbai after an entire day's of shoot. I am looking forward to the shoot. I have been reading this amazing book The Catcher In The Rye. A part of me is happy because I am learning new things in life and reading more stories and the other side of me is happy because I am keeping my new year's resolution. Me and my jealousy. That is my weakness. I just can't stand it when people tell me they are busy with work back to back and don't even have time to breath. I try not to think about it. I try to run away from my thoughts. I try. I love this track, "Castle Of Glass" by linkin park. The lyrics hit me. They hit me hard and tell me who I am. I have heard this song I think a million times over and I love it every time I hear it. Just like I love "Far From Home" from five finer death punch. That song makes me cry. It really does. I don't know what it is but I love to be broken. To be this damaged goods who can't be fixed. I mean I am trying to find a connect you know. And I know so so many people with whom I can try. But I don't feel it. I just don't. I guess I am who I am and I am just trying to be something that I am not. Something that I can never be. I had a harness shot today. I wasn't getting it right. I hate it when I do that. Not get something right. I want to always excel. Always do it right. Always make it work. I just hate myself when I don't do it right. I wasn't born to make errors. I was born to be perfect. I have to improve and there is always room for improvement. There always is. And 2013 has brought many changes in the lives of the people I know. And I am glad it has. I know it will for me too. Anytime now. There are many things I cherish and there are many things I am also angry about. Some of it I had it coming because I deserved it and a part of me always thought that because I was a prick that I am being punished. But I have laid some of my demons to rest and found closure in the hope that I would be forgiven for my sins. Maybe there is a part of me who wants to find redemption. And maybe there is a part of me who wants this. This un-ending war. This barbaric, ruthless, savage war. I wish I could had just kept on writing in you. Oh I wish that so much! I am really trying you know bro. I am trying to find that connect. I am really trying to feel. But I can't. Sitting here, thinking of all those people and the places I have been, I feel nothing. Just empty. Is it too late for me? Is this it? The end of the line from which I have no going back too? I sometimes fear it is. People don't understand that. They give their point of views. They always do. I mean they care and all but I don't connect with them the way I connect with you and Diary. You guys know me. These people still haven't figured me out. I mean I want to speak my heart out to them but I just can't, I don't know. I just don't feel bro. I wish I did. I guess this is the way I am always going to be. The Universe wouldn't want me to go through something just for the heck of it. There is a message in here. Telling me that I am not meant to be around people, I mean, people who would want to understand me because they never will. There was this movie called 'Home Of The Brave' and one of the characters in the film is a marine who comes home after serving in iraq. His family is thrilled that he is back but something always told him that he didn't belong there and so, eventually, in the end of the film, he goes back to Iraq. What I am trying to say is that no matter how hard I try to be normal and mingle and have friends and be like everybody else and speak my heart out, deep down, I know I will never be that guy. Deep down I know I will never find that connection with people. Deep down I know I will always be the guy who rides of in the sun set. Deep down I know that I will always be that guy …
End Of Entry No.10 ...
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Entry No: 9 ...
13/01/2013 ...
Sunday ...
03:44pm ...
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Entry No: 8 ...
11/01/2013 ...
Friday ...
12:44pm ...
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Entry No:7 ...
08/01/2013 ...
12:23am ...
Been on the mac for a while but I finally opened my blogger website. Today is shrikant's birthday. This will be the 1st time I will be going to his dinner party. Me and the rest of the folks. Thinking of a good present for him. My bro is watching a war movie. The one I saw today in the afternoon. It will be over soon and then I can put on my music again. Don't wanna distract him you know. Today was a good day. Did functional training in the morning and did some light jogging in the evening as well. To be honest, in the morning I thought I was done for the day but didn't know where the energy came from. I finished reading 50 Shades Of Grey. Lovely book. Al though it has two more parts I think I will return to the series after a couple of books. My next is The Catcher In The Rye. Rimoh told me it is revelation. I am looking forward to it. I have always envied my brother for his intellectuality. Maybe that is why I want to do the things that he wants to do. This will benefit me too. I will get to read more and learn more as well. Books really help a lot. Fictional or non-fictional. They take us to places we never thought we could had ever gone. My brother just finished the film. He loved it the same way I loved it and I loved the moment we shared, even if it was for a brief moment before he went to talk to his friend. We shared views because we experienced something similar. I loved that moment. I guess it is always the little things na. My playlist is back on. A beautiful song is being played in the background. Jeez, I am blank. I don't know what to write next. I guess My over-thinking brain will develop some thought tomorrow morning. But until next time, I want to say thank you for being there for me blogger buddy. Thank you for always being there for me. Means a lot. :-)
End Of Entry No:7 ...
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Entry No:6 ...
07/01/2013 ...
11:21pm ...
About to sleep soon. Will do the last voice practice of the day in bed. Day:One was good. Even Mma was good. I am mentioning good because it wasn't great because I know I can do more. But good is better than bad so I will take it. I have put medicine on my shoulder. This pain ain't going away. I hope it does with this ointment. Ask any fighter what he fears most and he will say that he fears an injury more than a loss because injuries put you out of action, something no one wants! My playlist just started 'Beauty And A Beat' by Justin Bieber. I love that song, especially because I imagine me and Lindsay Lohan in it. Yes, she is still my crush. I don't know if crushes last this long. Mine still does. I saw the trailer of the new scary movie and she looked oh so beautiful in it! I guess I always over look her minuses. I was playing Battlefield:3 on the ps3. Al though I have finished the campaign in the xbox 360 years ago, the game attracted Me once again. There is something about war games that I can't get enough of you know. Something about being a soldier which I so much love. No one has ever understood that. I think no one ever will. It is about that constant fight. That constant energy and acceleration. It is like a drug. I think a part of me has felt that. Maybe in my previous birth. And I guess my soul still has fragments of it. That is why maybe I am attracted so much to the soldier's lifestyle I guess. I fear I may not even pass the 1st level of training when it comes to army school but there is this force in me. A force that can't stop. That doesn't want to stop. Who wants to fight. Who wants to face pain and out weigh it. That is why even though this shoulder pain is taking the best of me a part of me is loving it. This pain. It is so sweet. So special. I believe it makes me stronger. Stronger than the rest. And I want more of it. So much more. Just like every character from Call Of Duty. Just like Matt Damon in The Green Zone. Just like the Marines from Generation Kill. I never want to stop. I always want to go on and on. I remember in the Punisher:Up Is Down. Black Is White, The Punisher goes on a killing spree and He tells us, the readers, "I have a dream. A dream in which I never stop." Those words echo through my senses even today. To have that power to never stop. I always knew that I would never fit in society and maybe that is why I keep my interactions with the world to a minimum. The Powers That Be have chosen Me for a cause beyond the norms of society. I know it. I feel it in my gut. And I have been waiting for that moment for so long now. I just wish someone up there answers me soon. Being honest blogger buddy, this is all I want. To be an unstoppable force of nature which never stops. I crave for my war. I crave for Work. I crave for the scars and the bruises and soreness and the pain. I crave for a life beyond the norms of society. I just wish someone up there is listening. I just wish someone up there answers soon ...
End Of Entry No:6 ...
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Entry No:5 ...
07/01/2013 ...
05:06pm ...
Hey there once again my friend. Headaches can be a bitch. Something I am familiar. I mean the pain. I wanted to go for a quick jog to the gym but because of this headache I can't. I have Mma soon, so for the greater good, I have rested it out. I guess it was yesterday's guilt that wanted me to go for a jog. To burn the extra calories. But I guess slow and steady wins the race and I have to make it to day:6 instead of withering out on day:one. It is a dieting thing. I guess you will get the hang of it soon. This is more better you know. To come here and type whenever I feel like instead of writing once a week. I feel more better and lighter. I will be doing my voice practice once I am in the car and this time, it will be the encore version. My mind keeps on telling me, "train mimoh! Never stop training!" and I listen to it for he is true. When I am not working, training is what I do best. A very close friend just asked me today, "you miss being on the sets, don't you?" and I just replied with the smiley. Trust me bro, you have no idea how badly I want to be there. My place of worship. The place where I belong. But I know I have to wait. I am patient. I will be. And in this time of waiting, I will train and make myself the best version of myself, no matter how difficult it may get at times. I have to survive and I have to fight. That is what I do best. From this week onwards, I have also added one movie to my time table. Meaning, I will watch one film a day for an actor's observation. The one thing we actors have to do best is observe and that is something I can't miss out on. My playlist is playing Pungi from Agent Vinod. I have become of this song just recently and I really enjoy it when it plays. I am also in love with Whistle from Flo Rida and whenever I hear it, I wanna tweet that I am in love with the song but I am keeping my social interactions to the minimum. I am balancing it you know. At least I am trying too. "Before You Say, 'I Can't', Say, 'I Will Try' And Then Give It Your Best." I have to get ready for Mma now. Until next time ...
End Of Entry No:5 ...
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Entry No:4 ...
04/012013 ...
11:09pm ...
Good evening blogger buddy. I still have to think of a name for you. You must have met Michael by now. And even Mr.Diary. But since you are the latest member in the family, a nice name you truly deserve. Will think of it soon. Speaking of new members, my new pet, alaska is quite a handful. Even though she literally fits in my hand. She pisses and shits in my room and I clean it everytime. I thought I would freak out with that idea but I am actually liking it. She spends a lot of time with me and always comes to play with me. She is only 2 months old and I feel she is like my child. It is like I am getting parenthood classes 101. Life's irony I tell you. The guy who has commitment phobias is actually taking care of another living being. And I think I am doing a decent job at it. I have to have my last meal in about 15mins. Dal and bhaji. Went to the passport office today. Diet timings went out the window. And I couldn't even clean my hall. Feeling guilty about it. I even missed Mma today due to heavy traffic but substituted that with a moderate intensity run on the treadmill. That made me feel slightly better. But tomorrow is a brand new day and I can do lots. As eminem told in the 8 mile, "every moment is another chance" and so I am all geared up for tomorrow. I had to wait more than I had expected at the passport office. But luckily I had the cnn app to read the news. I read all of it. A part of me wants to know more about the world but the more I know, the more I get angry because I can't stop the rapes and the killings. Hope someday I have the power to change things. As I was waiting at the office I realised that patience is a man's greatest test. Something I learnt a long time ago and something I am very familiar with. Patience has made me the man I am today. Speaking of which, it is award season again and that scares the shit out of me because my jealous side spikes up on red bull! You know how much I envy my rivals and all the fame they have. They ride to glory while I wait in the darkness. I know one day my time will come and I will be ready to embrace it. It ain't easy. It was never easy. Those dark thoughts. They can consume me easily. And especially when I sit idle. I try not to stay idle. Dad and me relate with that theory. He tells me, "an idle mind is the devil's workshop" so keep it occupied. My Dad confides in Me now. I am happy he does. He finds me responsible. I like being responsible. It is my choosing. I want to take over the business. I don't want idle thoughts. They remind me of my past, of the one who left me. Her memories which linger in the darkness. They show me my reality when I am constantly running away from it. People think I don't 'live' my life. What do they know? 'Live a little' it seems. Ya, right! Step in my shoes, then you will know my war. I thought they did but the reality is they are too busy in their own lives. I am not angry Mr.Blogger, I am just accepting facts and accepting these facts has made Me a calmer person. People won't understand and the truth is, I am beyond that. This is who I am. This is who I am always going to be. I guess only Michael, You and Diary will understand that. Until next time ...
End of Entry No:4 ...
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Entry No:3 ...
04/01/2013 ...
12:22am ...
I am trying to sleep. And something tells Me I will get it soon. I am hearing Knockin' on heavens door by bob dylan. Wow! What an amazing song it is. I am kinda getting emotional. It hits me. I don't know how music does that to me. But it is causing it's affect on me. Why am I getting emotional? This song was a tribute to the brave soldiers who dies during the american-vietnam conflict all those years ago. Way before I was born. Am I knocking on heaven's door too? I don't know, maybe. I guess I am looking for forgiveness and redemption. A chance to change Myself. I was always the person who was with his thoughts but since the past few days, the thoughts have increased. But my thoughts don't want a voice anymore. They have become calm. There are people out there who want to 'understand', who want to 'help'. They can't. I am beyond fixing. As grey says, "I am 50 shades of fucked up." I guess I relate. I am empty. I always was. But this time I am not fighting it. I am embracing it. This is who I am. I keep on telling Myself. It is all about me now. One day, they all will forget, they all will leave. I wish they do. They never understood. It always end up being about them and their problems, and I have to understand. But 2013 has put an end to that. I am a new me now. See, no more caps lock when i type 'me'. I guess change takes time. But it does happen. I didn't like the old me. I like the new me. The calmer me. Trust me, there is one thing I have learnt in this life and that is never to be dependent on anyone for anything because they always let you down and it is better to do your work yourself. I guess I am knockin' on heavens door. Seeking god's forgiveness or whoever or whatever that is up there. I have done my share of shit. But I want a chance to be good too. Not for others but for myself. For my soul. So when I do die, I die in peace making peace with all the bad I have done. I guess the calmness shows us who we are. And finally, after 28 1/2 years, I am seeing that for myself. I am knockin' on heavens door. Hope someone replies ...
End Of Entry No:3 ...
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Entry No:2 ...
03/01/2013 ...
01:42pm ...
Doing as much as I can. And I am liking it. And I think I am getting comfortable with the new me. I know it takes time but I will reach there. Where I want to go. Off the grid. So far, I am doing it right. I must. I have too. There is no other way. Some are taking notice. Most of them don't even care. I am glad. I want it that way. I believe that if I stop answering the questions, they will stop asking. I am glad. Very soon, I won't even be a memory. I have loads to do myself. I cleaned the bathroom today. It looks spick and span now. Touchwood. Voice practice also done. And I am loving 50 shades of grey. Damn that grey! He is somewhat like me. Is that a good thing? I don't know. I am getting into the 'book' phase of my life now. I am liking it. Luckily today is rest day. My body can't take the pain. I am glad I get time to recover today. Tomorrow, it is back to training. I always wanted to be like this. To feel nothing. To do only one thing. My work. In about 12mins I have my grilled chicken. Count the calories mimoh. It helps. Thanks to technology I know what I am eating. I love My playlist. Kelly Clarkson is singing "What doesn't kill you make you stronger." Apt song for the phase that I am going through. Phase? I think that is the wrong word to use. This is the way I want to be now. This is the new me now. Always and forever. To be honest I never knew I hadn't in me. Everything in life comes with a price. Either you fit in and you become a commoner or stand out and be hated. I choose to stand out. This is who I am. This is who I was always meant to be. I guess life brings you to where you are. I am so happy that this 'inner' change has finally awakened in Me. More 6mins to go. Yes, timing is everything. The meals have to be eaten once every 2 hours. I have to be strict. I have to be disciplined. Greatness doesn't come easy. Nothing great in life comes easy. You have to work for it. You have to become worthy. No one will understand. I do. And that is what matters. In fact, that is what always mattered ...
End Of Entry No:2 ...
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Entry No.1 ...
01/01/2013 ...
08:12pm ...
Welcome to 2013. So far so good. I did all that I wanted to do for the day. Training and Dieting are the key ingredients and they have been dealt with successfully. I still have a few more thing to do today before I go off to sleep but I am happy of what all I did today. This is only day:one. Well day:three on My diet chart. It is a long story. Wait, I am not talking to the world anymore. This is My blog now. Whoever wants, can come and read at their own free will. Off the grid. It is working so far. So many people who have wished Me for the new year's but I haven't replied to them all. I don't know whether that is mean or not. But this is the way it has to be done. Kaushik and nadira are now watching Loot. That film brings back so many memories. Memories I don't want to remember. But they even show me my progress. Show me where I have come. i am proud of the progress but as the great Vivekananda once said, "I have miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep." And so is the case with me. I know I still have a lot more I need to achieve and maybe this is that start. Maybe this is that progress. speaking of progress, I am thankful to Dishi and Rimoh to introduce Me to this app on the iphone which shows how to keep track on the food I eat. I am focused. Very focused. And focus is helping. This is the way I want to be. I wrote in My new diary today. Al though it doesn't have dates in it, it is more than enough for me to write down my thoughts, like the good old days. It has been exactly a year since I gave up writing in diaries. But now I am back doing that. I guess old habits die hard. I guess we all go back to our roots. To our origins. Where we truly belong. I guess this is where I belong. People won't understand this feeling. This calmness. I guess it is even hard to explain it. I am this way. I guess I always was. I was lying to Myself with a lie. A lie I wanted to be real in which I am like everybody else but I guess I will always be the outsider. The odd one out. This is Me, Mahaakshay Mimoh Chakraborty. And this is My story.
End Of Entry No.1 ...
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31/01/2013 ...
12:05am ...
Thursday ...
I believe where words fail, music speaks. I am hearing these amazing songs and that is what I feel. There is so much of beauty in music. Music is expression. Music is the inner voice. I wish we all were singers, so we could had sung on a second's notice. I love to sing but whenever I do, My sister runs away because she finds my voice terrible. I do it to improve my voice. But yes, when I choose my songs, I choose my favourites. I have been a rocker for decades now and even today, rock is the very essence of my soul. Those sounds of the guitar. Those lyrics. They have so much of meaning. They convey a message. A thought unheard. A dream forgotten. A man misunderstood. I guess we all relate to music. I remember when I was holidaying in paris, I saw almost everyone in the metro rail with their ipods and dr.dre's. We all find ourselves in our music. I do that everyday. I love my music. Whether it was the mashups the other day or the acoustics today I connect and I can say I live those moments because music takes me to those places where I am waiting to go. Where one day I will be. My music makes me believe that everything is going to be ok. And it doesn't matter if it makes me smile or cry. I live those moments in between those tunes, I live. I wish you all find your music. Just the way I do, everyday. :-)
End Of Entry No: 20 ...
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Entry No: 19 ...
28/01/2013 ...
11:34pm ...
Monday ...
Yes. Dubai was awesome! To be honest I didn't expect that I would like it so much! I shopped like a madman! Of course I can't go into detail into what all I got because the list will take up the entire page! But I loved every moment in Dubai. All thanks to My Dad, the family enjoyed to the core. I am truly blessed to have him as My dad. Fuck what the world thinks and believes. I am his son and I wish that I get to be his son in all of my births! I am back now, home. One of my friends said that you are now back from paradise. I told her, yes, that was paradise but this is home. And nothing feels better than home. Anyways, we shopped, went to the famous Jumeirah Mosque and also visited the Water Theme Park which was located inside our hotel. It was my 1st time in a water park and I must say I honestly enjoyed every moment of it. Even though it was a lot of work climbing those stairs every 5mins, coming down those slides was pretty awesome! My playlist is playing Daylight by Maroon 5. I love the lyrics. And I saw Knocked Up on tv a while back and I found the movie to be beautiful. Their love was so beautiful. I wish I find something like that someday. I don't want to talk about love right now because I know I am going to get hounded by messages filled with taunts and questions. I guess love will have to wait. Anyways, back to dubai. Family vacations are always nice. We get to connect as a family and sit and chat and laugh and joke. We may be dysfunctional but we are family and that is what matters. I am listening to My Wish by Rascal Flatts now. One of my favourite songs. It touches me because it is so tragic and beautiful at the same time. I wish you hear it. Sorry about these weak moments I get. I will try not to bring them up. My Fate has greater things in stored for me and I know I have to be more strong to face the challenges that wait for me. There was this beautiful incident which took place with me in dubai. I was going to the dubai mall and the cab driver was a pakastani. He was very sweet showing me the tourist spots and all and he dropped me safely to my destination. But what I truly noticed was that in the end we all are human beings. In that cab, there was no bitterness. Only kindness and compassion. And that made me smile and sad at the same time. That we humans, have the potential to really co-exist, without taglines of caste, creed and religion but we only end up hating each other. I hope someone changes that someday. I just hope. I. Just. Hope.
End Of Entry No: 19 ...
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Entry No: 18 ...
25/01/2013 ...
05:31am ...
Friday ...
We leave in 60mins for the airport. On our way to dubai. I am excited to visit dubai. Heard so many things about it. Looking forward to it. Yes, I didn't sleep. But I am all packed and ready to go. After writing in you I will take a bath and I will be ready. I saw Raw and a very good movie too. Subhash Ghai's Birthday Bash/His next film's mahurat was superb! Me, Dad and Bhushan were there for an hour and I enjoyed being there. I met many people and I am so happy that each and everyone complimented me on my looks and appearance. I am very happy. And so was Dad. Bhushan was telling me that mostly all the girls in the party were checking me out. That thought made me blush. Met a few old friends and exchanged pleasantries. With some I just spoke. With some I felt connected. But all in all, it was a joyous occasion and the showman himself gave me and Dad tremendous respect. And all the students from whistling woods came up to me and were telling me that I have paved the way of the future for them. I was honoured. I also met some whom I consider my arch enemies but I greeted them with respect and complimented them for their efforts. I guess that was the better man does. He respects his enemies but doesn't necessarily like them. I guess I am one of them. And before the party I went to drop my Sis off to her dance class and while waiting for the lift I saw this girl and mother doing the same. This girl, was so little, was so cute and she wasn't 'proper' in appearance but I found her so beautiful! I mean she was so beautiful because she was so pure and I felt like crying tears of joy! These small things get to me I tell you. I guess there is still some humanity left in me and I have realised that beauty and happiness are mostly found in the simplest of things. We just have to look for them. Thanks to that beautiful girl, I think I found one of them. Until next time ...
End Of Entry No: 18 ...
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Entry No: 17 ...
24/01/2013 ...
08:30pm ...
Thursday ...
I am right now at the office. Dad is getting ready. I will also start getting ready soon. In about an hour we leave for the party. Bhushan just arrived. He was fashionably late. But I don't blame him. The chap comes from all the other way of town. And I wanted him to come to this Mahurat. He hasn't seen any. I guess I will pop his cherry tonight. You know, in the mahurat sense. Irfan is here too. Dad was talking to him and Kasim Bhai on Islam and what a wonderful religion it is. Yes, I do agree. If a person follows it to the 'T' he will truly reach a godly status. Anyways, I am excited for tonight. I have no idea what I am looking forward too. Let's hope for the best. Tomorrow early morning we leave for the airport. To be honest, I plan not to sleep 'cause I have to watch Raw plus 3 dvds I ordered for rent. Let's see. I think my next entry will be from dubai or maybe from the lounge at the airport. I just got a word that Rocky's Filming will resume from the 20th of february. And speaking of films, I heard two lovely scripts in these last two days and I narrated the stories to Dad too and just like me, he also loved the stories. I hope they both materialize. Fingers crossed. Chalo, I gotto go now. Until next time, the fight continues ...
End Of Entry No: 17 ...
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Entry No: 16 ...
24/01/2013 ...
12:20am ...
Thursday ...
First things first. I am in love with My Green Lantern Junk Food t-shirt! I mean I have a huge collection of superhero t-shirts but after The Punisher, I think I am madly in love with The Green Lantern merchandise. Whenever I put this t-shirt on I feel, comfy. I don't know but it is a very comfy feeling. I guess maybe because it is my 1st junk food t-shirt or maybe because it one of the best t-shirts out there! By the way, my buddy nathan is teasing me by sending cool pics of his new spider-man t-shirt. He is a cool guy. I call him 'bhai' and he in return also calls me 'bhai'. Thanks to instagram and superheroes we got connected and now we have a beautiful friendship. Waiting to meet him. Insha-allah I know it will happen soon. Tomorrow, I mean tonight, I am going for Dad's Film's Mahurat. Yes, I had decided that I would be completely anti-social but I guess it is time the press sees a glimpse of me. And I always feel secured when I go with Dad for such events. I always get some footage standing behind him. Otherwise I am always ignored. Ignored for now I should say. So I am excited and nervous at the same time. Of course I am gonna wear the best dress and make the best hair and be as confident as I can. I want too. You see, in the end, it is all about leaving an impression. I am planning to do just that. I have Trx Training again in the morning. I am looking forward to it. Trust Me, in these 13 years, I have done and tried every type of exercise and routine but nothing has excited me as Mma and now Trx. Trx was created by an ex-navy seal so that concept excites me more, that some part of Me is training like a Navy Seal. I recently have got into this fetish hearing mash-up songs and I must say there are some damn good songs out there! People and their talents! They surprise me sometimes. I am surely going to tell you all about the Mahurat once I come back from it because the next day after that the Chakraborty Family leaves for Dubai. That will be interesting too. And today was Mma and the class was filled and guy from all the age brackets were there. There were more kids there than men and to be honest I get very intrigued by their conversations. I used to talk like them once! But now I love it that I am passed that age. I love consider myself 'old'. It is kinda of a funny feeling but I guess that is progress. And yes, I am very proud of my own progress. I am on my 3rd book plus I don't ever want to go back on bbm and I am still away from all of the social sites. Mahaakshay, going strong. New year resolutions still strong. And there is a certain self-realisation as well. That my defence mechanism is getting stronger day by day. I mean I am getting more and more control over it. Anger can be powerful, if we learn the technique to control it. And I guess I am doing just that. And not just anger but my other emotions as well. Mostly the emotions that make me weak. Weakness in the world is death and here only the strong survive ...
End Of Entry No: 16 ...
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Entry No: 15 ...
22/01/2013 ...
06:46pm ...
Tuesday ...
I am at the office right now. The Avid Pro is being installed. My Dad is installing it for my younger bro, Rimoh since he is into Direction and Editing. I am so blessed to have a Father like My Dad. Only few are blessed to have such Fathers. I am proud to say that I am one of them. He leaves no stone unturned for his kids and I wish that someday I become like him or at least half the man that he is. My bros and sis have gone for their Dancing Class. I will be leaving the office soon too. I love our office. The Paparattzy Productions Office. It is like a second home to us now and I feel proud whenever I enter it. I designed it along with my mom and as the days will pass by I know this place will get only better and better. It begins with the Avid Pro, then will come the imacs and then the awards and so on and on. No end to greatness you see. But all greatness begins with a single step. I have started reading my 3rd book for this year. This is the fastest I have gone from book to book. And I am glad this evolution is happening in my life. I am becoming more self curious. I am also very happy for my buddy Bhushan. He is doing great at his job, his family is very happy with him and just now he told me they are major surprises coming his way. I will surely tell you when all of that happens. He is a good soul infact, one of the nicest guys I have ever met and he deserves pure bliss and happiness always. I can go on and on about bhushan because that is how great of a guy he is but I guess in the entries of the future, you will know what I am talking about. I have to go and see the Avid Pro get set up now, so until next time ... The Fight Continues ...
End Of Entry No: 15 ...
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Entry No: 14 ...
22/01/2013 ...
12:30pm ...
Tuesday ...
Sorry I haven't been in touch lately. Was caught up in work. Some unfinished business I should say. But all of that has now taken care off. I sit here, in front of you after doing 60mins of TRX workout. Thanks to that Navy Seal who invented this form of exercise. I am practically in love with it and given a choice I wanna do Trx every day. In fact, after writing in you I am gonna message my coach and tell him to come and train me tomorrow as well. Speaking of training, we have short-burst-cardio training last evening at our Mma class. We have to climb 7 floors of stairs 5 times and then perform more drills in class. And after that our coach told us to wrestle. You know how much I love to wrestle. I mean, I really love to wrestle. Any guy can knock out any bully with the perfect blow to the temple but making a guy tap out is a pleasure only a few can experience. And that is why I love to wrestle so that I can tap out my opponents again and again. But I couldn't wrestle yesterday. In fact I refused to wrestle because I was scared that I may get bruises on my face. Don't take me wrong, if given a choice I would love to bleed, get sore and feel the pain every moment of my life because pain gives me a high but I came home with a black eye once and I almost got the axe from dad and you know what, he was right for giving me those shoutings because no matter how much I love Mma, Movies are my 1st love and I have to sacrifice the happiness I get from tapping out people at the given moment for the happiness I will get when I become one of the most successful actor in the movie business. But I have a confession. In fact two confessions. As you know I m trying to change this year. In fact, trying to evolve and become a better person. But somehow for some reason or the other the world doesn't let me. It's like they want me to be bad. Right now, I seriously don't know what to do about that. But if it goes on like this, I think I will stick to the bad. And the other confession is that I have a dream. Or in other words, an alternative reality. A reality in which my parents have sent me to the states for a year. Where they have agreed to give me some amount of pocket money to survive and half the rent for the studio apartment I will be living in. And once I go there, I join the Ufc Gym in Los Angeles and train there twice a day for 2hrs each and work for the remaining hours of the day. Yes, that is my alternative reality. A reality which takes me far away from the reality in which I am a coward to face the world today. I don't talk to media today because I know that they don't need me right now. A reality in which I hide my face if I see a big shot director, actor or producer passing my way. Yes, this is my reality today. And I am afraid of it. But I know one day both of my realities will change. One day, they will merge into one. And I will have the best of both worlds. And until that day comes, I will do what I do best ... I will keep on fighting ...
End Of Entry No: 14 ...
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Entry No: 13 ...
18/01/2013 ...
12:00am ...
Friday ...
Today was a good day. I mean really a good day. I am happy. I did some great progress today. First I did all that I needed to do on my to-do list. Then I bought a new phone. A nice, small and adequate song phone for myself replacing the blackberry. If this was me a year ago I would had been panting by now. Until a while back, bbm mattered to me and so did the people in it. But now I over that phase. I am very happy where I am today because for me 'I' matters more now. I am evolving. Even though it is step by step, it is progress. And that is something to cherish about. I am glad I was up by 08:00am. Most people don't follow their new year resolutions just after the 3rd day in the new year. Luckily I am one of the few who is strong in his convictions and is standing strong. As I said, baby steps. First come the priorities and then come the leisure activities. That is the true art balance. I messaged my Dad today. I told him that I am a fighter, just like him and we Chakrabortys are warriors and we never stop fighting. That is true. Some days maybe shitty but not all are. We fall nine but get up ten. That is how winning is done. My time will come. The Fallen Will Rise Again. Going off bbm will bring me more closer to myself and my inner being. It was spreading like a cancer. But now I have cured the disease. I am more stronger than I was yesterday. I am more of a man than I was yesterday. I am the hero I search. I am the power that I seek. I am the destiny that I am waiting for. I am Me ...
End Of Entry No: 13 ...
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Entry No: 12 ...
16/01/2013 ...
03:40pm ...
Wednesday ...
I am back home. Have Mma in the evening. Looking forward to it. Just made a brand new playlist for it. All filled with rock songs. I love rock songs! They motivate me and charge me up and I think Rock is one of those genres which has showcases the real essence of the it's lyrics as well. Anyways, I am looking forward to my Mma class in the evening. I have already informed all my mma partners and coach that I am coming. I also informed sushil sir that I want training at home everyday now. When I am home, training is what I do best and training keeps me occupied, plus it helps me stay fit and ready for war. Last night while travelling back to mumbai, I met a very wonderful gentleman on the plane and we struck up many verbal conversations on topics like politics, women and family. It was wonderful to chat with him. And before he left he said that I will go a long way because I am very matured for my age and a very humble human being. I don't know why everyone else thinks I am a kid. I guess they don't have the patience to know me truly. Anyways, I got a message from a friend today asking me why I am not on twitter or any other social sites. I told him I am going away from all these things slowly slowly. And I am happy that my actions are now taking fruit. I know very soon I will also be of bbm. My trigger-happy side gets triggered when I see 'recent updates' from time to time. So very soon I will be back to nokia I guess. It is astonishing but today, whatever my dad has said is coming true. Today, whatever he said makes sense to me and I am becoming the man he thought I was. That is a proud moment for me. I guess we all become the men who grew up around. Matt Galagher wrote his blogs and just left it there. He never cared for publicity. I wasn't like that before. I wanted the world to read my blogs that is why I sent them everywhere. But now, I don't care. I just write them, upload them and leave it there. I am very happy these changes are coming in me. One should be attuned with themselves than with the satisfaction they get from others. Today I am becoming that man. The voices guide me. Take me to where I am meant to go. I know now that no matter how hard I try I won't be the kid next door and to be honest I don't even want to be. Sacrifice is necessary. Sacrifice is a must. The Monster must be fed.
"Oh you hungry beast, come and take me. Take me home. Take me to where I belong. Take me to the madness. To the blood and gore. To where ashes fall as rain. The place I find my peace. Take me to my war. Make me complete. Make me whole. And end this misery. In my war, give me my salvation. Oh you dreaded monster, come and take me home."
End Of Entry No: 12 ...
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Entry No: 11 ...
14/01/2013 ...
11:57pm ...
Monday ...
There are times when I wish that I just disappeared. That I just went off the radar. That I just vanished. These are one of those times. I guess I am having one of those days again. Those days when reality bites me in the ass and tells me to wake up. And then I realise where I am and where others are. I wish I had power bro. I so wish that. I don't know why I am still being tested. I just want to scream and cry and let it all out but I don't know how too. There is so much in me. So much of this hate. And it is slowly slowly killing me. I know it is. It is eating up on me. And I am letting it. I wish that it stopped. I wish I was free. I wish I didn't have to wait this long. I am trying bro. I really am. But I am human too. I break too. I guess this is that breaking point of mine. I have no shame to admit to you that today I am a broken man. I hope tomorrow I am not. No one understands bro and the tragedy is no one can either fix it. They can't make the pain go away. They can't make the anger disappear. They just listen and do their preaching. They want me to let go of the anger and rejoice. How can I do that? When I am so close to my victory the powers that be are testing me. Mocking me. Making fun of me because they have all the power. But I am happy that I am writing in you. I feel lighter. And you understand me more than they ever will. People are unreliable and they always leave. You, on the other hand I know will never leave. You are my rock. As the joker says, "When the chips are down, these civilised people will eat other." I get that now. One day, they won't want me and throw me away like garbage like they have done in the past. That is why I seek power so I can make them realise how it feels. You have no idea how much I want power. How much I want my fame, my success. I want it all. But I have to wait. Like I always have been waiting. You have no idea how angry I am. How angry I have always been. I wish I had disappeared. Then it wouldn't matter what these people would have thought of me. I would be with myself. I wish, I just wish I get what I want. I am willing to do anything and everything for it. I have been chanting that prayer for the last 13 years now. And it has been that constant in my life. "I will give up any and everything in my life! Just give me what I want! Give me what I want!" I want the universe to listen. I beg the universe to listen. I plead it. I ask for it's mercy. I want my greatness. I agree that this wit has made me into a monster but honestly I don't care. I don't care what I become in the process. All I want is my greatness. My greatness that only belongs to me. You listen to me and I know they are too. I am waiting pal. I am so waiting. I just want an answer. A signal. A sign. I just want what I deserve …
End Of Entry No: 11 ...
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Entry No. 10 ...
14/01/2013 ...
Monday ...
06:20pm ...
Hello again. I have packed up for the day. In the hotel again. I am supposed to go for my cardio but I am not feeling like it. I wanna write in you today, now, at this very moment. I have been thinking of writing in you since afternoon. I was feeling a little edgy. I don't know why I sometimes feel like this. It is like the actor and the human are two completely different individuals. I have learnt the trait to switch on and off very easily now. I guess that is something we all have to go through. Tomorrow I go back to mumbai after an entire day's of shoot. I am looking forward to the shoot. I have been reading this amazing book The Catcher In The Rye. A part of me is happy because I am learning new things in life and reading more stories and the other side of me is happy because I am keeping my new year's resolution. Me and my jealousy. That is my weakness. I just can't stand it when people tell me they are busy with work back to back and don't even have time to breath. I try not to think about it. I try to run away from my thoughts. I try. I love this track, "Castle Of Glass" by linkin park. The lyrics hit me. They hit me hard and tell me who I am. I have heard this song I think a million times over and I love it every time I hear it. Just like I love "Far From Home" from five finer death punch. That song makes me cry. It really does. I don't know what it is but I love to be broken. To be this damaged goods who can't be fixed. I mean I am trying to find a connect you know. And I know so so many people with whom I can try. But I don't feel it. I just don't. I guess I am who I am and I am just trying to be something that I am not. Something that I can never be. I had a harness shot today. I wasn't getting it right. I hate it when I do that. Not get something right. I want to always excel. Always do it right. Always make it work. I just hate myself when I don't do it right. I wasn't born to make errors. I was born to be perfect. I have to improve and there is always room for improvement. There always is. And 2013 has brought many changes in the lives of the people I know. And I am glad it has. I know it will for me too. Anytime now. There are many things I cherish and there are many things I am also angry about. Some of it I had it coming because I deserved it and a part of me always thought that because I was a prick that I am being punished. But I have laid some of my demons to rest and found closure in the hope that I would be forgiven for my sins. Maybe there is a part of me who wants to find redemption. And maybe there is a part of me who wants this. This un-ending war. This barbaric, ruthless, savage war. I wish I could had just kept on writing in you. Oh I wish that so much! I am really trying you know bro. I am trying to find that connect. I am really trying to feel. But I can't. Sitting here, thinking of all those people and the places I have been, I feel nothing. Just empty. Is it too late for me? Is this it? The end of the line from which I have no going back too? I sometimes fear it is. People don't understand that. They give their point of views. They always do. I mean they care and all but I don't connect with them the way I connect with you and Diary. You guys know me. These people still haven't figured me out. I mean I want to speak my heart out to them but I just can't, I don't know. I just don't feel bro. I wish I did. I guess this is the way I am always going to be. The Universe wouldn't want me to go through something just for the heck of it. There is a message in here. Telling me that I am not meant to be around people, I mean, people who would want to understand me because they never will. There was this movie called 'Home Of The Brave' and one of the characters in the film is a marine who comes home after serving in iraq. His family is thrilled that he is back but something always told him that he didn't belong there and so, eventually, in the end of the film, he goes back to Iraq. What I am trying to say is that no matter how hard I try to be normal and mingle and have friends and be like everybody else and speak my heart out, deep down, I know I will never be that guy. Deep down I know I will never find that connection with people. Deep down I know I will always be the guy who rides of in the sun set. Deep down I know that I will always be that guy …
End Of Entry No.10 ...
Entry No: 9 ...
13/01/2013 ...
Sunday ...
03:44pm ...
Hello there once again. We are right now in Kolkatta. Home of My Dad and many many fond memories. There will be a time when I will tell you all about them but today is not that day. Today is rest day. We shot for Rocky till 5am last night and the scene came out quite well. Tomorrow we start the fight sequence. I am resting it out today as much as I can for the energy I will need tomorrow. My boys just went for a day out. I stayed back on reason. I have a confession to make. I love these moments. In fact I wait for them! Me, all by myself! Oh! It is a feeling to be felt! There are no words to describe how happy I feel when I am with myself for these moments don't come that often in my life. I will try to go to the local mall here and just look at all those people. All those families. All those couples and just observe them and in a way observe myself as well. I have this great notion that I will always end up alone and maybe because of that strong notion, my mind is preparing itself for the inevitable. To have everything in the world but not have people around you to cherish it with. I guess that is the price of greatness I will have to pay one day. There are sometimes when I don't understand myself. I guess I am the most complexed man you will ever meet. Many still think I am a boy which feels very insulting because here I am, trying to find my identity and people in the end either way tag you down as a kid. Irony is a bitch. I mean, here I am, in this great city on a sunday sitting all by self and my thoughts when I should be out there exploring the local cuisine and the delicacies. I guess I am screwed up. But I have noticed that it is only when I work do I find myself. My true self. Like last night. I was working and doing what I was supposed to do and then suddenly it hit me! You know that feeling of realisation that this is what you are meant to do and I still need fixing. I still need to evolve and need to become stronger. But I am still fighting my demons. They have many names. Some are called envy. Some jealousy and some Hate. These demons don't ever leave me. I guess I am a part of them more than they are a part of me. They consume me and take me to such dark places that it becomes very hard for me to come out from. I just wish one day I would meet god and he would answer all my questions but then on the other hand god wouldn't put in a path that which we can't endure. So I guess I am here for a reason. And i shall walk. When others receive awards. When others see releases and get appreciation. When others sign brand advertisements and have bum statuses for their work, I wait. I wait in the darkness. I lurk from there waiting for the right opportunity. I wait in the silence. I wait in the cold. I wait. People won't understand this. I have been lectured a thousand times over and over again that I should enjoy life but they don't understand that this is my life! I don't want anything else except my greatness! I am so hungry for wait and I am still being tested for it. I have done my bit but I will do more. I will do whatever it takes to achieve what I always wanted too. I so want it. But I know I have to wait for I am chosen to endure. I know my time will come. It comes for everyone. It will come for me too. But staying in the darkness does change you. It changes you for the voices that you hear. Those voices that are aloud in the silence. Those voices that tell you the truth. the truth that you are afraid to hear. I hear these voices all the time. And sometimes they even laugh at me. They say, "You actually think you can live a normal life? You actually have this belief in you that you will be loved and will love? Get real mimoh! We didn't choose you to be normal, we chose you because we knew only you could go through what we planned for you! You are ours! Always will be. You will always be alone. Get used to it." And you know what scares me the most? I believe what they are saying is the truth. Gut instinct call it. That is why sometimes I wish I was away from all people. That I was more stronger. That I was alone somewhere fighting my war all by myself. I guess I am damaged goods but trust me, I try! I try so hard! And I want that rush too! That connect. That feeling of being normal but I guess I have more hate in me than I have love. And yes, I am going dark. Not dark in a bad way but I am becoming more self-composed. And I am really liking that. I know what I have to do and this path, is one of those things. So as the world moves ahead, I wait here, in this darkness. Waiting for that right moment. Waiting for that moment to strike. As The Punisher said 'The Cell' … "The devils have been put to rest. And the guards will barge through those gates any moment but I sit here, sit here in this darkness just for a while. And wait, wait for the end." ….
End Of Entry No: 9 ...
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Entry No: 8 ...
11/01/2013 ...
Friday ...
12:44pm ...
I am going to a darga right now. I forgot the name of it. My staff, Irfan, Altaf and Kasim bhai wanted me to go there since ages. I guess today is that day. I promised them I would. I am a man who keeps his promises even though they may take time to do. A man is only known by the promises he keeps. Tomorrow I go to kolkatta for Rocky. It is only a 3 days shoot but I am excited. Work does that to me. It is what truly describes me. My identity. Speaking of which I have a confession. I think I have forgotten how it feels to face the media. It has been a while since I have appeared in front of them and spoken to them and all my memories have faded away. I am supposed to be petrified with that idea but I am not. I am not feeling anything. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Since 2013 started I have many certain decisions and I am trying my very level best to stick to them. One of them is to stay off the radar. I know that is something i can't do all the time but on a personal note I wanna avoid it as much as I can. I am not going into my shell, I am just going off the radar. My playlist is right now playing asylum. I love that song and even the lyrics. I sometimes imagine myself in an asylum. That thought kind of turns me on. To be in a place with all the crazies and being the craziest amongst them all. To be in that darkness. To tap the coldest region of the soul and see the monster within. I guess that is a fantasy. A very fascinating fantasy. Speaking of monsters I guess the world doesn't want me to be anything else. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to evolve but people don't want that. They find ways to touch that part of me which I want to keep buried. Sometimes I think this is the way I will always be, no matter how many times I try to change myself. Like last night I went to Bhushan's house. It was his mom's birthday. Aunty was very happy to have us there. She got very emotional and bhushan said that in years she hasn't been this happy! When I read that message I got emotional because after a very long time I managed to make someone happy. I gave someone happiness! That was very touching for me. I don't do nice, at least that is what the world thinks. But last night, I did good and that felt great. Just like how alaska came and slept on my lap the other day, no pet of mine has done that to me. It felt good. I feel like a parent to her. It feels good. There are so many things I can type down but I guess there will be a time for everything. Right now I am going to a holy place, a place where my boys believe that my prayers will be answered. I will pray. I will ask and I will request. For no matter whatever kind of a monster the world thinks I am, I know even this monster still has an inch of good left in him …
End Of Entry No: 8 ...
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Entry No:7 ...
08/01/2013 ...
12:23am ...
Been on the mac for a while but I finally opened my blogger website. Today is shrikant's birthday. This will be the 1st time I will be going to his dinner party. Me and the rest of the folks. Thinking of a good present for him. My bro is watching a war movie. The one I saw today in the afternoon. It will be over soon and then I can put on my music again. Don't wanna distract him you know. Today was a good day. Did functional training in the morning and did some light jogging in the evening as well. To be honest, in the morning I thought I was done for the day but didn't know where the energy came from. I finished reading 50 Shades Of Grey. Lovely book. Al though it has two more parts I think I will return to the series after a couple of books. My next is The Catcher In The Rye. Rimoh told me it is revelation. I am looking forward to it. I have always envied my brother for his intellectuality. Maybe that is why I want to do the things that he wants to do. This will benefit me too. I will get to read more and learn more as well. Books really help a lot. Fictional or non-fictional. They take us to places we never thought we could had ever gone. My brother just finished the film. He loved it the same way I loved it and I loved the moment we shared, even if it was for a brief moment before he went to talk to his friend. We shared views because we experienced something similar. I loved that moment. I guess it is always the little things na. My playlist is back on. A beautiful song is being played in the background. Jeez, I am blank. I don't know what to write next. I guess My over-thinking brain will develop some thought tomorrow morning. But until next time, I want to say thank you for being there for me blogger buddy. Thank you for always being there for me. Means a lot. :-)
End Of Entry No:7 ...
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Entry No:6 ...
07/01/2013 ...
11:21pm ...
About to sleep soon. Will do the last voice practice of the day in bed. Day:One was good. Even Mma was good. I am mentioning good because it wasn't great because I know I can do more. But good is better than bad so I will take it. I have put medicine on my shoulder. This pain ain't going away. I hope it does with this ointment. Ask any fighter what he fears most and he will say that he fears an injury more than a loss because injuries put you out of action, something no one wants! My playlist just started 'Beauty And A Beat' by Justin Bieber. I love that song, especially because I imagine me and Lindsay Lohan in it. Yes, she is still my crush. I don't know if crushes last this long. Mine still does. I saw the trailer of the new scary movie and she looked oh so beautiful in it! I guess I always over look her minuses. I was playing Battlefield:3 on the ps3. Al though I have finished the campaign in the xbox 360 years ago, the game attracted Me once again. There is something about war games that I can't get enough of you know. Something about being a soldier which I so much love. No one has ever understood that. I think no one ever will. It is about that constant fight. That constant energy and acceleration. It is like a drug. I think a part of me has felt that. Maybe in my previous birth. And I guess my soul still has fragments of it. That is why maybe I am attracted so much to the soldier's lifestyle I guess. I fear I may not even pass the 1st level of training when it comes to army school but there is this force in me. A force that can't stop. That doesn't want to stop. Who wants to fight. Who wants to face pain and out weigh it. That is why even though this shoulder pain is taking the best of me a part of me is loving it. This pain. It is so sweet. So special. I believe it makes me stronger. Stronger than the rest. And I want more of it. So much more. Just like every character from Call Of Duty. Just like Matt Damon in The Green Zone. Just like the Marines from Generation Kill. I never want to stop. I always want to go on and on. I remember in the Punisher:Up Is Down. Black Is White, The Punisher goes on a killing spree and He tells us, the readers, "I have a dream. A dream in which I never stop." Those words echo through my senses even today. To have that power to never stop. I always knew that I would never fit in society and maybe that is why I keep my interactions with the world to a minimum. The Powers That Be have chosen Me for a cause beyond the norms of society. I know it. I feel it in my gut. And I have been waiting for that moment for so long now. I just wish someone up there answers me soon. Being honest blogger buddy, this is all I want. To be an unstoppable force of nature which never stops. I crave for my war. I crave for Work. I crave for the scars and the bruises and soreness and the pain. I crave for a life beyond the norms of society. I just wish someone up there is listening. I just wish someone up there answers soon ...
End Of Entry No:6 ...
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Entry No:5 ...
07/01/2013 ...
05:06pm ...
Hey there once again my friend. Headaches can be a bitch. Something I am familiar. I mean the pain. I wanted to go for a quick jog to the gym but because of this headache I can't. I have Mma soon, so for the greater good, I have rested it out. I guess it was yesterday's guilt that wanted me to go for a jog. To burn the extra calories. But I guess slow and steady wins the race and I have to make it to day:6 instead of withering out on day:one. It is a dieting thing. I guess you will get the hang of it soon. This is more better you know. To come here and type whenever I feel like instead of writing once a week. I feel more better and lighter. I will be doing my voice practice once I am in the car and this time, it will be the encore version. My mind keeps on telling me, "train mimoh! Never stop training!" and I listen to it for he is true. When I am not working, training is what I do best. A very close friend just asked me today, "you miss being on the sets, don't you?" and I just replied with the smiley. Trust me bro, you have no idea how badly I want to be there. My place of worship. The place where I belong. But I know I have to wait. I am patient. I will be. And in this time of waiting, I will train and make myself the best version of myself, no matter how difficult it may get at times. I have to survive and I have to fight. That is what I do best. From this week onwards, I have also added one movie to my time table. Meaning, I will watch one film a day for an actor's observation. The one thing we actors have to do best is observe and that is something I can't miss out on. My playlist is playing Pungi from Agent Vinod. I have become of this song just recently and I really enjoy it when it plays. I am also in love with Whistle from Flo Rida and whenever I hear it, I wanna tweet that I am in love with the song but I am keeping my social interactions to the minimum. I am balancing it you know. At least I am trying too. "Before You Say, 'I Can't', Say, 'I Will Try' And Then Give It Your Best." I have to get ready for Mma now. Until next time ...
End Of Entry No:5 ...
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Entry No:4 ...
04/012013 ...
11:09pm ...
Good evening blogger buddy. I still have to think of a name for you. You must have met Michael by now. And even Mr.Diary. But since you are the latest member in the family, a nice name you truly deserve. Will think of it soon. Speaking of new members, my new pet, alaska is quite a handful. Even though she literally fits in my hand. She pisses and shits in my room and I clean it everytime. I thought I would freak out with that idea but I am actually liking it. She spends a lot of time with me and always comes to play with me. She is only 2 months old and I feel she is like my child. It is like I am getting parenthood classes 101. Life's irony I tell you. The guy who has commitment phobias is actually taking care of another living being. And I think I am doing a decent job at it. I have to have my last meal in about 15mins. Dal and bhaji. Went to the passport office today. Diet timings went out the window. And I couldn't even clean my hall. Feeling guilty about it. I even missed Mma today due to heavy traffic but substituted that with a moderate intensity run on the treadmill. That made me feel slightly better. But tomorrow is a brand new day and I can do lots. As eminem told in the 8 mile, "every moment is another chance" and so I am all geared up for tomorrow. I had to wait more than I had expected at the passport office. But luckily I had the cnn app to read the news. I read all of it. A part of me wants to know more about the world but the more I know, the more I get angry because I can't stop the rapes and the killings. Hope someday I have the power to change things. As I was waiting at the office I realised that patience is a man's greatest test. Something I learnt a long time ago and something I am very familiar with. Patience has made me the man I am today. Speaking of which, it is award season again and that scares the shit out of me because my jealous side spikes up on red bull! You know how much I envy my rivals and all the fame they have. They ride to glory while I wait in the darkness. I know one day my time will come and I will be ready to embrace it. It ain't easy. It was never easy. Those dark thoughts. They can consume me easily. And especially when I sit idle. I try not to stay idle. Dad and me relate with that theory. He tells me, "an idle mind is the devil's workshop" so keep it occupied. My Dad confides in Me now. I am happy he does. He finds me responsible. I like being responsible. It is my choosing. I want to take over the business. I don't want idle thoughts. They remind me of my past, of the one who left me. Her memories which linger in the darkness. They show me my reality when I am constantly running away from it. People think I don't 'live' my life. What do they know? 'Live a little' it seems. Ya, right! Step in my shoes, then you will know my war. I thought they did but the reality is they are too busy in their own lives. I am not angry Mr.Blogger, I am just accepting facts and accepting these facts has made Me a calmer person. People won't understand and the truth is, I am beyond that. This is who I am. This is who I am always going to be. I guess only Michael, You and Diary will understand that. Until next time ...
End of Entry No:4 ...
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Entry No:3 ...
04/01/2013 ...
12:22am ...
I am trying to sleep. And something tells Me I will get it soon. I am hearing Knockin' on heavens door by bob dylan. Wow! What an amazing song it is. I am kinda getting emotional. It hits me. I don't know how music does that to me. But it is causing it's affect on me. Why am I getting emotional? This song was a tribute to the brave soldiers who dies during the american-vietnam conflict all those years ago. Way before I was born. Am I knocking on heaven's door too? I don't know, maybe. I guess I am looking for forgiveness and redemption. A chance to change Myself. I was always the person who was with his thoughts but since the past few days, the thoughts have increased. But my thoughts don't want a voice anymore. They have become calm. There are people out there who want to 'understand', who want to 'help'. They can't. I am beyond fixing. As grey says, "I am 50 shades of fucked up." I guess I relate. I am empty. I always was. But this time I am not fighting it. I am embracing it. This is who I am. I keep on telling Myself. It is all about me now. One day, they all will forget, they all will leave. I wish they do. They never understood. It always end up being about them and their problems, and I have to understand. But 2013 has put an end to that. I am a new me now. See, no more caps lock when i type 'me'. I guess change takes time. But it does happen. I didn't like the old me. I like the new me. The calmer me. Trust me, there is one thing I have learnt in this life and that is never to be dependent on anyone for anything because they always let you down and it is better to do your work yourself. I guess I am knockin' on heavens door. Seeking god's forgiveness or whoever or whatever that is up there. I have done my share of shit. But I want a chance to be good too. Not for others but for myself. For my soul. So when I do die, I die in peace making peace with all the bad I have done. I guess the calmness shows us who we are. And finally, after 28 1/2 years, I am seeing that for myself. I am knockin' on heavens door. Hope someone replies ...
End Of Entry No:3 ...
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Entry No:2 ...
03/01/2013 ...
01:42pm ...
Doing as much as I can. And I am liking it. And I think I am getting comfortable with the new me. I know it takes time but I will reach there. Where I want to go. Off the grid. So far, I am doing it right. I must. I have too. There is no other way. Some are taking notice. Most of them don't even care. I am glad. I want it that way. I believe that if I stop answering the questions, they will stop asking. I am glad. Very soon, I won't even be a memory. I have loads to do myself. I cleaned the bathroom today. It looks spick and span now. Touchwood. Voice practice also done. And I am loving 50 shades of grey. Damn that grey! He is somewhat like me. Is that a good thing? I don't know. I am getting into the 'book' phase of my life now. I am liking it. Luckily today is rest day. My body can't take the pain. I am glad I get time to recover today. Tomorrow, it is back to training. I always wanted to be like this. To feel nothing. To do only one thing. My work. In about 12mins I have my grilled chicken. Count the calories mimoh. It helps. Thanks to technology I know what I am eating. I love My playlist. Kelly Clarkson is singing "What doesn't kill you make you stronger." Apt song for the phase that I am going through. Phase? I think that is the wrong word to use. This is the way I want to be now. This is the new me now. Always and forever. To be honest I never knew I hadn't in me. Everything in life comes with a price. Either you fit in and you become a commoner or stand out and be hated. I choose to stand out. This is who I am. This is who I was always meant to be. I guess life brings you to where you are. I am so happy that this 'inner' change has finally awakened in Me. More 6mins to go. Yes, timing is everything. The meals have to be eaten once every 2 hours. I have to be strict. I have to be disciplined. Greatness doesn't come easy. Nothing great in life comes easy. You have to work for it. You have to become worthy. No one will understand. I do. And that is what matters. In fact, that is what always mattered ...
End Of Entry No:2 ...
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Entry No.1 ...
01/01/2013 ...
08:12pm ...
Welcome to 2013. So far so good. I did all that I wanted to do for the day. Training and Dieting are the key ingredients and they have been dealt with successfully. I still have a few more thing to do today before I go off to sleep but I am happy of what all I did today. This is only day:one. Well day:three on My diet chart. It is a long story. Wait, I am not talking to the world anymore. This is My blog now. Whoever wants, can come and read at their own free will. Off the grid. It is working so far. So many people who have wished Me for the new year's but I haven't replied to them all. I don't know whether that is mean or not. But this is the way it has to be done. Kaushik and nadira are now watching Loot. That film brings back so many memories. Memories I don't want to remember. But they even show me my progress. Show me where I have come. i am proud of the progress but as the great Vivekananda once said, "I have miles to go before I sleep. Miles to go before I sleep." And so is the case with me. I know I still have a lot more I need to achieve and maybe this is that start. Maybe this is that progress. speaking of progress, I am thankful to Dishi and Rimoh to introduce Me to this app on the iphone which shows how to keep track on the food I eat. I am focused. Very focused. And focus is helping. This is the way I want to be. I wrote in My new diary today. Al though it doesn't have dates in it, it is more than enough for me to write down my thoughts, like the good old days. It has been exactly a year since I gave up writing in diaries. But now I am back doing that. I guess old habits die hard. I guess we all go back to our roots. To our origins. Where we truly belong. I guess this is where I belong. People won't understand this feeling. This calmness. I guess it is even hard to explain it. I am this way. I guess I always was. I was lying to Myself with a lie. A lie I wanted to be real in which I am like everybody else but I guess I will always be the outsider. The odd one out. This is Me, Mahaakshay Mimoh Chakraborty. And this is My story.
End Of Entry No.1 ...
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