Entry No: 33 …
Friday …
Kolkatta …
01/03/2013 …
09:59Hr …
The Pros And The Cons ...
The last day of shoot is always like the last day of exams. You know it is the exams and you have to give your best and answer all the questions correctly but at the same time you also know that it is the last day. So a part of you is all focused and all and a part of you is somewhere else. I have noticed this happening to me always every time when a filming schedule of mine comes to an end. To be honest, I am not excited or happy that the schedule is coming to an end. I want to work, for the rest of my life. I think I have said that like a billion times and if you have figured me out, I will tell that for a billion times more. So, at the last day of a schedule I am somewhere else. Yes. And that someplace is the unknown …
There are pros and cons in everything in life. That is why it is so balanced. We have to go through pain to enjoy the pleasures of life. The same way we loose our vignettes. Through anguish and pain but than for the rest of our lives enjoy it's pleasures. My point here is that i know I am going to go back to Family and Friends and a life that I have been accustomed too. The life that I have been living for the last 28 years now. But the con here is that the moment I go back, I start missing my work and the void it leaves me with when I am not working. Work for me is like a drug and I want nothing else in the world than my work. Like for example last night, I was in the hotel, all by myself, watching tv shows and loving every moment of my 'work solitude' which I embraced in the confines of my room. Work makes me realise that sometimes the best things in life are often enjoyed by being by yourself …
I am very happy with my last blog. I really opened up in that. And trust me, that made me feel very light-hearted and relaxed. I needed that I guess. I have made peace with the world I guess, with my last blog entry. What I am trying to say is that now, no one in the world can judge me or call me a hypocrite or god knows what. Everything about me is written in the blog. The pros and the cons. I have exposed myself for the world to use me as they see fit or acknowledge me for my honesty. I have given the choice of free will to the world now. So whoever all think they want to know me, I will request you to read My Blog first and then decide whether you want to be friends or not. Don't tell me later, I didn't tell you so.
Life is full of pros and cons. Like for example, I just finished reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. I think it was one of the best books ever written and I loved every page of it. The pro is that I am very happy that I got my hands on this wonderful book and the con is that this book made me realise that I still have an ounce of love in me and I am still a weakling because I still do believe that love can triumph over any obstacle and that love is greater than fear. You don't plan these things you know. I mean you don't plan to think or have a certain realisation of the senses. No matter how much you want your mind to think, the con is that it always goes with the flow …
I must say, I have really changed. Not to boastful or anything, {even though, right now I am being just that} but I think I have come a long way from being that boy who was shivering out of fear and nervousness when I gave my 1st shot. Today, I sit outside my vanity van, on the sets of Rocky, all by myself with my laptop. This wasn't me a while back and thinking about this 'evolution' I am surprised myself. I am by myself now, whenever I come to the shoots. i hardly check my phones, which use to be like an addiction sometime back. I read more books now, finished two of them in this schedule itself and I hardly interact with the 'fakes' on the sets. I remember, a very long time ago I met this guy whom at first I really respected but as time passed by I started hating him and he hated me in return. I still do and I know I always will. But I thank him today because if not for whom, I wouldn't have this attempt on being so honest. His hypocrisy was what I hated the most and what pissed me off was that I was just like him. Today, I know I am a better human being because of my honesty. The pro is that I know I have started my path towards redemption and forgiveness. The con is that karma is a bitch and it will eventually catch up on me. {even though I believe it doesn't exist}
I am an optimist. Yes. But a very practical optimist. If I wasn't I wouldn't had survived this long. The pro of surviving this long is that you become indestructible and the con is that everyday a part of your soul withers away {not that I have a soul left in me}. But if I have to wager between the pros and the cons I am happy to say that the pros always win. They teach us the lessons that we are meant to learn and always tell us that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am right now in a pro state of mind. I do confess that there are times when the cons laugh at me by filling my thoughts with envy for the work others are doing; with anger by the coldness of people when you shower your care towards them; with hatred that fills up my vacuums. There are times when the cons win. But in the end, the pros always triumph. Yes, they do and you know what? It is all worth it. When I sit here, on the sets, all by myself, with no other actor around, when I work 24/7, when I evolve into a much better and refined human being; all the pros are worth it.
Life is a balance of the pros and cons and both come to us unexpectedly. We decide the outcome. Life is action. We decide the reaction. I am on a jet plane and I don't know when I will be back again. That song hums in my head right now as I am conclude this blog. I don't know if it has any significance with where am I right now or the flights that I will take in the future to uncharted territories. All I know is that Life is Beautiful. With it's Pros and cons.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these are My Pros And Cons … :-)
End of Entry No: 33 …
************************************************************************************************************
Entry No: 32 …
25/02/2013 …
09:25Hr …
Monday …
Kolkatta …
Can You Handle The Truth?
Truth. A word that has been more abused than any other in the dictionary. It is a word people use to lie and to hide their true faults. The so-called 'Truth' has been used as an escape goat by billions and it will continue to be so. And I am openly saying that I am one of them who has exploited it's power to it's very core and used it to my advantage over and over again. In today's times, the 'Truth' can be manipulated. But there is a truth which is still exists out there. And it still exists in us as well. That one constant which never leaves us. And no matter how much we want to run away from it, we know we can't because it is a part of us and it shows us our true selves. It has taken me a very very long time to come to terms with myself. I thought, like the many out there that I will never have to face the wake-up of my truth. But now, the truth has caught up with me and it is time that I finally tell you and the world the truth. But the question is Can You Handle The Truth?
I am right now on the sets of Rocky. The oscars are airing live as we speak. Billions are watching it. But I am not sulking because I am missing it. I am living the dream which I was waiting for all my life! I can give up anything to be here everyday for the rest of my life and not just because my Work gives me immense happiness, it is also because it keeps me away from the disappoints of the world. Over here, there are no worries. But out there, that world is filled with jealousy, gossip, hate and macabre. And what scares me the most that when I am out there, I am just like them! So here goes. I always project myself as this tough nut but the truth is I am emotionally fucked up. I can right now write an autobiography on my feelings but if I have to sum it up in one word, I am Complicated. Yes I am. Maybe it is the affect of The Fault In Our Stars, the book I am reading right now but I know I owe you and everyone I know and whoever will read this the truth about who I am. I am complicated, emotionally fucked up, too dependant on others for the affection, love and care and I am a weakling.
I know I have immense love in me and I am a hopeless romantic. I do believe in fairy tales. I believe life can be like The Silver Linings Playbook in which, in the end the girl and the boy say I love you to each other with all of their hearts and then kiss and live happily ever after. I always feel so sad when I watch Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa because Shah Rukh Khan's character never gets the girl even though he loves her with all his heart! I cry in a drop of a hat when something touches me deeply with their kindness. Yes, I do believe in the good in others. I believe that there are so many out there who deserve our love and we should love them with all our hearts. There are times when I just sit all by myself and cry tears of joy. When I count my blessings. When I realise how beautiful my life is. When I silently thank all those who came in my life and who are there even today and everyday teach me to be a better person. I know there is good in me. I feel it every time I make a person smile. I try to give others happiness. I really try. Yes, these are my truths. This is a side of me which the world hasn't seen. Sorry, I lied on that part. The truth is, the world once did see that side of mine, you know, the soft, cute, loving and caring side of mine but it has been a while I was that way and I guess it will be forever until the world sees a more mellow me. And now I will tell you why …
People. The one constant that has given me joy and the one constant which has also taken that joy away from me. No, I am not doing the blame game. I am just telling you the truth. People have always let me down. Life changed me in many ways more than I can count. A part of me is glad that happened and a part of me still questions why that happened. I was suppose to be the good guy you know. But the more I gave, the less they appreciated it. And slowly slowly the loss of them going away was replaced with anger. Anger which turned into Hate. Hate which turned into Darkness. And Darkness which now has completely consumed me. Today, I write this blog out of duty of telling you the truth so that nobody in the future can raise a finger on me and call me a hypocrite and not even god can judge me after I confess and also because I am hurt and frustrated with the way people are. They just don't understand you know. They never care to understand. People are so strange. When you lie to them, they accept it with open arms but when you are honest to them, they don't like it. They want you to say nice things to them but when the truth bites their asses they make you the bad guy and condemn you and pour more hate in your souls. They never reply when they are busy because they show how important their life but they expect you to always be in touch and they complain when you become distant! People I tell you … I can never understand them … But wait, that is not all … There's more …
There is a reason love turns into hate. All good guys turn bad and jedis become siths. It is the lack of affection and appreciation. When you give your heart and soul to someone, whether a friend or a lover, you expect something back. I mean come on! Is it that hard to be polite? To show some concern of humanity? No, right? But people are like that. They think they are doing their bit. They think they care. They think they are holy but inside they actually just don't give a damn when you ask them to understand you. First, the emptiness inside of you left without appreciation just feels empty. But then that emptiness makes you feel lonely and then, the mind and body start automatically start filling that hole up with something. Something easy to grasp on … Hate. Since the love isn't there, the hate does it part. Fills you up and makes you go all dark and twisted. You don't realise that until the point comes when you realise that your emotions have now taken a back seat. They don't command you anymore. They don't have any affect on you. It is only your hate which commands you. It makes you stronger and immune to the hurt the world throws and also makes you immune to the pain you inflict back …
Yes, today I am a monster. I don't get turned on by saying that. it is just the reality of things. I am a bad-ass and now I am self-centred and by far the most selfish human being you will come across. I don't have the capacity to care anymore. Care was taken away from me, remember? It was taken away when that girl all those years ago said no to me. It was taken away when your best friend isn't there when you need him. It was taken away when people only gave opinions, suggestions and answers when they were suppose to just be there and say, "Hey, it's ok, I am here.". It was taken away when you were called the bad guy, even when it wasn't your fault. You felt unappreciated by your friend, you felt he wasn't there, so when you decided to step away, you became the bad guy because according to the world your best friend is the better guy and you shouldn't hurt HIS feelings! It was taken away when you are constantly reminded of the fuck-ups you have done. It was taken away when you really wanted to be a better person but the world decided that you don't deserve any good and should remain bad so that they can point at someone for the mistakes they do. So yes, I am a monster. A monster who wants to see everyone else fail. A monster who has lied and cheated and done terrible things. A monster who forgot that innocents shouldn't be harmed but harmed them anyways. A monster which wants others to feel his own pain too. A monster who just loves being bad and now I am not weak anymore. I have my defence mechanisms now which stop me from getting attached to people. My hate reminds me of the pain the people made me go through. My strength comes from the darkness which I once feared. And I know who I am now and you know what? I love it! I love being this way. It makes me feel invincible. This power which will never let me feel hurt again. this force which will always be there to protect me. This hate which now, I need for my very existence. Yes, I am a monster. And love being one.
So there you have it. The truth. Well, to be truthful, at least as truthful I can get because even now, my defence mechanisms must be at work and would be stopping my brain to transit the whole truth to my fingers. To be honest, I don't give a fuck. This is the first time in a very long time that I have been this truthful and that makes me feels good. i know this won't change anything. There will still be people out there who will hate me. Who will want me to never succeed and some who even wish I was dead. You must be enjoying right now, I know. You must be feeling victorious because you thought karma finally caught up to me and has sucked the life out of me. Well, I got news for you haters, I hate you too. So so very much! There have been so many people that I have met in my life. Some came as friends, some as lovers and some also as work colleagues. I have hated those who have hated me back and I know that until I die, I will hate them. You deserve my hate until I die and knowing that i hate you gives me immense pleasure. Love was taken away from me by the people I trusted to keep it safe. Love is now a joke in my books. Love doesn't have value. Yes, I will admit that a part of me still cries when I get emotional. But that part only has a small place in my existence right now and I know as time will pass by, it will only get lesser. So there you have it. My Truth. I said all that I could. Maybe, someday again I will write another 'truthful' blog. But until then i only have one question … Can You Handle The Truth?
End Of Entry No: 32 …
Entry No: 31 …
23/02/2013 …
13:41Hr …
Saturday …
Things Worth Dying For …
"Oh baby! I love you! I can die for you! My life will mean nothing without you in it! Please be mine or else I will die and free myself from this misery called life which I will live without you!". Ya, right! When I was growing up, these kinda words fascinated me! I really thought they had value. But as the years passed, the more intense you get, the more you are entitled as "Filmy". But this entry isn't about my view on love. I think it will be decades before I will write a blog on love because even today, I can't understand it. And with flesh having a price tag on discount, I think love will have to wait for it's glory. Love i think isn't over-rated. It is just exploited and lost it's true essence in today's world. As I was saying this blog isn't about love because I have realised that they are many more things in life which are truly worth dying for …
I am no soldier al though I thought I was in my previous birth but if I was I would had surely fought for country and it's honour. I agree that my country has more cons than pros but damn it this is my country and I love it! I am in Indian and I am proud to be called an Indian and yes, the hidden patriot does come out when my country wins the world cup or when we advance in defence. I love to travel and explore the world but home will always be home. No matter how many pot holes in the road or bad traffic, in the end, this is my home and if given the opportunity I will prove my worth to it. To My Motherland. To My India.
Being in the Film Industry I have realised that one can't have any 'true' or 'real' friends. To be honest I can't be a good friend either with anyone in the industry as I will always envy something about him/her. That is why having Family by your side is a blessing! My Family has kept me grounded and shown me what loyalty is. What love is. I wake up everyday with a smile because my greatest blessing has been my family. The world can love or hate and call me many names but for my family I will always be a son and a brother. And I have a sister, who is now growing up. No matter how much I want to stop that from happening I know I can't. She will eventually start liking boys and also fall in love but I know for her, I can fight millions and die over and over again! She is my sister and no one can hurt her. I maybe a monster for many who have known me but in today's time only monsters like me can defend and fight for their families! My sister is My blessing and I know that whatever good I have is because of her and I know I can die for her … Die for her in a heartbeat!
My Work. The one place where I am at peace. This is a place where I would like to take my last breath. I know I will die in peace over here for this is my monastery. My shrine. My temple. This is where I belong. Always did. Always will. My body breaks here everyday but I can't tell how good that feels! Here, sweat tastes like sugar, my bruises make me glow and pain is relaxing! This place gives me recognition. It gives me a name. it gives me an identity. This place is holy for me. It takes me across nations. It shows me worlds I thought never existed. It shows me true colours of the people I interact with. It shows me a truth which hides behind the shadows of fame. I grow here. Everyday I evolve here. I remember till recent times, I have always been the phone guy on the sets. My Dad always told me not to do that but I used to always access my phone when he wasn't looking. I remembered an article on kareena kapoor when she just entered the film industry that she used to be always on her phone. But as time passed she matured and today, she is one of the greatest actresses of our generation! I somehow am following her foots reps for the more I am on the sets, I automatically go into my Work Zone and then, the outside world doesn't exist anymore and neither do the messages or the phone calls {which hardly come} matter to me. I want to be here and yes, this is a place worth dying for, over and over again. I never want this to stop for even when I die, I know my soul will find it's place in work. Work is worship. Work is worth dying for!
The X-Factor. Now this is something which is very rare to find. No, this isn't a trait or a talent. The X-Factor for me is pure Want! It is like hunger. You eat today and you feel full but tomorrow again the hunger returns. The want returns! That is The X-Factor! I have met so so many people in my life and ironically I felt that Want and sensed the X-factor in only a handful. I don't know why but it has been ages I felt that or sensed it in some one. Maybe the times have changed or maybe I don't care to wait a little longer and notice it or feel it or maybe they don't choose to show it to me, or maybe no one out there is willing to dare, I don't know but no one has it today. At least the people I interact with. No offence. Want is want you know! And you just feel it. And don't take me wrong. This isn't sexual or love based. Want is simply want! Maybe my expectations are too high from people or maybe the ultimatum is that, that I won't ever feel that Want from anyone ever again. I don't know and that is why I am not for-going a final conclusion here on this thesis but the matter-of-the-fact is that The X-Factor is truly worth dying for! It is worth giving your time and drowning yourself in it. Lusting for it over and over again. It is like a drug. Once you are addicted, you always want more from it! Like a cocktail of emotions on 6 cans of red bull! It is like a rush with a pinch of madness in it! I am waiting with awaited breath to feel that Want again! To sense that X-Factor again. Let's hope. Let's just hope that the gods have something interesting planned up their sleeves.
This is Me Mahaakshay Chakraborty and there are things that are truly worth dying for …
End of Entry No: 31 …
I have Chosen 'For Your Entertainment' because it is one of those songs that truly describe The Want and The X-Factor. The Rush what a person can do if he/she decides to go to the edge and realise what living truly is. :-)
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 30 …
21/02/2013 …
06:45am …
The Magic Hour …
How do I describe this feeling. This feeling of eternal bliss. The gods must be banging their heads right now and telling themselves, "How much does this guy talk?! I mean he keeps going on about how much he is happy in the moments we give him!? Dude! We get the point! We will give you more if this is what you truly want!". I just smile because I am right now living the moment of true bliss. All by myself. In this beautiful journey on god's green earth. A journey that will never end. A path that I will always walk on. This is how the roll call goes. This is how I am called out. This is how it all begins. This is how it ends. To be honest there are times when I wake up late. And in those times I tend to forget how beautiful the sight of the rising sun is. It is a sign that life moves on. That today is a new day. To start fresh. To let go and look towards the future. It is a sign that we should never stop believing because since it's origin a few billion years the sun never stopped believing in us …
There are times when I wonder how do I put my feelings into words. I mean, there are so many of them! Be it my one constant or the many temporaries that run through my head. There are times when I just can't express how happy I am. Yes, every thing in life comes with a price. We all have to pay it some way or the other. I read some where a very long time ago that, "You can play now and pay later or pay now and play later. Either way, we all have to pay." I believe in that. And I wanna pay the price. I think I already did. There are times when I wonder how it is to be me. And that I chose this life. There was no ultimatum, there was no threat or any kind of a conclusion. I chose this life with free will very well knowing the consequences of it. I don't mind them. Na. Not even one bit. This is who I am you know. This is whom I am always going to be. Love me or hate me but this is it.
I mentioned once in one of my blogs that what kinda of a crazy person writes blogs for the whole world to read but can't open up to his near and dear ones? I guess I still haven't figured that out. Maybe this is a part of my legacy. Maybe this is the way one day, someone will write my story. I don't know. But to be honest it feels really really good when I blog. Like I am light-hearted or something. I have seen myself evolve through my blogs. And I am proud of that. But I know I still have a very long time to go. My Work-Mode will start soon and I know it will rev up my engines and take me to my ultimate zone. Before, even on the sets I wanted constant admiration from others and I always wanted to be the centre of attraction and 'fit in' but as time is passing by I have started to realise that my work place only requires me to give my 100% to my work and not mingle with others al though in the same time being respectful to all who come and greet me. I have realised that there are some lines one shouldn't cross and you can't please everyone. You got to be content with the love and respect you get by just being yourself. And in times when I do want some more of that love and attention I know I can always depend on my boys for that. :-)
So you see, this magic hour does wonder. It gives you fresh ideas. Positive things to think and recharges our body with morning goodness. If I can ask one thing from the universe right now it would definitely be that I wish I wake up so early in the morning and feel this great! I remember, during my board exams My Dad told me to always wake up by 03:00am or 04:00am and study for an hour, then go back to sleep. He said that it clears your mind of other thoughts and makes you concentrate more. I never did wake up those times but now I know what he meant by that. I am sometimes amazed by this amazing transition a boy takes when he is becoming a man. He starts to notice the little things. Like I do today. The more I do, the more I respect My Father and love My Mother. The things parents have to do for their children. Their resilience is unmatchable and I know that a parent's love is far beyond what god can ever give us. I am blessed to be loved by them everyday . :-)
I can go and on and on. But I guess for now, this is good enough. Don't want that writer to write an encyclopaedia on me you know. But before I go all I can say is that life is a journey. Not a destination. The sooner we realise that, the sooner we reach our calm. Our solitude. The one thing we try to find in this world. I guess a part of me has found that by listening to my conscious. And a part of me is waiting to explore the unknowns the world is willing to show me, through people, through places, through events, through hate and through love. The show ill go on. I will survive and I will live on and yes, I will wake up again at this magic hour and I hope you do too. I believe this is that hour when god created paradise. I see that. Hope you do too … :-)
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty Blogging at The Magic Hour …
End Of Entry No: 30 …
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 29 ...
20/02/2013 ...
Wednesday ...
07:11pm ...
A Dream That Never Ends ...
It is a 5am flight. I board it. All the passengers are mostly asleep. The air hostess thinks very soon I am also going to be the victim of tiredness. But 60mins in the flight she is amazed to see me wide awake. She curiously asks me, "How come you are not sleeping?". And I reply, "All the folks are busy dreaming, while I am awake living the dream!". She understands and goes to chat with her other colleagues because she notices the sparkle in my smile and the glitter in my eyes. She knows where I am heading. I am going to the one place where I am truly Me. The one place that truly defines me. I am going to my Work place. :-)
My work is my dream and so it is for billions out there. A dream of mine which I never want to end. I envy those who get to live it every single day. I know one day, one day a time will come when I will be 24/7 occupied by work. But I am not here to tell you that. For that is an inevitability. I am here to tell you the feeling which makes work so beautiful! It is a feeling beyond sex, love or happiness. It is a feeling of completeness. You know Work, it somehow makes me pure. It makes me complete and it gives me something all the riches in the world can never give me. It gives me Meaning. A Sense of purpose. It shows me my salvation ...
I have a dream. A dream in which I travel the world because of my work. A dream which never ends. A dream which keeps me gong. Whether it is my training in the morning or my shoots in a different country or the movie premieres in mumbai. I wanna do it all and I never want to stop. I. Never. Want. To. Stop. I crave for it. I hunger for it. I want it. So so much. And yes, I wanna do this all by myself. I don't know but there is a different beauty to my imaginations when I am alone in them. I mean, don't take me wrong. I will love it when My Family and Friends will share my happiness but I always smile when all by myself in those pictures. Call me a selfish prick if you have too but there are some journeys one has to take on his own. I guess this is mine.
It is like a calling you know. The Lone Wolf calling I should say. My friends and family won't understand this I guess. But this is something that I want to do, something that I have to do. Something that is destined to be done. I guess when I am matured enough, financially strong enough and brave enough, I will take that plunge into the unknown. All by myself. Call me a little kid who just got ice-cream but I get excited whenever I think about all of that! I know there is a time and place for everything. And I am waiting ...
There are no cures for callings. They crumble in your gut and never stop telling you what you were truly born to do. And I gave in to my callings a very long time ago that is why I know this journey of mine is meant to be. Of course everything in life comes with a price and I guess I agreed to pay my price a very long time ago. But even though this journey will be lonely I don't feel lonely thinking about it. In fact I am waiting for it. This beautiful life filled with work, filled with my dreams coming true. Filled with me being the man I was born to be. Not a prick or a flirt or a womaniser or a rich spoilt brat but the man the gods choose me to be. All our lives have meaning. Sometimes you find it cross the street sometimes you find it out there, in the universe. I guess I am meant for the Latter.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I want to live My Dream. The Dream that will never End ...
End Of Entry No: 29 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 28 ...
19/02/2013 ...
Tuesday ...
04:10pm ...
It has been a while. Sorry about that. I am actually under the weather. I think it is viral. Have sourness in the throat and even my nose blocked. Taking medication. The anti-biotics will finally take their course of action and help me recover sooner. I have been out of the gym for the same reason. But I know it feels like a bitch to train when your nose is blocked. I am giving my body time to heal. And then I am back to my training. Tomorrow I go to Kolkatta for the Climax Schedule of Rocky. Have a lot of travelling coming my way so looking forward to it. One of my friends told me that I shouldn't write 'good' things about my life and the progress it is taking in my blog because that kinda of stuff will attract the haters and the ones who are jealous. I believe in otherwise. This is my blog. And I am just expressing how I feel. And when I truly believe in my actions, I have nothing to worry about. If bad vision of jealousy of others really affected us then none of us would had been successful. Thank god for free will, right?
To be honest right now I can't think of any topic to type or any feeling to express. I guess it is the balance of power doing it's trick. I have noticed that before I go for my shoots I just shut off and become quiet and the moment I start filming, my thought process switches back On and the words just start popping out. So I am looking forward for 'The Calling'. I updated My ipad and my iPod. I am a gizmo freak so I make sure all my electronics and updated with the latest softwares and apps. My best companions during my shoots are my ipod, iPad, laptop, diary and books. I am currently reading Bal Thakerey And The Rise Of The Shiv Sena. It is an amazing biography of the rise and fall of the Shiv Sena. I live in Maharashtra so I guess I was inclined to read about one of the most dominant forces of government in this state. And you know how much I am attracted towards power and this book magnifies my thought process and makes me realise the true cost of power. If I sum it up I can say 'That Power Is Not Given, It Is Taken.'
I am going to be reading 'The Fault In Our Stars' after this read. People who have read it say it is a very emotional book and it touches our soul. I am looking forward to it. I read this book last year, which my brother, Bhushan suggested. It was titled The Ultimate Gift. You won't believe it but I was crying like a baby in every chapter! It is one of the most beautiful books ever written and it taught me so much! In that very same way, I wanna read The Fault In Our Stars. I told you, there something very beautiful in tragedy as well. All we have to do is see it. I guess I am one of those who sees that. Did I mention to you that I am growing my hair? Ya, I wanna see now how I look. Back then, I know it didn't suit me but this time, with a little bit of maturity and experience I think I can carry it off. Let's see. This will also be a big Fuck-You-Old-Mimoh-Closure-Look. So let us see how this attempt folds out to be.
Speaking of old, I have a confession. Since the last one week or so or maybe before that or maybe when I got sick, I went astray with my new year resolutions. I got tempted by the normalities of life. But being home for the last two days made me realise that I am who I am. No matter how much I try, I will always come back to my origins. I will always come back to where I am Me. I will always come back to my one constant thought. This has happened to me like a billion times before and I know it will happen for another billion also. For I am who I am. This is my legacy. This is my Fate. This is Me. The Lone Wolf. The Fighter. The Man who Lusts for War and the man who now misses it. And you know what the craziest part is? I love it here ... :-)
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am returning to my origins ...
End Of Entry No: 28 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 27 ...
14/02/2013 ...
Thursday ...
11:45pm ...
Today was a rest day. I just took a bath. That was refreshing. But I still have to do my monthly clean-up of my hall, bathroom and room. I will surely try to do that before I leave for kolkatta on the 20th. Today was a good day. Got myself Self-Valentine's gifts. I did the same last year as well. That felt good. Tomorrow I go back to Chembur for training. My legs are still sore but I to be honest, I wanna go back there and train hard! Yes bro, I love to train! Training is only progress! Especially in today's times when one is talented only when he has a six-packs abs structure. So tomorrow I return to the fight. I return Home ...
I have been asking all my friends about the 'X' Factor. You know, that one thing which makes us apart from everyone else. That factor which makes everyone turn their heads and look at you. That something special quality which makes you super. The 'X' Factor. Believe it or not, I have been trying to find that factor in almost everyone I have met so far in my life but I still haven't found it. I guess that is irony. But I am still looking for it. Maybe someday ... Maybe ... Someday ...
I really can't get enough of C'Mon from Kesha! I just love this song! I think this is 300th time I am listening to it! I love my music! Saw Wwe Raw today and for the record I am one of John Cena's biggest fans! Wish I can meet him someday you know. There is so much more I wanna talk about my day and how I felt but I guess I will keep that for some other day. Yes, my day was good and I actually managed to make a few people happy but I guess I have to talk about that one constant which is in my head. That one constant that I always talk about ...
I was setting up a wallpaper for my whatsapp screen and when I was finding the perfect pic I found the wallpaper of Zero Dark Thirty. It is an amazing pic. The date is written and just below it is written "And Justice For All". I get goose bumps whenever I see that image. That navy seal, from DEVGRU {Navy Special Forces} just standing there waiting for his engagement with war. Waiting for his order to go and fight. Waiting for the siren to go back home ...
In my heart, in my gut, in every cell, I know I am meant for more. And I know I hunger for war. I lust for battle. I need a fight. Normality has never been my forte. It has always been fighting. It has always been that something extra. The reasons I am so much in love with Jawans and Marines and Seals is because they are men and women who are beyond normal. They are super! And I know I can be too. When you meet me, you will think I am just a regular joe and to be honest even I think I am one. But deep down, underneath, I know what my calling is. I know who I am ...
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I Lust For War ... That, Is by far, God's Honest Truth ...
End Of Entry No: 27 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 26 ...
12/02/2013 ...
Tuesday ...
11:37pm ...
S A C R I F I C E ...
Today I am tired. My Mma workout was gruelling. My legs have gone for a toss. But I real pain will come when I will wake up in the morning to take a dump. To be honest I am looking forward to it. Pain has always been my friend. And Pain is Gain. So, the more pain, the better. I wanted to watch a movie right now but I guess I will fall asleep in the opening credits itself. I know, you must be thinking that what am I doing here when I should be sleeping now. I am here to tell the gods something. I am here to talk about my sacrifices ...
I am not going to bitch and scream and cry anymore because I am here, on my knees, begging you, pleading to you to give me what I want. Give me what I truly deserve. Give me what is mine. And I know that everything in life comes with a price, so here I am telling you that I am willing to pay that price. I am willing to sacrifice. Anything you ask I will give. I have been doing it for the last 15 years now, I will do more. Just tell me what you want and I will give it! Just give me a sign, a signal, anything! I am ready to sacrifice more. I will make sacrifice my life but please give me what I want ...
If you tell me I won't see home for 300 days in a year, I will accept. Yes, I will miss my family but I know they will understand. If you tell me to always be alone I will do that too. If you tell me to give you my soul and whatever good is left in it, I will give it away in a heart beat! I will do as you say! Just give me what I want! I am a fighter and I may have been knocked down a billion times but every time I have fallen, I have risen from the ashes because I have the will to fight! I have the power in me. I have the hate. I can be your greatest weapon of justice. I will do all that you tell me to do. Just. Give Me. What. I. Want!!!
What else can I say? Today was a shitty day but tomorrow will be a glorious day. I will make it glorious. You have tried to break me down so many times but every time I have come back. You test me everyday. Show me the horrors of the world but yet here I am still standing. You can't break me. I am a Chakraborty. We have success in our blood and one day I will rise. I. Will. Rise. You know that and I know that scares you. My power scares you. My wrath scares you. But that day in inevitable. I won't stop. I never did. I never will. You fuel anger and hate in me but this doesn't put me down, it only makes me stronger. You will see, I will win. I always win.
I ask you again, please give me what I want. I am still here and I will continue doing what I am doing because I believe in myself. You know I deserve my due. You know it. So give me what is mine. You gave it to people who don't even deserve an inch of it. Give it to me now and see what I do with it. Give Me what is mine and in return take my soul. Corrupt it. Burn it. Destroy it. Make me the darkness you enjoy playing with. Make the monster you want to slay. Do whatever you want with me but Give Me What I Want. What I Truly Deserve.
I am here and I am Waiting ...
End Of Entry No: 26 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 25 ...
11/02/2013 ...
Monday ...
09:55pm ...
P R O VO C A T I V E ...
My hands were tingling. They wanted to type. Since the time I sat in the car, I wanted to come home and write. I wanted to vent out. I wanna talk to god. I want a reply. I am not afraid. But I need answers. So here I am seeking them. That anger in me, it grows. When I hear the truth, it hits me. Yes, I am a monster. I have become one. It is because of my hate. My carnage. My darkness. My reflection shows me nothing but emptiness. The shallow image of a man I once was. All I see now is fire. I see Hell. The place where I belong. Where now I have crawled out off. Oh that anger. I want to scream! I want to destroy! I want to cry! I want to unleash this fury! I want the world to know how it feels! Plead? No, never. I will never plead. I will never bow down. I will fight. But fighting makes you something else. it makes you angry. Your patience is tested. Every moment. When your due is not given. But you never give up. You sacrifice. The world doesn't understand your choices. Well, fuck them! This is me. I am a warrior. I choose this war. But war is for demons. Demons with hate in them. I see good in people and that burns me. I envy them. Their goodness. Something I will never feel. I am the master of war. Take me to the battlefield. Make me your instrument of war and never let the war end. I can't wait but you sit there and laugh at me. Is this is my punishment? Why this punishment? Why this feeling? Of waiting and waiting. Fine, I will wait. But in the process all that is human in me will vaporise. It will be extinct. And all that will be left will be the ashes of the monster now you see. Oh I want to burn! And with me I want to burn the world! This anger, this anger can't be controlled! This fury! I pay my dues everyday. I push to the limits everyday but you give my dues to others. You let them enjoy my rewards. And you make me suffer. You make me suffer. You make me dark. You make me the evil you want to destroy! Why I ask? Why? Will this ever stop? Will the madness ever end? Answer me! You have answered to so many! Now I ask you! I demand answers! Do you hear me? I am here. I am giving my blood, sweat and tears. I follow the rules. I do as you say. But still you make me wait! You still test me! When will I get my due? You know me! You know who I am! I am a soldier and I love the fight! But give me a real fight! Give me my life back. You make me sit and test me. Show me the horrors of reality. You sting me with the truth. You scare me with fear. You are making me into this unstoppable monster. I may not have fangs or claws but from within I thirst for war! I thirst for my true purpose, I hunger my calling! I can go and on. I can never stop. Yes, the price. I know the price that I have to pay. You don't have to remind me. Underneath my skin, crushing my bones, running through my blood, I know what the price is. I know who I am. Truly. The truth of Mahaakshay. I know what it is. It doesn't scare me that I will burn in my own fury! In fact I am waiting for it! You have to give me the match! I thirst for power! I want it all! All should be mine! Me. Me. And Me. I won't go down without a fight! I will destroy whoever is there in my path! I will do whatever it takes. You still break me. You enjoy it, don't you? Yes, you do because you have the power! You saddistic, self-centered prick! You love making me go through this! But you forget, this place, which was once alien to me, is now my home. I nurture here. I embrace this darkness. I observe all your hate. And I become indestructible! I am a war machine! I am the future! Me! Me! Me! Laugh at me, just as how everyone else does. I don't care. The world hates me anyways. When I lie to them they like it but I am honest they cast me out. They fuel the hate. Am I at fault? Am I really the bad guy? When every guy out there does worse than me why am I targeted? Am I the only monster? Everyone is out there proving how good they are and in the end they make me look like the villain. Fine. Make me the bad guy. Make me the villain. Fuel my soul with hate. Fools don't know that this hate is my power. One day I will have the last laugh. One day, I will have all the power and I swear until there is a single ounce of breath left in me, I will not stop! I. Will. Not. Stop. You stall My films. You tease me with glimpses of the future and then you take it away. You arouse me and then leave me out there in the cold. You make me feel guilty for things that aren't my fault. Fine! Do what you want, I will still be here tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that! Burn me in hell, I don't care but I will live this life to the fullest. The world calls me many names. I personally like Monster. There is not even an ounce of good left in me because power and good can't co-exist. And I choose power. Pure Power. Only Power! I will take what is mine! I won't let you take me away until I do that! In this world where hate rules, I will return the favour in hate because that is the only language they understand! They spit and hate and smile. Le them. I am still here. I am still standing. You have made me go through so much but I am still here. I am not being a bitch by complaining. Trust me, I am way more blessed than millions out there and a part really loves that! But I have a hunger. I see that pound of flesh right in front of me. But you have chained me. You make me see it. You make me smell it. You think you can break me. You will never break me. I will burn you in my wrath! You made me this monster. You made me give in to this darkness and now this is who I am. I will pay the price for my greatness and one day that greatness will be mine. I swear it will be mine because I am a fighter. And I know you envy my wrath because you can never have it. You will never know how this hate feels. I do. I defy you! This is my act of defiance! This is my stand! Blood, Sweat and Respect. The first two you give, the third you earn. I am here doing just that. The one you thought you could destroy will be the one who destroys you ...
I am Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And this is My Fury ... Try to stop me if you can! I will burn but I will make you burn with Me !!! ...
End f Entry No: 25 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 24 ...
11/02/2013 ...
Monday ...
02:40pm ...
It has been a while. Sorry for that bro. I was travelling. Had gone down south. Was visiting all my properties. I wanted to do a blog entry from there but I didn't have time in between the meetings and the travelling from a to b. But it was fun. I have started training more heavily now. I have now become a part of the Mma Elite. At least, that is what I think of myself. I would love to tell you all about my training but I wanna show you the end results. But all I can is that I am in the next level of training and trust me, I am loving every bit of it. I love my iphone and even though the auto correct function is a great asset while texting it sometimes sends strange words! I think siri is taking over. Is this a sign? A sign that very soon all the machines will become a self-aware and cause judgement day to happen? I may sound very lame right now but I guess I am talking like this is because I was watching Terminator Salvation on tv the other day and got hooked on to it. I loved the way James Connor was introduced in the film. Oh! How much I love action! Maybe that is one of the reasons I love Mma so much! And speaking of music I am right now in love with Kesha's 'C'Mon' ... I think it hits the tune bang on! I will surely put up the link here. I will be leaving soon. For Mma. Speaking of Mma, I went to the Physio today and finally examined my shoulder. My left shoulder needs fixing but thank god it does;t need surgery! I can't think of not doing Mma! It is a part of my life now and I need it everyday! Mma India is leaving no stone unturned to make me the Perfect Warrior! I am very happy to be a part of such an amazing group of people. I have 10 days before Rocky's schedule starts again so I am giving my 100% to my training. Will upload pics as the days progress. And before I go, all I can say that I am still trying to evolve. I think a part of already has and a part of me is still stuck there, at the end of the lane. Sitting here, in front of you, I don't know what topic I can talk about, or what feeling I want to express. I guess these things just come automatically. But until that juncture comes, I know I have training to do. Kesha to listen and something to hold on too ...
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I guess I am at the crossroads of life, waiting for directions ... The Energies of The Universe, are you listening? :-)
End Of Entry No: 24 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 23 ...
02/02/2013 ...
Saturday ...
11:46am ...
The zee party last night was nice. The ambience was well created. It was a jungle set-up. My brother gave a satire joke saying that it suits the industry we are in. All animals wearing their best masks and coming forward while from within hating each others guts. My brother truly is smart. Anyways, I met any known faces. I remember a few years ago, my heart would skip beats if I would meet these actors but today like I am one of them and that makes me feel very good. I met some known acquaintances too and some new faces as well. All greeted us with respect. Vivek Oberio came and hugged me. Sonu Sood was a gem of a person and he was addressing me as his younger brother. He really is a very nice guy. I mean, there wasn't any pretence there you know. He was himself. I also congratulated Dino Moreo for his amazing chemistry with Dad in 'Heroes'. Chunkey Pandey gave me his love and blessings and so did Anu Malik. He always is very sweet to me. And when I went to take a leak, for the 2nd time in the party, I was asking myself that why am I not feeling anything?!? I mean, in these parties I usually lock eyes with women and flirt with them and in the end exchange phone numbers. But last night I didn't. In fact, I didn't wanted too, even though there were many beautiful women there, women whom I always wanted to know. But I guess My priorities have changed. I am glad they have. But just before we left, I met the ever-beautiful Sushmita Sen and I shook her hand and told her that if there is any meaning of a Pure and True Woman, it is you ma'am! I mean come one! This is Sushmita Sen here! One of India's greatest divas! And in return she told dad that is in love with my sense of addressing women and I am a complete charmer! I blushed scarlet at least a thousand times after hearing that! And even today I woke up late which is not acceptable. I have to make up for that. I am an early riser and by any means necessary I am going to make that happen. I have to go now but from this month onwards, at the end of every entry I will upload a pic and a link to one of my favourite songs. All thanks to my Sister and My Merlin. :-)
End Of Entry No: 23 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 22 ...
01/02/2013 ...
Friday ...
08:16pm ...
My iphone got conked. The glass broke. A year earlier I would be freaking out and panting and I think sad all day. But I don't know why I am calm. In fact, more calmer than I thought I would had been. I guess change comes in various forms indeed. I am happy of this change. I am evolving. Becoming a better person. A more self-efficient person. I love my electronics. In fact, I love them more than the people I know in my life. My electronics don't pack their bags and leave. They are loyal and faithful and always there for me whenever I need them. I know my iphone5 will come back to me. And until it does, I will wait in patience. I am at the office now. We will be going to the premiere soon and then to the party. All of Rimoh's friends are coming. But my focus isn't in all of these things. My focus is on the days ahead. I am very tempted to tell you what all is planned for me but right now, I am going to stay silent. There are many things much more important in this life than friendship, love, sex and all the other temptations life throws at us. It is time to focus on the good stuff. The right stuff. The important stuff. Sometimes, the right thing isn't the popular thing. But what must be done, must be done. Sometimes we have to let go of the things we want the most. Sometimes, the end of the line comes sooner than we expected. That line has come for me too. But for every end comes a new beginning and I am with open arms looking forward to that new beginning. Smile at adversity and adversity will smile back at you. :-)
End Of Entry No: 22 ...
*********************************************************************************
Entry No: 21 ...
01/02/2013 ...
Friday ...
02:57pm ...
Time flies. And it waits for none. We have already reached February. And yes, besides the dubai trip, I have kept myself anti-social. I am progressing and I am glad that I am. Today, I have to for a Marathi Film Premiere and then the 20 years of zee party all the way in town. Looking forward to both of them and this time, My bros and sis are also coming. Today evening will be fun. My hair stylist and costume designer will be coming here by 04:30pm, so before that I will go to the gym for a 45mins run as I missed today morning's training. Feeling guilty like shit but I still have time to rectify my mistake. You know that I am the morning guy. I need to wake up everyday by 08:00am and when I do, my day goes perfectly. There are things I have to do and all of those activities come into order when I wake up early. So yes, tomorrow, I am going to be the 08:00am. Even though I am an extremist, I have learnt that when it comes to training, even if I do 20mins of it, I am progressing towards a better me. So yes, sometimes, doing a little goes a long way. I would love to tell you what all I have planned for February but let my actions do the talking. For actions speak louder than words. I am in love with 'No Matter What' by Papa Roach. I think it is one of the most beautiful songs ever composed. The pinch of rock combined with those lyrics make it the best rock/love song I have heard in years! And just a few lines ago, I was talking about being an extremist. And yes, in mostly all cases, I am an extremist and once I make up my mind, I make up my mind. And right now, the decision that I have taken is that from here on out, I won't get attached to people. Whether they are my friends, best friends or even lovers, I won't get attached to them, I won't be dependant on them. For people have a tendency to leave and they eventually disappoint because they have different lives than mine. And they have different priorities. And I have noticed that I am the guy who ends up getting hurt because I am waiting for them to care but no offence to them, they have no time to care. I have observed in life that it is better to have strong defence mechanisms than to be open about your feelings and luckily in all of these years, my defence mechanism has become as strong as a fortress. And to be honest, the life I have chosen doesn't give me chances to make errors or go soft. I have a job to do and that job requires me to be more stronger than what I am today. I would love to chat with you more bro but the treadmill awaits me. As The Rock says, "Blood, Sweat and Respect. The first 2 you give, the third you earn." And so, the journey begins.
End Of Entry No: 21 ...
