The Wait ...

"The Greatest Test Of Man Isn't The Battles He Fight But The Wait Has To Endure Before Them."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

Sometimes, I wish I never stopped writing. Sometimes I wish that once and for all I say what I wanna say and then it ends. It all ends. But no matter how many times I have tried, something’s always there. It waits. It just keep on waiting. And it looks at me and tells me that I have to wait also. That wait has made me wait for more than 8 1/2 years now. And it still does. I don’t know why. I have tried to ask it. I have waited for the answer. I have been longing for the end. But I am here. Still waiting. While I see the world move on, I still wait. Like an unknown force keeping me tied up. Like a Punishment that never ends. It tests me and tries to break my spirit. Screws with my head and implants fear in me. The fear of failures and disappointments. This wait is torture. It is purgatory. It keeps you in the same place and every moment over there feels like centuries. It eats you alive limb by limb and breaks your strength. There is nothing more dreadful than Waiting. And I know how long I have been here. I cry silently ‘cause this wait does’t allow me to connect with the ones I love. My desires are kept to myself. My passions are taken away from me and all I see in blankness. But I am still here. Still waiting for the answer. Still waiting for the end. And I am still surviving. This wait has tried everyday to break my will and spirit. But it fails every time ‘cause I can’t quit. I have never learnt to quit. 

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."

-Carl Sagan

You know, I have been called selfish. Not just there in the outside world but even for my blogs. I remember a while back one of my readers told me that I only write about myself. That my blogs are self-centred. That I shouldn’t be this way and understand that just like me everyone else is also fighting a hard battle. At that time, I was pissed off and hurt by that comment but that person was right. I only write about me. But trust me, in the moments with myself I always think of that one blog which I will dedicate to everyone except me. i think of saying thanks to them. But then, as you know that this blog is published in a public forum, writing names and disclosing a part of their lives may not be the right thing to do. So I hold myself back. But I know what they are going through. As Rashad Evans said, “We all are fighters. Everyone on this planet is fighting for something.” And I agree with him. I am not the only one who is fighting. I know so many people who are in tougher situations than me but who are still fighting. I admire these men and women. I respect the hell out of them. And for me they all are heroes and warriors. Why will I talk about them now you ask? Well, when you aren’t doing anything besides waiting, you tend to see life from a deeper perspective and when you do that, you see that there are people out there who are braver then you are and who are fighting a harder battle then you. I do sound like a self-centred prick most of the time but I guess that is the Leo trait in me. But before I finish this paragraph and start talking about myself again, I just wanna say Thank You to all whom I have met and to all those who have inspired me. You are Warriors and Fighters and I believe if you stay the path and fight the wait, you will eventually see the silver lining, ‘cause no matter how tough this Wait, I somehow believe in that also.

"Life was always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act."

-Paulo Coelho

Before you start reading this paragraph I just wanna say that I am going to be writing about Mma. So, in case you are a Cricket fanatic like the rest of India or a football lover like the rest of the world, you should skip this paragraph completely. I am sorry but I am deeply in love with Mma. I really can’t have enough of it. And I think as the days goes by, in all of my entries, there will surely be a paragraph, completely and always dedicated to Mma. I have been in love many a times with many a things but I have never been in love with something so deeply as Mma. I can vouch for that. The way those fighters are, their lifestyle, their training, the way they are in general, it is like heaven for me. I feel so much of joy when I see UFC Live events on Sony Six and get my Mma Tees from Mma Ware House. I feel so happy when I imagine myself training in a Mma gym in America. Trust me, when I wanna feel immensely happy in this wait of mine, I only think of Mma. Mixed Martial Arts and an alternative reality associated with it. And I am very happy in that reality. Mma gives me an escapism. It frees me from these cages. And the prisons of wait. Mma is my happy word and it fills my heart with joy and bliss. I have told you many a times before through my blogs that i have always loved pain and I have always wanted to test my limits. Well, Mma lets me do that. Every day. Day in and day out. If you don’t believe me, go and see their their videos on youtube. Those guys are freaks and I look  up to all of them and at the same time I envy them ‘cause in their countries they have the tools and space and the mind set where they can have the pleasures of Mma. Where I am from, people can’t look beyond six stumps and for some reason, they want that all year long! But it is what it is over here and there is nothing I can do to change that now, in the position I am in. But this wait you see, it starts making you feel like shit and fills you up with insecurity and worse than that it fills you with doubt. But no matter how dark it gets here, there is this tiny voice inside of me, which still believes. Which still believes that the light will come and one day this suffering will be over.

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

For my previous blog, Complete Randomness, a very close friend of mine told me that I was trying to hard. He was asking me why was I so open and free about my emotions? He told me that the world does’t deserve to know. He was right from his point of view but you see, my point of view is different. When you are waiting for things to happen for you, you try to release all the pumped-up anger you in you and vent out and in the process feel better and that is why I have always stated that these blog entires have been a great stress buster for me. And even though I may not write down the entire truth, I do feel better by the end of every entry. It is like I am giving myself a psychiatric session. But I want the world to know. I want someone to know. These entries sure are stress-busters but they are also a cry for help. A signal to save me. So, being the stubborn son a gun that I am, I keep on expressing and typing and writing and believing that one day someone will respond. That one day I will finally live the life of my dreams. That one day, real freedom will be mine’s to keep. That one day I will live a life according to me. A life in which I don’t have to take anyone’s shit and not listen to anyone. Even if their opinions are out of care or not. I live in that belief that one day I will be Me. Completely. In and Out. This Wait, no matter how bad it is can also change you in ways you thought you could never be. Like for example, if you ever had come to my madh bungalow before and checked out my hall, room and bathroom, you would had seen things which didn’t belong there but where kept ‘cause I was too attached to them. But now, as this Wait is finally getting to me, the anger in me has also triggered a certain serenity in me. A serenity for me to have the will to let go of things. And not an inch of me is regretting that. In fact, the larger hall and bigger bathroom space is only making me better and happier. I have given away mostly all of my clothes and shoes. I have given them to the needy and to my staff. All my old books and accessories have also been distributed. Perfumes which I didn’t use are now in the hands of people who cherish them and more importantly than that, in my head, I am imagining a world in which my wait is over and in that world I don’t a 1,000 perfumes or a billion shoes. I only have one brand of perfume. That one good body wash and those simple pain of jeans. The Wait can surely show you horrors you never want to bare witness too. But me, I have in a cleansed my soul in them.

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth."

-Ayn Rand

So that is it my readers. This is where I am today. In this place called the Wait. I wish I could had told you more about what I am going through and how I feel. But I know I can’t. So I wait. I just wait, wait and wait. Given the situation I am in, I have no other choice also but to Wait. Wait while I see others do what I wanna do. But it is ok. I have been in this place for long, I can be for a while longer also. This wait can make me cry and install fear in me and fill me up with anger and hate but it won’t break my will. It never has. It never will. I have always been a fighter and I always will be a fighter. I will never stop fighting. No matter how tough it gets. I will always find joy within me. I will go to my happy place and live there. I will recharge and survive there and find my bliss there. But I won’t give up. I won’t give up until the voice inside of me tells me to stop. The fire in me still burns and even when I am down and low and sick and tired, I will get up once again and clinch my fists and fight. Life has tested me enough but somehow it wants to test me some more. So if it thinks it has finally broken me after 8 1/2 years, it is completely wrong ‘cause I still have a lot of fight left in me. But one thing I truly wish from the bottom of my heart before I end this entry is that no one deserves this wait. No one deserves this Punishment. No matter how much bad you have been and no matter how evil you are, no one deserves this kind of a wait. I wish one day I have the power to end the wait for all those who are waiting. To give those brave souls what all they deserve. I wish to meet them and give them joy and show them the light. I wish this wait comes to no one. And I wish this wait ends for all those who are in it.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am Waiting …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting."

-Elizabeth Taylor

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Complete Randomness ...

Date: 3/3/2014

Time: 01:13am

Location: Mumbai 

I am wide awake. Don’t know why? I am on my starvation diet which means I only get to eat 300gms of chicken in the night and workout twice in the day. I did cardio today for 90mins. I promised myself I will do that. And I burnt over 1,000 calories. Yes, it is an achievement and I am proud. My body should be craving for sleep by now but somehow my mind wants to blog. It tells me to blog tonight and write in my diary tomorrow. Don’t know why. You see my mind has been my greatest ally and my worst enemy. So right now, I don’t which role it is playing. Anyways I just got back from some place important. I don’t wanna tell you from where. I am right now too insecure to share. You know, been there and done that a billion times over so I am scared shitless to share something good with you in the fear that it will be gone soon. Before you think I sound negative, I went to visit a wonderful tarot lady recently and she told me not to think any negative thoughts. So I am trying that. To be honest I always thought I wasn’t negative but a realist. Anyways, the people around me have ordered me to do the same so even if I wanna share something with them I can’t ‘cause they will think I am going dark again. That really makes me sad ‘cause if I can’t be open with the people I love then with whom can I be? But on the brighter side, I am alone again today. After a very long time I have the apartment to myself and I am loving every moment of this. I guess the Loner in me is right now having a party! He he! These moments don’t come often I must say. You know travelling by yourself is cool but there is something spectacular of being all by yourself in your own apartment! :-) This blog is titled “Complete Randomness” so my apologies to you if this blog doesn’t have any message or a start or an end. This is just me being me. 

There is so much I wanna say. So many people I wanna say shit too and so many wounds I wanna heal. But I don’t know where to start. I guess I won’t start at all. You know, being completely honest I sometimes feel I am a coward ‘cause I don’t say how I feel even though I really want too. Einstein said it, didn’t he … He said that evil will rise when good men do nothing. So am I letting evil rise and letting the wrong continue by saying nothing? You know I have met the so-called honest people. They think that they are honest but actually they are cold and rude. There are ways to express the truth. Yes, I know the truth hurts but if there is humanity in us, we owe it to the world to make it less hurtful and painful when expressing our versions of the truth. But I guess for every diplomat there is a scumbag who thinks he is on the side of truth. Maybe that is why I keep quiet, ‘cause I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such ‘truthful’ statements. People say I am very good in expressing through my writing. That is a huge compliment but they don’t see the real picture there. When I blog and write I am actually seeking their help. To spread my word. To make the world read my blogs. To make the world see my story. That is my truth. I want to be heard. I really want too. I want the world to look at me also. I hope one day that time comes when they wait for my blogs. That would make me really very happy. But until then I will continue to write these blogs with the belief that yes, one day that time will come. :-) See, I am being positive here. I told you, I am a realist and practical. I see facts the way they are, even though sometimes my emotions get the most of me. And the strangest thing is whenever I express myself in a good way or a bad way, I am called a Bacha or a kid! Now that really pisses me off! For god’s sake people, I am turning 30 this july! Don’t take my calmness, quietness and politeness as something childish. Yes, I won’t fail to admit that I am a complete mama’s boy but I am a man in my own terms as well. If you could only see it.

I just mentioned to you in the previous paragraph how desperate I am for the world to listen to me and that is why I write these blogs. I remember a year ago, whenever I use to upload one of these entries I used to send it to everyone I had on my mailing list and send the link to all the celebrities on twitter. But I have stopped doing that now ‘cause honestly I don’t know who gives a fuck and who doesn’t. I mean, if you really wanna read my blogs you can always go to my website and read them. Why should I send them to you? That is the Leo trait in me talking right now. Too proud and self-respected even though sometimes the Lion in me takes time to wake up but once he does he never sleeps. I don’t know who reads my blogs. Who posts them or tweets them. I see the people I know doing all that they are doing. I am not important. They just say I am. You see, for them, words are only words. Friendship, love, respect and kindness mean nothing in today’s world. I know I am no saint but I have tried to live up to my word. For me promises matter and I really believe in the acts of kindness. I believe no one should be alone but in the process I have always been left alone. There are some out there who really try but you see they fail to understand. It is the understanding that gets them and they finally give up and leave. Typical isn’t it. People. Always. Leave. And that is why I try to not let people come in my sacred circle and hurt me al though they are doing a very good job at it and I am completely to blame for it. Maybe I expect too much from them. But I forget that we humans are the most selfish of the species and we will first only think of ourselves over anyone else. That is like a repeat telecast for me. Whenever I try to get close I get hurt ‘cause people are too selfish, cold or just too ambitious to think of anyone else besides themselves. I know I am ambitious too but I am not this cold! Anyways, people will always be the way they are and if you don’t tell them how you feel, they will complain that you don’t communicate and when you do express how you feel, they feel bad, frustrated and cry! Now tell me, is that fair? It is truly a funny world we live in. :-)

My sleep is kicking in. It is 01:50am now. I am glad I am feeling sleepy. Will try to wake up early and catch the oscars. Let’s see. But even if I don’t, I have spinning by 10:30am followed by a doctor’s appointment. I am side-by-side even listening to Kesha. Man! I fucking love that woman! Her songs are spectacular and she expresses! Like really expresses you know. Will surely take a picture with her and instagram it when I meet her. As I mentioned spinning and cardio earlier, nowadays, it is the only thing that I am doing. Cradio, cardio and cardio. Ask any fitness freak and he or she will tell you that after a point Cardio starts playing with your head if you don’t have that many options to burn those calories. Luckily for me my gym 48 fitness has got wifi enabled treadmills and machines where to pass the time, I Youtube UFC Videos. Trust me, they are highly motivational, especially the way they train. But the more I see those videos a deep sadness emerges in me ‘cause I know that I live in a country where people see nothing beyond cricket. I know it is the heart beat of the nation and I also felt bad when I heard India lost Pakistan, our arch nemesis but our country has to broaden it’s horizons and look beyond six stumps and give support to other sports as well. I know cricket is a money-minting machine today but only if someone sees and understands that there are people out there who are passionate about other sports, we can have so many more opportunities for the neglected sports. I just hope that day comes. See, I am again being positive. :-) Blogs really help me. They are my de-stress therapies and I feel very good when I express. That happens to you when you don’t have anyone who understands you. If you ever meet me, you will see that I really love the things I own. Yes, I am very materialistic but at the same time I am also very much in love with them. I take very good care of them. That is the thing I like about machines. They are very balanced. If you take care of them, they take care of you. There is complete balance between me and my machines. Not like the people I know. They know shit about balance. They say they try but in my world, trying isn’t enough. Either you do or you don’t. I know my circumstances and even though I am in these circumstances I do whatever I believe will bring the balance in my relationships. But unfortunately I don’t always get when I give and I hate that. No, I am not being negative now. I am just being honest. The Truth hurts. Doesn’t it?

The last paragraph! Finally! I don’t know why I always make the 5th paragraph the last. I mean why not the 4th or the 6th, hain na? Weird me. Anyways, thanks for reading, whoever is reading this. Hope I didn’t bore you. To be honest, I don’t give me a fuck what you think. You can keep your opinions to yourself. All my life I have been told what to do by people who didn’t matter to me. Just because I was silent. Mind you, don’t take my silence was dumbness. I read somewhere “Deep Silence Is The Daughter Of Deep Vengeance” so I guess there is a monster in me waiting to see this world burn or maybe there isn’t. That wonderful tarot lady told me I have only good karma’s now. That really relaxed me ‘cause I always thought that my Punishment was for my sins. Now I realise that it is God still pulling my leg. As Frank Castle told in Punisher War Zone, “Sometimes I Like To Get My Hands On God!”. I also feel like that! I wanna go up to him and just scream you know! Scream my guts out and scream until he hears my cries! I wanna ask him, “Why Have You Forsaken Me?” I want him to answer him. I want him to end the suffering. I want him to fill me up. I want him to make me happy and take this loneliness and emptiness away! I want him to end me or my suffering. This is what I wish. This is what I want. But I guess I am just an insomniac writing a blog which no one will read. Fate and Destiny have been very cruel with me. I know they have. They have broken my body and poisoned my mind. But they haven’t broken my will yet and it is that one strand of hope that one string of purity which is still left in me which makes me go fight another day and wait. The wait. Oh my! It is the wait that kills you, you know! I wish and pray that no man or woman go through what I have gone through. No one deserves this kind of punishment. We all deserve to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We all deserve our slice of heaven and we all deserve our rewards. I guess that is why I still believe. I guess that is why I still fight. I guess that is why I have still survived. See, I am Positive. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Was Truly Complete Randomness.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.