The Last Entry Of 2012 ...

The last entry of 2012. I think I should go out in style. New year resolutions popping up in my head. So many of them. So many I want to do. I think I have already begun. Let's see. New me. That is my priority now. New changes. Fresh changes. This is the new me. The evolved me. I know it will take time but I will get there. Kinda like self-therapy. No more messages to the world. No more trying to convince the people. They wanna read these blogs, they will log in and read them. Off the grid. Ya, that is what I wanna do. I know I can't completely but I am still going to try. I want a fresh perspective. And in a way 2013 is that fresh start for me. I am clean now. I have a clean slate. I am happy that I do. I have already worked out 4 times in the last 48hrs. Is that a good thing? No, I think it is a great thing. I want to be better. I want train harder. Become better. Become like steel. I will get there. I have the universe backing me up. So many thoughts running through my head. How do I put them all down, all at once? I can't. Maybe my actions will. This is already feeling good. I mean, I am already feeling better. No more concerns for the outside world. I am free. I want to be. My Dad is cooking Chinese for kaushik and nadira, since they have come over for new year's eve. I am happy they are around. Bhushan is being missed in the mix but he needs to be with his mom. I understand that. My family is here. That is what matters. That is what always did.

I think I shouldn't give spaces between my lines anymore. I wanna write these blogs in one go now. My sister is watching the greatest music videos of 2012 on vh1 and 'hall of fame' comes up. It is like the universe is trying to tell me something. Like it is always with me. I have always believed in the signs and the signals that the universe has given me. Whether it was Warrior on star movies the other day or hall of fame right now on vh1, the universe is telling me that stay on track boy. You doing good. Just keep going. This is who you are. This is who you will always be. Stay the track boy. Stay the track. I feel good. I know the powers above are with me. They have always been with me. I feel a strange confidence when they are around. This feels good. This freedom. This freedom from my own pretence. We have a new puppy in the house. We have named her alaska. She is so small and white, we can't catch her from the naked eye if we don't look carefully. Adorable she is. But my bulldog partner is showing her attitude. That always happens when there is a new arrival in the house. But after a point of time, they all start gelling. They all become a family. I am trying to find a relative theory between the words I just wrote and what I am about to say. But here it goes anyways, what I am trying to say is that we get used to anything if we stay around it for a while. That is our speciality. Us humans. We get used to people and we even get used to not being around them ...

Am I making sense? I don't even know anymore. I think I even don't care. There is a certain calmness in me now. This new me. This new change has brought a certain calmness in Me and I am glad it has. Step by step, that is what I keep on telling myself. This change won't happen over-night but it will certainly happen one step at a time. This is necessary. Very necessary. I want to evolve and I will so. I think just like Me, even my blogs will have a new makeover now. A new me means a new blog too. Nice. Change is always good. But I still have one fear. I want to be completely honest in My blogs from this point on. But I don't know who I will. I guess I need more strength in My balls than I thought was required. Let's see. I have a whole new year ahead of Me. A fresh new start in the future and whatever fate holds for Me. I can sit here and write down all the things that happened to Me during this past year but I know what all I went through. The good and the bad. And I think this makeover is the culmination of what all I went through. And besides I have learnt a lot in this one year and I wanna keep the past where it belongs. In the past. I now have a glorious year waiting for Me ...

I usually write 5 paragraphs for every blog entry that I do. I think it kinda gives justice to my words but this time, right now, listening to green day on vh1, starving my ass off for some yummy chinese, I can tell myself that I am blocked. I mean I know what I have to do but I don't know what I have to type. I guess it happens. I ain't gonna take it to My grave. There are things that matter and then there are things that don't. I am going to learn that now. I am going to evolve. I am going to be better and I am going to be more self-absoverved. I guess that is where the true genius of a man lies and in 2013, I am going to find that in me too. I miss writing in my diaries. There were much safer. These blogs are out in the open for anyone to peek in to my thoughts but I guess I started writing them in the 1st place. And I am going to continue to do so. I am a loyalist. These blogs have helped me a lot. To vent out. To feel good. And I guess they will continue to do so. This felt good. This 1st step towards my therapy. I wait 2013 with awaited breath. For the change is in Me and for I am the change that I want to see ...

End Of The Last Entry 0f 2012.

Merry Christmas! :-)

Christmas Is Not A Time Or A Season, But A State Of Mind. To Cherish Peace And Goodwill, To Be Plenteous In Mercy, Is To Have The Real Spirit Of Christmas. - Calvin Coolidge.

Sorry for the delay in the blog entry fellas. Since the time I have been back from hyderabad I have been very busy. Of course I am going to tell you all about that in the lines below but before I continue I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year ahead! I mean, we did survive 'the end of the world' so I guess we have more reasons to celebrate 2013. I know I am not the celebrating types but every now and then even the Devil takes a break from being a bad-ass. And I am just human. I won't call Myself grumpy but let's say I am one of those guys who says that there is no one-special-day to celebrate when there is something to celebrate everyday. I know that is lame. And I think this same time last year, I was playing the real-life version of Mr.Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. Was his name Scrooge? Never mind. The Point is I am a better person today and more importantly a lighter person today. I never knew than letting go of My Ego and saying sorry to the people who needed to hear it from Me, would actually make a happier person. I guess Christmas truly is a time of giving and happiness … :-)

As I said, I will share My experiences of christmas with you, so here goes. The moment I landed back to Mumbai, I was greeted by Kaushik and Nadira. These guys flew all the way from Australia to meet us! Now that is love! And in the 10 years I have known these guys, this was the 1st time I met them! So you could imagine My happiness when I hugged them! From the moment we sat in the car till the moment I dropped them back to their hotel, we were laughing our asses off! Whether it was talks about life, future or women, we found something to laugh and cheer about. Kaushik and Nadira are gonna be with us till the 2nd of january 2013, so that means the 1st of January 2013 will be all beautiful and positive for Me because these guys are not only funny but they are positive and a delightful company. Speaking of good company, I had a blast at Gaurav's 19th birthday bash! My Younger brother, Rimoh gave the idea of a costume themed party and it paid off well as 90% of all the guests who showed up had amazing costumes. Even though there was a Harry Potter, Texas Ranger and a Pirate in the House, it was Bane who stole the show … :-)

We all saw The Dark Knight Rises and I guess like everybody else, I also loved Bane in the movie. No one could had played Bane better than Tom Hardy. I knew I couldn't enact the Role exactly how Tom did but I tried My best. My Costume Designer, Irfan Khatri, made like the best costume ever and when I tried it on, before the party, I was amazed how good and real it felt! For the 1st time, I actually felt like Bane! All powerful and all. And My mask came a day before from the States, thanks to the super-fast shipping process. I really wanted to sound like Bane but I think I failed miserably in that. But nevertheless I went on and was disguised as Bane. I even told the DJ to play Bane's Theme Music as I entered the Party with My goons. I gave a Speech, which no one understood, {embarrassed} made My goons 'fight' the Birthday boy and fought him Myself too. Of course since the tradition says the good triumphs over evil and because Gaurav was the birthday boy, he kicked My ass and then closed the act with a special dance performance. But the audience didn't expect Bane and his goons will join the birthday boy for a special Gangnam-Style curtain call. The crowd erupted and everyone was clapping and whistling. All-in-all, it was the perfect birthday for the sweetest boy I know. A Boy I am proud to call My Brother, Gaurav. :-)

I thought that Gaurav's birthday bash was the best way to end 2012 since it was on the 22nd, one day after d-day but the Christmas Dinner at Nikki's place was a surprise. I never go to christmas parties or to parties whatsoever. I am the 'boring' guy or the odd one out and I am ok being that way. So going to a christmas dinner was certainly not in the memo. But Nikki being the sweetheart she is, invited all those I knew to the dinner and it was very hard for Me to say no. My dress code was outrageous and because of that I won the worst-dressed-guy-at-the-party present. We played many games including truth or dare which we have to stop playing because we were only asking sexual and pornographic questions to each other. Al though a part of Me wanted to continue the game. {Blush}. But we landed up playing PG Rated games which included saying nice things to each other and My Favourite game of the evening, The Game Of Gratitude. It was actually pretty nice to hear people what they were grateful for and it was wonderful to say it out loud Myself too. I know you all would want to hear what I said, so here goes. "I am grateful of feeling gratitude. Not many people in life realise that they have the capacity to see in themselves that there are many things that they can be grateful about. And I am grateful to all that has happened to Me because of all those things I am the man that I am today. So yes, I am Grateful. And yes, one thing that Gratitude has taught Me is that life is made of the simple things in life and one should always treasure them." I don't know how you guys felt right now reading those lines but I loved them typing them. :-)

So before I go, I want to say that I had a wonderful christmas with the ones I love. I never knew that christmas would make Me this way but it did. I am thankful to all these beautiful people for loving Me and accepting Me for the way I am and I wish, hope and pray that every christmas I get to do this. Not everyone gets to be as blessed as Me and even though I know that there is very little good left in Me, it was enough for someone up there to shower Me with these beautiful moments. So to all My readers, Merry Christmas and very happy new year to you all! May you all always be blessed and not just during christmas but all year round. And before I go, I wanna give a special Shout-Out to My buddy Nathan who is right now celebrating christmas with his family thousands of miles away. I am with you in spirit bro and I am blessed to have a friend in you. I wish one day, just like Kaushik and Nadira, you and meet too. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this was My Merry Christmas … :-)

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Somewhat Honest Confessions, Before The End Of The World …

The Day of Days. I mean literally, the Day of Days. The day, the Mayans predicted centuries ago, that the world will come to an end. Many have different interpretations of it. Some think that an asteroid will crash on earth, some think our planet will change it's axis and some also think it will be the beginning of World War III. I, on the other hand, am divided by two sides. one who doesn't care because He is strong enough not to think about it and a part of Me, is scared shitless! But what if the world doesn't end on the 21st? What if with the other 7 billion people I actually survive D-Day? There are many thoughts that run through My mind. But there is one apt thought which lingers in the sub-conscious. That one thought which doesn't let go like a leech. No matter how much you have tried to eradicate those words and that one question out of your very existence, it hangs on like a cob of webs. And that question is, Did I actually live My life to the fullest? Well, My readers, you are about to find that out …

I have been writing My blogs for a very long time now and I guess you all must have had a slight preview of the Man that I am. But even today, till this very moment I am figuring Myself out. I am still exploring the realm of My senses and trying to understand whatever is left of My soul. I recently finished reading No Easy Day by Mark Owen and that book somewhat changed Me and My perspective towards Life. Those, brave men, the Us Navy Seals, who risk their life for the country and who don't even want the recognition for it made Me realise that they are much more important things in life than gossiping, bitching and bad-mouthing. That life is of a much greater purpose. That we, as individuals, should endure what comes our way than running away from it. After reading the last page of that book, I knew that I won't be the same again. And I guess I am not anymore. People who know Me for a while now, whether they are My co-stars or colleagues see a change in Me. A certain calmness and maturity which all find worth praising. And they all ask Me the same question. What brought this change in you Mahaakshay? Is it a girl? Is it love? And I simply answer, "Life happened to Me." You see, we don't plan to grow up. We just do. The same way we don't change our lives. Life changes us …

I sit here today, on My chair, at a quiet corner on the sets of My Film, where I am with My thoughts and I just wonder. I just wonder. As to what I was before and what I am today. They say, the first step of therapy is to be honest with yourself. So here I am, trying to make that happen. Finally accepting My faults and gracefully receiving My blessings. A thing I hope I finally succeed in. I have done some bad things in My life. Al though, I do agree that there are people out there who have done worse, I know, that I have done wrong. Some of them really deserved it while most of them, didn't. Whether it was Family, Friends or Lovers, I have hurt them all and a part of Me really enjoyed doing so. I don't know why I did but a part of Me never wanted to stop. Today, when I am finally at this juncture of My life, I have nothing but an emptiness left in Me for the things I have down. I guess I had it coming. We all deserve our due, not in heaven or hell but right here, on god's green earth, while we are still breathing. I know I will never be forgiven for My sins and the ones whom I have hurt will never forgive Me but whoever out there is reading this and those, who I have wronged, I want to say that I am sorry. I am truly, deeply sorry for the things that I did and I hope in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive Me. Before I move on in life, I have to first forgive Myself. And maybe, just maybe, this is that start …

I don't know where life will take Me. It brought Me this far, it will take Me further ahead too. But life is simply beautiful not because of the heaven it shows you from time to time but because it teaches you how to appreciate it. I am not a messiah, nor a prophet but one thing I do wanna tell everyone is to appreciate and be grateful. Trust Me, those things go a long way. And I mean a very long way! I know I am one of the bad apples but I am truly and divinely blessed to have this life! Every moment of it has either given Me something or taught Me something. And it is this life which has shown Me that it is the simple things in life that truly matter. Whether it is the bond I share with My father today or the friendship I share with bhushan, I find life that brings Me a certain joy from the last place I thought I would ever get. Today, I am maturing into the man I was always meant to be and now I know what is important to Me. I do miss special occasions, such as the Dance Performances of My Brother and Sister but I do know that I am here, Working, so that one day, I can give My Siblings what they want. That one day I can gift My Dad a Car, which will make him feel proud of Me. That one day, I can give My Mom that Vacation which will bring her utmost happiness. I want to do all those things and something tells Me that I will …

Some of you must have gotten really bored by now and some of you must think that the 12-steps to recovery is really doing it's affect on Me. But even now, when I am under the influence of My own revelations, I am still a fragment of the man that I was or maybe the man that I am always going to be. Long gone are the days when I used to hit on every girl and boost My ego. Long gone are the days when I thought that having flings and fun was the only essential part of life. But I was so wrong. Today, all those whom I knew have moved on and are with the people who treat them as the queens that they are meant to be. A part of Me laughs at Myself for the stupidity I did back in the day and that side of Me wants to disappear in the darkness. Wants to vanish without a trace and become lost in a place where there is no finding. But there is this other side to Me who wants to endure. Who wants to live through this truth My thoughts have made into a reality that no matter how hard I try and no matter whatever I do, I will always be alone not because the gods have cursed Me to it but because I choose to be so. My 'Greatness Calling' you can say. Before, these so-called 'self-pity' lines used to work like a charm on the opposite sex but today, it is what I believe in. Today, these words have meaning for Me and are a reason for a higher purpose. Today, I live by these virtues and it is these virtues which have showed Me the way to My inner being. To the 'Real' Truth. Call it My thirst for Power, My hatred for My piers or the Jealousy I possess for the success they have achieved, I am the way I am and I know that for a very long time, I am going to be this way. I guess this is the part of the plan as they say …

I don't know if My words made sense to you right now or if they crossed the message I wanted to say at the beginning of this blog. All I want to say is that the end of the world or even the thought of it has made Me realise many a things in My life. Some for which I want to find forgiveness and some for which I am truly blessed about it. Either way, if I survive D-Day I want to promise Myself that I want to be the better version of Myself, no matter what the sacrifice will be because sometimes in order to change the world, we must change ourselves …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these are My Somewhat Honest Confessions …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Rise …

Mahaakshay Chakraborty:Origins ...

It Is Not Death That A Man Should Fear, But He Should Fear Never Beginning To Live. - Marcus Aurelius

We all have our beginnings. And there is something unique about them. No matter how much we try to forgot them, they never go. They linger in our minds and come to us as flashes from time to time. I have been writing these blogs for quite sometime now and I had promised Myself that when I do start, I will, one blog at a time, reveal Myself to the world, who I actually am. You know know where I am headed. But sometimes to know the future or even the end, we must go back to the beginning. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is that story. The story of a Boy who now, is in the process of becoming a man. These are the origins of Mahaakshay Chakraborty …

Accept Everything About Yourself - I Mean Everything, You Are You And That Is The Beginning And The End - No Apologies, No Regrets. - Henry A. Kissinger.

We shifted to ooty when I was only 9 years old. Back then, I didn't understand why because all My Relatives and Friends were here in Mumbai. I was heart-broken most of the time as I used to miss them a lot. But as time rolled by I got accustomed to the beautiful, chilly weather of Ooty and as everyone else, I moved on and made new friends and found a new life there. Today, mostly, all of My School mates are either married or are in the process of getting married. Many of them are living the life they choose too while some still suffer from the inferiority complex. But none the less, those folks gave Me a hell of a lot of beautiful memories. And I cherish them even today. Whether it was being elected as Santa Claus for 2 consecutive years or whether it was all the boys trying to impress the girls when we just hit puberty, all My Memories of My School Days still bring a smile to My face. So to all of them, if you ever read this blog, the ones who loved Me and the ones who couldn't stand Me, thank you for that beautiful phase in which all of you played major parts. But My life turned drastically once we shifted to Coimbatore …

Begin At The Beginning And Go On Till You Come To The End; Then Stop. - Lewis Carroll.

There were many reasons why we shifted to Coimbatore. But I don't want to get into the details of that. All I can say is that, that place, every inch of that house, every day living there, changed something in Me. I recently visited all My properties down south. Whether it was The Monarch International School in Coimbatore, The Monarch Hotel in Ooty, The Monarch Safari Park in Masinagudi or The Monarch Mysore, I became nostalgic when I entered My home in Coimbatore. I mean, this is the place where it all began! Whether it was My Dieting or My Exercise. Or the first time I kissed and lost My virginity or even the first time I got a Movie offer. This house has been the foundation to it all and I can never, ever forget those memories. This was the place where I first learned to walk straight. Before I used to walk like a duck, with a hunch. I started sprinting and corrected My running here. My very 1st outing to the city was in Coimbatore. I remember My Mom had given Me Rs.500 as pocket money and for the very 1st time, I saw a Movie in an actual Public Movie Theatre!  I can go on and on of the things that I have done here. But the most important thing I found here was Unity. Unity of My entire Family. Today, living in Mumbai, we are still unbreakable. Sure, we all have different priorities today but all are One even today all because of the thick bond we have since our coimbatore days. Today, Coimbatore is growing rapidly but for Me, Coimbatore will always be the way it was when I used to live there. And even today, whenever I go there, it reminds Me of My Purpose. It reminds Me who I truly Am …

Let Every Dawn Be To You As The Beginning Of Life, And Every Setting Sun Be To You As Its Close. - John Ruskin.

I am a very moody person. Ask all the women whom I have dated and loved. The one thing that pushed them away from Me was My erratic behaviour. My uncertainties. My instant and drastic mood swings. Even today, I suffer from this problem. But I know that slowly slowly, these erratic behaviours  of Mine are getting subdued. But whenever I wanted clarity, I went up to the stars. To all those confused readers out there, please, let Me explain. We have a massive open terrace in Coimbatore and since we live in the remote outskirts of the city, the night sky is glittered with twinkled stars from the heavens above. This one night, a very long time ago, when My Family was in a place and time I don't want to remember, My Dad told Me, "Mahaakshay, go up to the Stars. Just lie down and be with them. Feel their positive energy. Hear their silence and ask them whatever you want. They listen. They always listen and they will give you what you want." Since that day, till today, whenever I visit coimbatore, I make sure that every night, I go up and talk to the stars. It is like tradition for Me. To pay homage to those great giant balls of gas who have been with Me for all of these years and still continue to do so. Till today, they haven't spoken to Me but trust Me, every time I have gone up there, I have come down with an answer. A Clarity. A Message. Their Silence speaks to Me more than the thousands of unwanted opinions I get everyday from people I actually don't care about. It is strange how life shows us the way. For some, it is through temples, churches and mosques. For Me, it is though a Date With The Stars …

In Every Phenomenon The Beginning Remains Always The Most Notable Moment. - Thomas Carlyle.

It has been more 6 years since we shifted back to Mumbai but whenever I go back to Coimbatore, it just feels like yesterday. Coimbatore will always be Home. It was always be the Place of My Beginnings, of My Origins. The boy who ran 5kms a day over there has gone now. Today, I know that I face a tough world. A world which has made Me a Selfish, self-centred, Cold Prick. But whenever I go back there, I am that boy again. That boy who was filled with innocence. I have done some terrible things in My life. I made many women cry over Me. Hurt people who didn't deserve and I know that even in the future circumstances will make Me do all those things again. But going back to Coimbatore. In that Peace, I believe that there is Redemption, even for guys like Me, who don't deserve it. I know how My end is going to play out for Me. But I know that through all the fights, hardships and struggles, I survived back then, just like the way, I am surviving now. And I know I will survive in the future too. So before I go, all I can say is that we all want to move ahead and I know that we all will. But sometimes in other to understand what the future holds for us, we must go back to our Beginnings ... To Our Origins ...

Truth Is The Beginning Of Every Good To The Gods, And Of Every Good To Man. - Plato.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And These Are My Origins.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Place Where I Belong ...

Our Greatest Pretences Are Built Up Not To Hide The Evil And The Ugly In Us, But Our Emptiness. The Hardest Thing To Hide Is Something That Is Not There. - Eric Hoffer

They say they understand. They all understand. They all say the same thing. And for all this time I just wanted them to understand. But they don't. Some try. They do. But they don't get it. Some don't even want to listen 'cause they are too busy in their own lives and wanna vent out their feelings. People are strange. And I am one of them. For a very long time I didn't understand. Why I was this way. But today, I do. I finally get it. The answers are coming to Me. Some come as blessings while some come as Punishments. But They do. Right now, typing these words, at 11:22pm in the night, after a long day of work at our Paparattzy Productions Office and then a brutal 60mins of Mma, I understand. Listening to Castle Of Glass from Linkin Park which is stuck on repeat, I understand. Being alone in this room while My brothers and sister watch their favourite tv shows, I understand. I understand this is not where I belong. For I now The Place That I Belong ... I know The Place That I Belong ...

 Take Me Down To The River Bend,
Take Me Down To The Fighting End,
Wash The Poison From Off My Skin,
Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

Time waits for none. And nothing is as permanent as change. People move on. People learn to forget. People learn to forgive. I am not saying that I have seen much of life. But being 28 years old, I think I have seen My share of experiences and I have tried to understand the life which came My way. I don't know even if this blog of Mine will actually convey the message I want to say. Or will it just be another entry. I have tried talking to My Friends and Family. About this, this Emptiness I feel. They all love Me, so they support Me. They say, "Don't worry, it is a phase, it will get over soon." Or "No more War Talks. You have had enough of those for a lifetime!". So I stopped asking them. I stopped expecting that they would understand. They don't. No one does. For only I know The Place Where I Belong. It is out there. Fighting. Surviving. Struggling. Sacrificing. Going through all that pain. Being in that constant madness where My body has broken many a times. Where I have no one but the reflection in the mirror. Where I am judged for everything that I do and where every action of Mine has a ripple affect. I belong to My War. I agree that My War doesn't have any blood or death but it has Me, Fighting. Always Fighting. My War, a place of Purpose. My War, a place of Worship. The Place Where I Belong ...

Fly Me Up On A Silver Wing,
Past The Black Where The Sirens Sing,
Warm Me Up In A Nova's Glow,
And Drop Me Down To The Dream Below ...

I have tried. Trust Me, I have tried. When I come back from My long outdoor schedules, I have tried to fit in. To adjust to the world I left behind. But I can't. I just can't connect anymore. Multiplexes don't excite Me anymore. Coffee Shops are not pit stops anymore. And the attention from Women doesn't tingle Me anymore. But I have tried. I have seen people holding hands and laughing. Couples kissing and hugging. Families celebrating. But I don't feel. I don't feel besides the emptiness ... besides the emptiness. Out there, I am alive. I am Me. Here, I am not even My shadow. The things that excited Me, don't matter to Me anymore. The things I thought were important for Me are not anymore. A part of Me thought that the world will wait for Me to come back but it has moved on. My Brothers and Sister have their friends now. The women whom I admired are now married. The friends I chatted constantly on bbm then, now have new phones. All have moved on now. So now, I have no place here. No one needs Me here. This is not where I belong. So I go ... I Go To The Place Where I Belong ...

Bring Me Home In A Blinding Dream,
Through The Secrets That I Have Seen,
Wash The Sorrow From Off My Skin,
And Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

But I wait ... I mean I have to wait. Like I have always waited. Until I hear the Call, I Wait and wait in Silence. But sometimes this silence turns into anger. There are many things Emptiness can do to a person. I guess it has just made Me A Bitter, Shallow, Dark, Lonely Creature who is waiting. While the world gossips, bitches, hates and spits, I wait. People don't understand. For some I am boring. For some I am ugly. For some I am the Devil and for some I am as good as dead. But they don't understand this emptiness. The don't understand How much I long for My War. People give advice. Yes, they all do. Even when not asked. They apparently wanna see Me 'happy'. They say 'love' is the way. Or 'chill bro'. 'Live a little.'. People and their opinions. They don't understand that I only long for War. The sound of 'Action' and 'Cut'. I only long for those gruelling hours on the sets when My legs die to rest but I still carry on and give that perfect shot. I long for that life which cuts Me away from everything else. From all loose ends. From all emotions. From all connections. I long for My War. I Long For The Place Where I Belong ...

'Cause I Am Only A Crack In This Castle Of Glass,
Hardly Anything There For You To See,
... For You To See ...

Some or all of you will hate Me. You will say, "You Ungrateful Prick! I am suffering here. People are dying out there. Kids are starving! And you are complaining! You deserve to burn in hell you rich-spoilt brat!" I know many of you will think this of Me. But I am beyond all of that. I am beyond temptation or lust or sex. I am beyond the dates and the dinners. I am beyond the parties. I am beyond them all for I feel only emptiness here, in this 'normal' world. So I pray to that God-Awful-Monster. I pray to Ares, I pray to them all to call Me back. Call Me back to My War. Call Me back to The Place Where I belong. I once, a very long time ago, thought I could had been normal. But it looks like I am not. I don't belong here. I never did. I never will. I guess people like Me are cursed and doomed by our own Greatness. I guess that is the price we pay. You may judge Me. You may hate Me. Do what you feel like because it doesn't matter to Me who you are and what I have done to you. I am here, waiting with My Back-Up. Waiting for the Call. Waiting for My War. A War that will one day destroy Me. But this War is what I call Home. This is The Place Where I Belong ...

If We Don't End War ... War Will End Us. - H. G. Wells

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Know Where I Belong ...

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Welcome To My Brotherhood ...

We Don't Need Holy Wars. What We Need Is Tolerance And Brotherhood And Simple Humanity. - Arlen Specter 

Friends, Team, Crew, Unit, Staff, Entourage. They have many names. I simply call them the Brotherhood. And what better way to show them My Love and Respect than to dedicate an entire blog to them. They say blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Besides My Family and the Life given to Me, I am blessed with 4 more individuals whom today, I proudly call Family. Without whom I may have not been where I am today. Without whom, I may have not come this far. Without whom I may have been just another brown star who would burn without any light. Without whom I may have not been Mahaakshay Chakraborty. Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome To My Brotherhood …

So where do I begin? Where do I actually start? How do I give these amazing men their introductions? I guess all of them deserve their own share of credit.  Whether it is Khatri Irfan, My Dress Designer, Mohammad Altaf, My Make-Up Artist, Mitesh Shah, My Hair Stylist and Prabhu Ganesh, My Assistant, they all deserve their due because I have seen where they were and where they are now. We all are very similar to each other because we all started from nowhere. And now, as Fate wanted it, we have found each other and made this indestructible Unit which stays together, no matter what. We know when to work and when to have fun. And not even once have I seen them as inferiors. No. Never. They are My equals because without them, I am just a guy. With Them, I am Extra-Ordinary! And all of them are married and are My Elders! So you see, I owe them more than they owe Me. You may think why I am praising them so much. Well because they have earned it! I know these guys even before I was Mahaakshay Chakraborty. They have seen My struggles. They have seen My Tears and they have shared My dreams, joys and triumphs. They are My Brotherhood …

Here, in this brotherhood, there are no religions. There are no castes and no differentiations. Here, we are One. We work as One Solid Unit. My boys are very professional when it comes to My Work because they know how important it is for Me to look good. Whether it is Altaf who does My Touch-Up before every shot or Mitesh setting My hair with the right amount of Hair Gel or Irfan giving Me that perfect jeans or even Ganesh giving Me My 5pm coffee just the way I like it, we all are very professional from the time we enter the sets till the time we hear 'pack-up'. Ask everywhere where I have worked, everyone, from all of those Movie Sets had only praises for My Team because of their Nature and Respect for others. We all know the value of Respect, especially in our Industry, where we hate more than we love. We know whom to talk to and with whom to be friends with. We know where to draw the line and where to let go. These boys have sacrificed so much for Me. Accepted Me as I am and have only supported Me. There were many others who came and left. But these four stayed because they believed in Me, just like the way I believe in them …

I am not saying we don't have problems. We all come with our share. We all do. But even in the midst of all those thoughts, we find reasons to smile because we don't let each other down. There are times when I am zoned off and because we have spent so much of time together, My unit sees My body language change and make an effort to cheer Me up and guess what? It actually works! We eat together and we stay together. We understand each other and we also respect each others space. Whether it is Altaf and Irfan being Muslims and Mitesh being a Hardcore Jain or Ganesh being from the South, we know that we have to respect each others space and never step on each others toes. I think that is one of the reasons we have survived through thick and thin together. Back in the day, in the beginning, we met as strangers. People who didn't knew each other. Today, we are Brothers. Brothers who share the same plate of food. Who share the laughter from the same joke and even share that joyful tear when we talk about our dreams. We are a Brotherhood and proud to be one … 

My works takes Me to far of places. Away from home. Away from My Friends and Family. But since I am blessed to have these great individuals by My side, I never feel alone or lonely. They have always been there for Me. And I know that they will always be with Me. Insha-Allah! These guys know that for Me, Loyalty means everything and due to god's blessings these chaps have never given Me a reason to complain. As I said, they know from where they have come and where they are today and where they will be going. I am responsible for these individuals. Their dreams are attached with Mine. It is My sole responsibility to provide for them. I am not just fighting for Myself or My Family, I am also fighting for these boys and their families as well. I have eaten their Dhoklas and Biryanis and Idlis. I know what that feels like. To see them smile when I succeed. To see them laugh when I do something funny or to even hear them snore when I wake 5mins earlier than them to get ready. These boys have become a part of My life and I, on the record am saying this that I am nothing without My Crew and tomorrow when I do succeed, along with My family, My Brotherhood will be responsible for it …

So before I go all I wanna say is that I am truly blessed. Yes I am. I know My life is moving in the right direction with the right people in it. I am a part of my Brotherhood where we are not discriminated or categorised. Here, we are equals. Equals who will fight for each other and stay together till the end of time. My brotherhood will always be a part of My legacy. And I wish that one day we become an example for the world that where love exists, nothing else matters. No Creed, Caste or Religion matters. All that matters is the bond we share, not as an Actor, Make-Up Artist, Assistant, Hair Stylist or Dress Designer but as Brothers. Brothers who will ride together, who will die together. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to My Brotherhood …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this is My Brotherhood.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

My Date With The Reaper ...

James 5:20

Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

You know that feeling … That feeling when you are finally where you wanted to be. You dreamt about it your whole life and then finally you are there. You prepare for it. You wait for it. You imagine it. And then, without a second's notice, it is there. All My life I prayed for that moment to come. That feeling of completeness. And now, I am finally living it. A part of Me is filled with joy because I am finally where I am but there is a side to Me which is petrified! Which is full of fear. For this moment of completeness is also the moment of realisation, that this is it. This is the final touch to the painting. The full stop to the story. This is how it is going to be for the rest of My life. Through all the struggles that I have overcome and all the wars still bestowed upon Me, this is the way I am going to go out. But I never knew that before the curtain call, I would meet with this stranger. A Stranger, the folk lore of the world calls as the Soul Collector. I simply call Him, The Reaper. Ladies and gentlemen, this is My Date With The Reaper …

Have you come to collect? Is it My time? Is this the way how it ends? Is their light at the end of the tunnel? Do I get to see god? These were the questions that were running through my head when I met The Reaper but all I did was look at Me. This beautiful monster who God created. For the balance in this world. People have this assumption that The Reaper is a hideous and devilish monster who is pale and down-right frightening but all I saw was this Serene, Peaceful and Calm being which was filled with Energy just like you and Me. And what puzzled Me most was that he wasn't doing anything to Me. He wasn't tearing My soul out from My body, nor was he showing the torments of hell. He was just standing there. So, finally, after the 5mins of awkward silence between us I asked him, "So?" and he just replied, "Before you say or think any further can we both sit down some place peaceful and have a nice cup of tea?". Of course I was bewildered by his words but nonetheless I proceeded and granted his wish. What followed afterwards was something I never expected. Especially from The Reaper himself …

"You obviously must be thinking why am I having a cup of tea with you when I should be collecting your soul. Well, to make the long story short, I am not here to collect your soul. I am here to understand it." I asked in confusion once again, "Excuse Me?". And for this The Reaper said, "Let Me explain. But to understand the answers, We must first ask the right questions. And so, we begin. Mahaakshay, we all know that you made your deal with God and the Devil at the same time. You asked for it all and you even accepted the consequences that come along with it. We always had our eye on you. Even when you didn't know, we were there with you. Every step of the way. And as time passed, you became an exceptional human being. And we all were so proud of you. But then something happened to you? Didn't it? You became something more than you asked for. You went far down that road, didn't you? We all knew, you would, in the end, become just like us but we didn't expect this. So I ask you this question, why did you become this thing? We never wanted you to become this way. You cared once. You loved once. You were once that Boy. A Boy who is filled with Innocence. What happened to you Mahaakshay? What. Happened. To. You?" 

I just looked at him. To be honest, for the first few moments I didn't know what to say. I was completely taken a back. I mean, this is The Grim Reaper after all! The Collector Of Souls! And that entity, just spoke those words to Me! At that moment, I had no comeback. But, as those never-ending moments of shock and realisation went by I blinked, I moved My nostrils to breath the air and then I opened My lips and said, "I know what happened to Me Mr.Reaper. I got consumed. I lost control. And I forgot when to stop. I always knew that Greatness had a price. I always knew that I had to make certain choices that would haunt Me until I died. I also knew what would happen to Me the moment I would say Yes. I knew it all. But I never knew I would become this cold-heartless-selfish human being. I have forgotten how to care. How to look beyond My own self. I have become this Fake personality for the world. A personality that the world thinks is real. But I am more darker than that. All those who once loved Me have now gone, for they only see a very self-centred, selfish human being. They look at Me and wonder that how can a man be so much self-consumed that he looses his ability to care. His ability to love or even be concerned. For them, I mean nothing now. For them I am not even a memory. But Mr.Reaper, I had My reasons. I always had My reasons." …

"I want to succeed. I want to win. No matter how hard it gets. I want to triumph. Feel the exhilaration of victory. I want My hand up. I want to make it through this hellish war. I want My Greatness. And for that, I am willing to do anything. You see Me today as a Monster who doesn't care. But you know from where I began. You know what I went through. For Me, My Success means everything! For My Success will one day define My legacy. And to achieve that I can do anything. I can become anything. I can't stop. I won't stop. Yes, I know what this journey has made Me. It has made Me this shallow-godless-freak who deserves nothing but his loneliness and you know what? Even though that scares the shit out of Me, I am ok with that. You heard Me, Mr.Reaper, I am ok with that. So when you come to collect My soul make sure you put in the last circle of hell, for that is where it will belong. But until then, I will do whatever it takes to live this life of Greatness because that is all I have! One day, My body will crumble, My bones will break and My Mind will be shattered. One day I will be a sad, broken, lonely of a man. But Today Is Not That Day … Today Is Not That Day!" ...

After what I said, Me and The Reaper had another 5mins of awkward silence. But after that, the tea cup was empty. The breeze was still blowing it's cool wave and the silence of words were still playing their tune. Then The Reaper got up and started preparing for his exit but not until He said His Last Farewell Words to Me. "I have met many but none like you. You are far too consumed by your Ambition. I know you will achieve it. And I also know that you won't stop until you do. But you will pay a heavy price for it. A very heavy price. You will never feel love again. The warmth it brings because your Anger and Hate have left you in the coldness. Your Vengeance has no end. Your Wrath has no limits. Your Darkness has no light. And even though I am the Collector Of Souls, Souls, some which deserve their punishment in hell, some that deserve their solitude in heaven, I will pray that You find Your Peace for your Greatness Is Your Curse. You are Meant To Live. You Are Meant To Fulfil Your Purpose, Even If That Purpose Will One Day Be The Only Thing That You Will Have Left. Farewell My Friend. Farewell You Little, Sad, Lonely Creature. Farewell."

The Reaper left after that. Left Me in the nothingness where it all began. The Nothingness where it will all once end …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Was My Date With The Reaper …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Beyond The F@!k ...

Destiny Grants Us Our Wishes, But In It's Own Way, In Order To Give Us Something Beyond Our Wishes. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

Thoughts. Thoughts are the creation of everything. They are basically the seeds of our very being. Like all the others out there, My thoughts dominate Me too. But before you think that this blog is about a one-night-stand I had recently and My sexual escaped during it, well My readers, I am sorry to disappoint you because none of that happened and neither this is about that. This is about that thought. That one singular thought which takes a lot of time, experience and maturity to come into place. This thought is called "Beyond The F@!k" because there comes a time in a man's life when he stops thinking and reacting to the silly, bitter and small things which are a part of his life and looks beyond the phrase, "I don't give a f@!k anymore!". I am right now in that phase of My life and I am glad that I am …

There are many things which go through in a person's life. And mostly all of them include hardships, tensions and struggles. Some of them even include jealousy, envy and even hatred. In the world we live in today, it is very difficult to be 'sane' and 'normal' and 'peaceful' when everywhere you go, you face the battles which life throws at you. So it is natural that in order to 'fit in' we become these social-attention-hungry animals always trying to be the One-Up from the rest. For a very long time I was one of them. Hearing about others. Loving the gossip which spread like a virus and also rejoicing in others failures. I was that guy. I enjoyed being that guy. Maybe it was because that was the only thing that kept Me going because back then, I was a failure too. As they say, 'Misery loves company'. And so, I wanted the world to burn as much as I was burning inside with the emptiness that failure gives you. But Since I have started working again, I have changed. I am still trying to figure out how that happened. These things don't happen through planning. They just happen when they have too …

As you all know I am right now filming for My very 1st Bengali Film Rocky. My Dad is here, helping Me with the Dialogues and the Diction because I really want to give My best to this Film. Recently, we filmed a very important sequence of the film which consisted of monologue-long dialogues of My character. The day before we shot, you have no idea how nervous I was! I didn't know whether I could had pulled it off. But I did. I was very proud of Myself but I knew, at the back of My head, that no matter what I do, once the film releases, people and critics will still find flaws in Me and if there aren't any, they will create them. These 'practical' thoughts used to affect Me before but now, I don't give a sh@t  anymore or in My words, I am right now beyond the f@!k. It doesn't matter to Me anymore what people think. What the critics will say, what the haters will tweet and what even god decides. I am now Beyond The F@!k and proud to be …

No matter how many examples I give. No matter how simple I break it down. And it doesn't even matter in which language I write this, in the end My words will always mean the same. I am where I want to be. This is where I belong. This is what I was born to do. And this is where I will die. And that is why I have become this man. This man who is now Beyond The F@!k. Who just doesn't care anymore. I know for the world I have now become this godless-soulless-machine who is so cold that even the arctic has a complex against him! But I am this man. I know I am. And to be honest, for all of My life, I wanted to be this man. This unstoppable force of nature who knows nothing besides his goal. Who feels nothing besides his relentless pursuit to win and make all things possible. Who is so consumed by his own wrath that he knows nothing beyond his own dreams. For the world I am simply a Monster.

But there are times. Times when I slip even when I don't choose too. Those quiet moments during the wee hours in the mornings. When I wake up and prepare Myself for the Work ahead. When I check My Bbm and Instagram. When I see the world celebrating diwali and going out for parties and hooking up for love and sex. There are times when I envy those people. Times when I can't stand their happiness. When I realise that they have something more than Me. Something that I deserve more than them. There are times when I slip and fall into the abyss of jealousy and hatred. But then I tell Myself, I remind Myself who I am. Who I Truly am. It is a lonely place where I am. Here , the only companions I have are My Electronics and the beats I hear when I put on My Dr.Dre's. Here, no other soul understands and now I know that no one ever will. For out there, people do give a f@!k about others and are only concerned with the failures of their enemies. But here, I am Beyond The F@!k …

People don't care. People are not concerned. They say they do, they say there are. But the truth is, they are as selfish as the person next to them. I am glad I figured that out now. Now, when I am just beginning the most important chapter of My Life. The Chapter of Responsibility. Many people may read My Blog and call Me a pathetic loser because how lonely can a man get that the only way he can vent out his true emotions is by typing them down on his laptop! I may agree with them in some six degrees of separation but I am not affected by them. I no longer am because I am where I belong. This place, this lonely dark place may not have the pleasures that the world has to offer but there is something here that the world out there can never give Me … Purity. Yes, this place is pure. It gives Me exactly what I want and it has made Me the man I wanted to become. Ask any man who searches for peace and he will answer that he has to first find the madness. Go beyond the norms of society and Beyond The F@!k. I am in that place now. I am where I belong. Judge Me however you want. Call Me names and even spit on My face if you want too. I don't care because I am not looking for redemption. I am not waiting for the after-life and neither am I waiting to see what god looks like and the virgins he offers Me in heaven. No, I am just a man who is exactly where he wants to be. I am a man who is Beyond The F@!k …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am Where I Belong … Beyond The F@!k …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Opposite Sex ...

Women Are Made To Be Loved, Not Understood. - Oscar Wilde.

Women. I think that one word says it all. The opposite sex. The war of the sexes. Men are from mars women are from venus. The list goes  on and on. And as every man out there I am still trying to understand women. And something tells Me that I will never get there. To that final thesis of a conclusion, that yes, I have finally cracked the code. I have finally figured out the opposite sex. Maybe, writing this blog will help Me get there. I don't know. Maybe. Let's see. I have been around women My whole life. Whether it was My Mom who bared Me for 9 months or whether it was My babysitter who take care of Me when Mom wanted to take her bath, I have grown up in the company of women. And as a 28 year old guy today, I have nothing but respect for women. No matter how much the man hunts for meat and no matter how much he brings home, the woman will always be the foundation of the family. Trust Me, I know. I have an amazing mother to prove just that.

I know I maybe taking My Mom's side here but I know what she has been through. All My Mom ever wanted was to be a house-wife. She left all her stardom and fame when she decided to marry My Dad. I don't know how she did that and that always made me curious. Whenever I asked her that question she just said, "Being a wife and a mother is all the happiness I ever needed and now I am living that happiness everyday." My Mom is the mother of 4 children and trust Me, even today, we don't make it easy for her but she stills stays strong for us. On the record today, I am openly saying that I am a Momma's Boy and will continue to be so, no matter how people take that for Me, My Mother has always given Me her love and supported Me through My darkest years and for that I can never thank her enough. I know for every child their Mom is the best but I know this without a shadow of a doubt that in today's fast moving times, My Mom Is The No.1 Mom out there! Well My Sister, oh boy! She is a different story altogether … :-)

My sister just turned 15. We all know what happens when we reach that age and My Sister is no different. She is rebellious, down right on-your-face and sometimes harsh too. But let's face it. We all were the same when we were 15, were't we? I love My Sister. She is My life and because of her, I know I am a better man a much more responsible man. I fear the day when she will finally grow-up and have boyfriends and one day fall in love and become someone else's. But I know that day is inevitable. But until that day comes, I want to be the best brother she has. Me and My sis may not meet eye to eye with almost everything but when it comes to fighting for each other, we leave no one! I guess, that is a bond only a sister and a brother can share. Having sis around makes Me believe that there is still some good left in Me that I have been blessed with such a sweet, beautiful and caring soul as My Sister. My younger brother maybe her favourite but she knows when it's time to kick ass, I am the brother who will be up for the job. 

Surely you must be thinking that since I am going in order of the women in My life, the next paragraph will surely be of the women I have loved. Well, you are right on that but I won't take their names nor give any hints about them because that won't be right. All of the women who came in My life, came with the trust that their bond with Me would be sacred and for that reason, I will keep their respect. I have met many, many women in My life. And all of them, yes, I mean all of them have taught Me something more about love, friendship and respect. They say each soul you meet takes you to the next chapter of My life. I guess that has been the case with Me too. For a very long time now I have been around the company of women, whether they were My best friends or My lovers. Even today 3 out of 4 of My best friends are women! Trust Me guys, sometimes having a girl as your best friend can be so much of fun! They are actually more chilled out than we think they can be. And as far as the women I have loved goes, well, they have been nothing less than spectacular! To be honest, I think I am much more confident today because of the women who have been there in My life. Some have taught Me to talk, to listen and even to understand. All those years ago, even when I was a boy growing up, those women loved Me for who I was. And that is something worth cherishing about.

Sure you may think that I am buttering up women here and praising them like they are angels. Well, the truth is some of them actually are. I have met My share of women. The crazy ones, the dangerous ones, the jealous ones, the cold ones, the boring ones, the nice ones, the amazing ones and the loving ones. And all of them have left a beautiful memory for Me to think and smile about. And I know that I have made My share of mistakes with all of them. I have wronged many of them. Some who deserved it and some who didn't. I know I can't change the past but there is a part of Me now who is conscious about it. I just hope that one day I do become the man women think I can be. But until that day comes, I know I will always admire the opposite sex. I may not understand them sometimes but i do know that they are God's True Beauty on this Earth! And guys, you don't need to always see what the flesh looks like, sometimes, you just got to see their souls 'cause you never know, in one of them lies the real essence of their beauty … their purity. :-)

I am Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I guess I am still figuring out The Opposite Sex …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.