The Last Entry Of 2012 ...

The last entry of 2012. I think I should go out in style. New year resolutions popping up in my head. So many of them. So many I want to do. I think I have already begun. Let's see. New me. That is my priority now. New changes. Fresh changes. This is the new me. The evolved me. I know it will take time but I will get there. Kinda like self-therapy. No more messages to the world. No more trying to convince the people. They wanna read these blogs, they will log in and read them. Off the grid. Ya, that is what I wanna do. I know I can't completely but I am still going to try. I want a fresh perspective. And in a way 2013 is that fresh start for me. I am clean now. I have a clean slate. I am happy that I do. I have already worked out 4 times in the last 48hrs. Is that a good thing? No, I think it is a great thing. I want to be better. I want train harder. Become better. Become like steel. I will get there. I have the universe backing me up. So many thoughts running through my head. How do I put them all down, all at once? I can't. Maybe my actions will. This is already feeling good. I mean, I am already feeling better. No more concerns for the outside world. I am free. I want to be. My Dad is cooking Chinese for kaushik and nadira, since they have come over for new year's eve. I am happy they are around. Bhushan is being missed in the mix but he needs to be with his mom. I understand that. My family is here. That is what matters. That is what always did.

I think I shouldn't give spaces between my lines anymore. I wanna write these blogs in one go now. My sister is watching the greatest music videos of 2012 on vh1 and 'hall of fame' comes up. It is like the universe is trying to tell me something. Like it is always with me. I have always believed in the signs and the signals that the universe has given me. Whether it was Warrior on star movies the other day or hall of fame right now on vh1, the universe is telling me that stay on track boy. You doing good. Just keep going. This is who you are. This is who you will always be. Stay the track boy. Stay the track. I feel good. I know the powers above are with me. They have always been with me. I feel a strange confidence when they are around. This feels good. This freedom. This freedom from my own pretence. We have a new puppy in the house. We have named her alaska. She is so small and white, we can't catch her from the naked eye if we don't look carefully. Adorable she is. But my bulldog partner is showing her attitude. That always happens when there is a new arrival in the house. But after a point of time, they all start gelling. They all become a family. I am trying to find a relative theory between the words I just wrote and what I am about to say. But here it goes anyways, what I am trying to say is that we get used to anything if we stay around it for a while. That is our speciality. Us humans. We get used to people and we even get used to not being around them ...

Am I making sense? I don't even know anymore. I think I even don't care. There is a certain calmness in me now. This new me. This new change has brought a certain calmness in Me and I am glad it has. Step by step, that is what I keep on telling myself. This change won't happen over-night but it will certainly happen one step at a time. This is necessary. Very necessary. I want to evolve and I will so. I think just like Me, even my blogs will have a new makeover now. A new me means a new blog too. Nice. Change is always good. But I still have one fear. I want to be completely honest in My blogs from this point on. But I don't know who I will. I guess I need more strength in My balls than I thought was required. Let's see. I have a whole new year ahead of Me. A fresh new start in the future and whatever fate holds for Me. I can sit here and write down all the things that happened to Me during this past year but I know what all I went through. The good and the bad. And I think this makeover is the culmination of what all I went through. And besides I have learnt a lot in this one year and I wanna keep the past where it belongs. In the past. I now have a glorious year waiting for Me ...

I usually write 5 paragraphs for every blog entry that I do. I think it kinda gives justice to my words but this time, right now, listening to green day on vh1, starving my ass off for some yummy chinese, I can tell myself that I am blocked. I mean I know what I have to do but I don't know what I have to type. I guess it happens. I ain't gonna take it to My grave. There are things that matter and then there are things that don't. I am going to learn that now. I am going to evolve. I am going to be better and I am going to be more self-absoverved. I guess that is where the true genius of a man lies and in 2013, I am going to find that in me too. I miss writing in my diaries. There were much safer. These blogs are out in the open for anyone to peek in to my thoughts but I guess I started writing them in the 1st place. And I am going to continue to do so. I am a loyalist. These blogs have helped me a lot. To vent out. To feel good. And I guess they will continue to do so. This felt good. This 1st step towards my therapy. I wait 2013 with awaited breath. For the change is in Me and for I am the change that I want to see ...

End Of The Last Entry 0f 2012.

Merry Christmas! :-)

Christmas Is Not A Time Or A Season, But A State Of Mind. To Cherish Peace And Goodwill, To Be Plenteous In Mercy, Is To Have The Real Spirit Of Christmas. - Calvin Coolidge.

Sorry for the delay in the blog entry fellas. Since the time I have been back from hyderabad I have been very busy. Of course I am going to tell you all about that in the lines below but before I continue I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a very happy new year ahead! I mean, we did survive 'the end of the world' so I guess we have more reasons to celebrate 2013. I know I am not the celebrating types but every now and then even the Devil takes a break from being a bad-ass. And I am just human. I won't call Myself grumpy but let's say I am one of those guys who says that there is no one-special-day to celebrate when there is something to celebrate everyday. I know that is lame. And I think this same time last year, I was playing the real-life version of Mr.Scrooge from A Christmas Carol. Was his name Scrooge? Never mind. The Point is I am a better person today and more importantly a lighter person today. I never knew than letting go of My Ego and saying sorry to the people who needed to hear it from Me, would actually make a happier person. I guess Christmas truly is a time of giving and happiness … :-)

As I said, I will share My experiences of christmas with you, so here goes. The moment I landed back to Mumbai, I was greeted by Kaushik and Nadira. These guys flew all the way from Australia to meet us! Now that is love! And in the 10 years I have known these guys, this was the 1st time I met them! So you could imagine My happiness when I hugged them! From the moment we sat in the car till the moment I dropped them back to their hotel, we were laughing our asses off! Whether it was talks about life, future or women, we found something to laugh and cheer about. Kaushik and Nadira are gonna be with us till the 2nd of january 2013, so that means the 1st of January 2013 will be all beautiful and positive for Me because these guys are not only funny but they are positive and a delightful company. Speaking of good company, I had a blast at Gaurav's 19th birthday bash! My Younger brother, Rimoh gave the idea of a costume themed party and it paid off well as 90% of all the guests who showed up had amazing costumes. Even though there was a Harry Potter, Texas Ranger and a Pirate in the House, it was Bane who stole the show … :-)

We all saw The Dark Knight Rises and I guess like everybody else, I also loved Bane in the movie. No one could had played Bane better than Tom Hardy. I knew I couldn't enact the Role exactly how Tom did but I tried My best. My Costume Designer, Irfan Khatri, made like the best costume ever and when I tried it on, before the party, I was amazed how good and real it felt! For the 1st time, I actually felt like Bane! All powerful and all. And My mask came a day before from the States, thanks to the super-fast shipping process. I really wanted to sound like Bane but I think I failed miserably in that. But nevertheless I went on and was disguised as Bane. I even told the DJ to play Bane's Theme Music as I entered the Party with My goons. I gave a Speech, which no one understood, {embarrassed} made My goons 'fight' the Birthday boy and fought him Myself too. Of course since the tradition says the good triumphs over evil and because Gaurav was the birthday boy, he kicked My ass and then closed the act with a special dance performance. But the audience didn't expect Bane and his goons will join the birthday boy for a special Gangnam-Style curtain call. The crowd erupted and everyone was clapping and whistling. All-in-all, it was the perfect birthday for the sweetest boy I know. A Boy I am proud to call My Brother, Gaurav. :-)

I thought that Gaurav's birthday bash was the best way to end 2012 since it was on the 22nd, one day after d-day but the Christmas Dinner at Nikki's place was a surprise. I never go to christmas parties or to parties whatsoever. I am the 'boring' guy or the odd one out and I am ok being that way. So going to a christmas dinner was certainly not in the memo. But Nikki being the sweetheart she is, invited all those I knew to the dinner and it was very hard for Me to say no. My dress code was outrageous and because of that I won the worst-dressed-guy-at-the-party present. We played many games including truth or dare which we have to stop playing because we were only asking sexual and pornographic questions to each other. Al though a part of Me wanted to continue the game. {Blush}. But we landed up playing PG Rated games which included saying nice things to each other and My Favourite game of the evening, The Game Of Gratitude. It was actually pretty nice to hear people what they were grateful for and it was wonderful to say it out loud Myself too. I know you all would want to hear what I said, so here goes. "I am grateful of feeling gratitude. Not many people in life realise that they have the capacity to see in themselves that there are many things that they can be grateful about. And I am grateful to all that has happened to Me because of all those things I am the man that I am today. So yes, I am Grateful. And yes, one thing that Gratitude has taught Me is that life is made of the simple things in life and one should always treasure them." I don't know how you guys felt right now reading those lines but I loved them typing them. :-)

So before I go, I want to say that I had a wonderful christmas with the ones I love. I never knew that christmas would make Me this way but it did. I am thankful to all these beautiful people for loving Me and accepting Me for the way I am and I wish, hope and pray that every christmas I get to do this. Not everyone gets to be as blessed as Me and even though I know that there is very little good left in Me, it was enough for someone up there to shower Me with these beautiful moments. So to all My readers, Merry Christmas and very happy new year to you all! May you all always be blessed and not just during christmas but all year round. And before I go, I wanna give a special Shout-Out to My buddy Nathan who is right now celebrating christmas with his family thousands of miles away. I am with you in spirit bro and I am blessed to have a friend in you. I wish one day, just like Kaushik and Nadira, you and meet too. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this was My Merry Christmas … :-)

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Somewhat Honest Confessions, Before The End Of The World …

The Day of Days. I mean literally, the Day of Days. The day, the Mayans predicted centuries ago, that the world will come to an end. Many have different interpretations of it. Some think that an asteroid will crash on earth, some think our planet will change it's axis and some also think it will be the beginning of World War III. I, on the other hand, am divided by two sides. one who doesn't care because He is strong enough not to think about it and a part of Me, is scared shitless! But what if the world doesn't end on the 21st? What if with the other 7 billion people I actually survive D-Day? There are many thoughts that run through My mind. But there is one apt thought which lingers in the sub-conscious. That one thought which doesn't let go like a leech. No matter how much you have tried to eradicate those words and that one question out of your very existence, it hangs on like a cob of webs. And that question is, Did I actually live My life to the fullest? Well, My readers, you are about to find that out …

I have been writing My blogs for a very long time now and I guess you all must have had a slight preview of the Man that I am. But even today, till this very moment I am figuring Myself out. I am still exploring the realm of My senses and trying to understand whatever is left of My soul. I recently finished reading No Easy Day by Mark Owen and that book somewhat changed Me and My perspective towards Life. Those, brave men, the Us Navy Seals, who risk their life for the country and who don't even want the recognition for it made Me realise that they are much more important things in life than gossiping, bitching and bad-mouthing. That life is of a much greater purpose. That we, as individuals, should endure what comes our way than running away from it. After reading the last page of that book, I knew that I won't be the same again. And I guess I am not anymore. People who know Me for a while now, whether they are My co-stars or colleagues see a change in Me. A certain calmness and maturity which all find worth praising. And they all ask Me the same question. What brought this change in you Mahaakshay? Is it a girl? Is it love? And I simply answer, "Life happened to Me." You see, we don't plan to grow up. We just do. The same way we don't change our lives. Life changes us …

I sit here today, on My chair, at a quiet corner on the sets of My Film, where I am with My thoughts and I just wonder. I just wonder. As to what I was before and what I am today. They say, the first step of therapy is to be honest with yourself. So here I am, trying to make that happen. Finally accepting My faults and gracefully receiving My blessings. A thing I hope I finally succeed in. I have done some bad things in My life. Al though, I do agree that there are people out there who have done worse, I know, that I have done wrong. Some of them really deserved it while most of them, didn't. Whether it was Family, Friends or Lovers, I have hurt them all and a part of Me really enjoyed doing so. I don't know why I did but a part of Me never wanted to stop. Today, when I am finally at this juncture of My life, I have nothing but an emptiness left in Me for the things I have down. I guess I had it coming. We all deserve our due, not in heaven or hell but right here, on god's green earth, while we are still breathing. I know I will never be forgiven for My sins and the ones whom I have hurt will never forgive Me but whoever out there is reading this and those, who I have wronged, I want to say that I am sorry. I am truly, deeply sorry for the things that I did and I hope in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive Me. Before I move on in life, I have to first forgive Myself. And maybe, just maybe, this is that start …

I don't know where life will take Me. It brought Me this far, it will take Me further ahead too. But life is simply beautiful not because of the heaven it shows you from time to time but because it teaches you how to appreciate it. I am not a messiah, nor a prophet but one thing I do wanna tell everyone is to appreciate and be grateful. Trust Me, those things go a long way. And I mean a very long way! I know I am one of the bad apples but I am truly and divinely blessed to have this life! Every moment of it has either given Me something or taught Me something. And it is this life which has shown Me that it is the simple things in life that truly matter. Whether it is the bond I share with My father today or the friendship I share with bhushan, I find life that brings Me a certain joy from the last place I thought I would ever get. Today, I am maturing into the man I was always meant to be and now I know what is important to Me. I do miss special occasions, such as the Dance Performances of My Brother and Sister but I do know that I am here, Working, so that one day, I can give My Siblings what they want. That one day I can gift My Dad a Car, which will make him feel proud of Me. That one day, I can give My Mom that Vacation which will bring her utmost happiness. I want to do all those things and something tells Me that I will …

Some of you must have gotten really bored by now and some of you must think that the 12-steps to recovery is really doing it's affect on Me. But even now, when I am under the influence of My own revelations, I am still a fragment of the man that I was or maybe the man that I am always going to be. Long gone are the days when I used to hit on every girl and boost My ego. Long gone are the days when I thought that having flings and fun was the only essential part of life. But I was so wrong. Today, all those whom I knew have moved on and are with the people who treat them as the queens that they are meant to be. A part of Me laughs at Myself for the stupidity I did back in the day and that side of Me wants to disappear in the darkness. Wants to vanish without a trace and become lost in a place where there is no finding. But there is this other side to Me who wants to endure. Who wants to live through this truth My thoughts have made into a reality that no matter how hard I try and no matter whatever I do, I will always be alone not because the gods have cursed Me to it but because I choose to be so. My 'Greatness Calling' you can say. Before, these so-called 'self-pity' lines used to work like a charm on the opposite sex but today, it is what I believe in. Today, these words have meaning for Me and are a reason for a higher purpose. Today, I live by these virtues and it is these virtues which have showed Me the way to My inner being. To the 'Real' Truth. Call it My thirst for Power, My hatred for My piers or the Jealousy I possess for the success they have achieved, I am the way I am and I know that for a very long time, I am going to be this way. I guess this is the part of the plan as they say …

I don't know if My words made sense to you right now or if they crossed the message I wanted to say at the beginning of this blog. All I want to say is that the end of the world or even the thought of it has made Me realise many a things in My life. Some for which I want to find forgiveness and some for which I am truly blessed about it. Either way, if I survive D-Day I want to promise Myself that I want to be the better version of Myself, no matter what the sacrifice will be because sometimes in order to change the world, we must change ourselves …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these are My Somewhat Honest Confessions …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Rise …

Mahaakshay Chakraborty:Origins ...

It Is Not Death That A Man Should Fear, But He Should Fear Never Beginning To Live. - Marcus Aurelius

We all have our beginnings. And there is something unique about them. No matter how much we try to forgot them, they never go. They linger in our minds and come to us as flashes from time to time. I have been writing these blogs for quite sometime now and I had promised Myself that when I do start, I will, one blog at a time, reveal Myself to the world, who I actually am. You know know where I am headed. But sometimes to know the future or even the end, we must go back to the beginning. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is that story. The story of a Boy who now, is in the process of becoming a man. These are the origins of Mahaakshay Chakraborty …

Accept Everything About Yourself - I Mean Everything, You Are You And That Is The Beginning And The End - No Apologies, No Regrets. - Henry A. Kissinger.

We shifted to ooty when I was only 9 years old. Back then, I didn't understand why because all My Relatives and Friends were here in Mumbai. I was heart-broken most of the time as I used to miss them a lot. But as time rolled by I got accustomed to the beautiful, chilly weather of Ooty and as everyone else, I moved on and made new friends and found a new life there. Today, mostly, all of My School mates are either married or are in the process of getting married. Many of them are living the life they choose too while some still suffer from the inferiority complex. But none the less, those folks gave Me a hell of a lot of beautiful memories. And I cherish them even today. Whether it was being elected as Santa Claus for 2 consecutive years or whether it was all the boys trying to impress the girls when we just hit puberty, all My Memories of My School Days still bring a smile to My face. So to all of them, if you ever read this blog, the ones who loved Me and the ones who couldn't stand Me, thank you for that beautiful phase in which all of you played major parts. But My life turned drastically once we shifted to Coimbatore …

Begin At The Beginning And Go On Till You Come To The End; Then Stop. - Lewis Carroll.

There were many reasons why we shifted to Coimbatore. But I don't want to get into the details of that. All I can say is that, that place, every inch of that house, every day living there, changed something in Me. I recently visited all My properties down south. Whether it was The Monarch International School in Coimbatore, The Monarch Hotel in Ooty, The Monarch Safari Park in Masinagudi or The Monarch Mysore, I became nostalgic when I entered My home in Coimbatore. I mean, this is the place where it all began! Whether it was My Dieting or My Exercise. Or the first time I kissed and lost My virginity or even the first time I got a Movie offer. This house has been the foundation to it all and I can never, ever forget those memories. This was the place where I first learned to walk straight. Before I used to walk like a duck, with a hunch. I started sprinting and corrected My running here. My very 1st outing to the city was in Coimbatore. I remember My Mom had given Me Rs.500 as pocket money and for the very 1st time, I saw a Movie in an actual Public Movie Theatre!  I can go on and on of the things that I have done here. But the most important thing I found here was Unity. Unity of My entire Family. Today, living in Mumbai, we are still unbreakable. Sure, we all have different priorities today but all are One even today all because of the thick bond we have since our coimbatore days. Today, Coimbatore is growing rapidly but for Me, Coimbatore will always be the way it was when I used to live there. And even today, whenever I go there, it reminds Me of My Purpose. It reminds Me who I truly Am …

Let Every Dawn Be To You As The Beginning Of Life, And Every Setting Sun Be To You As Its Close. - John Ruskin.

I am a very moody person. Ask all the women whom I have dated and loved. The one thing that pushed them away from Me was My erratic behaviour. My uncertainties. My instant and drastic mood swings. Even today, I suffer from this problem. But I know that slowly slowly, these erratic behaviours  of Mine are getting subdued. But whenever I wanted clarity, I went up to the stars. To all those confused readers out there, please, let Me explain. We have a massive open terrace in Coimbatore and since we live in the remote outskirts of the city, the night sky is glittered with twinkled stars from the heavens above. This one night, a very long time ago, when My Family was in a place and time I don't want to remember, My Dad told Me, "Mahaakshay, go up to the Stars. Just lie down and be with them. Feel their positive energy. Hear their silence and ask them whatever you want. They listen. They always listen and they will give you what you want." Since that day, till today, whenever I visit coimbatore, I make sure that every night, I go up and talk to the stars. It is like tradition for Me. To pay homage to those great giant balls of gas who have been with Me for all of these years and still continue to do so. Till today, they haven't spoken to Me but trust Me, every time I have gone up there, I have come down with an answer. A Clarity. A Message. Their Silence speaks to Me more than the thousands of unwanted opinions I get everyday from people I actually don't care about. It is strange how life shows us the way. For some, it is through temples, churches and mosques. For Me, it is though a Date With The Stars …

In Every Phenomenon The Beginning Remains Always The Most Notable Moment. - Thomas Carlyle.

It has been more 6 years since we shifted back to Mumbai but whenever I go back to Coimbatore, it just feels like yesterday. Coimbatore will always be Home. It was always be the Place of My Beginnings, of My Origins. The boy who ran 5kms a day over there has gone now. Today, I know that I face a tough world. A world which has made Me a Selfish, self-centred, Cold Prick. But whenever I go back there, I am that boy again. That boy who was filled with innocence. I have done some terrible things in My life. I made many women cry over Me. Hurt people who didn't deserve and I know that even in the future circumstances will make Me do all those things again. But going back to Coimbatore. In that Peace, I believe that there is Redemption, even for guys like Me, who don't deserve it. I know how My end is going to play out for Me. But I know that through all the fights, hardships and struggles, I survived back then, just like the way, I am surviving now. And I know I will survive in the future too. So before I go, all I can say is that we all want to move ahead and I know that we all will. But sometimes in other to understand what the future holds for us, we must go back to our Beginnings ... To Our Origins ...

Truth Is The Beginning Of Every Good To The Gods, And Of Every Good To Man. - Plato.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And These Are My Origins.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Place Where I Belong ...

Our Greatest Pretences Are Built Up Not To Hide The Evil And The Ugly In Us, But Our Emptiness. The Hardest Thing To Hide Is Something That Is Not There. - Eric Hoffer

They say they understand. They all understand. They all say the same thing. And for all this time I just wanted them to understand. But they don't. Some try. They do. But they don't get it. Some don't even want to listen 'cause they are too busy in their own lives and wanna vent out their feelings. People are strange. And I am one of them. For a very long time I didn't understand. Why I was this way. But today, I do. I finally get it. The answers are coming to Me. Some come as blessings while some come as Punishments. But They do. Right now, typing these words, at 11:22pm in the night, after a long day of work at our Paparattzy Productions Office and then a brutal 60mins of Mma, I understand. Listening to Castle Of Glass from Linkin Park which is stuck on repeat, I understand. Being alone in this room while My brothers and sister watch their favourite tv shows, I understand. I understand this is not where I belong. For I now The Place That I Belong ... I know The Place That I Belong ...

 Take Me Down To The River Bend,
Take Me Down To The Fighting End,
Wash The Poison From Off My Skin,
Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

Time waits for none. And nothing is as permanent as change. People move on. People learn to forget. People learn to forgive. I am not saying that I have seen much of life. But being 28 years old, I think I have seen My share of experiences and I have tried to understand the life which came My way. I don't know even if this blog of Mine will actually convey the message I want to say. Or will it just be another entry. I have tried talking to My Friends and Family. About this, this Emptiness I feel. They all love Me, so they support Me. They say, "Don't worry, it is a phase, it will get over soon." Or "No more War Talks. You have had enough of those for a lifetime!". So I stopped asking them. I stopped expecting that they would understand. They don't. No one does. For only I know The Place Where I Belong. It is out there. Fighting. Surviving. Struggling. Sacrificing. Going through all that pain. Being in that constant madness where My body has broken many a times. Where I have no one but the reflection in the mirror. Where I am judged for everything that I do and where every action of Mine has a ripple affect. I belong to My War. I agree that My War doesn't have any blood or death but it has Me, Fighting. Always Fighting. My War, a place of Purpose. My War, a place of Worship. The Place Where I Belong ...

Fly Me Up On A Silver Wing,
Past The Black Where The Sirens Sing,
Warm Me Up In A Nova's Glow,
And Drop Me Down To The Dream Below ...

I have tried. Trust Me, I have tried. When I come back from My long outdoor schedules, I have tried to fit in. To adjust to the world I left behind. But I can't. I just can't connect anymore. Multiplexes don't excite Me anymore. Coffee Shops are not pit stops anymore. And the attention from Women doesn't tingle Me anymore. But I have tried. I have seen people holding hands and laughing. Couples kissing and hugging. Families celebrating. But I don't feel. I don't feel besides the emptiness ... besides the emptiness. Out there, I am alive. I am Me. Here, I am not even My shadow. The things that excited Me, don't matter to Me anymore. The things I thought were important for Me are not anymore. A part of Me thought that the world will wait for Me to come back but it has moved on. My Brothers and Sister have their friends now. The women whom I admired are now married. The friends I chatted constantly on bbm then, now have new phones. All have moved on now. So now, I have no place here. No one needs Me here. This is not where I belong. So I go ... I Go To The Place Where I Belong ...

Bring Me Home In A Blinding Dream,
Through The Secrets That I Have Seen,
Wash The Sorrow From Off My Skin,
And Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

But I wait ... I mean I have to wait. Like I have always waited. Until I hear the Call, I Wait and wait in Silence. But sometimes this silence turns into anger. There are many things Emptiness can do to a person. I guess it has just made Me A Bitter, Shallow, Dark, Lonely Creature who is waiting. While the world gossips, bitches, hates and spits, I wait. People don't understand. For some I am boring. For some I am ugly. For some I am the Devil and for some I am as good as dead. But they don't understand this emptiness. The don't understand How much I long for My War. People give advice. Yes, they all do. Even when not asked. They apparently wanna see Me 'happy'. They say 'love' is the way. Or 'chill bro'. 'Live a little.'. People and their opinions. They don't understand that I only long for War. The sound of 'Action' and 'Cut'. I only long for those gruelling hours on the sets when My legs die to rest but I still carry on and give that perfect shot. I long for that life which cuts Me away from everything else. From all loose ends. From all emotions. From all connections. I long for My War. I Long For The Place Where I Belong ...

'Cause I Am Only A Crack In This Castle Of Glass,
Hardly Anything There For You To See,
... For You To See ...

Some or all of you will hate Me. You will say, "You Ungrateful Prick! I am suffering here. People are dying out there. Kids are starving! And you are complaining! You deserve to burn in hell you rich-spoilt brat!" I know many of you will think this of Me. But I am beyond all of that. I am beyond temptation or lust or sex. I am beyond the dates and the dinners. I am beyond the parties. I am beyond them all for I feel only emptiness here, in this 'normal' world. So I pray to that God-Awful-Monster. I pray to Ares, I pray to them all to call Me back. Call Me back to My War. Call Me back to The Place Where I belong. I once, a very long time ago, thought I could had been normal. But it looks like I am not. I don't belong here. I never did. I never will. I guess people like Me are cursed and doomed by our own Greatness. I guess that is the price we pay. You may judge Me. You may hate Me. Do what you feel like because it doesn't matter to Me who you are and what I have done to you. I am here, waiting with My Back-Up. Waiting for the Call. Waiting for My War. A War that will one day destroy Me. But this War is what I call Home. This is The Place Where I Belong ...

If We Don't End War ... War Will End Us. - H. G. Wells

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Know Where I Belong ...

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.