Before The Year Ends ...

"The One Thing I Have Learnt From Life Besides Being Grateful Is To Stay Humble. And I Will Continue To Remain Humble, No Matter How Great A Height I Reach In The Future."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Hello my friends. Only a day left in 2013. I bet all of you are preparing for the new year eve's party in your cities and towns and I guess many of you have travelled vast distances to enjoy the global celebration in different countries. I wish you all the most happiness in this moment and I wish you all from the bottom of my heart the very best for 2014. I hope 2013 went they way you had planned and if it didn't, don't worry, you have a whole new year which awaits you. A year filled with hopes, dreams and possibilities. And whatever your New Year Resolutions are, I hope you make them come true as well 'cause remember, "I Will" Is More Powerful Than "I Can". And as for me, I will be in the gym and then home with the family. We aren't the outgoing types so that is why we will ordering take out and chilling together. I think maybe I will watch The Punisher and Punisher War Zone on dvd back to back. Let's see. But before that Gigantic Ball comes down in town square and before all the phone lines get jammed I thought I will write my last blog entry for the year 2013. I know I can't write every event that happened in this year but I can surely share with you all the moments that changed me 'cause after all, we aren't evolving if we aren't growing and becoming better human beings. So here it goes, the last entry of 2013, "Before The Year Ends" ...

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

-John Wooden

Time really flies in light speed and before you know it a whole year passes by. We go through so much in these 365 days but when the year comes to an end, it all feels like a blink of an eye. I know I have seen many ups and downs in this past year. And sometimes I also thought that this was my toughest, worst and darkest year yet. There were even times when I felt like quitting. I went through shitty mood swings and terrible days which were filled with tears, anger and frustration. But this blog won't exploit that area because no matter how many dreadful moments I faced this year, I know I went through many happy moments also. And one of my new year resolutions is to be more grateful and stick to being grateful no matter whatever I am going through. Trust me, the moment you trigger the 'Being Grateful' senses you actually start feeling better 'cause you start focusing on the things in your life which make you feel really very happy. And this year if there is one thing which really made me happy it was finding Rajendra Dhole, My Fitness Trainer since June 2013. I thank my mom for this. She persuaded me to be under a well renewed trainer and thanks to Nikki {My Saviour for more reasons than One} I met Raj sir and since I have been training with him, I am feeling like a better man. Every Training session with him is like a boon for me. I am getting better and stronger and I have seen remarkable changes in me in only 6 months, which I didn't see in me for the last 15 years! So yes, I thank my coach from the bottom of my heart for believing in me, guiding me, being my friend and brother and sticking besides me when he could had easily made me just a client. My coach made me a priority and I know I can never thank him enough for that. :-)

"Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble."

-John Madden

I am not a social guy. Sometimes I have even considered myself anti-social. But that doesn't put me in the cold and rude category. Trust me, I have met my share of those. I am actually a nice guy when you meet me. I mean, I will give you the respect you deserve and I will also exchange pleasantries with you but I knew that for a very long time I didn't cross the threshold from anti-social to social. But this year was a different story all together. I am very happy to say that I met wonderful people and also made some great friends. Amongst them Helius, Ashwini and Suraj sir stand out as the people I started interacting at the gym and in the process of time became friends with. We all share the same passion of body building and fitness and it always feels good to interact with these guys. Thanks buddies for being patient with me and considering me your friend. And my blog won't be complete if I don't tell you about Vineet and Pankaj. I met these two in the gym also. And now I consider them as my brothers. We may not meet every day but through whatsapp we share   our lives, pains, joys and dreams. Guys, I love you man and thank you for coming into my life. Trust me, with you guys in it, my life is brighter now and I know I can always rely on you guys to be there as you can always depend on me. You will always find a brother in me. It is so strange how one Hi here and a Hello there can form such great friendships. And I know in 2014 my friendships will only grow deeper. I may have done some nasty shit in my life time but when I see myself being blessed to meet such nice people, I really believe that someone up there in heaven really likes me. :-)

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory."

-Douglas MacArthur

A man can never be truly grateful if he isn't grateful about is family. Well me? I am blessed to have the best family on earth. I know we all cherish the ones we love but I also worship them. I don't know how I would had survived without the strength my Father gave me everyday, without the love my Mother showers onto me and the friendship and support my brothers and sister give me. When I count my blessings I count my family first. I am who I am today because of them. And I can do anything for them. But you know what? I am actually more blessed cause I have an extended family also. I have a brother in bhushan who has loved me even when I was silly and went away from him. Nathan, who is all the way in london and whom I still haven't met yet, loving like a younger brother and making me believe in myself when I didn't. And Nikki, the angel of my life, who has forgiven me and stood beside me when all left. I can never love you guys enough. You have shown what love really is and the more I know you all, the more I learn from you. The more I look at you all, the more I smile 'cause even in my darkest times, you guys have helped me to see the light and for that I am eternally grateful. I think 'being grateful' is an under statement for you guys. You guys are family for me. And just like Mom and Dad and My bros and Sis I love you all from the bottom of my heart 'cause after all if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't had learnt to love again. You guys have been patient. You were quiet when I yelled and stood tall when I was bitter. You are true examples of love and friendship. You still listen to my silly jokes, respond to my messages and are there for me whenever I need you. I am glad 2013 brought us closer and something tells me that 2014 will make our bond unbreakable. I know being a human being I am allowed to error but I promise to give it my best in 2014 and not to error again and yes, like you guys never left me, I promise I will never leave you also. We are family and family always sticks together. :-)

"Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble."

-Hugh Prather

I know by now most of you must be already dressed up for the parties you must be going too, so I won't take much more of your time I conclude this blog by writing this last paragraph and dedicating it to the moments which I have truly cherished in 2013. I had two releases this year. I created a decent fan following in west bengal and people here in mumbai have found some affection for me also. I went to pattaya to celebrate my younger brother's birthday. That one week with the boys was truly unforgettable and will be so for many more years to come. I made my Dad believe in me more by transforming myself in the gym everyday. I realised that god is within us and he always tells us to be humble and never to forget our roots no matter how high we soar. I learnt to survive. Through my darkest times, I somehow gathered my strength and decided to fight another day, every day. We got a beautiful apartment in andheri which I truly love. We brought new puppies who are now family to us. I visited south korea with my family and cherished every moment there. I redecorated my room here in madh. I let go of my past and the baggage it carried. I realised that I can't make everyone like me but I can surely help others find the hero within them. I have made many mistakes also in this year and I know I gave hurt to a lot of people. I still seek their forgiveness and promise to never go down that evil path again. And apart from Bodybuilding, My Love for Mma went sky high, all thanks to Sony Six and the Ufc Live Events. And the most important thing I learnt this year was to be myself. Many people loose themselves in the process to be liked by others but I am proud to say that I kept my ground and never lost my originality. There are many more things that I am grateful for but I guess these few beautiful moments top that list. So I take your leave and hope to see you in 2014. If you are reading this, you are a survivor, just like me. You are your own hero because you fought through whatever obstacles come your way. So I thank you all for being there for me and reading my blogs. I hope they helped you, the way they helped me. :-) :-) :-)

"The whole course of human history may depend on a change of heart in one solitary and even humble individual - for it is in the solitary mind and soul of the individual that the battle between good and evil is waged and ultimately won or lost."

-M. Scott Peck

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Is How Beautifully 2013 Came To An End For Me. :-)

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistic and self-complacent is erroneous; on the contrary it makes them, for the most part, humble, tolerant and kind."

-W. Somerset Maugham

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Ghost ...

"I Would Rather Be A Ghost And A Wanderer, Than A Shallow Of A Man Who Just Wants To Fit In."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Time: 09.25am

Location: Mumbai

Date: 04/12/13

"Revealing myself to the world, one blog at a time." That is my status quo for all these blogs. But I ask myself every time I write one of these, am I really doing that? 'Cause at one given moment, I have nearly a 1,000 thoughts in my head. And the most important question I ask myself is why do I write these blogs in pattern? I mean, why the quotes and then the pics and then the next paragraph? Shouldn't blogs be a random flow of thoughts? Isn't that true expressing? I may attempt randomness today so please accept my apologies if this blog doesn't make sense or if it is out of order. So here goes … I love waking up in the mornings in my new apartment. Ya, I love this place. I am a man of routine and discipline, so every morning after I brush my teeth, I make my bed, fill fresh water in my drinking bottles and make myself hot coffee. This happens every other day and trust me, I look forward to it. This is a new kind of freedom for me. Not to answer anyone or ask anyone for help. One of the proudest moments of my day comes when I know that I can do everything on my own. For me, that is true freedom. After a while I will change up and head to the gym. The gym is now my work place and just like everyone else, I show up there everyday. I was also thinking of joining gold's gym which is close to my new place. Like for morning cardio you know. Maybe I may go and visit some time soon. Let's see. In fact, there are more than 10 gyms located in the near by area but after 48 fitness I think gold's is the closest and most convenient for me. But that is a thought which can have an action later. Today, I look forward to my workout 'cause today is Chest Day. The pump on chest day is one of the best feelings I get. Even though my coach makes sure we hit every muscle fibre only in the chest area, the pump which flows in the body is something I love looking in the mirror. But since the last two days, I have taken a new approach to my training. I call it the Ghost Routine or rather should I say, the Ghost Outfit Routine. I think in every body builder's training there comes a point when he knows that he is changing but at the same time, he doesn't want to show his gains to anyone 'cause he knows that a time will come when he will remove his tee and the world will be in awe. Even though I am a few months away from doing that, I am right now wearing hoodies and hats and making sure that no one sees my gains except me and my coach. Why call it Ghost you ask? Well, I usually put on My Elevation Mask during cardio and people in the gym think I am Bane or someone 'cause they still don't know what it is I put on my face! So ya, people think I am some kind of a freak or something. Me? I just love calling myself Ghost …

"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on."

-Rabindranath Tagore

As you know I have been learning Mma since the last three years now. I have followed every UFC event and I am in love with the sport. But I know in reality terms, I live in country where Cricket is not only a sport, it is also a livelihood and means of everyday entertainment in every household. But I still wait for the day when Mma will be recognised for it's potential and trust me, when that happens I will be jumping with joy. I hope that day comes soon. But I am not here telling you about my feelings and aspirations towards the sport. They will always be there and one day it is my dream to meet Dana White and every UFC Fighter there is! I am right now talking about how I have been doing this for the last three years and now I want more of it. And this quest for 'more' has made me look for almost every fight centre here in mumbai. I googled and called I looked but to no avail I found what I was looking for. The Malad Gym, One Fitness, where I have been going to for the last three years has an inexperienced trainer who does the same routine everyday! And I am saying this in the literal sense! Same warm-up, same stretches, same punches, same kicks, every, single, day! And even though I hate him for that, the people who come there are also to be blamed. The majority of the people who come for training talk more and do less. Mourn even before starting their training and the men add insult to injury by quitting in the first 30 seconds! So ya, from my point of view, I really became desperate to look for something more intense. And the moment I was giving up that I won't find that, I came across XFF. Extreme Fight federation. I went to the Xff Gym yesterday which is located in bandra and trust me, the moment I entered it, I knew I was home! It was the place I was looking for! And to add more glitter to my gold, I had one of the best training sessions in a very very long time! Will I go again? Hell fucking yes I will! It doesn't matter to me how long it takes for me to reach there through the mumbai traffic, from this point on, I am gonna show up for those Mma Classes. 'Caue these trainers are bad-asses and spending one hour there is like running on the treadmill for 2 hours straight! And I know how much I love morning muscle soreness and after weeks or rather months I got that feeling when I woke up today! So yes, XFF is worth it. Anything for the love of the sport. Anything to be a Ghost. Why Ghost again you say? Well, ask Call Of Duty for that … :-)

"An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself."

-Charles Dickens

You know that Games have always been a major inspiration for me. Whether it is the Splinter Cell series or Battlefield or the ever amazing Call Of Duty series, video games have always helped de-stress me, motivate me to higher aspirations and believe it or not, they have also help solve the mind-blasting questions which pop up in my head from time to time! Whenever I tell someone that I am a gamer, they look at me with this weird expression and then they say the same thing over and over again, "Aren't you too old to play video games?" And I say na, I don't think so. I find them pretty cool. But in my head the actual answer is, "Hey asshole, you do know that grown ups make video games. Don't you? Or do you think toddlers made the Grand Theft Auto Series? Dumbass!" Well, I can't go into Super Saiyan mode and give the ultimate Kamahamehaa to those fucks but I can surely divert my mind to the task at hand, which is finishing the amazing Campaign of Call Of Duty Ghosts. It is one of the best campaigns ever, not only because of the amazing action and cut sequences but also because of the Code the Game carries. And that Code is Honour. Yup, honour. Does that word even exist today? I know back in the day it did. When Men fought for something and were willing to even die for that! Today, the meaning of honour is completely misused by religious fanatics who think that they are doing the work of god when god never wanted us to kill each other for a square inch of land! Today I look for the real honour and the few honourable men who actually stand up for what they believe in and who aren't afraid to show their true selves to the world. I know I am no saint but I think I have reached to that stage of my life where I can be honest and tell to whomever I meet that I am a monster and that I can't love anyone more than I love myself. For me, that is kind of an honour. At least, I am not like the two-faced people I encounter everyday. You know, they say words have power. And a person should stick to what they say but I have noticed that whenever people are hurt or affected, they forget their codes and words and values and become selfish human beings. They lose their temper, they make excuses, they become distant and in a way, show a side they have been hiding. I hate those kind of people. Me, on the other hand, I show the world that I am a monster. Even if that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life. At least I can die with honour. At least I know that I am standing for my virtues and values. Why do you think I train so much? Why do you think I have cut off from the world? Why do you think I don't go to malls or coffee shops now? It is because I rather choose to be a Ghost, a wanderer than to be the guy who tries to fit in and be like the people I hate.

"I've always felt that if you back down from a fear, the ghost of that fear never goes away. It diminishes people."

-Hugh Jackman

Ghost. Not an apt name for a guy who wants to woo billions now, is it? I know one day I won't have time for a private life but until that day comes, I am preparing myself in the Darkness. Until that day comes, I am becoming a Ghost. A Lost Forgotten Memory. I am doing this on purpose, even though, ever right now i have the choice to choose the opposite. You all must have seen Spider-Man 3, right? Well you know how Spidey feels all powerful when he gets the black suit. He feels invincible and somehow that Power takes over him. Of course, spidey being spidey gets rid of that badness and goes all goody-two-shoes again but I knew how it felt to have that power. To use all that power for my own happiness. But then within 48 hours I realised that this isn't the way I pictured myself. I know I am better than this. I am not the guy who goes out. I am not the guy who meets and mingles and goes clubbing. I am the guy who runs in the morning. Who trains for 6 hours a day. I am the guy who is focused and disciplined and for me, there are no Off Days. I am always fighting. I am not laid back and I am surely not the guy who lives for today. I always prepare for the greatness that awaits me tomorrow. So since that awakening of my senses I have decided that I will go dark and stay away from human contact. Take my word on this, it is not the enemy that defeats you, it is always the people who love you. They always let you down 'cause you expect them to always be there but they aren't. I take my enemy as a true friend because he and I are at least fighting for the same cause from two different view points. Even though I will defeat my enemy and burn him to the ground I will know that I fought a man who was who he was and didn't shy about it. Now you tell me, who would you rather choose to be? A Ghost and a Wanderer like me or a man who looses himself in the crowd? :-)

"God does guide the lives of individuals and does fill them with the Holy Ghost."

-Robert Duvall

There are many more thoughts running in my head right now. And to be honest I am writing this paragraph after an entire days of training. As I mentioned to you, it was Chest Day so ya, I had a great session. There were moments I was sloppy with the weights and I hated myself for it but I know I managed to kill and punish every fibre of my chest today. Hope coach will be proud. I ran for 30mins after that with my Elevation Mask and the acquaintances I meet didn't know whom they were waving too until they came up close. Trust me, the elevation mask does that. While I was working out, I was thinking that wouldn't it be cooler if I had a Call Of Duty Ghost Ski Mask On while I am training. That day, I will look like the Grim Reaper and it will also be symbolic since I am causing My muscles to bleed and die and be reborn a new. That thought is still active in my head. After a 2 hour rest period I headed for One Fitness were as every wednesday we did 'legs' for our Mma Session. I knew the routine so I made sure I helped others who are beginning to love Mma. So ya, in a nut shell, it was a good day. It will be 'Lights Out' for me in the next hour or so. It is right now 10:36pm though. And tomorrow I repeat the same cycle again. You may ask, why is it that I keep on doing the same thing again and again? Why is it that I don't have a social life? To be honest a childhood friend of mine invited me tonight for his birthday but I knew I didn't have the energy to go. I missed a friend's wedding on monday and I don't know if I can catch a movie with my gym buddy Vineet tomorrow. This path of training does require a lot of sacrifices and 90% of the time the outside world will hate you for that. But I know that this is who I am and Training defines Me. It makes me believe that one day I can have a Body Made Of Steel. For me, pain is my friend and the weights are my enemies. For me getting exhausted, with sweat dripping all over my face makes me believe that I am doing something right with my life. I still have many sins which god hasn't forgiven me for. I believe that through all the pain and anguish and struggle, I am somehow finding my own redemption. I just wish one day I find it.

"We glorify the Holy Ghost together with the Father and the Son, from the conviction that He is not separated from the Divine Nature; for that which is foreign by nature does not share in the same honours."

-Saint Basil

I was going through my old emails today and I found an email I sent to UFC Gym last year. They had given me a very positive reply and reading those conversations brought a smile to my face. Yes, I would like to tell you that I love Fitness. I love everything about it. I love Bodybuilding, Mma and Dieting. Very few in this world achieve a body like the gods. I really wanna be one of them very soon. What started out as an escape mechanism because of Fat Complex has now turned into an obsession with no end. And yes, my 1st love are the Movies. I love everything about them and I crave to be on the silver screen. But I know that it isn't my time yet and that is why I am focusing all my energy on the process of getting ready to be there. One has to be worthy. In the past, I wasn't. So I dedicate my every second to Training. I give it a name. I make it a person I talk too. And now I have consumed it. Once you go far down this road, you actually become a different person. Today, my life revolves around my training. There are pros to this and also the cons. The pros are that my family is happy with my progress and the con is that I grow more selfish everyday. Selfish because I only think about myself now. When my next meal is? … What are we training next? ...When do I get to Run more? So you see, I am nothing but selfish now 'cause I wanna improve, I wanna become better. I know the world doesn't run according to me. All have their own lives and responsibilities. So before they say No to me and hurt me, I distance myself from them. The greatest lesson you can teach people is the lesson of avoidance. If people really care they will find a way to know what is wrong or if they don't give a damn, they won't. Try it sometime. In my case, I have stopped giving a fuck. I write in my diary everyday and it is one of the best stress busters for me plus it helps me deal with my emotions. So yes, at the conclusion of this blog, I can proudly say I am now a Ghost and given a choice I would love to be a Ghost as long as I can. Society is afraid of Ghosts. They think they are supernatural entities who wander the earth for vengeance. I believe Ghosts are nothing to be afraid off 'cause once you become one, you see others as monsters and the more you wander, the more you see that in this beautiful, lush, green world, it is us humans who are seeking constant vengeance from mother earth. So Ghost or Human? Make your choice. I know I made mine.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am One Of The Ghosts.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Wanderer ...

"A Wanderer Always Seeks. And the World Is His Playground. In Order To Find The Answers This Wanderer Seeks. And He Must Embark On A Journey. A Journey Far Away From Love, Friendship And Family."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Mahaakshay's Journal. I guess I call it my journal for a reason. It is a vent to how I feel. Before it was all about the world knowing me more better but now it is just me writing my story. I have been told many a times to take a chill pill. To go out and enjoy and even not be self-centred in my entries. I am sorry if I haven't been up to the expectations of my readers, if there are any. And yes, I watch the news everyday. In fact, every morning, that is the first thing I do. I keep tabs on the world. But right now, I know I don't have the power to change anything. Just the hope that things will automatically become better in this beautiful planet we live in. I won't be posting this blog anywhere except the one tweet on twitter I do every time I finish one of these entries. So let's see if my words do echo through each of you. For the record I am not being negative and nor am I sad. Recent revelations in my life have suddenly made me realise more things about myself that I didn't know before. So ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Today I tell you why I declare myself as The Wanderer …

"I am a wanderer passionately in love with life."

-Aleksandr Kuprin

I have done many a things in my life. And to what I recall, most of them have been terrible things. Things which have only caused pain to others. I sometimes do feel that I have cleaned up my act and the past is way behind me but somehow it always creeps ups to me and reminds me of the horrors that I have done. And maybe that is why I am still being Punished. It has been more than 8 years and I am still waiting. Waiting for the light to shine on me. But as I told you earlier, those recent revelations have made me realise that this is all my doing and no one is to blame but me. I am the carrier of my own sins. I am the cause for my own misery and fate will make sure to remind me everyday that all that I have done is let the ones who have loved me down. I have failed them and no matter what I do, I have to always carry this burden with me. This weight on my shoulders. This curse. This living nightmare. So … what does a man like me do? Does he break down or does he accept his short-comings? I think I have somehow accepted my fate, that no matter what I do, the hollowness within me will never fill up. It doesn't matter if I go to pattaya with the boys for 5 days or I go to special gatherings or parties. Somehow, when I look in the mirror, I still see the monster I once was. And that monster laughs at me, taunts me and makes me realise that is he still winning. But now, where I am today in life, I have come to understand that people like me can only do one thing. Rather people like me only have one choice. We start Wandering. We wander and become wanderers not to heal our wounds but to find the answers. Answers only fate can answer us.

"The lonely wanderer, who watches by the seashore the waves that roll between him and his home, talks of cruel facts, material barriers that, just because they are material, and not ideal, shall be the irresistible foes of his longing heart."

-Josiah Royce

I was watching UFC 167 the other day and before the GSP Vs Hendricks main event they were showing the preview for UFC 168 which will be Chris Weidman Vs Anderson Silva Part II. During those clips, I see a shot of Chris Weidman, entering the octagon. That shot came and went within a second but it struck me. It struck me hard 'cause I saw his eyes! I saw the passion and hunger he had to be the 1st guy in years to beat the great Anderson Silva and that is what he exactly did! He beat the champ! But do you know why that sight still comes as flashes to me? 'Cause that is the same look I have. And I have it 24/7. When I am taking a dump or making my hair or when I see my reflection. Those eyes … those eyes are full of hunger. And pure anger. And those eyes have pain. A certain blackness and darkness. Those eyes of mine … they show me what I seek. And all I seek now is the way. Not the glory or the rewards or the power. Just the way. The way to my salvation. To the end of my misery. The way that will finally show me the light. The way that will finally set me free. You see, after a point of time, after all the screams and the mood swings and the cries alone in bed, you become quiet. You become quiet 'cause there is nothing left. You are just hollow and even though that may scare the shit out of you, it is who you are and what fate has made you. They say, No One Can Fight Fate. I totally agree with that but I also do believe that if Fate can make me go through this wait it can also show me the way. It isn't like I haven't tried to ask the answers before. Trust me, I have tried. I have tried the normal way. The fit-in way. The living-the-moment and taking-a-chill-pill-way. But all those roads have always brought me back here. And that is why now I pack my bags and go on this journey. A journey of a wanderer which I must embark alone.

"The World Is A Book. And Those Who Do Not Travel, Read Only A Page."

-St. Augutine

Well, when I say that I am packing my bags, I am not leaving on a jet plane to the himalayas or a monastery. Al though one day, I would love to explore the world, this journey which I take as a wanderer is within me. The journey to the very depths of my soul where I know my answers are waiting for me. Now you ask me, how will I make this journey. Well, a man who has been angry all his life first starts there, where his anger lies. So I start fighting. I fight every day and every night. I train and drown myself in the pain and soreness those barbell curls bring. I run like a mad man on the treadmill when the world is deep in sleep. I endure the cuts and bruises which come from a good sparring session. I do all this because it some how sets me free. It sets the anger free and makes me feel I am one step closer to the answers. I cut myself away from the world. I stop sharing my feelings with my loved ones. I program myself to become a machine because I seek. I seek the truth. I seek the answers and a part of me has always been convinced that the only way I will ever be able to see the light, is by accepting the darkness within me. By being alone even though I maybe in a crowd. By letting go of the things that I desire. By cutting of all the strings that make me weak. By drowning myself in my small little world where I am by myself. If you meet me today and if you look closely, you will only see emptiness in me. Emptiness which comes after the thousand of screams and cries which we were left unanswered. Today I am a wanderer because I choose to be this way. And I have told every man and woman who has come close to me that one day I will leave. That one day, fate will call upon me and I will leave, leaving all love, friendship and ties behind. 'Cause the truth is, I belong out there. Out there in the wast lonely road where in every sun set even my shadow leaves me and goes away. I belong to that journey. A journey that will never end. If this scares you, imagine what it does to me …

"Is There Something We Have Forgotten? Some Precious Thing We Have Lost, Wandering In Strange Lands?"

-Arna Bontemps

So if you ask me, this is what I will answer and describe a wanderer to be. A man who has the courage to leave all that means to him behind and embark on a journey which he doesn't know where it will take him. But the wanderer walks. He just keeps on walking. He sees the world as it is. He sees men and women fall in love. He sees the world celebrate festival and rejoice ceremonies. He sees people killing each other for reasons beyond god's will. He sees the moon and the glitter of the stars and brightness of the sun. But he walks, leaving all ties behind. And no matter how much that kills him, he walks. He walks in search for the answers that he seeks. So if any of you are out there, who are just like me, I hope we meet soon. I hope we share our stories. I hope someday your answers are also found, that someday the pain goes away and god finally gives you a second chance. I am a wanderer because I need to fix myself. I need to lighten this burden. I want to be a success, not live life as a failure. I want to laugh and celebrate and enjoy. But I know that until that day comes I will wander. I will search and I will seek. Yes, I know the what this means … the ones who hate me will rejoice and the one who love me will not understand. They will not understand why I fight. Why I want to be free. Why I want this wait to get over. If god is listening, I really hope he finally cuts me some slack. But until that day comes, I will fight. I will pursue my dreams and I will see the monster in the mirror. I will face my fate. I will carry this burden. I will go on in spite of the hate in me. I will make my curse my strength. I will not stop because somewhere out there, beyond the lines of good and bad, beyond the boundaries of fate and destiny, my answers are waiting for me.

"Perhaps If You Look Long Enough, For An Intent Eye, There Maybe A Piece Of A Star Wandering In The Sky."

-Alamgir Hashmi

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am A Wanderer …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Darkest Night ...

"It Is Always Darkest Before Dawn."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We all fight. And I have realised that we all have too. I know my blogs have mainly only been about fighting but to be honest, that is what I have been doing since the last 8 years. And even right now, I am fighting. A year ago my fight was for vengeance but today I am fighting for hope. For now I know I am facing The Darkest Night. Do you know what the darkest night is? It is the night which decides your future. It decides whether you will fight back or be lost in the darkness. It is the night which is filled with fear and doubt. The night filled with horrors and nightmares. This night has come many a times in the past. It has come the day before The Allied Invasion over Germany during World War II. It has come when the Towers fell. It has come when every kid prepares for his board exams. And in my instance, it has come before the friday when my film is about to release. The Darkest Night is also the longest night of your life for you feel trapped in eternity. You feel all alone and like the walls are closing down on you. When nothing feels right. And your inner demons come out to play. This night is one night I pray no one faces. But this night also comes as a sign. That the hell we are in will end soon. If we somehow survive and fight back, we will see the rays of the sun. We will see the light. We will triumph. The Longest Night is a curse for many but a blessing for only the few …

"When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance."

-Joel Osteen

I am a Leo. So that means a part of me is very proud and won't admit to my defeats. But life is such, it moulds you and makes you the way it wants you to be. I remember when I started preparing to enter into films, my intentions were completely different and now when I think of them, they were very childish. But as time went by my notions and ambitions began to change and before I knew it I became the ego maniacal bastard who only thought of himself. I started hurting others for my selfish motives and in time I became the devil's favourite son. But now, after all the hell and struggle and hardship, I have become humble or at least started to become humble. I somehow still feel that I haven't found my redemption and I am still being Punished for my sins. But that is just one of the many angles I look at my life now. Today, my life is filled with fear and doubt. But even through this despair, I have a will. A will to keep on fighting. To never stop. To fight and fight and fight and never stop fighting. Believe it or not, even the astrologers will say that these are my darkest times but even after knowing that I have this will to fight back. I am a huge believer in fate and I know that everything happens for a reason and maybe that is why I am going through these trials. Trials, which define a man and his legacy. How strong or weak he is. How much he can take the pain and still push further. Maybe that is why I am now Facing This Night. 

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I am not writing this blog for your sympathy. And neither I am in a self-pity mode. I am writing this blog to you to tell you that I am a survivor. I know there are many people out there who are fighting more tougher battles than me. Maybe the skinny kid in school is always getting bullied. Maybe a lady is fighting cancer. Or someone who is facing heart break. I know I can't relate to your pain but trust me folks, I know what pain is. I know what it does to you. I know how it changes you. You feel disconnected. You loose hope. And you stop talking to god because you think he is only punishing you. But now I know that isn't the case. We are his children and we all should have faith. Faith grows when there is no one who believes in you. It grows when you are alone out there running the tracks. It grows when the world laughs at you and you smile back with humility. It grows when all have given up on you but you still believe in yourself. You see faith is a very powerful thing. It makes You stronger. It gives you hope that in the end everything is going to be alright. That no matter whatever hell you are going through, in the end you will be greeted into heaven. Take this from me. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to have fear and doubt and be scared. Even when I face this darkest night, I have faith that this won't last forever. I may cry, I may stumble and I may even fall. But I will get up again and fight for my dreams. I will never quit. Even through this darkest night, I know I will stay undefeated.

"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."

-Helen Keller

I know 8 years is a long time. And a weaker man would had quit. But I know I can't. This night makes me see my demons. This night tells me to hate again. It shows me a reality Im not ready to face. This Night isn't for the ordinary. Only the ones who have greatly sinned and those who will overcome all obstacles can face this night. I face this night every moment. In fact, this night has always been around me like a shadow. Trust me, you don't wanna know the things I have gone through. The lowest level I have fallen or the humiliation I have faced. This night is meant to break you. This night is the last and most toughest degree of punishment god inflicts on man for his sins. I have known many who have packed their bags and left. Who have chosen other paths. Who have settled for the ordinary. Who have redeemed their sins without facing this night. But I know I am not one of them. I know what all I have done. The good and the bad. And I know what all I have to also go through. And at this very moment, I am going through my own trials. I am going through my punishment. I am being branded my god as the one who has done his share of bad but now is here redeeming his soul. It's like feeling a hot metal rod burning through your skin every second. It hurts like hell. But I know this is needed. For I am meant for greater things and to reach greater heights I have to go through this hell. I have to face The Darkest Night.

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."

-Voltaire

So my friends, this is me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. I am just a regular joe, just like you. I feel the same pain you feel. I face my demons and fight my battles, just like you and one day when I overcome all of this and look back, I know I will see you all in my journey also. I will thank you all for somehow, some way, you have believed in me. And when I meet you, I will look into your eyes and I will see the struggles you have been through to come this far. All the humiliation, all the hardships, all the losses, all the despairs, I will see them all and just smile because you and me both will know, that we made it. We survived. We survived the darkest night. We overcome all the odds and believed. Even when no one believed in us, we believed in ourselves and fought for our dreams. We sacrificed. We resisted and we didn't give in. In the end, that is all that matters 'cause pain only makes you stronger. Even right now, when I feel there is no Hope in my life, I have My Faith. And I have a lot of fight left in me. And I am still a believer that in the end, everything is going to be alright. I know one day this wait will end. And I will be ready for my opportunities. I will be ready to face the world. One day I know I will be loved by billions. And until that day comes, I know I will never stop fighting. Even when my body breaks, I will go to the gym, I will push my limits and cross through barriers that before were seen as impossibilities. I will survive this darkest night. I will survive this hell. And one day I will enter the light. One day I will finally be forgiven by god. One day I will make my parents proud. One day I will stand tall as the man who never gave up. So my friends, have faith and believe that it is only darkest before dawn. I promise you, very soon that dawn will come. Very soon your life will be filled happiness. Very soon, you will see the light. Fight back my friends. Never quit. It is at times like these when our faith is truly tested. Never settle for the ordinary. History has been written by men and women who endured hardships. By people who survived The Darkest Night. So believe in yourselves … As I will always believe in you. 

"This Blog Is Dedicated To All Those Brave Warriors Out There Fighting The Fight. I Salute You And Something Tells Me We Shall Meet Very Soon." :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am Now Surviving The Darkest Night. I Hope You Do Too.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"God will never give you anything you can't handle, so don't stress."

-Kelly Clarkson

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The Soul Connect ...

"A True Warrior Is He Who Learns To Suppress His Emotions And Has The Ability To Use All His Power To Excel Himself. The Warrior Should Be Prepared To Give The Ultimate Sacrifice. The Warrior Should Know That His Actions Will Either Give Him Recognition Or A Silent Death.  "

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We are human beings. There is nothing alien about us. But no matter how different our finger prints are, we have a lot in common. And the most common thing we share our feelings and emotions. Although our situations may be different we all feel joy and pain. We all experience success and failures. But in my 29 years of being the resident of earth, I have come to realise that beyond love and hate and hope and despair, we beings seek for a Connect. Whether that Connect is with God or with the person standing next to us. We want to feel a Connection. A pull. Or an Attraction. There are 7 billion people on this planet but in our life time we only connect with a handful of human beings. But as we mature and become wiser each day, we understand that it is not just human beings that make us feel connected. We start to feel connections with the things that we do. Or the books we read. Or the places we travel. So this is Me, writing in this blog. About My Connects and My Dis-Connects. But before I begin that, let me take you with me to a small journey. To a place called Seoul, where I discovered many things about culture, heritage, respect and War ...

"Each Warrior wants to leave the mark of his will, his signature, on important acts he touches. This is not the voice of ego but of the human spirit, rising up and declaring that it has something to contribute to the solution of the hardest problems, no matter how vexing!"

-Pat Riley

Once in every 6 months me and my family plan a short trip to a country where we haven't visited. This time we chose South Korea. What can I say about the trip? I enjoyed every moment of being there in Seoul. To be honest at first, I was hesitant to go there but once we reached, we loved the city and it's people. I must say South Koreans are very kind and gentle and above all very helpful. They went out of the way to help us with instructions and every day we visited a historical or tourist spot. The city was very well-maintained and all it's residents respected the law very much and that is why there was such order there. The palace in seoul was amazing and so was the local food. I am very happy that I managed to train there even though everyday went in either shopping or travelling. I can say, I somehow survived the break and the holiday food. That this trip was a boon for me. I somehow connected with myself more over there and found out that I always had the will. It was only my fear that was holding me back. And because I trained and dieted I was also rewarded there. I visited the only Mma Store there and got some cool Mma Gear and to top that I met The Korean Zombie! He is a world famous UFC Fighter and he was very humble and kind when I went to meet him. He in fact waited 30mins for me and showed me around his gym and told me to come and train with him the next time I visit Seoul! Now how cool is that? Plus I visited Gangnam where the Famous Gangnam Style song was inspired from. But beyond the Mma Tees and Gangnam Style was the moment when we visited the DMZ area of South Korea. It was breath-taking at the same time heart-breaking 'cause of all the horrors what happened during the Korean War during the 1950's. It was a brutal war which took the lives of 6 million people! During the tour we happened to even see a small video of the war and trust me it was very disturbing. But once I got back to the hotel room and I was analysing that tour when something hit me. Like a moment of revelation. Do you know what it was? It was the knowing that I am War. Yes. I. Am. War. That even when I am in a family holiday half way across the world, I am reminded by mother earth and the powers above that I am a Product Of War and I will always be this War Junkie who will never have enough of it. And at that moment my connection with the powers that be grew more stronger 'cause after all in the end, it is that connect that gives us meaning ...

"There are no contests in the Art of Peace. A true warrior is invincible because he or she contests with nothing. Defeat means to defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within."

-Morihei Ueshiba

I am a Leo. We Leos have known to be emotional people. It is not because we are weak. It is because we trust blindly and we give ourselves completely to the ones we surrender too. This sometimes is a big pay off and sometimes a huge mistake. I have been a victim of this many a times. But now I have realised that in order for me not to get hurt I have to do the one thing for which the world will hate me for. I have to become the bad and cold guy who pushes people away. I have always wanted to feel the soul connect. The feeling of completion and call me old-school but I believe when two sould connect, whether for love or friendship, they automatically, through their souls know how each other feels. I mean, you don't have to beg for their attention or tell them your problems for them to help you. Sadly, I tried feeling this feeling with people many a times but every time I have been the one who has felt unloved or mis-understood. But I am not here to bitch or complain. I am here to explain to you that we humans were meant to be imperfect 'cause in the end, if we are set loose we would literally burn this world. My brother told me a beautiful thing. He told me, we humans were born monsters and that is why are tamed to become civilised. I understood that the hard way and through all the successes and failures of my life, I have finally accepted who I am. I am look like an oak from the outside but from inside I am mellow as jelly. I fight everyday and punch and kick but a single unnoticed thing from a loved one breaks my heart. From the outside I may smile but from inside I know I am broken. So? What does a broken man do? How does he find his connect? Where does he go? Does he seek prayers from god? Or acknowledgement from the devil? 

"To achieve the mood of a warrior is not a simple matter. It is a revolution. To regard the lion and the water rats and our fellow men as equals is a magnificent act of a warrior's spirit. It takes power to do that."

-Carlos Castaneda

If I was in such a situation a couple of years ago, I would had given to anger and hate. But things are different now. I have learnt to make my anger my fuel. And my pain my strength. Today, I don't crib or cry or go into self-pity mode. Today I fight. For today I have realised that I have a power in me. A Warrior in me. Today I live by a code. Today I remind myself that I am stronger than I was yesterday. Yes, there are days when the shit hits the fan and there are days when I feel miserable, lonely and defeated. But during these trial times I don't self-induldge myself in pizzas or chocolates. I go to the Gym and Train. I pick up the weights and dominate the machines. I use all my aggression there and at the of those 3 hours long workouts I feel a whole lot better. Today I use my energy for self-improvement, not for self-distruction. Today I find my connect in Weights and Punching Bags than I do with people. Today My Soul-Connect is with My Training and preparation. Today, I find a connection with the soreness I feel the next day after a huge Dead-Lifts Day. Today, I know I am more connected to the War within me than to the peace people may or may not give me. Today, I have learnt to suppress my emotions. Today, I have learnt to do things which I thought impossible for me a while back. And it is not because of the Will in Me. It is because of the Soul-Connect I have with these things.

"There is something of the warrior in me."

-Lech Walesa

As I mentioned earlier, I now only feel a connect with War. It is not only because in some twisted kind of a sick way, my war gives me peace, it is because I love it so much! But war does come with consequences. It takes away the part of you which makes you human. it eats it up and then leaves  you being a monster who is hungry for more and more. Whether it is my training everyday with my coach or the Mma classes I go for, I know I want more. I wanna be submerged in training because those gruelling hours of blood, sweat and tears make me forget my reality and trust me, my reality is scary as fuck! But even when my body is broken, my mind says keep pushing! And then again push harder! But what do you do that even when you are there, in the gym, dominating those weights, there isn't a single soul in there who gets you? What do you do when you enter your Mma class and see men quit within 30 seconds of training? You go looking for more, 'cause even when the body has been long been broken, the mind is still strong and it is always looking for a fight. That is why I wanna train throughout the day. And train until I drop. I wanna go to America and be a member of the Ufc Gym in Los Angeles. I wanna be a part of LA Boxing which deals with Mma. I wanna do the Spartan Race. I wanna be called a Tough Mudder. Trust me, once you give in to this connect to War, the Beast within in you only gets hungrier. And now, the beast within me is very hungry. I may have failed connecting with people. Whether it was my expectations from them or whether it was my old-school thinking that love shouldn't be less than madness, I now I can't connect with another soul anymore. But there is Hope. There is always Hope. Even for Monsters like Me. And until that day comes, when I will excel in Fitness and Fighting, I will never stop, no matter what the cost. So before I go, I ask you this, what is Your Soul-Connect? Is it a Person? Or the Dumbbell in the Gym?

"I'm different, and I have to be a warrior to be that way. But I have had some success; I hope I have touched the lives of some wonderful people, all by being what I see as myself but some others people see as different."

-Johnny Weir

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and now you know My Soul Connect.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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