"I Would Rather Be A Ghost And A Wanderer, Than A Shallow Of A Man Who Just Wants To Fit In."
-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
Time: 09.25am
Location: Mumbai
Date: 04/12/13
"Revealing myself to the world, one blog at a time." That is my status quo for all these blogs. But I ask myself every time I write one of these, am I really doing that? 'Cause at one given moment, I have nearly a 1,000 thoughts in my head. And the most important question I ask myself is why do I write these blogs in pattern? I mean, why the quotes and then the pics and then the next paragraph? Shouldn't blogs be a random flow of thoughts? Isn't that true expressing? I may attempt randomness today so please accept my apologies if this blog doesn't make sense or if it is out of order. So here goes … I love waking up in the mornings in my new apartment. Ya, I love this place. I am a man of routine and discipline, so every morning after I brush my teeth, I make my bed, fill fresh water in my drinking bottles and make myself hot coffee. This happens every other day and trust me, I look forward to it. This is a new kind of freedom for me. Not to answer anyone or ask anyone for help. One of the proudest moments of my day comes when I know that I can do everything on my own. For me, that is true freedom. After a while I will change up and head to the gym. The gym is now my work place and just like everyone else, I show up there everyday. I was also thinking of joining gold's gym which is close to my new place. Like for morning cardio you know. Maybe I may go and visit some time soon. Let's see. In fact, there are more than 10 gyms located in the near by area but after 48 fitness I think gold's is the closest and most convenient for me. But that is a thought which can have an action later. Today, I look forward to my workout 'cause today is Chest Day. The pump on chest day is one of the best feelings I get. Even though my coach makes sure we hit every muscle fibre only in the chest area, the pump which flows in the body is something I love looking in the mirror. But since the last two days, I have taken a new approach to my training. I call it the Ghost Routine or rather should I say, the Ghost Outfit Routine. I think in every body builder's training there comes a point when he knows that he is changing but at the same time, he doesn't want to show his gains to anyone 'cause he knows that a time will come when he will remove his tee and the world will be in awe. Even though I am a few months away from doing that, I am right now wearing hoodies and hats and making sure that no one sees my gains except me and my coach. Why call it Ghost you ask? Well, I usually put on My Elevation Mask during cardio and people in the gym think I am Bane or someone 'cause they still don't know what it is I put on my face! So ya, people think I am some kind of a freak or something. Me? I just love calling myself Ghost …
"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on."
As you know I have been learning Mma since the last three years now. I have followed every UFC event and I am in love with the sport. But I know in reality terms, I live in country where Cricket is not only a sport, it is also a livelihood and means of everyday entertainment in every household. But I still wait for the day when Mma will be recognised for it's potential and trust me, when that happens I will be jumping with joy. I hope that day comes soon. But I am not here telling you about my feelings and aspirations towards the sport. They will always be there and one day it is my dream to meet Dana White and every UFC Fighter there is! I am right now talking about how I have been doing this for the last three years and now I want more of it. And this quest for 'more' has made me look for almost every fight centre here in mumbai. I googled and called I looked but to no avail I found what I was looking for. The Malad Gym, One Fitness, where I have been going to for the last three years has an inexperienced trainer who does the same routine everyday! And I am saying this in the literal sense! Same warm-up, same stretches, same punches, same kicks, every, single, day! And even though I hate him for that, the people who come there are also to be blamed. The majority of the people who come for training talk more and do less. Mourn even before starting their training and the men add insult to injury by quitting in the first 30 seconds! So ya, from my point of view, I really became desperate to look for something more intense. And the moment I was giving up that I won't find that, I came across XFF. Extreme Fight federation. I went to the Xff Gym yesterday which is located in bandra and trust me, the moment I entered it, I knew I was home! It was the place I was looking for! And to add more glitter to my gold, I had one of the best training sessions in a very very long time! Will I go again? Hell fucking yes I will! It doesn't matter to me how long it takes for me to reach there through the mumbai traffic, from this point on, I am gonna show up for those Mma Classes. 'Caue these trainers are bad-asses and spending one hour there is like running on the treadmill for 2 hours straight! And I know how much I love morning muscle soreness and after weeks or rather months I got that feeling when I woke up today! So yes, XFF is worth it. Anything for the love of the sport. Anything to be a Ghost. Why Ghost again you say? Well, ask Call Of Duty for that … :-)
"An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself."
You know that Games have always been a major inspiration for me. Whether it is the Splinter Cell series or Battlefield or the ever amazing Call Of Duty series, video games have always helped de-stress me, motivate me to higher aspirations and believe it or not, they have also help solve the mind-blasting questions which pop up in my head from time to time! Whenever I tell someone that I am a gamer, they look at me with this weird expression and then they say the same thing over and over again, "Aren't you too old to play video games?" And I say na, I don't think so. I find them pretty cool. But in my head the actual answer is, "Hey asshole, you do know that grown ups make video games. Don't you? Or do you think toddlers made the Grand Theft Auto Series? Dumbass!" Well, I can't go into Super Saiyan mode and give the ultimate Kamahamehaa to those fucks but I can surely divert my mind to the task at hand, which is finishing the amazing Campaign of Call Of Duty Ghosts. It is one of the best campaigns ever, not only because of the amazing action and cut sequences but also because of the Code the Game carries. And that Code is Honour. Yup, honour. Does that word even exist today? I know back in the day it did. When Men fought for something and were willing to even die for that! Today, the meaning of honour is completely misused by religious fanatics who think that they are doing the work of god when god never wanted us to kill each other for a square inch of land! Today I look for the real honour and the few honourable men who actually stand up for what they believe in and who aren't afraid to show their true selves to the world. I know I am no saint but I think I have reached to that stage of my life where I can be honest and tell to whomever I meet that I am a monster and that I can't love anyone more than I love myself. For me, that is kind of an honour. At least, I am not like the two-faced people I encounter everyday. You know, they say words have power. And a person should stick to what they say but I have noticed that whenever people are hurt or affected, they forget their codes and words and values and become selfish human beings. They lose their temper, they make excuses, they become distant and in a way, show a side they have been hiding. I hate those kind of people. Me, on the other hand, I show the world that I am a monster. Even if that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life. At least I can die with honour. At least I know that I am standing for my virtues and values. Why do you think I train so much? Why do you think I have cut off from the world? Why do you think I don't go to malls or coffee shops now? It is because I rather choose to be a Ghost, a wanderer than to be the guy who tries to fit in and be like the people I hate.
"I've always felt that if you back down from a fear, the ghost of that fear never goes away. It diminishes people."
Ghost. Not an apt name for a guy who wants to woo billions now, is it? I know one day I won't have time for a private life but until that day comes, I am preparing myself in the Darkness. Until that day comes, I am becoming a Ghost. A Lost Forgotten Memory. I am doing this on purpose, even though, ever right now i have the choice to choose the opposite. You all must have seen Spider-Man 3, right? Well you know how Spidey feels all powerful when he gets the black suit. He feels invincible and somehow that Power takes over him. Of course, spidey being spidey gets rid of that badness and goes all goody-two-shoes again but I knew how it felt to have that power. To use all that power for my own happiness. But then within 48 hours I realised that this isn't the way I pictured myself. I know I am better than this. I am not the guy who goes out. I am not the guy who meets and mingles and goes clubbing. I am the guy who runs in the morning. Who trains for 6 hours a day. I am the guy who is focused and disciplined and for me, there are no Off Days. I am always fighting. I am not laid back and I am surely not the guy who lives for today. I always prepare for the greatness that awaits me tomorrow. So since that awakening of my senses I have decided that I will go dark and stay away from human contact. Take my word on this, it is not the enemy that defeats you, it is always the people who love you. They always let you down 'cause you expect them to always be there but they aren't. I take my enemy as a true friend because he and I are at least fighting for the same cause from two different view points. Even though I will defeat my enemy and burn him to the ground I will know that I fought a man who was who he was and didn't shy about it. Now you tell me, who would you rather choose to be? A Ghost and a Wanderer like me or a man who looses himself in the crowd? :-)
"God does guide the lives of individuals and does fill them with the Holy Ghost."
There are many more thoughts running in my head right now. And to be honest I am writing this paragraph after an entire days of training. As I mentioned to you, it was Chest Day so ya, I had a great session. There were moments I was sloppy with the weights and I hated myself for it but I know I managed to kill and punish every fibre of my chest today. Hope coach will be proud. I ran for 30mins after that with my Elevation Mask and the acquaintances I meet didn't know whom they were waving too until they came up close. Trust me, the elevation mask does that. While I was working out, I was thinking that wouldn't it be cooler if I had a Call Of Duty Ghost Ski Mask On while I am training. That day, I will look like the Grim Reaper and it will also be symbolic since I am causing My muscles to bleed and die and be reborn a new. That thought is still active in my head. After a 2 hour rest period I headed for One Fitness were as every wednesday we did 'legs' for our Mma Session. I knew the routine so I made sure I helped others who are beginning to love Mma. So ya, in a nut shell, it was a good day. It will be 'Lights Out' for me in the next hour or so. It is right now 10:36pm though. And tomorrow I repeat the same cycle again. You may ask, why is it that I keep on doing the same thing again and again? Why is it that I don't have a social life? To be honest a childhood friend of mine invited me tonight for his birthday but I knew I didn't have the energy to go. I missed a friend's wedding on monday and I don't know if I can catch a movie with my gym buddy Vineet tomorrow. This path of training does require a lot of sacrifices and 90% of the time the outside world will hate you for that. But I know that this is who I am and Training defines Me. It makes me believe that one day I can have a Body Made Of Steel. For me, pain is my friend and the weights are my enemies. For me getting exhausted, with sweat dripping all over my face makes me believe that I am doing something right with my life. I still have many sins which god hasn't forgiven me for. I believe that through all the pain and anguish and struggle, I am somehow finding my own redemption. I just wish one day I find it.
"We glorify the Holy Ghost together with the Father and the Son, from the conviction that He is not separated from the Divine Nature; for that which is foreign by nature does not share in the same honours."
I was going through my old emails today and I found an email I sent to UFC Gym last year. They had given me a very positive reply and reading those conversations brought a smile to my face. Yes, I would like to tell you that I love Fitness. I love everything about it. I love Bodybuilding, Mma and Dieting. Very few in this world achieve a body like the gods. I really wanna be one of them very soon. What started out as an escape mechanism because of Fat Complex has now turned into an obsession with no end. And yes, my 1st love are the Movies. I love everything about them and I crave to be on the silver screen. But I know that it isn't my time yet and that is why I am focusing all my energy on the process of getting ready to be there. One has to be worthy. In the past, I wasn't. So I dedicate my every second to Training. I give it a name. I make it a person I talk too. And now I have consumed it. Once you go far down this road, you actually become a different person. Today, my life revolves around my training. There are pros to this and also the cons. The pros are that my family is happy with my progress and the con is that I grow more selfish everyday. Selfish because I only think about myself now. When my next meal is? … What are we training next? ...When do I get to Run more? So you see, I am nothing but selfish now 'cause I wanna improve, I wanna become better. I know the world doesn't run according to me. All have their own lives and responsibilities. So before they say No to me and hurt me, I distance myself from them. The greatest lesson you can teach people is the lesson of avoidance. If people really care they will find a way to know what is wrong or if they don't give a damn, they won't. Try it sometime. In my case, I have stopped giving a fuck. I write in my diary everyday and it is one of the best stress busters for me plus it helps me deal with my emotions. So yes, at the conclusion of this blog, I can proudly say I am now a Ghost and given a choice I would love to be a Ghost as long as I can. Society is afraid of Ghosts. They think they are supernatural entities who wander the earth for vengeance. I believe Ghosts are nothing to be afraid off 'cause once you become one, you see others as monsters and the more you wander, the more you see that in this beautiful, lush, green world, it is us humans who are seeking constant vengeance from mother earth. So Ghost or Human? Make your choice. I know I made mine.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am One Of The Ghosts.
With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
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