Nothingness ...

“We think we control our fates. That is, in a way a good thing. But sooner or later, when we do face our destinies, we realise that the seeds of our journeys, were sowed in the soil, the very moment we came into existence.”

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

Being here in coimbatore brings back a lot of memories. The good and the bad. But I choose to remember all the good ones ‘cause they make me smile. My maid, Kala Akka still makes lovely coffee and the Parathas and Mysurpa still taste amazing and make my mouth water with the thought of eating them over and over again. Al though there is no 3G in the area we live, I relish the 10pm meet I have with the stars every night that I am here. I go up to the terrace, look up at the beautiful night sky and talk to the stars. My dad taught me this custom and I do it every time I come here. All the posters from my room have been removed but one Punisher Poster still stands tall. I think it is a like a sign or a signal from the universe reminded me and telling me that no matter what happens, I should always stay the course. The course I set out to make true nearly 9 years ago. So what does this mean? What does it signify? Well, before I answer all those questions i must state out the fact that, this is the longest I have stayed away from writing my blog entries. I guess this is my 1st ever official writers block. I guess there is a first time for everything. For all those who waited for my entries, I apologise to you. But I am happy to be back and I am happy to say that I have realised that if you write once, you will write forever. :-)

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

-Socrates

We are only two months away from Comic Con and me and my sister have already started to make plans for our costumes. Hopefully we will be there for all the three days and our friends have told us that they will be coming for it as well. I am certainly looking forward to it and what makes me more happier is the fact that my pic and costume from last year has been officially selected for the Comic Con home page. It is such an honour for me. Why you may ask is this cultural phenomenon so important for me while for others it is a place for boys who never learnt to grow up? Well the answer to that is that in 2005, when I was 1st introduced to The Punisher, I never knew that one day I would dress up as him and appear at Comic con. With the comments and appreciation I got for it, I knew I payed my homage to the man who saved me all those years ago. But I also must say that when I had made all those promises to The Punisher back in 2005, I wasn’t loyal to many of them. No matter how hard it is for me to say this, I knew I was a hypocrite for a very, very long time. I kept on lying to myself and I kept on deceiving my very own soul for the mere temporary happiness and pleasures of life. But now, when I am at this very important crossroads of my life, where, very soon, I would have the answers I have asked destiny to give me, I know I have become the man I had promised Frank Castle all those years ago. Today, when I see that Poster shining bright on the wall, I can proudly say that after all these years which were filled with lies and deception, I have finally come to my own truth. I have finally become Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude."

-Thomas Jefferson

I just finished reading two very amazing and gripping books. One was ‘I Hunt Killers’ and the other was ‘The Snowman’. Both were based on serial killers and both in their own way kept me hooked on to them till the very end. I should thank Goodreads and my bro for suggesting me those books. And now, in fact, just today I started reading this book called Fives And Twenty Fives, which I picked up from the airport. And once I am done with that, I will start reading American Sniper. Both again are books based on War. War … I know I have used that word more than a 1,000 times already in my blogs and if you come to know me more, I am the guy who is obsessed with war and fighting. I know this doesn’t count much but recently me and my friends went to play Paint Ball and again, for the second time in a row, me and my team won under my captainship. I know it is nothing like actual war where instead of paint balls real bullets are coming your way, but nonetheless I really enjoyed the entire experience. You can say it was my version of Fantasy Football or maybe my own live-action Call Of Duty moment. Whatever it was, I somehow felt very calm in the conflict. I felt fearless and ready for battle. And even though I stumbled and fell and bled, I was pumped up with adrenaline, than shaking with fear. And guess what? I am all ready for Round Three. I guess I am a War Junkie. Well, for now, a Paint Ball Junkie. :-)

"You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, 'Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.' See the positive in negative events."

-Joel Osteen

What is nothingness? Is it a feeling? Or a state? Or a sense of being? To be honest I don’t know what it is exactly. But what I do now is that it is a state where I am right now. Have you ever felt it? Have you ever felt nothing? No love or hate. No good or evil. No joy or sorrow. Have you ever felt it? I am feeling it right now. Or maybe what I should say right now is that I am NOT feeling it. And this is a state in which I always wanted to be in. Since 2005, I always wanted to know how it would feel like to feel nothing. Just like Frank has felt. A state of nothingness. A sense of having complete control over your emotions. A sense of power over yourself. Today I am feeling this or maybe a part of me has felt it for a very long time now. But does this nothingness make me a bad person? A monster? A sinister being? Most people think it does. I don’t. I feel it is good to feel nothing. And sometimes it is better to feel nothing than to feel sad and cry and turn weak. I used to be like that you know. Weak and little and puny. I always thought i wasn’t but the truth is, I was always in a constant need of care, love, attention and affection. But now, at this crossroads in my life, where I am waiting for my answers, I don’t feel anything. I just stand here and wait. I wait and I observe. I take in the stillness of this emptiness. I consume the nothingness and make it my power. I see my reflection in the mirror to see a sign of something. Something human. But no, I don’t see it. I see a man with no soul. With no feelings. And when that realisation arises within me I don’t get scared or angry. i just stand there, staring at myself. No, I am not going crazy. I can say, I am evolving. Evolving into the Mahaakshay Chakraborty I had sought out to be all the way back in 2005.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

-George Bernard Shaw

So what is writer’s block? I am kinda feeling bad that I had this block. But maybe when you are in a state of nothingness you don’t feel that shitty about it. Right now, ‘Diamond Eyes’ is playing on my playlist. I remember every word from this song and this song certainly comes in the top 100 of my all-time-greats. I don’t know what it is with me and action that I connect so deeply with it. Whether it was the other day playing paint ball and standing tall even when the balls were piercing through my skin or whether it was me playing Ryse:Son Of Rome and slaying all my enemies with those amazing execution kills, Me and Action have a Soul Connection. Maybe being here, in the outskirts, in the house where I stayed all those years ago, the place which was the birth place of the real Mahaakshay Chakraborty, I ask myself the questions I always wanted but afraid to hear the answers too. And the one question which tops that list has always been, “Who Am I?” … So who am I? Do you know who I am? Do anyone of you have the answer to that question? Nope, I guess not. But maybe I do. You see, since the awakening of 2005 I have been trying to understand myself. And to this date what I have understood is that I am a War Junkie and I flourish in competition and success is my destination. Whether when I was only 8 years old and tried to beat everyone in cricket or whether it was the other day in go-karting when I beat my friend right at the end of the race, I know and I am convinced that I am a guy who loves fighting. No wonder I feel home when I am in the gym and when I practice Mma and no wonder everyone wants to take me out in paint ball ‘cause they know that I love pain and I dwell on it. 

"I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening."

-Larry King

So what does a man do besides waiting in this nothingness? Well, I don’t know what the other nothing-individuals must be doing but what I am doing is learning. Yes. Learning and Observing and Asking the Questions. People say that an empty mind is the devil’s workshop and in order to keep those thoughts away, one must always stay busy in activities. And that is what I do. I read. I write. I blog. I watch Tv Shows and Films. I play Video Games and I spend time with myself. You see, we should first be best friends with ourselves and only then can we make others our friends. Writing this blog and paragraph right now, I know I am only with my thoughts. And for me, that is a good thing. I never knew that I would come to this junction of my life even though, all those years ago in 2005, I wanted to be this guy. As they say, we can either choose to do the popular thing and be loved by all or we can choose to do the right thing and be left misunderstood. I would want to do the right things in my life. Well, at least the things that I feel are right for me. And that is why I will return to the gym soon. That is why I will diet. That is why I will find a way to do Mma again. That is why I will still hear my favourite rock songs and get pumped. And that is why there is still a fire in me. After 8 years of struggling and waiting and facing rejection, that fire still burns in me. And now, it burns brighter than ever, ‘cause the voices in my head still tell me to hold on. They still tell me to fight. They still me to never give up. And that is what I do. I will make steel taste skin. I will make blood feel like sweat and I will get up again. No matter how many times I have fallen down, I will get up again. The famous fighter in the ring can have the crowd on his side but what amazes the famous fighter is not that the guy he just tried to knock down got up again. What amazes him is that even after receiving the beating of his life, his opponent has got the Heart of a Champion and his Opponent refuses to Give Up. So you see, a man can evolve in this nothingness ‘cause only when you are empty from within can you fill yourself with the power that will one day define you.

"I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing."

-Socrates

‘Fives And Twenty-Fives’. I am so happy I bought that book. I know, I know. I have already mentioned about the book above but the more I am reading it, I am feeling a deeper connect with it. I still ask myself that question, that why is it that I have this deep connection with War ?!? Till now, I haven’t gotten that answer. But I know it is a spiritual connection. Like today I was reading this chapter in the book in which the Marines are going from one city to another and on the way, they have to always stop in case they feel there is an IED threat further ahead. For all of you that don’t know what IED means, it is the short form for Improvised Explosive Device. And in the chapter when the author was explaining the entire scenario with the Marines suddenly set in action by the insurgents and bomb threats, I was feeling like I was there with them. And instead of panic I was feeling a sense of calm. Like a sense of belonging. And I was happy there, with them. I don’t know how to explain this euphoria to you but as I said, this is who I am and I am defined by my fight. Maybe one day people may take me up as an example and say that we get inspired from Mahaakshay ‘cause he taught us to never give up. Maybe. I don’t know. But I really wanted to write this down. This soul connect I feel. And I know this won’t be the last time I will write about it either. I guess feeling nothing and being nothingness does have it’s advantages. :-)

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

-William Shakespeare

I feel there is nothing wrong in this nothingness. You just wait and let the world move forward. Before I used to think that this wait is like a curse set on me. But now, my opinion has changed. I am seeing the pros in this wait. Sure the world is moving ahead and boys who I consider my juniors are progressing more in their lives than I am. And all my peers are either settling abroad or are getting married. And even though this may seem like I am trapped in an oblivion of darkness and uncertainty, I am enjoying the Nothingness I am in ‘cause I am getting to do the things i won’t be able to do when I will start getting busy. Like for example I am loving the new hair cut I got and the way I style my hair every day before I step out and also the way I make my beard like Tony Stark. I am loving the way I casually dress up and I am also so truly grateful for the moments I spend with friends and family. And to top that, one of my favourite time zones during this wait in this nothingness is when I play my Video games. Whether it is the Playstation 4 or the Xbox One, those times with the remote control in my hand and the Dolby Digital Sound blasting the roof off, are the times I cherish the most. And you know what? In this Nothingness I have also picked up watching some great new shows on Tv! So you see, there is also a positive in every thing. All we have to do is find it. :-)

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

-Marie Curie

I find this Nothingness as a great sign. As a positive signal from the universe. The reason I am here, in this nothingness is because I know I have to start fresh. I know I have to make things right. I know through all my ordeals, through all the horrible mistakes I have made and the people I have hurt and the joys I may have given to the few, I know I have to be here, in this nothingness, to start over, to begin anew, to make myself better and evolve into the good and into the man I was destined to be. Sitting here and writing this final paragraph in this very long blog, I know the change has come. And I am glad it has come. And in order for things and people to change they have to be alone. They have to be with themselves and realise and see the change in themselves. And that is what I am doing. This is my remedy. This is also my Punishment and this is also my Redemption. Here, in this place, I know I have everyone. I know I have love and care and concern of others. But I know that the journey which I promised to take all those years ago in 2005 has actually begun now. I know I have many miles to go before I sleep. I know that this place is where I belong now. And even though I know that I am not lonely, I know I have to be alone. For the greater good. For the people in my life and for myself. So I thank you all for reading this blog and the blogs I have written before this and the ones I will write after. Thank you for bearing me and trying to know the man I am. And my dear and near ones, I thank you all for the love you have given me. I thank you all for forgiving me and sticking by my side when no one else was there. Thank you for being the way you are. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. :-)

"Nothing will work unless you do."

-Maya Angelou

And as for me .. Well, I will be here in this nothingness as long as it is required for me to be so. I will be here and listen to the silence within. I will be here and ask the right questions and wait for the right answers. I will be alone and find the fire and will in me to make my flesh grind with iron. To rise up before the sun and make the roads my own. To look myself in the mirror and see the monsters go away. To feel the calm and become the best of friends with myself. I will be here in this nothingness and make it home. I will be here and finally become one … with The Universe.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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