“And I will create Men. Not one, but in the billions and trillions. I will make them my finest creation. But I know out of all these men, most will be corrupted by temptation. Some will be weakened by emotions and others will be destroyed by wrath. And I - The Creator knows that all men will be dogs and some will be wolves and only few will Triumph as Lions. But I wait for that one man, that one mortal who will have the power to sacrifice it all, to become something more than just a man. To become … a Legend.”
-The Book Of Prophecies
So where do I begin? Do I start from the very beginning? Or do I tell you what I am feeling now? To be honest, it is a little bit of both. I am right now, sitting on my sofa, at 12:15am in the morning at the eve of the Music Launch of my film Ishqedarriyaan and I can feel a whirlwind of emotions right now. Emotions, which I have always felt when the release of my film has neared. But even though I am feeling a thousand emotions per second, there is this stillness in me. A Still and calmness which has come from the conflicts I have fought over the years. Like a cool ocean breeze touching the my face. Like the first ray of the sun proclaiming the beginning of a brand new beautiful day. Yes, I do feel the calm. I do feel the stillness. I always look back you know. I always look back from where I began, to where I am going and I must say, it has been a beautiful 30 years for me. I have made several mistakes and also learnt a lot of lessons. Today, I am at the crossroads of my own being and whatever I choose from this point on, will surely shape the rest of my destiny. So what is my story? Haven’t all my blogs over the years already told enough? I say, not really. Al though, all my blogs have been a reflection of my feelings and my soul, I have always kept a part of me to myself. But I believe now is the time that I tell you what my story truly is …
"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion."
Ishqedarriyaan is 3 weeks away. The number 3 has always been a part of my life. Al though I don’t believe in numerology, I do believe that the number 3 is connected to me as I was born on the 30th. This film has been a beautiful journey for me. I am deeply grateful to the entire team of Ishqedarriyaan for giving me such wonderful memories. We laughed, we dined, we shared and we worked together as a family. I know we have made a good film and come 15th of may I hope all of you feel the same as well. I am giving the promotions my 100% and I am making sure I leave no stone unturned, ‘cause on the 15th, I want to be contended with myself that as a man I gave this film my heart and soul. Films have always fascinated me. Even when I was a child watching King Kong V/S Godzilla on Vhs or watching Speed on the Laser Disc I was always in love with cinema. Who knew that the boyhood dream would one day come true for me and I would be in front of the camera showcasing my talents and entertaining the world. But this road hasn’t been easy. But I can tell you, it is only ‘cause of this journey that I have come so far. Today, my struggles have made me the man I am today. Today, I thank my struggles, ‘cause if it weren’t for them, I would never know what failure and rejection felt like. It was only ‘cause of those struggles that I fight and grinned and came this far. Today, I know I am humble and kind ‘cause I know that everyone out there is fighting his/her own battles. We all have dreams which we want to fulfil. I truly thank the universe for making the man that I am today. For making me strong and caring and reminding me that it is more important to be a good human being than to be anything else.
"Men are like lions. We hunt."
But all that I am saying right now can always be viewed in my interviews on youtube. So what is it that I am trying to say? Well, since I promised you that I will tell you the entire story, it was necessary for you to know where I am before I told you from where I began. And it all began when I first saw the Trailer of The Punisher on yahoo movies. It can be called as an act of randomness or the stroke of fate. But that one Trailer, changed my life. It was from that point on that I was in love with The Punisher and now it has been 10 years that I am still his biggest fan. I believe it was his ideologies and the way he was that connected with me the most. I was very lonely and angry back then and Frank Castle was the only one who saved me. I used to drown myself in his films and games and comics. I even started training like him! The Punisher and me still have that connection and I still remember the promises I made to him all those years ago. I know I may sound border line crazy right now, but trust me when you want a connect, the universe offers it to you. And since that day I have always tried to keep those promises to Frank. And after frank, also came many others. But Hulk, Ghost Rider, Wolverine and Daredevil were always the favourites for me. I know I should be touching Stan Lee’s Feet right now and one day, if I get the opportunity I will but these superheroes had a lot of commonality with me and that is why I considered them family. Slowly slowly my entire life started revolving around these amazing men and the way they were brave and courageous and as each passing day went, I kept on promising them that one day I would make them all proud. But it has taken me 10 years to keep those promises. Something that I am not proud of but as they say, better late than never.
"I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in HISTORY
has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory."
I have made so many mistakes. And I have stumbled so many times. I have caused pain and I have done things which I thought were ok but in fact weren’t. I do agree that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but the guilt within me was with me for as long as I can remember. Saying sorry wouldn’t had cut it and would definitely not make me enter the gates of heaven. But now, after all the mistakes and wrong deeds, I can say I am more aware. And I have reached to an understanding that from this point on I will never repeat the mistakes of the past. All those promises I made to Frank and the others were all void ‘cause I was a hypocrite. I did everything what I was not supposed to do. And believe it or not, in all these 10 years I, like a fool believed that I was on the right path. Trust me, it has taken me a long time to realise that I was very wrong in my thinking. But now, as I mentioned earlier, I have reached a calmness only because I know that my soul is getting cleansed everyday. That everyday I promise myself that I will never hurt anyone again. That I will stand for what is right and use my power for the good of mankind. But even when I know that come 15th may would be judgement day for me, I remember all those promises like it was just yesterday. Promises Mahaakshay gave to his superheroes. Those heroes who were there for him when no one else was. Those dreams of travelling the world, living life on your own terms, just riding towards the sunset, those dreams are still alive within me. And I know that until I make them come true my soul will always wander. Wander until it reaches its resting place.
"There is something really mysterious about lions. They could rip you apart if they wanted to, but at the same time they LOOK so cuddly. Can you imagine what humans look like to animals? They must think we're so weird."
But I am also human at the end. Am I not? I also have feelings and I really want to love and care and devote myself to the people I cherish. I want to wake up to the bliss and happiness of being loved and giving love in return. It took me a long time to ask for forgiveness and to forgive myself but now I know that I am in the journey of my own redemption. I know today I have responsibilities and today I have reached a place where I can’t be a boy anymore. I know am in the process of becoming a man. And that man, who does hard labour and grinds and gives and sacrifices also wants to be rewarded. And that is why from time to time I try to show care and affection. And it really works. It makes me happy and blushes me up. It makes me feel that I too can be like everybody else. That I too can have normal dreams and moments. But then, as night comes and when I am alone with my thoughts, I get reminded of those promises. When I see The Punisher’s poster on my wall, I instantly remember what I promised him. When I see Daredevil and read Ghost Rider, I am reminded of all those moments I have had with them. I remember everything. And then it hits me. That I was once a dog. I did become a wolf. But now, I have to transform into the Lion.
"It's better to BE a lion for a day than a sheep all your life."
Greatness requires sacrifice. It demands our blood, sweat and tears and also the wager of our soul. And yes, even though a part of me wants to feel love and be loved and just be normal, the other side of me wants to be alone. For me, or the other side of me being alone is being powerful. A part of me is convinced that only when I am truly alone that I can attain the greatness I have set out to achieve. That is the promise I gave to Frank all those years ago. That I would be just like him. That I would live a life of greatness by sacrificing all that is in front of me, ‘cause if he can do it, then so can I. I know I sound like a confused spirit right now but the truth is, this conflict has always been a part of my life. Just like Johnny Blaze goes through in the Ghost Rider series. I have this constant struggle with my thoughts. That if one side of me gets weak through emotions, the other side of me reminds me how strong I can be. And now, at this threshold of my life, I need to be strong. I need to be powerful and be ready for whatever is in stored for me on the 15th of May. I know I will never go dark again and I will never use hate as my weapon. But I also know even though I feel love, a part of me will always feel the urge to be alone.
"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep."
So is this the culmination of my story? Is this how it ends? Or is this how it begins? I believe I have only actually started now. It has taken me 10 years of trials to come this far and I know there is no going back now. There is only going forward towards the horizon where my destiny will show me the path I need to take. So I hoped you liked knowing this side of my life also. I will be back with another blog very soon and maybe I may also bump into you someday and that day I want to feel contented with myself ‘cause I know I have been honest here. I have tried to make you understand what Mahaakshay is all about. I am a boy turning into a man. But no matter where I go from this point on, I know I have promises to keep. I know I have things to do and people to prove and battles to win. I thank all those heroes who remind me of my promises and I thank all the people in my life who remind me that even I can love. This battle between two minds is my struggle and it is a part of me. Maybe one day this struggle will end. Maybe it will take a new route. But all I know is that I have promises to keep and I won’t stop until I fulfil them.
"The one excellent thing that can be learned from a lion is that whatever a man intends doing should be done by him with a whole-hearted and strenuous effort."
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
And This Is My Story.
With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
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