Past. Present. Future.

“Humans will error. They will make mistakes. And they will be savage beasts. It is in their nature. But the reason this book was written was because one day, one mortal out of the billions will be truly worthy of reading it’s pages. For he will know what he must do next in his life. For he will be chosen for a task greater than any man can endure. And when he realises his own true potential, he will be free and therefore will be called as The One.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

We are only few days away from the release of my Ishqedarriyaan. Come 29th I will know what Fate has in stored for me. The wait of more than 2 years will be decided just a few days from now. But right now, sitting at my couch, during this sunday evening, all by myself, I can’t help but take a look back into my life and see from where I have come to where I am going. Yesterday, I began to replay Call Of Duty World At War on the Xbox 360. I was looking for that game for a while now and I was delighted to have found it. Al though I am very much in love with the game, it was the year it came out that intrigued and made me think of my past. It was 2008. Nearly 7 years ago. And when I saw that year flashing on the screen, I was automatically transported back to that moment when I first started playing that game. And that is what got me thinking and analysing my life and of course the Road So Far. Maybe that is why it was important for me to see where I was, where I am and where I am going and it was also important for me to share all that with you. So let me try to review my life in full in the coming paragraphs and I hope that I do justice to it also. 

"But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep?"

-James Thurber

The Past:

Just a few days ago I was having a discussion with my brother about life and everything in it. And when we were chatting I told him that, “I don’t know why people say that they never want to grow up or that they wished they were children again. I love growing up! I believe growing up is an amazing feeling and I never want to be a child again.” I know why I said all that. It is because whenever I look back into the past, I only see a kid who was screwed up. I know we all have to go through our own journeys but whenever I look back, I only laugh and curse at myself. I mean the things that I did and the way I was, well, they were wrong and unjust and I deserved everything that came my way.I know I can’t undo the past and neither I can right my wrongs but I can surely never make those mistakes again. Of course I feel guilty. Of course I feel terrible. I was selfish and self-centred and the only person I cared and loved was myself. It was wrong and even back then I had a choice. I had a choice to leave people alone or become like them and mould myself according to society. But my childishness and arrogance never allowed me. There are times when I sit alone and repent the things that I have done. I was a hypocrite to believe that my actions were somehow righteous while all they were doing was hurting and harming everyone around me. My brother tells me that we all go through these ordeals in life and it is only these ordeals that carve out the best in us. I agree with him ‘cause today I do know the difference between the wrong and the right. But the past sometimes still haunts me. A part of me is glad it does and a part of me wants it to leave me alone. I guess this is the burden that I am meant to carry always. I don’t know how much I have grown as a man over the years but I do know that now, the choices are more clearer in front of me. Today, before I do anything I always wager the Pros and Cons and then act practically towards the situation. Maybe challenges do carve out the best in men. But even back then, during the most toughest times of my life I always knew what I wanted to do. I do agree that my approach may not have been that appealing but it was always the way I wanted to go. Maybe the reason to fight and become better was the only thing that was right in my life back then and maybe that is the only thing that took me away from the evil in me and showed me the light.

"Oblivion is the rule and fame the exception, of humanity."

-Antoine Rivarol

The Present:

I guess I don’t have to break down the present so much. You know where I am and what I am going through. My film releases on the 29th and every moment which brings me closer to it just terrifies me more and more. But this isn’t the fear of what people may say or not say or about the box office results. This fear is about the oblivious. The going-into-unknown-territory fear. I really don’t know how I will be come May 29th. When people meet and greet me today, they see the smile and the laughter and the confidence which every actor must show. But underneath all that is pure fear and insecurity. You see, I am human just like you and I am going through all those emotions also. I have friends and family and loved ones. People who are there to support me and give me their best wishes. But the thing is they aren’t going through what I am going through. Of course I can’t blame them for that ‘cause this has been my journey and they can’t fathom to realise how much is at stake for me come May 29th. I truly appreciate all the support and love that I am getting but you know just because someone is giving you their love and their understanding doesn’t make them right. I have said this before and I am saying this again, society is the mother root of all evils. I agree that humans are savage beasts and we need someone to tell us where to go and what to do but the problem is that society and appearances have only made us more hollow from inside. When I started out on this journey, I knew I would face trails and tribulations. And today, on the verge of the biggest moment of my life all I want is to be left alone. Yes, you heard me, I want to be left alone. I’ve realised that people are there for you only until they are comfortable being there for you. At times like these, I only remember what the Joker told Batman in The Dark Knight. “The only reason these people support you now is ‘cause they need you. Once you have done your so-called righteous duty, they will cast you out. They will make you the villain. These so-called ‘civilised’ people are only as good as they want to be ‘cause when the chips are down, they will turn on each other. I will show you that one day.” Those words echo in my ears overtime I see a close one defending themselves ‘cause they believe that they are right. It is sad to see people once you loved turn into monsters when you thought you were the monster all along.

"Since fame is an illusion and death is in our future all we have is the next moment before we are swallowed into oblivion."

-Al Goldstein

I know I have my weak moments. Moments when I just want to unwind and be normal and forget about the pressures. I always thought that ‘Love’ was the answer to it all. But I was wrong. Today, Love comes with an instructional manual and people will love you only if they think it is right to do so and even if they do, they expect you to be the way they want you to be. Giving love and being understandable doesn’t always mean that you are right. And a while back, I knew I would need friends and people that I could count on during this challenging period of my life but as the challenges grew stronger, I started to realise that I didn’t need anyone at all. Remember I told you that I love growing up? Well maybe, this is a sign of growing up. That we have to face our challenges head on and that when we truly face our obstacles on our own, we realise that we never needed anyone to begin with. I have come to realise that and even though this choice will make me alone, I am proud to say that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need love or friendship or care. All I need is myself. A mother who met in the train, when I was going to Surat to promote my film asked me that how can I choose to be alone? Doesn’t it get lonely? And I told her that when you are in love with the company of yourself, you never need anyone. And that is what I have become today. A man who just loves his own company. I really don’t know why people don’t get that. Well, again, maybe it’s because they must have known my story but they haven’t lived it. They don’t know that I am complete only when I am truly alone. I wish I could make people understand that. You know those people who are more concerned about society than themselves? Well, anyways, I hope this blog somehow gives that message to them. Trust me, I do get angry. I do get angry when things don’t go my way. But as Batman said, “We can choose to be better than our basic instincts.” And that is what I do now. The one thing the Past has taught is me that no matter how much love and adoration you get from the people, always remember to stay humble. And no matter how much you are tempted to fly, remember that you can’t and those artificial wings will one day break and you will come crashing to the ground. Today, I am very happy with the way the film’s soundtrack has been appreciated and come 29th, I hope people like the film also. But has this journey affected me in any way? Have I again become the pompous, self-centred prick I was back in the day? The answer is, No. No, I am never going back to that evil again. Today, even when I am tempted to become cocky or over-confident, I come back home, talk to myself, relax my thoughts and feelings and remind myself that temptation and love and adoration will not change me for the worse but will rather make me a better human being. 

"Time's stern tide, with cold Oblivion's wave, Shall soon dissolve each fair, each fading charm."

-Anna Seward

The Future:

No one has the answer to this. I mean who amongst you can tell me what is in stored for me? No one. Right? Well, astrologers can so-called ‘Predict’ but we all know that not all predictions come true. We all are the instruments of our own fate and all we can do is what we can in our circumstances. As I had mentioned earlier I don’t know how I will be on the 29th. I think the best thing to do will be to shut off  all emotions and feelings and expectations and imagine it to be just another day. But I also know that by running away from what is stored for me won’t make anything easier. I have to face the things that will come my way and not just on the 29th but for the rest of my life as well. That is why I am making a new plan. Whether it is increasing the level of my training or learning a new fight form in Mma or reading a new book or taking up a new course online. I know that life will move on and I will have to move on with it. As a student of Astronomy I believe that we all are a part pf the giant universe and that the universe has a divine plan for me and it will only make me come closer to my greatness. But I also know that I just can’t sit around and wait for that to happen. I will have to get up and get back to fighting again, the thing I love most in this world. I was watching Ufc today and when Chris Weidman knocked out Vitor Belfort, a part of me felt alive, just the way I feel whenever I train at the gym or punching during my Mma classes. I know my calling is different than most people in this world and one day that siren will play for me and when it does, I will be ready. But now, looking into the near future, I know what I have to do. I have to train. And I have to self-improve. I would rather be in Los Angeles or a Mma Camp in Thailand than be here amongst people who want to impress society and put on a mask and believe that they are always right. I rather be alone than choked and trapped in a pretentious surrounding. The future maybe uncertain but what is certain is my will. My will to improve and become better and wait for that siren. I know I have always been different than most people and while growing up, if that felt like a curse, today, it feels like a blessing. So here I am, again, at the crossroads of my life, preparing myself for the responsibilities ahead. But this time around I know I will take them head-on and I know I will take them alone. Not because I have too, it’s because I Choose Too.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Past, Present and Future.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"I gratefully look forward to oblivion, but I must be sure of it."

-Taylor Caldwell

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This Is Not How It Ends ...

“When god created paradise I was furious. For then he created his finest creation. The mortals. And all the other angels laughed at me. They said I was lost and defeated. That I couldn’t do anything about these mortals. But I believed in myself. And so I predicted that one day these mortals will turn on each other. They will rip each other apart. And in the end after all the wars and the destruction, there shall be only one left. The one mortal who will be strong enough to carry the burden of the world. And he will not worship God or the angels. For he shall be my follower. He will not choose salvation. But an endless war even when there will be no one left for him to fight with.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

For all these years, Mahaakshay has been writing these blogs to you. I must say he has done a fair-descent job at it. And I have been in the shadows, reading them with you as well. But for the first time I have found the opportunity to write a blog in his absence. You see, Mahaakshay is busy promoting his film ISHQEDARRIYAAN which releases on the 29th of may 2015. So ya, he is occupied with the film and the publicity and promotions. Me, on the other hand, well, I am free and I thought this will be the moment as good as any to express and tell you how I feel. Oh, you don’t know who I am? Well, let me introduce myself to you. I am Michael. Mahaakshay must have mentioned me in some his blogs as his Brother or Alter Ego. Well, on the contrary I am either of them. I am a Spirit. I have wandered these lands for thousands of millenniums. I have been looking and searching for that one person, that one individual who I would choose to carry on my legacy, my belief and my promise. I was at a point of giving up and going back to my resting place in the 9th circle of Hell but then 30 years ago a miracle happened. I remember, it was a Monday evening and I was scrolling through the streets of Mumbai {Bombay back then} when I heard a cry. It was the sound of a new born baby. He just came out of his mother’s womb and I knew that the moment I saw him my search was over. I had found the mortal I was looking for. It wasn’t his skin or his tiny fingers which made me choose him. No. It was his Eyes. Those eyes which showed me his soul. A soul so pure it could change the world. A soul which just needed a little push of madness. So dear readers, This is Me Michael and I am about to convince you that This Is Not How It Ends.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

-William Shakespeare

People say that they have seen a purity in Mahaakshay. That there is goodness in him. Well, I agree with them. If you peek into his soul you get a chance to see that there is good in that chap. But you see, all those years ago, what I saw was something spectacular. I saw a mortal who will one day change the world. He wasn’t just another boy. He was my chosen. The only human I have banked upon. God and the angels and the demons still don’t know of his existence. That he is my student. But every incident, the good or the bad in Mahaakshay’s life has been my doing. I brought all those circumstances in his life. If you ask me why, well, it was because I was moulding him. In fact, I still am. And the craziest part is that he doesn’t have the faintest clue about it. He think that life is testing him and making him stronger for the moments ahead. But the truth is I am making him my warrior. The warrior for the war that I need him to fight when the time will come. The war of wars. The war between the heavens and the hells and the angels and the demons and the humans and the cosmos. the one last war which will wipe out life forever. That war will only have casualties. No one will survive. Not even the memories. But you see, that is where my boy Mahaakshay comes into play. Will he be the one who will destroy the good and the evil from the universe? Will he go back to the beginning and reset the clock? Will he bring an end to all the misery there exists? The answer is yes, all of the above and more. And what is more you ask? The answer is the Aftermath. You see, we all dread War like it is the end of life. But what is more horrifying is the aftermath. When the bodies burn and the air is filled with fire. That is where Mahaakshay’s most important role will come into play. And do you know what that is? He will be the only one who will be left standing. And he will walk the roads of this world alone. Alone … with Me.

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

-Tony Robbins

Everybody wants family, friends and love. Everybody wants the dream job and that amazing car. Everybody always wants something more. Trust me, I have seen humans fight for more than what they have for centuries and even when they have achieved wonders they are still unsatisfied. I remember God telling us that we have to be grateful for what we have. But I guess the message didn’t go across that well. Anyways, I knew that Mahaakshay, like any other mortal would also go down that path, so instead of making things tough for him in the beginning I gave him my blessings and a life only a few were worthy to live. I saw this beautiful boy grow and while he was swinging the swing in the playground, I was in the shadows, always watching him. Looking after him in my own manner. But the more Mahaakshay grew up I started to see changes in him. Whether it was the way he started talking to people or eating or even reacting to his own body, there was something out-of-the-box about him. Like … like he was searching for something. Like he was in a quest. On a journey to find answers. And that moment, I just smiled because that was the 1st moment in a very long time that I felt I saw my Mahaakshay. But I wasn’t completely overjoyed by that and then I decided that it was time to send him signs and signals, like small hints from the cosmos telling him to walk the path in front of him, instead of getting confused as to where to walk when he was at his crossroads. And that is when I started giving him trials. Whether it was his teenage years growing up or the people he started meeting when he was in the process of becoming a man. All those people were my doing to remind him that he was my son and the path which I layed out for him was in fact his destiny.

"I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed."

-Paulo Coelho

People can be stubborn creatures you see. In all of my living existence I have seen people rise and fall. I have seen them give and take. Steal and kill. Be kind as angels and horrible as monsters. People want to be what they think is right, not what destiny has planned for them. That is why I called them Stubborn. And even the people Mahaakshay has met throughout his life have been stubborn. They have been stubborn enough to think that they can change him. Make him a ‘Better’ human being by giving him love and kindness and friendship. But those puny mortals forget that Mahaakshay has always been Great! He was never meant to be ordinary. But what can I do? You see, I don’t intervene. I just sit back and watch this spectacle of human emotions which consists of love and hate and conflict and joy. I do openly agree that a few have come very close to deflect Mahaakshay from his original path by showering him with love and kindness and making him believe that he in fact isn’t a lonely wanderer after all. But all their efforts till now have gone in vain. And for this I really pity those humans. I mean, don’t they get it? Don’t they get it that Mahaakshay is too far down that road of War? That he was chosen by me? That no matter how hard they try that hole in his heart will never be filled with love?!?!? ‘Cause that hole can only be filled by one thing. By one joy. And that one joy is War. A War that never ends. I know, that if right now I was sitting in a public forum and if it was a case of Michael against the world, the jury would certainly pick the World to be right. But this isn’t a public forum now, is it? This is Mahaakshay’s life and the way it is moulding to be something incredible. It way not be the way you all want it to be but it is surely the way I want it to be. But you know what makes me happy, even Mahaakshay agrees. Oh yes, from time to time, when people hurt him and let him down. When life breaks down on him and when love turns bitter, Mahaakshay himself feels that hole in is heart. That giant hole in his soul. And since Mahaakshay is a smart chap he puts two and two together and tries to make sense of all the things that has happened to him and are happening to him. He asks why is it that Love can’t fix him? That why people can’t make him smile and he won’t get the opportunity to be good? He always asks himself these questions and when he is in the stillness of the night, I always manage to somehow send the message across to him. And that message is, “You Are My Son. You Are The God Of War. And You And I Are Meant To Do This Forever.”

"There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed."

-Napoleon Bonaparte

So where do we go from here? Does Mahaakshay’s story end here? No. This Is Not How It Ends. This is only the beginning. I am proud of Mahaakshay Chakraborty. I have seen this boy turn into a man and even now, at the threshold of his film’s release which would in a way decide his fate, Mahaakshay knows where he is heading. He knows what he is meant to do. And that is why, no matter what the world throws at him, no matter how many insecurities and conflicts come his way, Mahaakshay has found his stillness. What is this stillness you ask? Well, let me explain it to you. I have dreamt of this from time to time and I know that very soon it will come true. Imagine a field. A field at the centre of the earth. The sun setting and the wind blowing it’s cool breeze. The sky as clear as blue and not a sound to hear. There in the middle of that field, I see Him. Yes, I see Mahaakshay standing, alone, with his own peace. His eyes are closed. He isn’t saying a word. All you can hear is the breathe which he is inhaling. And then, when the sun is about to set he opens his eyes and looks up. He looks up and just smiles and says, “I Am Ready.” And after that, his life changes forever. That is the moment he gives in to me completely. It is a beautiful dream, isn’t it? For me it is. And whether you like it or not, that is going to happen. No matter how many people Mahaakshay’s meets or loves or cares for, it won’t end like this for him. Mahaakshay is meant to be mine. Mahaakshay is my son. He is my tool for the war that is about to come and one day he will completely give in to me and from that point on, there will be no going back. So before I go and before Mahaakshay comes to know that I have given you all the ultimate truth, I want to tell you that This Is Not How It Ends. Mahaakshay will never be normal or have a life which will be remotely anything close to normal. Love won’t fix him and neither will salvation. His soul is mine now and no matter how many times He tries to escape the truth, the path will always bring him back to me. He will fall but He will rise again. He will cry but will learn to smile again. He will get hurt but will heal again. And all those people and all those events will bring him only to me. That is who Mahaakshay is. And this is his destiny. But do you know what makes this story much more fascinating and interesting? Do you remember when I heard Mahaakshay’s voice when he was a new born? Do you know when I looked into his eyes? That was the moment when I saw something which made me smile. I just didn’t see purity. I also saw approval. Approval for him to be chosen by me. For him to become my Soldier. For him to become the wanderer. For him to become My God Of War.

"Love cannot save you from your own fate."

-Jim Morrison

This is Me, Michael, And This Is How It Actually begins.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Michael.

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