Past. Present. Future.

“Humans will error. They will make mistakes. And they will be savage beasts. It is in their nature. But the reason this book was written was because one day, one mortal out of the billions will be truly worthy of reading it’s pages. For he will know what he must do next in his life. For he will be chosen for a task greater than any man can endure. And when he realises his own true potential, he will be free and therefore will be called as The One.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

We are only few days away from the release of my Ishqedarriyaan. Come 29th I will know what Fate has in stored for me. The wait of more than 2 years will be decided just a few days from now. But right now, sitting at my couch, during this sunday evening, all by myself, I can’t help but take a look back into my life and see from where I have come to where I am going. Yesterday, I began to replay Call Of Duty World At War on the Xbox 360. I was looking for that game for a while now and I was delighted to have found it. Al though I am very much in love with the game, it was the year it came out that intrigued and made me think of my past. It was 2008. Nearly 7 years ago. And when I saw that year flashing on the screen, I was automatically transported back to that moment when I first started playing that game. And that is what got me thinking and analysing my life and of course the Road So Far. Maybe that is why it was important for me to see where I was, where I am and where I am going and it was also important for me to share all that with you. So let me try to review my life in full in the coming paragraphs and I hope that I do justice to it also. 

"But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep?"

-James Thurber

The Past:

Just a few days ago I was having a discussion with my brother about life and everything in it. And when we were chatting I told him that, “I don’t know why people say that they never want to grow up or that they wished they were children again. I love growing up! I believe growing up is an amazing feeling and I never want to be a child again.” I know why I said all that. It is because whenever I look back into the past, I only see a kid who was screwed up. I know we all have to go through our own journeys but whenever I look back, I only laugh and curse at myself. I mean the things that I did and the way I was, well, they were wrong and unjust and I deserved everything that came my way.I know I can’t undo the past and neither I can right my wrongs but I can surely never make those mistakes again. Of course I feel guilty. Of course I feel terrible. I was selfish and self-centred and the only person I cared and loved was myself. It was wrong and even back then I had a choice. I had a choice to leave people alone or become like them and mould myself according to society. But my childishness and arrogance never allowed me. There are times when I sit alone and repent the things that I have done. I was a hypocrite to believe that my actions were somehow righteous while all they were doing was hurting and harming everyone around me. My brother tells me that we all go through these ordeals in life and it is only these ordeals that carve out the best in us. I agree with him ‘cause today I do know the difference between the wrong and the right. But the past sometimes still haunts me. A part of me is glad it does and a part of me wants it to leave me alone. I guess this is the burden that I am meant to carry always. I don’t know how much I have grown as a man over the years but I do know that now, the choices are more clearer in front of me. Today, before I do anything I always wager the Pros and Cons and then act practically towards the situation. Maybe challenges do carve out the best in men. But even back then, during the most toughest times of my life I always knew what I wanted to do. I do agree that my approach may not have been that appealing but it was always the way I wanted to go. Maybe the reason to fight and become better was the only thing that was right in my life back then and maybe that is the only thing that took me away from the evil in me and showed me the light.

"Oblivion is the rule and fame the exception, of humanity."

-Antoine Rivarol

The Present:

I guess I don’t have to break down the present so much. You know where I am and what I am going through. My film releases on the 29th and every moment which brings me closer to it just terrifies me more and more. But this isn’t the fear of what people may say or not say or about the box office results. This fear is about the oblivious. The going-into-unknown-territory fear. I really don’t know how I will be come May 29th. When people meet and greet me today, they see the smile and the laughter and the confidence which every actor must show. But underneath all that is pure fear and insecurity. You see, I am human just like you and I am going through all those emotions also. I have friends and family and loved ones. People who are there to support me and give me their best wishes. But the thing is they aren’t going through what I am going through. Of course I can’t blame them for that ‘cause this has been my journey and they can’t fathom to realise how much is at stake for me come May 29th. I truly appreciate all the support and love that I am getting but you know just because someone is giving you their love and their understanding doesn’t make them right. I have said this before and I am saying this again, society is the mother root of all evils. I agree that humans are savage beasts and we need someone to tell us where to go and what to do but the problem is that society and appearances have only made us more hollow from inside. When I started out on this journey, I knew I would face trails and tribulations. And today, on the verge of the biggest moment of my life all I want is to be left alone. Yes, you heard me, I want to be left alone. I’ve realised that people are there for you only until they are comfortable being there for you. At times like these, I only remember what the Joker told Batman in The Dark Knight. “The only reason these people support you now is ‘cause they need you. Once you have done your so-called righteous duty, they will cast you out. They will make you the villain. These so-called ‘civilised’ people are only as good as they want to be ‘cause when the chips are down, they will turn on each other. I will show you that one day.” Those words echo in my ears overtime I see a close one defending themselves ‘cause they believe that they are right. It is sad to see people once you loved turn into monsters when you thought you were the monster all along.

"Since fame is an illusion and death is in our future all we have is the next moment before we are swallowed into oblivion."

-Al Goldstein

I know I have my weak moments. Moments when I just want to unwind and be normal and forget about the pressures. I always thought that ‘Love’ was the answer to it all. But I was wrong. Today, Love comes with an instructional manual and people will love you only if they think it is right to do so and even if they do, they expect you to be the way they want you to be. Giving love and being understandable doesn’t always mean that you are right. And a while back, I knew I would need friends and people that I could count on during this challenging period of my life but as the challenges grew stronger, I started to realise that I didn’t need anyone at all. Remember I told you that I love growing up? Well maybe, this is a sign of growing up. That we have to face our challenges head on and that when we truly face our obstacles on our own, we realise that we never needed anyone to begin with. I have come to realise that and even though this choice will make me alone, I am proud to say that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need love or friendship or care. All I need is myself. A mother who met in the train, when I was going to Surat to promote my film asked me that how can I choose to be alone? Doesn’t it get lonely? And I told her that when you are in love with the company of yourself, you never need anyone. And that is what I have become today. A man who just loves his own company. I really don’t know why people don’t get that. Well, again, maybe it’s because they must have known my story but they haven’t lived it. They don’t know that I am complete only when I am truly alone. I wish I could make people understand that. You know those people who are more concerned about society than themselves? Well, anyways, I hope this blog somehow gives that message to them. Trust me, I do get angry. I do get angry when things don’t go my way. But as Batman said, “We can choose to be better than our basic instincts.” And that is what I do now. The one thing the Past has taught is me that no matter how much love and adoration you get from the people, always remember to stay humble. And no matter how much you are tempted to fly, remember that you can’t and those artificial wings will one day break and you will come crashing to the ground. Today, I am very happy with the way the film’s soundtrack has been appreciated and come 29th, I hope people like the film also. But has this journey affected me in any way? Have I again become the pompous, self-centred prick I was back in the day? The answer is, No. No, I am never going back to that evil again. Today, even when I am tempted to become cocky or over-confident, I come back home, talk to myself, relax my thoughts and feelings and remind myself that temptation and love and adoration will not change me for the worse but will rather make me a better human being. 

"Time's stern tide, with cold Oblivion's wave, Shall soon dissolve each fair, each fading charm."

-Anna Seward

The Future:

No one has the answer to this. I mean who amongst you can tell me what is in stored for me? No one. Right? Well, astrologers can so-called ‘Predict’ but we all know that not all predictions come true. We all are the instruments of our own fate and all we can do is what we can in our circumstances. As I had mentioned earlier I don’t know how I will be on the 29th. I think the best thing to do will be to shut off  all emotions and feelings and expectations and imagine it to be just another day. But I also know that by running away from what is stored for me won’t make anything easier. I have to face the things that will come my way and not just on the 29th but for the rest of my life as well. That is why I am making a new plan. Whether it is increasing the level of my training or learning a new fight form in Mma or reading a new book or taking up a new course online. I know that life will move on and I will have to move on with it. As a student of Astronomy I believe that we all are a part pf the giant universe and that the universe has a divine plan for me and it will only make me come closer to my greatness. But I also know that I just can’t sit around and wait for that to happen. I will have to get up and get back to fighting again, the thing I love most in this world. I was watching Ufc today and when Chris Weidman knocked out Vitor Belfort, a part of me felt alive, just the way I feel whenever I train at the gym or punching during my Mma classes. I know my calling is different than most people in this world and one day that siren will play for me and when it does, I will be ready. But now, looking into the near future, I know what I have to do. I have to train. And I have to self-improve. I would rather be in Los Angeles or a Mma Camp in Thailand than be here amongst people who want to impress society and put on a mask and believe that they are always right. I rather be alone than choked and trapped in a pretentious surrounding. The future maybe uncertain but what is certain is my will. My will to improve and become better and wait for that siren. I know I have always been different than most people and while growing up, if that felt like a curse, today, it feels like a blessing. So here I am, again, at the crossroads of my life, preparing myself for the responsibilities ahead. But this time around I know I will take them head-on and I know I will take them alone. Not because I have too, it’s because I Choose Too.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Past, Present and Future.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"I gratefully look forward to oblivion, but I must be sure of it."

-Taylor Caldwell

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