The Missing Link ...

Be Daring, Be Different, Be Impractical, Be Anything That Will Assert Integrity Of Purpose And Imaginative Vision Against The Play-It-Safers, The Creatures Of The Common Place, The Slaves Of The Ordinary. 

- Cecil Beaton 

I know I am late in My entry. Many things have been going on in My mind and a lot of preparations to be done before the 2nd schedule of Rocky. I start Filming in a week's time. I Have so much to do. I will always have so much to do. But this isn't about that. This is about the dream I had recently. And an old friend of Mine visited Me there and this is what he said ... 

You are searching for something. Yes, you am. Something that you had before but now is lost in the wilderness of normality. You knew how it felt. To have that power. To have that feeling. You are still looking for it. You are searching for it. No, it's not love. Love broke your heart years ago. No, it is not the Social charisma. No, this is something else. What is it? What is it that you yearn for so much? What is it that you truly crave for? You are finding that missing link, aren't you? Your true purpose. A purpose that you miss so much. You know what it is. Inside of you, deep down in the darkness of your soul, you have felt it once. You have tasted it. You want it again, don't you? Yes you do. You always did ...

I know You have tried to be normal. So many times you have tried and tried and tried. But in the end, the result is always the same. You feel empty. Don't you? Whether it's birthday celebrations, or a gathering of friends you always knew there was something missing in you, wasn't it? You felt left out. Like you didn't belong. You put up this face.  A face of the boy next door because you have too. You do it because you think you have a chance for redemption. Of the things you have done. And for the things that you are about to do. You think there is an escape root for people like you. No Mahaakshay, there isn't. There never was. Once you taste the purity of the madness inside of you, once you embrace who you are, there is no going back. And you know that. Somehow, you always knew. They will try to change you. To make you believe in love and the goodness the world has to offer. But they don't see what you see. You have seen greater horrors than them and what scares you the most is that you have enjoyed it. You enjoyed every moment of it ...

You miss it, don't you? Oh I know you do. Without the fight, you are as good as dead. You have been fighting all of your life. And after a while, you didn't even realise that you have fallen in love with this fight and now, fighting is what defines you. They won't understand. They never will. Sure, they all have their own battles to fight but this isn't about them. This is about you. This is about your missing link. Something god took away from you. And now, you want it back. Don't you? You want your War. A war that will never end. You wanna play Soldier and be their, at the Battlefield and lay down hell on your enemies and you don't want to ever stop. You wanna be a War Machine. Yes, I know you want too. But you know what the world will call you right? They will call you a godless monster. A man lost in his own madness. A man who doesn't deserve his redemption. You will become the outcast. The lone wolf and no one will ever love you because you will become the thing they fear the most. You will become One with Yourself. You will become the one who will truly embrace himself. You will become Pure ...

War junkie? That is what you want to become? Isn't it? You had your war once. You were good at it. You enjoyed it. You loved it. But now, it's gone, isn't it? And now, you want it back because you miss it. You miss your war because you know it completes you. You are in love with Blood, Sweat and Tears. You love pain. That feeling of sacrifice. The purity in the madness. You crave for your own Darkness. The world will never understand. It was never supposed too. You were always the lone wolf. You were always meant to be alone. This is your curse. But your curse is also your power. It is also your greatness. It will make you the man you were born to become. You know that now. You know who you are. You know your true origins. And now, you know what the missing link is. What your true purpose is. It is War. It was always War. That sweet, never-ending War. 

They will never understand you Mahaakshay. In the end, you know how the credits will roll. You will drive off, towards the sunset. You will look for another battle to fight. You will look for another War. There is no end to this madness. But you want this, don't you? Yes you do. I know you do. I see how empty you are without it. Your friends will think you are crazy. They will even laugh behind your back but you know that no matter how many times you try to 'fit in' or be 'normal' you will never be any of those things because you are different. You are the odd one out. There is a monster inside of you who is hungry. And that hunger will never stop. No matter how many times you feed the beast, it will always want more. But I don't have to say all these things to you, do I? Because you gave in to this monster a very long time ago. Didn't you? You are far down that road now and you know, there is no going back now. But your Monster is asleep now, isn't it? You want Me to wake him up? I can and I will. But promise Me one thing, that you will never stop craving. Always want more. I will give you, your war. I will return you to your madness. I will give you, your missing link back. Just promise Me that you will never stop. And I will give you, your war. A War that will never end ...

... Sometimes, I don't have all the answers My readers. Sometimes I don't know what to say. But they say our Dreams fulfil our wishes. They show us the way and they sometimes even give us the answers ...

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this time I don't know how to conclude this story. I hope, maybe you do ...

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Little Things ...

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. 
Lao Tzu

I can blog about many things. Things that are now trending on twitter. I can discuss about the Presidential Debate happening over in america. I can give you My analytical predictions as to who will win it. I can discuss about the Doping charges on Lance Armstrong and how all the companies that were backing him up are now slowly with-drawing their support. I can even make the people aware that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month or I can even dedicate this blog to one of the greatest film-makers of bollywood Yash Chopra who passed away just recently. I can do all those things. But I choose not too. For in this blog, I choose to focus not on the big things that make the headlines but on The Little Things that affect our day-to-day lives ...

I am 28 years old. I know I am not that old to call Myself mature but neither am I that young to call Myself a kid. But for many years now, I have always been related to as 'The Kid'. Whether it was My relatives, My friends or My girlfriends, all of them always saw Me as a kid. Even though at that point of time it was ok to be tag lined as the kid, after a while it became a nuisance because no one would take Me seriously. For years and years I struggled with this onslaught ... until now. Just a few days back, I resumed My Mma Classes since I was Filming abroad and didn't get the time to train. When I got to the class, I saw all new faces. Boys, I never met before. But the more I spent time with them, I realised these boys were actually boys from the age group of 17 to 21! And all they were doing, were talking about girls and which girl winked at which guy and who is dating who. And our trainer yelled at them saying that Train More and Talk Less! I actually liked their company because I saw Myself in them when I was their age and for the very 1st time in My life I felt old! Even typing these words down, I am smiling because after all these years, I actually feel I am an adult and these boys look up to Me! So you see, the one thing that I craved for came to Me when I least expected it too ... :-)

My youngest brother Namashi has just recently started his Acting Classes. He goes everyday in the morning and comes back in the evening. I have beautiful memories of My childhood. And especially the ones I shared with My two Brothers and My Sister. Today, all of them have grown up and being the elder brother it feels beautiful to see your siblings doing the things you thought they would one day. I guess all the 'firsts' of the families will be able to relate to Me in this matter. Whenever I see My bros and sis hang around with their friends I smile because I know they have grown up and they are wise enough to take their own decisions and spend time with people other than Me. Although, it is a little sad for Me to realise this, I am more happier looking at them the way they are today and whenever I have doubts and those dark days, My bros and sis always manage to make Me smile. And that is what happened recently. Namashi was about to leave for his class when he suddenly called Me from My room and asked Me to help him out. When I asked him what it was, he told Me, please tie My shoe laces. That request actually made Me smile because My baby brother wanted Me to help him out. I felt very happy tying his shoe laces and as I did, I captured that moment and made it a beautiful memory because not everyday does the eldest brother get such a sweet request from his baby bro ... :-)

There are many things in life right now that I can be happy about but the one thing that really gives Me happiness is My Work. People often tell Me, "Mahaakshay, don't talk about your work. Don't share your happiness with people. People are very jealous and narrow-minded. They can't see others happy so they curse you and pray that your happiness goes away." I don't believe in that crap. I believe, happiness should be shared. We do all the things that we do because in the end, we want to feel happy and contented. And if you smile to the world, the world will smile back at you. It's as simple as that. Happiness comes to us in many forms. My ultimate form of happiness is My Work. I love Working. It gives Me the greatest high! When I work, nothing else matters and whenever I put My Make-Up on, I feel alive! I maybe playing different characters everyday but underneath the seriousness of all of that, I am smiling! I am smiling all the time because I am doing the one thing that I know I was born to do! In all of My living years, I have realised that life happens to us when we are busy making other plans. Sometimes, all we have to do is look where we stopped looking ... :-)

I'm not saying that My life is full of roses. Nope. Not at all. In fact, there are more thorns than roses here. But sometimes, I really feel like enjoying the little things. Even if it is for a second, I take out time and I smile because I know that this moment won't ever come back again. Sure, we all have our own shit to deal with. A friend who hurt you. The girlfriend who doesn't understand. The work you want is taking time to come. Your dues not getting paid. Dreams yet to be fulfilled. Yes, we all have our problems. But sometimes, even god wants his break you know. And sometimes, the best way to beat stress is to see the good in it. Being Grateful shouldn't be a daily duty but it should be a habit! So before I go all I can say is, for your own good, for that smile which aches to be seen, for that happiness which lingers in your heart, for that love which waits to glow, give them all that passage and spread the happiness 'cause you never know when you will realise that you are 28 too and you are no longer a kid but the man everyone looks up too ... :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I Enjoy The Little Things ... :-)

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Journey Home ...

Sunday, October 14, 2012,

In The Flight Back To Mumbai …

17:10hr …

No Topic this time. No On-Your-Face proclamation. This time, it is just Me and you get a glimpse of Me, the real Me. It has been a while. A while indeed. I guess I was too tied up or maybe I just didn’t care. Sometimes I even don’t know. But I guess a man only progresses when he starts becoming truthful with his inner being. I mean I have too. How do I apologize? Where do I begin? I mean, should I even write all of that down? You know the story. But you still wanna hear it. Everyone always wants to know. And sometimes they don’t even care for the reasons. They just wanna know. I guess this won’t be any different either.

I was in kolkatta for 10 days. Shot for my 1^st Bengali film, Rocky. The experience was over-whelming. I never knew I could had pulled it off. But I somehow did. I somehow managed to make everyone happy. The 2^nd schedule starts soon. I just finished reading Kaboom. I know it has taken me a while but I finally did it. I closed the book. I read every page and pronounced every word. And I knew I would feel a void when the book would finally be over. For a moment there I also got emotional. The world would surely laugh at Me for this but I don’t think they would be able to relate with it. You know, with the feeling. I guess you can’t express everything through a blog now, can you?

I am going back to the homeland. The city where I live. My family and pets and friends wait for Me. Waiting to greet me with open arms and love. Love that I missed. But did I? That question fears Me. I dare not ask Myself. But I have too. I need to who I am. And what I am becoming. Back in the day, all those years ago, in that blackness I had asked for this. For this never-ending journey towards the oblivion. I asked for it. And today, I am living it. Do I want this to end? No, never. This is what defines Me. My work is my worship. Yes, there are many out there like me but I don’t care. I know I never did. I am too selfish. That is a fact. That I know. Ask the people who know me. They will tell you. A boy of giving is now a man who doesn’t care. I guess greatness has it’s after effects. 

Sleep the body says. Sleep for an hour more. You need the rest. The flight will take a while to reach. But the mind says go on. Write this blog entry. Let the world read your thoughts. You know you crave for it. You crave for an understanding from a world which doesn’t want to care. You hope for it to become better. You want a voice. And this blog is your medium. Type those words down. Make them read it. Write your heart out. The mind and the body fight this unconventional war which both know, they won’t win. And I guess in this hellish war My soul will be lost. I guess it died a long time ago. I don’t know. I don’t find the goodness in it anymore.

You made your point Mahaakshay. This is a blog. Not an autobiography. Stop writing! But why do these fingers not stop! Dammit stop! No, they don’t. They want to feel the release as much as the thoughts want. They will go on. They don’t care. They wanna fulfill their purpose. They wanna finish what they started. I hear the music on the ipod. Rock music. It charges me up for the week ahead. For the things I wanna do. For the promises I have to keep. For the duties I have to fulfill. The music helps. It takes me to a place. A place where only I and I belong. I wasn’t like this. No, I was different. Maybe a long time ago, I was simpler. Now, I am complicated. There is so much more I want to write. I want to write the truth. The whole truth. Can I? No, I won’t. I am too afraid of it. I still want to believe in the lies my heart tells me. I want to make it real. But deep down in that place where my soul once was, I know my heart will fail. The mind will win. Feelings I had before are long gone now. They don’t exist. They are not even a memory. A part of me fears that. A part of me embraces it. Who am I? What am I becoming? Questions over questions. There are always questions. Questions, waiting to be answered …

I look outside the window. I love this view. The sun setting. The stars which start to twinkle. It is so peaceful here. It is so beautiful. I believe if god existed he would had drawn this painting. The magic hour as they say. Up here, in the heavens, I am only with my thoughts. The world seems dead to me. For another 60mins or so, I am with myself. I like that. I love the ‘Me’ time. I guess we all do. But no, I don’t care. I never did. This is about Me. This was always about Me. My soul spoke to me before. It doesn’t anymore. I know it is long dead. But someone does hear my thoughts. A force I can’t name. For the world he is a dreadful monster. But for me, he is my friend. A friend who has been with me for a very long time. He speaks through the echoes. And sometimes through the silence. He feeds from my emptiness. He wants to stay forever. And I want him to never leave …

You sick empty being. He calls Me. You sick godless creature. You don’t be long to live a life of mortality. You don’t belong here. You belong to me. You belong to the un-ending war of struggle and triumph. You know it don’t you? I agree with him. It scares me how much he is right. He knows how empty I have become. I guess this is evolution but everything new, along with joy brings fear. I am afraid. I am very afraid. The world around Me means nothing to Me. The people in it. The relationships and the after-maths of the civilised world. They don't affect Me. Their words, their feelings, their dreams, they mean nothing to Me. Why I ask? Why? I guess I know. I guess I always knew. I just didn't wanted to accept it. I see this normality in people. In the civilized world and I wonder. They are alien to me. This thing called society. I don’t cherish it and neither I want to respect it. I am not part of the group. I am the outsider. I always was. Do I want to fit in? No, never. I want to stand out and howl at the moon. I want the world to be amazed and wonder at me as a marvel. Me and my ambitions. I know they will never end. This quest. There is no destination for death is the only end. Living this life is the journey. No matter whether my feet tremble or the skin beneath them burns to hell, I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I want to go on. Go where life takes me. It has brought me this far. I know it will take me further. There is a monster in me. A monster which needs constant feeding. The world won’t understand that. It never will …

This is the longest I have ever written. I don’t know why. I know the readers are bored by now. No, I don’t care! I wanna write more. I want to feel light. But why was I so heavy in the heart in the 1^st place? I think I have even forgotten why I started writing. Maybe, just maybe this my send-off or a tribute to Kaboom, one of the best books I have ever read. I guess I am angry that it’s over. It became my friend. I read chapter by chapter, slowly and steadily because I enjoyed it that much. I somehow found Myself in that book. I was a Soldier in some pages and in some a reader. But I was there and that is why I think I became so selfish. I didn’t give it that much of justice. I should had read it faster. But I didn’t. It is hard to let go you see. It is always hard to let go. Sure, I will find more books to read on war, soldiers and marines. But Kaboom was Kaboom and it will always be Kaboom. Am I sounding emotional. I guess I am too lost in my words to understand anymore. 

My message? No, there is no message this time. This is just Me, uncensored. I feel naked in a way. A part of Me is now forever a part of this blog. Sure I can delete every word. You all won’t even know this blog ever even existed. But no, I will post this. I want to be heard. I want the world to know who I am. I want to make a statement. Love me or hate me, I won’t stop. I am a monster. A monster who feels nothing besides ambition. I will fulfill my hunger. I won’t stop. I will quench my thirst. I am who I am. And now, the world has a glimpse of it. Let the world remember Me as they choose too. All I care is that the world should remember. If it won’t, I will make it remember Me …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Story. And This Time I Am Not The Voice Of The Voiceless.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Once Upon A Time ...

I am your fairy tale. Your dream. Your wishes and desires, and I am your thirst and your hunger and your food and your drink. 
Klaus Kinski 

Once upon a time, in a land far far away there was a boy named Michael. Michael, who believed in miracles, magic and fairy god-mothers. His world wasn't that different from ours but wasn't that similar either. He loved god a lot and so one day he decided that he would go and find god. So, his quest started. He travelled the roads, the mountains and the high seas in search of god. Michael starved for days and met many people who never helped him but he still kept on going on. And then, one fine day, He met god. Oh! Michael was so happy to see him and all he wanted was to hug god and tell him how much he loved him! But god refused! He said, Michael wasn't worthy. He said that Michael was just a mere mortal and that he had no right to find god and ask god to do a humanly task. Hearing this, Michael was shattered. Almost, dead-like. So Michael went back. But Michael wasn't Michael anymore. Something in him died that day. Something from him was taken that day and Michael knew that it wasn't ever coming back. But on his way back, Michael met a man. A man who was willing to give him something to fill that empty space in his now black heart. Something much more powerful than love. Something that would make all the pain go away. But, for a price …

So, Michael, who was so heart-broken, in a never-ending pain wanted the horror to stop. So Michael said yes. And then, Michael wasn't Michael anymore for this man wasn't just an ordinary man who offered him this power. This man was called the 1st. When Michael asked what that meant, the man simply replied and said, I am the 1st of everything. Even before paradise, god created Me and he wanted that I experience all the beauty and the madness of the world at the same time. Later did he knew that I become something more than he wanted Me to be and in that threat he banished Me. So I look for all those who god casts out of his womb of love. Michael wasn't threatened by this man but rather found comfort in him and this man took him to a place where no man would dare enter. The realm of wait. The 1st said that here he would train Michael. Train Michael to become stronger and faster and more powerful. He would make Michael forget all the pain the world and god gave him and fill that void with a more powerful power. The 1st would give him courage, a relentless pursuit to his goal and an unstoppable determination to become better than any man there ever lived. And so Michael's journey began …

As time passed by Michael become stronger and stronger. Michael became the 1st's finest student and so, as autumn turned to winter and the world slowly faded away with the thought of Michael ever in it, Michael began to prepare. Prepare and train and wait. And as more years passed by Michael wasn't just human anymore. The 1st knew that Michael was special and god made the worst decision by banishing him out of his love. Michael became Cold. Although his heart pumped, it stopped to feel. Michael, who was so afraid of pain, started to embrace it. Michael, who only believed in love, now only wanted Hate. And there was something in his eyes. A certain emptiness. An emptiness caused by the blackness of his soul. A Soul that could never feel love anymore. And so, it was time. It was time for Michael to come to the real world. The world which forgot him. The world which wanted to believe that Michael never existed …

Michael returned. He was better than ever. And because of his new persona, his awesome charisma and incredible charm the people started loving him! But little did they knew that Michael was something else now. An entity of pure passion and relentless pursuit to become the best in the world! And slowly and steadily Michael started going up the ladder. Michael began to succeed. And so, as the men before us who have fallen have seen, success brings its rewards. Rewards that come as gifts of love, pleasure and power! Michael enjoyed this. He enjoyed this a lot and he never once thought how would it affect the ones around him. He only thought of himself. Michael, who was once the object of love, was now an empty soul, who was cold-blooded and selfish. But you see, Michael did not have a conscious of awareness anymore. Even if Michael wanted to feel, he couldn't. And no matter how much the world blamed him, spat at him, called him names and hated him, it was the world that made this loving soul into the monster that he finally became …

Michael was gifted immortality from the 1st. So Michael lived on and saw people break each others hearts. Kill for a piece of land and massacre thousands in the name of religion. Men, who were the creation of god. Michael saw it all and with each passing moment, Michael became more and more empty and soon, there was nothing left in him except the blackness. Michael wasn't a monster. Michael was just a man who wanted to love but became a victim of it. Michael gave in to Hate even before he knew what it would cost him. Michael was normal no more but more of a machine who foolishly thought he was human, well, at least a part of him. A part of him which, after all the horrors and wars he and his mind and body had faced, wanted redemption. But Michael knew that all those years ago when he said Yes to the 1st, there was No going back. Michael knew that this is what he will always be now. Michael knew that this is what he was always meant to be. And so, Michael lived on as the man who conquered it all and paid the greatest sacrifice for it ...

So you see, Once Upon A Time, there was a boy named Michael who went out to find god and came back as a Man who no longer believed in Him. I don't know if there any Michaels here, in this world but maybe, one day, I may stumble upon them or maybe, I may see Michael in the reflection I see in the mirror …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am the Voice Of The Voiceless.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.