The Journey Home ...

Sunday, October 14, 2012,

In The Flight Back To Mumbai …

17:10hr …

No Topic this time. No On-Your-Face proclamation. This time, it is just Me and you get a glimpse of Me, the real Me. It has been a while. A while indeed. I guess I was too tied up or maybe I just didn’t care. Sometimes I even don’t know. But I guess a man only progresses when he starts becoming truthful with his inner being. I mean I have too. How do I apologize? Where do I begin? I mean, should I even write all of that down? You know the story. But you still wanna hear it. Everyone always wants to know. And sometimes they don’t even care for the reasons. They just wanna know. I guess this won’t be any different either.

I was in kolkatta for 10 days. Shot for my 1^st Bengali film, Rocky. The experience was over-whelming. I never knew I could had pulled it off. But I somehow did. I somehow managed to make everyone happy. The 2^nd schedule starts soon. I just finished reading Kaboom. I know it has taken me a while but I finally did it. I closed the book. I read every page and pronounced every word. And I knew I would feel a void when the book would finally be over. For a moment there I also got emotional. The world would surely laugh at Me for this but I don’t think they would be able to relate with it. You know, with the feeling. I guess you can’t express everything through a blog now, can you?

I am going back to the homeland. The city where I live. My family and pets and friends wait for Me. Waiting to greet me with open arms and love. Love that I missed. But did I? That question fears Me. I dare not ask Myself. But I have too. I need to who I am. And what I am becoming. Back in the day, all those years ago, in that blackness I had asked for this. For this never-ending journey towards the oblivion. I asked for it. And today, I am living it. Do I want this to end? No, never. This is what defines Me. My work is my worship. Yes, there are many out there like me but I don’t care. I know I never did. I am too selfish. That is a fact. That I know. Ask the people who know me. They will tell you. A boy of giving is now a man who doesn’t care. I guess greatness has it’s after effects. 

Sleep the body says. Sleep for an hour more. You need the rest. The flight will take a while to reach. But the mind says go on. Write this blog entry. Let the world read your thoughts. You know you crave for it. You crave for an understanding from a world which doesn’t want to care. You hope for it to become better. You want a voice. And this blog is your medium. Type those words down. Make them read it. Write your heart out. The mind and the body fight this unconventional war which both know, they won’t win. And I guess in this hellish war My soul will be lost. I guess it died a long time ago. I don’t know. I don’t find the goodness in it anymore.

You made your point Mahaakshay. This is a blog. Not an autobiography. Stop writing! But why do these fingers not stop! Dammit stop! No, they don’t. They want to feel the release as much as the thoughts want. They will go on. They don’t care. They wanna fulfill their purpose. They wanna finish what they started. I hear the music on the ipod. Rock music. It charges me up for the week ahead. For the things I wanna do. For the promises I have to keep. For the duties I have to fulfill. The music helps. It takes me to a place. A place where only I and I belong. I wasn’t like this. No, I was different. Maybe a long time ago, I was simpler. Now, I am complicated. There is so much more I want to write. I want to write the truth. The whole truth. Can I? No, I won’t. I am too afraid of it. I still want to believe in the lies my heart tells me. I want to make it real. But deep down in that place where my soul once was, I know my heart will fail. The mind will win. Feelings I had before are long gone now. They don’t exist. They are not even a memory. A part of me fears that. A part of me embraces it. Who am I? What am I becoming? Questions over questions. There are always questions. Questions, waiting to be answered …

I look outside the window. I love this view. The sun setting. The stars which start to twinkle. It is so peaceful here. It is so beautiful. I believe if god existed he would had drawn this painting. The magic hour as they say. Up here, in the heavens, I am only with my thoughts. The world seems dead to me. For another 60mins or so, I am with myself. I like that. I love the ‘Me’ time. I guess we all do. But no, I don’t care. I never did. This is about Me. This was always about Me. My soul spoke to me before. It doesn’t anymore. I know it is long dead. But someone does hear my thoughts. A force I can’t name. For the world he is a dreadful monster. But for me, he is my friend. A friend who has been with me for a very long time. He speaks through the echoes. And sometimes through the silence. He feeds from my emptiness. He wants to stay forever. And I want him to never leave …

You sick empty being. He calls Me. You sick godless creature. You don’t be long to live a life of mortality. You don’t belong here. You belong to me. You belong to the un-ending war of struggle and triumph. You know it don’t you? I agree with him. It scares me how much he is right. He knows how empty I have become. I guess this is evolution but everything new, along with joy brings fear. I am afraid. I am very afraid. The world around Me means nothing to Me. The people in it. The relationships and the after-maths of the civilised world. They don't affect Me. Their words, their feelings, their dreams, they mean nothing to Me. Why I ask? Why? I guess I know. I guess I always knew. I just didn't wanted to accept it. I see this normality in people. In the civilized world and I wonder. They are alien to me. This thing called society. I don’t cherish it and neither I want to respect it. I am not part of the group. I am the outsider. I always was. Do I want to fit in? No, never. I want to stand out and howl at the moon. I want the world to be amazed and wonder at me as a marvel. Me and my ambitions. I know they will never end. This quest. There is no destination for death is the only end. Living this life is the journey. No matter whether my feet tremble or the skin beneath them burns to hell, I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I want to go on. Go where life takes me. It has brought me this far. I know it will take me further. There is a monster in me. A monster which needs constant feeding. The world won’t understand that. It never will …

This is the longest I have ever written. I don’t know why. I know the readers are bored by now. No, I don’t care! I wanna write more. I want to feel light. But why was I so heavy in the heart in the 1^st place? I think I have even forgotten why I started writing. Maybe, just maybe this my send-off or a tribute to Kaboom, one of the best books I have ever read. I guess I am angry that it’s over. It became my friend. I read chapter by chapter, slowly and steadily because I enjoyed it that much. I somehow found Myself in that book. I was a Soldier in some pages and in some a reader. But I was there and that is why I think I became so selfish. I didn’t give it that much of justice. I should had read it faster. But I didn’t. It is hard to let go you see. It is always hard to let go. Sure, I will find more books to read on war, soldiers and marines. But Kaboom was Kaboom and it will always be Kaboom. Am I sounding emotional. I guess I am too lost in my words to understand anymore. 

My message? No, there is no message this time. This is just Me, uncensored. I feel naked in a way. A part of Me is now forever a part of this blog. Sure I can delete every word. You all won’t even know this blog ever even existed. But no, I will post this. I want to be heard. I want the world to know who I am. I want to make a statement. Love me or hate me, I won’t stop. I am a monster. A monster who feels nothing besides ambition. I will fulfill my hunger. I won’t stop. I will quench my thirst. I am who I am. And now, the world has a glimpse of it. Let the world remember Me as they choose too. All I care is that the world should remember. If it won’t, I will make it remember Me …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Story. And This Time I Am Not The Voice Of The Voiceless.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.