The Darkest Night ...

"It Is Always Darkest Before Dawn."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We all fight. And I have realised that we all have too. I know my blogs have mainly only been about fighting but to be honest, that is what I have been doing since the last 8 years. And even right now, I am fighting. A year ago my fight was for vengeance but today I am fighting for hope. For now I know I am facing The Darkest Night. Do you know what the darkest night is? It is the night which decides your future. It decides whether you will fight back or be lost in the darkness. It is the night which is filled with fear and doubt. The night filled with horrors and nightmares. This night has come many a times in the past. It has come the day before The Allied Invasion over Germany during World War II. It has come when the Towers fell. It has come when every kid prepares for his board exams. And in my instance, it has come before the friday when my film is about to release. The Darkest Night is also the longest night of your life for you feel trapped in eternity. You feel all alone and like the walls are closing down on you. When nothing feels right. And your inner demons come out to play. This night is one night I pray no one faces. But this night also comes as a sign. That the hell we are in will end soon. If we somehow survive and fight back, we will see the rays of the sun. We will see the light. We will triumph. The Longest Night is a curse for many but a blessing for only the few …

"When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance."

-Joel Osteen

I am a Leo. So that means a part of me is very proud and won't admit to my defeats. But life is such, it moulds you and makes you the way it wants you to be. I remember when I started preparing to enter into films, my intentions were completely different and now when I think of them, they were very childish. But as time went by my notions and ambitions began to change and before I knew it I became the ego maniacal bastard who only thought of himself. I started hurting others for my selfish motives and in time I became the devil's favourite son. But now, after all the hell and struggle and hardship, I have become humble or at least started to become humble. I somehow still feel that I haven't found my redemption and I am still being Punished for my sins. But that is just one of the many angles I look at my life now. Today, my life is filled with fear and doubt. But even through this despair, I have a will. A will to keep on fighting. To never stop. To fight and fight and fight and never stop fighting. Believe it or not, even the astrologers will say that these are my darkest times but even after knowing that I have this will to fight back. I am a huge believer in fate and I know that everything happens for a reason and maybe that is why I am going through these trials. Trials, which define a man and his legacy. How strong or weak he is. How much he can take the pain and still push further. Maybe that is why I am now Facing This Night. 

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I am not writing this blog for your sympathy. And neither I am in a self-pity mode. I am writing this blog to you to tell you that I am a survivor. I know there are many people out there who are fighting more tougher battles than me. Maybe the skinny kid in school is always getting bullied. Maybe a lady is fighting cancer. Or someone who is facing heart break. I know I can't relate to your pain but trust me folks, I know what pain is. I know what it does to you. I know how it changes you. You feel disconnected. You loose hope. And you stop talking to god because you think he is only punishing you. But now I know that isn't the case. We are his children and we all should have faith. Faith grows when there is no one who believes in you. It grows when you are alone out there running the tracks. It grows when the world laughs at you and you smile back with humility. It grows when all have given up on you but you still believe in yourself. You see faith is a very powerful thing. It makes You stronger. It gives you hope that in the end everything is going to be alright. That no matter whatever hell you are going through, in the end you will be greeted into heaven. Take this from me. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to have fear and doubt and be scared. Even when I face this darkest night, I have faith that this won't last forever. I may cry, I may stumble and I may even fall. But I will get up again and fight for my dreams. I will never quit. Even through this darkest night, I know I will stay undefeated.

"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."

-Helen Keller

I know 8 years is a long time. And a weaker man would had quit. But I know I can't. This night makes me see my demons. This night tells me to hate again. It shows me a reality Im not ready to face. This Night isn't for the ordinary. Only the ones who have greatly sinned and those who will overcome all obstacles can face this night. I face this night every moment. In fact, this night has always been around me like a shadow. Trust me, you don't wanna know the things I have gone through. The lowest level I have fallen or the humiliation I have faced. This night is meant to break you. This night is the last and most toughest degree of punishment god inflicts on man for his sins. I have known many who have packed their bags and left. Who have chosen other paths. Who have settled for the ordinary. Who have redeemed their sins without facing this night. But I know I am not one of them. I know what all I have done. The good and the bad. And I know what all I have to also go through. And at this very moment, I am going through my own trials. I am going through my punishment. I am being branded my god as the one who has done his share of bad but now is here redeeming his soul. It's like feeling a hot metal rod burning through your skin every second. It hurts like hell. But I know this is needed. For I am meant for greater things and to reach greater heights I have to go through this hell. I have to face The Darkest Night.

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."

-Voltaire

So my friends, this is me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. I am just a regular joe, just like you. I feel the same pain you feel. I face my demons and fight my battles, just like you and one day when I overcome all of this and look back, I know I will see you all in my journey also. I will thank you all for somehow, some way, you have believed in me. And when I meet you, I will look into your eyes and I will see the struggles you have been through to come this far. All the humiliation, all the hardships, all the losses, all the despairs, I will see them all and just smile because you and me both will know, that we made it. We survived. We survived the darkest night. We overcome all the odds and believed. Even when no one believed in us, we believed in ourselves and fought for our dreams. We sacrificed. We resisted and we didn't give in. In the end, that is all that matters 'cause pain only makes you stronger. Even right now, when I feel there is no Hope in my life, I have My Faith. And I have a lot of fight left in me. And I am still a believer that in the end, everything is going to be alright. I know one day this wait will end. And I will be ready for my opportunities. I will be ready to face the world. One day I know I will be loved by billions. And until that day comes, I know I will never stop fighting. Even when my body breaks, I will go to the gym, I will push my limits and cross through barriers that before were seen as impossibilities. I will survive this darkest night. I will survive this hell. And one day I will enter the light. One day I will finally be forgiven by god. One day I will make my parents proud. One day I will stand tall as the man who never gave up. So my friends, have faith and believe that it is only darkest before dawn. I promise you, very soon that dawn will come. Very soon your life will be filled happiness. Very soon, you will see the light. Fight back my friends. Never quit. It is at times like these when our faith is truly tested. Never settle for the ordinary. History has been written by men and women who endured hardships. By people who survived The Darkest Night. So believe in yourselves … As I will always believe in you. 

"This Blog Is Dedicated To All Those Brave Warriors Out There Fighting The Fight. I Salute You And Something Tells Me We Shall Meet Very Soon." :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am Now Surviving The Darkest Night. I Hope You Do Too.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"God will never give you anything you can't handle, so don't stress."

-Kelly Clarkson

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The Soul Connect ...

"A True Warrior Is He Who Learns To Suppress His Emotions And Has The Ability To Use All His Power To Excel Himself. The Warrior Should Be Prepared To Give The Ultimate Sacrifice. The Warrior Should Know That His Actions Will Either Give Him Recognition Or A Silent Death.  "

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We are human beings. There is nothing alien about us. But no matter how different our finger prints are, we have a lot in common. And the most common thing we share our feelings and emotions. Although our situations may be different we all feel joy and pain. We all experience success and failures. But in my 29 years of being the resident of earth, I have come to realise that beyond love and hate and hope and despair, we beings seek for a Connect. Whether that Connect is with God or with the person standing next to us. We want to feel a Connection. A pull. Or an Attraction. There are 7 billion people on this planet but in our life time we only connect with a handful of human beings. But as we mature and become wiser each day, we understand that it is not just human beings that make us feel connected. We start to feel connections with the things that we do. Or the books we read. Or the places we travel. So this is Me, writing in this blog. About My Connects and My Dis-Connects. But before I begin that, let me take you with me to a small journey. To a place called Seoul, where I discovered many things about culture, heritage, respect and War ...

"Each Warrior wants to leave the mark of his will, his signature, on important acts he touches. This is not the voice of ego but of the human spirit, rising up and declaring that it has something to contribute to the solution of the hardest problems, no matter how vexing!"

-Pat Riley

Once in every 6 months me and my family plan a short trip to a country where we haven't visited. This time we chose South Korea. What can I say about the trip? I enjoyed every moment of being there in Seoul. To be honest at first, I was hesitant to go there but once we reached, we loved the city and it's people. I must say South Koreans are very kind and gentle and above all very helpful. They went out of the way to help us with instructions and every day we visited a historical or tourist spot. The city was very well-maintained and all it's residents respected the law very much and that is why there was such order there. The palace in seoul was amazing and so was the local food. I am very happy that I managed to train there even though everyday went in either shopping or travelling. I can say, I somehow survived the break and the holiday food. That this trip was a boon for me. I somehow connected with myself more over there and found out that I always had the will. It was only my fear that was holding me back. And because I trained and dieted I was also rewarded there. I visited the only Mma Store there and got some cool Mma Gear and to top that I met The Korean Zombie! He is a world famous UFC Fighter and he was very humble and kind when I went to meet him. He in fact waited 30mins for me and showed me around his gym and told me to come and train with him the next time I visit Seoul! Now how cool is that? Plus I visited Gangnam where the Famous Gangnam Style song was inspired from. But beyond the Mma Tees and Gangnam Style was the moment when we visited the DMZ area of South Korea. It was breath-taking at the same time heart-breaking 'cause of all the horrors what happened during the Korean War during the 1950's. It was a brutal war which took the lives of 6 million people! During the tour we happened to even see a small video of the war and trust me it was very disturbing. But once I got back to the hotel room and I was analysing that tour when something hit me. Like a moment of revelation. Do you know what it was? It was the knowing that I am War. Yes. I. Am. War. That even when I am in a family holiday half way across the world, I am reminded by mother earth and the powers above that I am a Product Of War and I will always be this War Junkie who will never have enough of it. And at that moment my connection with the powers that be grew more stronger 'cause after all in the end, it is that connect that gives us meaning ...

"There are no contests in the Art of Peace. A true warrior is invincible because he or she contests with nothing. Defeat means to defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within."

-Morihei Ueshiba

I am a Leo. We Leos have known to be emotional people. It is not because we are weak. It is because we trust blindly and we give ourselves completely to the ones we surrender too. This sometimes is a big pay off and sometimes a huge mistake. I have been a victim of this many a times. But now I have realised that in order for me not to get hurt I have to do the one thing for which the world will hate me for. I have to become the bad and cold guy who pushes people away. I have always wanted to feel the soul connect. The feeling of completion and call me old-school but I believe when two sould connect, whether for love or friendship, they automatically, through their souls know how each other feels. I mean, you don't have to beg for their attention or tell them your problems for them to help you. Sadly, I tried feeling this feeling with people many a times but every time I have been the one who has felt unloved or mis-understood. But I am not here to bitch or complain. I am here to explain to you that we humans were meant to be imperfect 'cause in the end, if we are set loose we would literally burn this world. My brother told me a beautiful thing. He told me, we humans were born monsters and that is why are tamed to become civilised. I understood that the hard way and through all the successes and failures of my life, I have finally accepted who I am. I am look like an oak from the outside but from inside I am mellow as jelly. I fight everyday and punch and kick but a single unnoticed thing from a loved one breaks my heart. From the outside I may smile but from inside I know I am broken. So? What does a broken man do? How does he find his connect? Where does he go? Does he seek prayers from god? Or acknowledgement from the devil? 

"To achieve the mood of a warrior is not a simple matter. It is a revolution. To regard the lion and the water rats and our fellow men as equals is a magnificent act of a warrior's spirit. It takes power to do that."

-Carlos Castaneda

If I was in such a situation a couple of years ago, I would had given to anger and hate. But things are different now. I have learnt to make my anger my fuel. And my pain my strength. Today, I don't crib or cry or go into self-pity mode. Today I fight. For today I have realised that I have a power in me. A Warrior in me. Today I live by a code. Today I remind myself that I am stronger than I was yesterday. Yes, there are days when the shit hits the fan and there are days when I feel miserable, lonely and defeated. But during these trial times I don't self-induldge myself in pizzas or chocolates. I go to the Gym and Train. I pick up the weights and dominate the machines. I use all my aggression there and at the of those 3 hours long workouts I feel a whole lot better. Today I use my energy for self-improvement, not for self-distruction. Today I find my connect in Weights and Punching Bags than I do with people. Today My Soul-Connect is with My Training and preparation. Today, I find a connection with the soreness I feel the next day after a huge Dead-Lifts Day. Today, I know I am more connected to the War within me than to the peace people may or may not give me. Today, I have learnt to suppress my emotions. Today, I have learnt to do things which I thought impossible for me a while back. And it is not because of the Will in Me. It is because of the Soul-Connect I have with these things.

"There is something of the warrior in me."

-Lech Walesa

As I mentioned earlier, I now only feel a connect with War. It is not only because in some twisted kind of a sick way, my war gives me peace, it is because I love it so much! But war does come with consequences. It takes away the part of you which makes you human. it eats it up and then leaves  you being a monster who is hungry for more and more. Whether it is my training everyday with my coach or the Mma classes I go for, I know I want more. I wanna be submerged in training because those gruelling hours of blood, sweat and tears make me forget my reality and trust me, my reality is scary as fuck! But even when my body is broken, my mind says keep pushing! And then again push harder! But what do you do that even when you are there, in the gym, dominating those weights, there isn't a single soul in there who gets you? What do you do when you enter your Mma class and see men quit within 30 seconds of training? You go looking for more, 'cause even when the body has been long been broken, the mind is still strong and it is always looking for a fight. That is why I wanna train throughout the day. And train until I drop. I wanna go to America and be a member of the Ufc Gym in Los Angeles. I wanna be a part of LA Boxing which deals with Mma. I wanna do the Spartan Race. I wanna be called a Tough Mudder. Trust me, once you give in to this connect to War, the Beast within in you only gets hungrier. And now, the beast within me is very hungry. I may have failed connecting with people. Whether it was my expectations from them or whether it was my old-school thinking that love shouldn't be less than madness, I now I can't connect with another soul anymore. But there is Hope. There is always Hope. Even for Monsters like Me. And until that day comes, when I will excel in Fitness and Fighting, I will never stop, no matter what the cost. So before I go, I ask you this, what is Your Soul-Connect? Is it a Person? Or the Dumbbell in the Gym?

"I'm different, and I have to be a warrior to be that way. But I have had some success; I hope I have touched the lives of some wonderful people, all by being what I see as myself but some others people see as different."

-Johnny Weir

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and now you know My Soul Connect.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Fire Rises ...

"We All Have The Power To Reach Greatness. We All Have The Power To Move Fountains And Change The World. It Is Because We All Have The Fire Within."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

I am home today. I was supposed to do My Legs Workout at 48 Fitness followed by Ground Work Mma in the evening at One Fitness. But because of the Ganapati Visarjan I couldn't do neither. But can a festival stop me from my training? No, it can't. Because I remember My Dad telling me once, "Mahaakshay, if the mountain doesn't come to you, You go to it!" Meaning, that if you wanna train, you will find a way to train. Simple as that. No excuses. So what I did instead was an Hour of Cardio with My Training Mask followed by my own Home Mma Training. And maybe after writing this blog, I will again go to the gym for an hour and blast my Shoulders, Arms and Abs. Athletes train for 9 hours a day. Right now, I only train for 6 hours. In their eyes, I know I am still ranked as a 'Pussy'. I know. Many of you all will say that I am doing more than required and some may even tag my routine today as 'Overtraining' but trust me, with the way I am eating my eggs and chicken, I know my muscles are only getting better. Not bitter. No. I am not writing this blog to 'show-off' my traits or any of that bull shit. I am trying to explain to you that in every man's life a moment comes. And that moment comes when you least expect it too. And once you realise that you have been 'hit' by that moment, you know your life will never be the same again. 'Cause this moment, this energy engulfs you, consumes you and it lights up something inside of you. A Power you thought which never existed before. And then, at that moment, you know there is no going back to 'normal' because at that moment your soul is finally awakened and then ... The Fire Rises !!!

"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself."

-Walter Anderson

Just the other day I was at 48 Fitness and one of the Gym Instructors over there, who I exchange Hi's and Hello's with came up to me and asked, "Mahaakshay, how do you train everyday? I mean, don't you go out and meet your friends and have a social life?" And I just smiled at him and told him a small story. I was in America for my Acting Course 10 years ago. My Dad was along with me. All my class mates were elder to me. I was turning 19 back then and my peers were all above the 21 age limit, so every night they used to go and party and next day they would come and tell me stories of how much fun they had the previous night and the girls they got hooked up with and alcohol they drank and the way they danced. On one such night, I was alone in my room and all my 'hoomies' were out painting the town red. Dad noticed how sad I was so he came up to me and told me something which changed my life forever and I, till today, take those lines as an inspiration. He told me, "Mahaakshay, I know you are sad and I know you wanna be out there with your friends having a great time. I have friends here and they can make a 'Fake' ID for you and I will allow you to go with them. But before you decide that, I wanna give you two choices. Choice 1 is the obvious in which you go out and party and 'Live The Moment' and in return you will only waste your time and effort and energy you have put in the course. And Choice 2 is that you wait here, alone, cry even in despair but devote your every breath to your training and your course and make yourself so great that one day the world waits for you to enter a party!" Those words echo in my ears even today like it was just yesterday. And even though there have been times when I have felt like quitting, I believe it was those words which ignited the Fire Within me. So now, I don't care if I have a social life or not. All I know is that there is this great power within me and it makes me Burn. It makes Me Burn Bright!

"The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him."

-Abraham Lincoln

Yesterday, I think I saw The Dark Knight Rises for the 10th time on Blu-Ray. I didn't just watch it because it is a great film, I saw it for the message it gave. We all know that Bane was awesome in the film and if given a chance I would love to play a Character with so much of Power. But what made him great wasn't his ruthlessness or his Muscles. It was Bane's conviction which in my eyes made him so great! You see, if you see closely in his eyes, he had this pure conviction of what he was doing was right and just. He had a Fire Within Him. A Fire which couldn't be put out. Whatever the medium of his Fire was. Whether it was love, hatred or even vengeance, he was burning bright with it and that is why he couldn't be stopped. I feel some how like that too. That now, after all these years, I can't be stopped. I am not competing with anyone else, I am competing with only myself and trust me, it isn't easy. Every night, I face my nightmares when I am alone with my thoughts, thoughts which don't let me sleep. Thoughts of fear and failure and loss of hope. Every day I go to war with myself, when I head to the gym and listen to 'Stupify' to psyche myself up. Every day I face challenges when I hit the weights because I know I need to out perform myself, I need to give my 100% every time I am having a Mma Class. Every moment I am faced with a choice, whether to do extra rep or give up. But I am here, still alive and still strong to face what Fate has in stored for me. I am here because I know the Fire Within Me has Risen and I know now it can't be put out. I know I can't be stopped. I know I will never stop.

"Everyting negative - pressure, challenges - is all an opportunity for me to rise."

-Kobe Bryant

As I had mentioned earlier in one of my previous blogs that every choice in life has a 'Pro' and 'Con' affect. It is upto us to wager which choice gives us what and then choose. I know The Fire Within me burns bright now. But sadly all whom I know don't relate to that. I won't take names or give their examples because I don't wanna be tagged as the Little Bitch who uses blogs to express his emotions and hurt. Trust me, people don't appreciate that. Instead of understanding why I am doing that, they say I don't have the balls to tell them in person. Weird, isn't it? Anyways, as I was saying, people don't get it. They categorise me as a Monster or the Arrogant Asshole or just plain Insane.They don't see The Fire Within 'cause till now, their Fire hasn't been burnt yet. They carry on with their lives and do the things they are 'programmed' to do instead of thinking out of the box and devoting their lives to a particular cause. Sadly the only 'cause' I have seen people doing is trying to 'Fit In' instead of Standing Out. And trust me, that really breaks my heart. To see people just waste their lives away, when they can do so much with it! That is the reason I wanna go to Los Angeles next year and join the UFC Gym over there. Don't get me wrong, I am an Actor and I love to Work and I will be at the Movie Sets within a Heart Beat when the time comes. But until it does, I wanna be around people who are as passionate as me and people who understand this fire, 'cause they have this fire within them too. People who motivate me, push me harder and tell me that I am not alone in this journey. People who have the same conversations as me. People who know what it feels like to Fight Your Own Reflection. Right now, I only see Sport Channels, {excluding Sony Six} which only show Cricket. I agree, it is our Nation's Greatest Sport but come on! On every sports channel! All The Time!!! I just hope that in the future our nation starts encouraging other sports and it's athletes besides Cricket. But until that day comes, I wanna be surrounded by people who walk the same path as mine. Who have a burning desire within them to change themselves and to achieve greatness. Who stop at nothing. Whether it is hot, cold, raining, snowing or even armageddon, they just never stop pursuing their goals. Who always keep The Fire Within Them Burning Bright !!!

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments."

-Gustave Flaubert

No, I won't send an email of this blog. I won't send it to the celebrities on twitter. This blog only deserves one tweet-a-day 'cause I have understood my place now and I have understood what I have to do. I am not here to plead or beg for people's affections. I am here for only one thing. To make myself the better version of Me, every single day. And that won't happen by me asking for people's approvals and their comments on my blogs and their retweets. It will happen by my actions. It will happen through the hours of blood, sweat and tears which I will devote to the gym. It will happen by being more quiet and sacrificing the norms of society to stand out. Now, The Fire Within Me has Risen and I know it won't stop. Before I did everything to prove a point to the world. To be noticed by it. And to put others down. Before I had vengeance in my heart and hatred for my competitors. But now, I have the Drive to become the Better Version Of Me. To make my Parents proud. For my coach to come and hug me and say that, "You Did Good Mahaakshay! You Gave Them One Hell Of A Fight!" Now I only see the man in the mirror 'cause he is my best friend and he is my most fierce competitor. Now, The Fire Rises within me! And I burn bright! And I know that everyday won't be all roses and sunshine for me. I know I will have my shitty days too when fear will win. When I will be grumpy and moody. But I know that those days will only come and go but The Fire Within Me will stay. And I hope that each and every individual on this planet has The Fire Within them also! That unstoppable force within them which is so strong that it can't be stopped. That is can't be controlled. That one day, we all become the best versions of ourselves. That one day we all fight for a purpose, or we die trying 'cause it is always an honour to die with your head held high then to live a life with it bowed down.

"If you fall behind, run faster. Never give up, never surrender, and rise up against the

odds."

-Jesse Jackson

This is Me Mahaakshay Chakraborty and within me, The Fire Rises!

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"If You Wanna Be As Bright As The Sun, You Must First Burn Like The Sun!"

-Mithun Chakraborty.

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Just Another Blog Entry?

"Those Who Talk Just Blabber. Those Who Express Understand."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

First things first. I am very happy that I have resumed my weekly blogging sessions. I don't know how good it is for you to read them but for me it is weekly cleansing process and every time I write a new entry I feel light, energised and ready for another day. I, myself don't know why I stopped writing these entries in the middle but the past is the past and I am happy that I am back to it and with the way my Training Sessions are, Tuesday looks like the best day of the week to express my thoughts. I just hope they are as good as to read as they are for me when I type. Over the past few days I have been thinking what should be next blog entry. A lot of thinking went into it. I don't know why. I somehow feel I owe it to my blogs and to my readers that every time I give them something more than my previous entry. So that is why this week I decided that the blog will be called, "Just Another Blog Entry?" Why you ask? Well, because in the lines below you will see that I am just trying to express the current state of my well-being and also my training sessions and the thoughts and experiences I have had in the previous week. So instead of pin-pointing on a subject or a topic I wanted to just say anything and everything that come in my head and in the end, I want You, My Readers to decide whether this is just another blog entry ... or something more.

"We live in a society obsessed with public opinion. But leadership has never been about popularity."

-Marco Rubio

I believe life is full of choices and it is these choices that shape our destiny not our chances. Lately, I have been asking people the very same questions I asked the person before them. "What is it that you really want from life?" "Why are you so confused?" "What are your priorities?" "Will you finally make a choice and stick to it?" I know I have made a choice. And I also know that whenever we choose anything in life we have to, as mature and concerned adults, wager the pros and cons. I did my wager and that is why I decided to stick to the path of training. This path is giving me fruitful results and I can see these changes happen each day and thus I know I am one step closer to my goal. I remember My dad telling me to Prioritise my life. He told me to ask myself what is the most important thing in my life and once I had that answer that I should put every ounce of my energy to that particular objective. Back then I didn't fully do this but since June I have been doing it and I can proudly say that I am on the right path. Yes, I know you may question me what is the con smart ass? Well, the con is that I have let go of all my other ties. Whether it is society, friends or even love. I have closed all those doors and I am trying hard to keep it that way. Trust me, it isn't easy. I have stopped going to malls and restaurants and I make sure that even my diet foods and groceries are sent home. I have made a promise to myself that until work calls me, I will not go anywhere else except my 2 gyms, {48 Fitness for Weight Training and Cardio and One Fitness for my Mma Classes} my office and my home.  It is like a promise I have given to my goal and every time I keep that promise I know I have paid respects to my goal, to my objective, to my mission. Yes, the response from the world hasn't been that heart-warming. But as I said, I have made my choice and chosen my priority and I am going to stick to it, no matter what the cost.

"To be a tennis champion, you have to be inflexible. You have to be stubborn. You have to be arrogant. You have to be selfish and self-absorbed. Kind of tunnel vision almost."

-Chris Evert

Since we are having an uncut conversation and since I have left you to decide whether this is me just writing or trying to express something, I want to have another confession. I take my own sweet time writing my blogs. The process is something I really cherish. I put on the iMac, download all the app updates, check a few websites and put on itunes. Then, after every paragraph, I leave the computer for 5mins and come back to write the next paragraph. I know that this isn't rocket science but this is a pattern I have been following for sometime now and I just thought you should know. But right now, my right shoulder is in terrible pain. This pain was even their these last week but today it went to the peak and because of the pain I had to cancel one chest exercise. Even though my coach said it is ok I am feeling very guilty about it, the same way I am feeling guilty of not running for 5kms in under 30mins like how I always do after weight-training. But today my coach told me not to be obsessed with weight training, the same way the Mma India Chief, Somesh Kamra told me yesterday in Mma Class that I am 'Over-Doing' it. Should I take these words as advice or as compliments? To be honest I am now only focused on the healing of my shoulder 'cause tomorrow I have 25 sets of Lats plus Cardio plus Stretching plus Mma in the evening and I know that in mostly all the exercises My shoulders have to be strong and without pain. I think a nerve is swollen. Anyways, I have taken my medicines and I hope the night's sleep will help me recover. Am I really obsessed you ask? Well, all I can answer is that I am focused and I have never had this Fire burning in me before, and now, since it is burning bright, I will do whatever it takes to keep it burning. 

"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

-Confucius

Right now, only one thing keeps me going. And that is my target. What is my target you ask? Well, I believe Actions Speak Louder than words and when the time comes you all will know what it is. But as i mentioned earlier, this path isn't an easy one. It is filled with challenges. Challenges that I face everyday. I meet so many people in the gyms I go. Before these people were the ones I considered as my friends and people who shared my same passions but now I can't stand them. I am so mad at them. I just can't stand the sight of them. I think it is because my priorities have changed or maybe I have just become more grumpier. But the more I drown in the world of training and weights and pain and sweat I am beginning to understand that there is no one out there who is like me or at least in the gyms I go. I see people putting on stylish caps and cool shoes and head phones in the gym and do their own mumbo-jumbo but these same people don't have even an extra minute to put the weights back to the rack. They dis-respect the gym and that is something that I can't see. I, in between my sets go and put the weights back not to prove a point but just to give respect to the things that are changing my body. I mean I can choose not too but then I will be just like them. Won't I? My coach abuses me and yells at me whenever I do that but something in me tells me to pay homage. I guess I am spiritual that way. I mean, even I want to interact and talk to these new people but my code and promise stop me. They remind me of my goal and I suddenly without anyone's notice go into a corner and for recovery open the animalapk diaries and read them. Those diaries are the only thing I relate too when I am at my place of worship and when I see people just tear it apart. Either by throwing the weights around or by showing their supremacy by doing things I am not allowed too. As I said, this path isn't an easy one but I know that with each rep successfully done, I am one step closer to my goal.

"Lets have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."

-Abraham Lincoln

The same goes when I go for my Mam classes. As I mentioned last time that the 'ladies group' has come and practically made the brutal mma class into a beginner's class, I know that the gym will not do anything to alter their incoming business they are getting with the extra cash which comes from such classes and they won't even fix the damn reception AC, but use the fans for their own instead of giving some air to us members. Yes, my frustration is at peak when I see people just come for the heck of it and consider Mma as just another 'Group Class' instead of understanding how amazing it is. I see people come every time and quit after the first 30 seconds of each drill instructed to us. I get so angry at these people that instead of doing the exercise given they sit and laugh and joke. None of them take the class seriously. Trust me, you have no idea what level of patience I have to bear when I see something I love so deeply get shamed by people who don't even have an ounce of respect for it. I am sorry, I am old school. I come from a place where honour still means something. Where that word still holds value. So at times, I remember my code and try to keep calm. So many a times I have been laughed upon when I have tried explaining to people what my code really is. They think I have a stick up my ass but the truth is that this 'Code' of mine is the only thing that keep me mentally sane in this insane world and weirdos I meet everyday. My 'Code' hides away my reality. The reality which makes me sweat at night. The reality which only gives me fear and the reality which is more scarier than the monsters in the closet. My 'code' is what I live by. I try Not talking to people. I try to open and close conversations as sweetly and as swiftly as I can 'cause I just want them to shut the hell up but you know how people are, they are social animals and one way or the other, they want to prove to the guy standing next to them that they are better than him even though they have jack shit to back that up. 

"To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to."

-Khalil Gibran

To be honest I can go and on but I guess for now, this is more than enough. I don't know what I tried to express or make you understand  from this blog. Or whether I just wrote some bullshit for you to forget in a heart beat. But I know I tried. And maybe that is what I am trying to do since so long. For all of you to understand. The ones who have tried must hate me for saying this over and over again. They think that they must have done what was asked of them but now I tell you that why everyone else has failed. It is not because they were short-sighted or more 'chilled-out' and 'normal' than I was. It was because for some sick and twisted reason I never wanted them to fully understand. You can call it fear of being completely vulnerable or the ego too proud to admit that it never needs help, I have always pushed people away. And I guess this process will continue. Before I had sins on my shoulders but today I know i am clean. I am detoxed and I have the confidence to even ask god to wager my pros and cons and stall tall in the hall of judgement. But I know I can't change peoples opinions. I can't change the way they live their life and how much they gossip and waste their lives on the successes of others and the clothes they wear and the society they desperately want to fit into. I know I can't change anything. I can only better myself. Make myself more focused and set my eyes, my mind, heart and soul to only one objective and wish that with every passing day I become more stronger to face the challenges that are ahead of me. So tell me my readers, was this blog a cry of help? A Statement? A Message? An Emotional Outburst or Just Another Blog Entry? The choice is yours 'cause after all, everything in life does begin with a choice.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

-Elbert Hubbard

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and now I leave the choice to You.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Lone Wolf ...

"One Day When They Will Ask Me, 'What Was The Most Incredible And Scariest Moment Of Your Life?' I Will Tell Them, That It Was The Day When I Knew What My Fate Had In Stored For Me."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

So finally the time has come. The time when I dedicate a Blog to the title of 'The Lone Wolf'. This was a long time coming but I guess all happens when it is meant to happen. And I guess the time has finally come. In this blog I officially state my current state of being. Or should I say, how I was always meant to be. I remember, like it was yesterday, I went to mom just to express my feelings of troubled thoughts. It was the year 2006 and I was Filming for Jimmy. And I told Mom that I don't feel anything. That I am scared I will always be alone. Even though Mom was very disturbed to hear what I had to say, she also told me that this is just a phase and in time it will fade away. I believed her because she is my mom and she definitely has had more experience of life than me, so I let the thought slide and tried to forget about it. Now, nearly 7 years later, that thought is still with me. And it grows more stronger than ever. Those voices in my head, that inner voice of the soul, telling me only one thing, only, one, thing. That I will always and forever be The Lone Wolf. Before these thoughts used to sadden me and cast a shadow of fear over me. But now, after life's experiences, I can tell you that is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am truly honoured to be The Lone Wolf. And now, you will know why ...

"A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode."

-Chanakya

I have tried. I have really tried. Over and over again. Whether it was to mingle or socialise or to make friends or even fall in love. I have tried them all and every time I have failed. Before I didn't know why. Before I always blamed the other person. I tried to find their flaws and made sure that they thought that they were guilty but as time passed as this became a repeated cycle I figured out that it wasn't them but it was 'I' who was the problem. I have been blessed enough to receive love from many but for some reason I couldn't love them back. I mean, even though I was with them, talking and laughing and making beautiful memories, I always felt an itch on my back. Like there was always something missing. Like there was more. But somehow I couldn't find it. And slowly, that strong bond of connectivity used to collapse and all those whom I loved went away because I pushed them away for I felt no connection with them. I mean, how fucked up is that?!?! Man is supposed to be a social animal! I guess God wasn't paying attention when he was creating me. {Lol} But seriously, I sometimes even wonder which stick is up my ass that this happens to me every time! Over and over again. It is not like I haven't tried to feel you know. Even right now, when I am writing this blog to you, I swear, I feel no connection with my emotions. At least with the emotions which make a man normal. Emotions like Friendship or Love. Yes, I know. I am no Machine. I do feel something though. You may think it is my anger that I still feel. No. I have put my anger to rest. I now feel a fire within me. And I guess, throughout history, only few have felt this fire. This fire only the few, privileged were chosen to feel. Only The Lone Wolves ...

"I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."

-Henry David Thoreau

Today, I did a Chest Workout followed by a 30mins Run at the speed of 10kms an hour 'cause running non-stop at that speed makes me reach 5kms in under 30mins. My coach now Workouts me and it is truly an honour to train with him. I think day by day I am coming closer to his high standards of training and fitness. But no, I am not telling you all of this so that I can show how great I am becoming. No. As mentioned earlier in my previous blogs, I am just a peanut compared to the gym freaks out there. I am writing all of this to explain the fire within me to you. For the last 2 days, I was resting. My body needed the rest and maybe it took an extra 24 hours to heal. And when I was all by myself on Sunday and on Monday, I somehow felt very good to be alone. I can't explain. I guess, that has always been my problem. I just couldn't ever put it in words how much I have loved my loneliness. My 'Me Time'. The time when I have no worry of the world and when I am all by myself. I try to have these 'Me Times' whenever possible and trust me, they are very rejuvenating. So after resting for 48 hours I finally returned to the gym. And before my 1st rep, I had like a billion thoughts in my head. "Should I message him? Should I tell her how I feel? Man, that girl in the treadmill is cute. Will it rain today? Will I be able to push to my max today?" And so on. But the moment I finished My 1st Rep and felt the blood flowing in My Pectoral Muscles I felt Alive! And I screamed,"Yeah! That's what I am talking about!" Oh man! I can't explain to you how good that felt. And then I did the 2nd set and after that I felt like I was Juggernaut from X-Men and then after every set, I yelled, "I am The Juggernaut Bitch!" Trust me guys, it felt like a jolt of electricity running through me! Like a kick you feel when you are high on caffeine or when you just had sex! I felt that when I was working out and then all those wasteful thoughts vanished and I was focused! Completely focused in "Claiming The Weights" and by the end of the workout I knew I did my best and made my coach proud! And that is when I knew why I didn't feel a thing for others was because I was put in god's green earth not to make friends or fall in love but to become the best version of myself. Not to be a social animal. But to be The Lone Wolf. A Beast in His Purest form. But the story doesn't end here. For every beast needs his feeding and sometimes the beast wants more than your blood, sweat and tears ... sometimes the beast even wants your soul ....

"Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying."

-Martin Luther 

As I mentioned to you that I now have a new trainer as he has been a blessing to me. I finally have found the right guy who knows exactly how to train me and the results and changes I am seeing are beyond my very own imagination! And training with my coach has in a way made the fire within me burn bright again! After years I feel so focused and so motivated and somehow even though my body goes through hell, it wants more and more and more! Coach recently told me to resume my Mma Classes for more strenuous Cardio and Core Conditioning and nothing made me more happier than that. But what I witnessed once I went back was more of a horror to me than rejoice. People and I mean a group of ladies in particular have now 'taken over' the Mma Class and they laugh and giggle more than they train. Even though their every comment of 'Making The Class Easier' ticks me off I still manage to do my training as hard as I can and leave. But even after 3 hours in the Gym and 90mins in my Mma Class I feel I can do more. Like a hunger inside of me which doesn't go. Those voices in my head telling me, "We want more! Feed us more!" And the inner voice from my soul telling me the same thing but in a different way. "You want more, don't you? You want a real fight. Don't you? A Fight That Never Ends!" And I know that no matter how many 'whatsapp' messages I exchange with the world or how many pics I upload on 'Instagram' those voices will always want more 'cause they don't want the ordinary. They want the elite. They want more from me. Like a calling. They want to feel alive. And that feeling of being alive will only come when I will sacrifice my everything to my cause. When I will choose to be alone. When I will tell myself that this is who I am. My voices don't scare me anymore. They make me stronger. They free me. They meet me in the darkness. "Cause they say in the darkness, we are pure. In the darkness we shed our skins and the monsters come out to play. My voices want me to The Lone Wolf because that is the only way I will feel complete again. That is the only way I will ever feel alive again ...

"The only real progress lies in learning to be wrong all alone."

-Albert Camus

So there you have it, my confession of why I am The Lone Wolf and why I will always choose to be alone. I guess this is the way I am. i guess I belong out there you know. In the Wilderness. I guess I am one with the monsters. The monsters who eat souls. I love to fight. And I will go wherever the fight will take me. Like that grumbling feeling in your stomach. Like that flickering of the eye. Like that constant motion known as life, I know who I am now. And no matter how many people I meet in this journey of mine, I will never let them tag along with me. I know I will always push them away, 'cause I am not looking for friendship or love or lust or the junks and perks, I am looking for a Fight. A Fight that will never end. A Fight that will make me bleed. A Fight that will break my bones and take my breath away. A fight that will finally make me the warrior that I believe I am. The reason I have put up a Ufc Gym pic is because it is one of my Dreams to go to Los Angeles and train for 3 Months in the Ufc Gym where I will meet like-minded warriors such as me. Where I will train for more than 6 hours a day. Where I will be with myself and the thoughts which need feeding. To those who love me, I am sorry that I am this way but I guess this is who I always was and who I will always be. And for those who have always hated me, hate me as much as you want 'cause I am not doing this to beat you or bring you down. I am walking this path because I was meant too and maybe just maybe, someday I will find another Lone Wolf just like me and I will sit and hear his story too like the way you all are reading mine.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakaraborty And I Am The Lone Wolf.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone."

-Charlie Chaplin

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