Seeking An Honourable End ...

"Every Warrior Knows That One Day He Will Die In The Battlefield. And What He Truly Seeks Isn't Medals Or Accolades. What He Seeks Is An Honourable Death."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

I know I have always been spiritual. More than religious I think I was attracted towards the spiritual powers of the universe. And in the last few years it has come to my realisation that God and The Powers That Be are more connected to us when we are spiritual and in touch with our souls. And all the wise men of the past have always said one thing, 'Ask Questions Which You Seek Answers Too.' And following their advice I did just that. And the more I asked the more I realised that the questions will never end 'cause with each answer another question arises. But as a man who is in search of his salvation I have come to realise that many will not understand my journey. Al though some may try but they will never actually understand. And since the dawn of revelations in my life all I ever wanted was, for the world to understand. Whether it was my pain, my anguish, my struggles or my hardships, I just wanted the world to see I am just like them. But suffice to say, I haven't till date met one person who has walked or is walking the journey I am in. But even then I walk on. I just walk because now this loneliness has become my friend and I have now somehow uplifted myself from the norms of society because I know that there is more to my life. A voice inside of me tells me to walk this road for in the end I will finally come to my destination. And in the end, when all the dust settles and when I will take the last breaths of my life, all I will seek will be that one person who will give me my curtain call. At that last check point, when I finally check out, I will meet my maker and he will give me what I long for ... He will give me An Honourable End ...

"Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others."

-Buddha

It was nearly a year ago. I remember like it was yesterday. Wrestlemania 28 was around the corner and Triple H V/S The Undertaker Part 2 was one of the most awaited matches. It was one of the Raw episodes in which Shawn Michaels was interviewing both the contestants. And during the interview Triple H said something which hit me like Lightening. He looked at The Undertaker in the eyes and said, "I know taker. I know what you want. You want me to finish it. Don't you. You want me to end the streak. You know it is me. I am the one who will finally get the job done." What I am trying to explain here isn't the aggression what Triple H had. It was what The Undertaker acknowledged. The Undertaker is still undefeated at Wrestlemania. Even after 20 years, he holds the record of staying the winner in whatever hell has been through. But somewhere, in the depths of his soul even He, The Great Undefeated Undertaker is waiting ... He is waiting for that one opponent who will finally end it. Who will put an end to the streak. You see, Taker wants to be free now. He has fought long and hard. And now, his soul wants to be amongst the angels. He wants this greatness to come to an end. But he wants it from an opponent who is fitting enough for the curse Taker will leave behind because whoever that man will be, he will forever be known as The Man Who Ended The Streak. Do you understand what I am trying to say here? Even I am looking for such an opponent. An opponent who will finally put me to rest ...

"The salvation of this human world lies nowhere else than in the human heart, in the human power to reflect, in human meekness and human responsibility."

-Vaclav Havel

I have always believed in fate and is destiny for I have always believed with pure conviction that we all are here for a reason. Reasons we sometimes don't understand. Some of us seek to find what that reason is while the others just wither through life without actually living it. Through all the turmoils and questions and road bumps I have faced in life I have come to understand that I was always meant to be a Fighter. I may have not have the Warrior Gene in me but I consider myself one. And that is the reason why I have always been attracted towards War and Fighting. Why I have always invited Pain and Sacrifice. And that is why I do Mma. That is why I go to the Gym and make my bones feel iron. That is the reason I choose Greatness over Love and that is the reason I choose to be alone rather than being around people. It was only a few days ago that I was doing the Big heavy in the Gym. The Dead Lifts, Squats and Bench Press. As the sets progressed the weights did too and the tougher they got. But I somehow managed to "Claim The Weight" and finish my workout properly. But while I was in that unbearable pain, I suddenly became very sad and felt very lonely. Not because of the pain but because I realised that no one will ever see this journey of mine. No one will be able to understand it. The world will just move on but I will always be here, alone, pushing bone against metal and seeking my answers through the pain and the soreness and the struggles. That no one will come and say. "It Is ok Mimoh. You Can Let Go Now. You Don't Have To Feel Anymore Pain now. You Can Be Free. You Can End It Now ... You Can End It Now ..."

"There are enough churches already, but the world still needs salvation."

-Sun Myung Moon

I never knew what Mma was until 2 years ago. I just happen to go for a boxing tryout at One Fitness in malad and that is where I first tasted the adrenaline of Mma and since that day I have become an Addict. I have been going to the same classes for the last two years and in front of my eyes I have seen so many come and go. I have seen trainers change and also the gym staff replaced but I can proudly say that I have been the one constant over there. I see people coming and trying out the class and 99% of them never come back. They consider it as a 'Fitness Class' but what they don't realise is that Mma India teaches us the sport not just the 1 2 3 you see in other gyms. And in these two years, the more I have learnt this sport the more I have become hungry for more and trust me, the more hungrier you get, the more you wanna fight and the more you wanna fight, the more you seek for an opponent who will give you that ultimate satisfaction of beating you to a pulp and making you stronger. But sadly, to this day, I haven't met him. And to be honest, every time I see a new face in class I wish that this is the guy who will face me. I have been waiting for him since the last 2 years now. I just hope I meet him someday. At times like these, I remember words from the movie Rocky Balboa when the reigning boxing champ goes to meet his trainer. The champ is tired of winning because he believes that he has defeated everyone and he has no more competition. And that is when his trainer tells him, "There Is Always Somebody Out There. Always." And remembering those words, I wait. I wait in patience when I will finally have the fight of my life. When I will punch, kick and make my opponent bleed and when he will do the same. And in the end when he will finally break me, I will tap out and he will win. And at that moment, I will hug that man for he will earn my respect for that man will finally give my fight it's meaning ...

"Our salvation is in striving to achieve what we know we'll never achieve."

-Ryszard Kapuscinski

So there you have it. My own weird eulogy. I myself think that why do I think so intense and weird half of the time. But I guess this is me. I guess I am spiritual. I know I have made my share of mistakes in the past and my actions mostly have been for the wrong reasons. But as I am coming of age, I am coming to realise many a things. And I know that I have still many more miles to go before I sleep. I still have to meet my maker. I still have the world to see, people to meet and cultures to explore. Don't take me wrong, I am not unhappy. In fact, I have never been this focused! Ever! But I know that no matter how many people I meet, I will always have these questions within me. It is like Fate is preparing me you know. I know one day My Time Will Come. One day I will be successful and one day all my dreams will come true. But I also know that even when I will have all the power, riches, fame and money in the world, my feet will find their way to the gym at 4am in the morning and my body will demand the pain of weights and the sound the make when they are racked together. My soul will again find it's way to the octagon cage and wait for that fighter to come because after all the years of fighting, you become a fighter and before you realise, fighting is what defines you. Pain becomes your strength and loneliness becomes your companion and the long empty road is where you feel at home. This has been a very personal blog to me and I hope that God upstairs finally listens to me and grants me My Honourable End 'cause he knows that when I do face my end, I won't go down without a fight. And as they say in Mma and in Boxing, "If You Are Going Down, Go Down Swinging."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am Seeking An Honourable End. Is God listening?

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"To this light, then, would I recommend all, with mine own soul, - to this sure way of salvation."

-Elias Hicks

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The Random Thoughts Of A 29 Year Old ...

"I May Be Crazy, Moody, Cranky, Stubborn, Weird And Sometimes, Down Right Heinous. But This Is Who I Am. And This Is Who I Am Always Going To Be."

- Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

I am right now, in a state of bliss. You will ask why? There are many reasons why I am feeling this right now. But to start with, all I can tell you that for the very 1st time in my life, I am in sync with my thoughts, my ideals and the path which is laid ahead of me. What is that word? Ah! Yes, Synchronicity. Now, I know what it feels like to be 'One With The Universe.' I just turned 29 a couple of days ago and for the very 1st time in the city of Mumbai, I had a Boys Night Out Birthday Celebration. As expected, it was a blast and all whom I had invited had come. I enjoyed every moment with my friends and family and the photographs taken on that day would surely remind me in my coming years that my 29th birthday was a very good one. But this blog isn't about that night. Nor about the presents or love I received that day. This is, as always, about me and my thoughts. The one constant in my life, since the last 14 years have only been my thoughts. Whether they were bad or good, they have always been there. But the funny thing about thoughts is that they come and go whenever they please and I must say, they come without warning and in random. So I thought that since I am one more step closer to my maturity, I should type out these thoughts and share them with all my readers. So here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to know what goes on in my head. Well, in a random order I should say ...

"Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood."

-Khalil Gibran

It is Saturday night. All I hear is music from restaurants and party halls. The latest Bollywood music is on full volume. But I am here, writing this blog. I ask myself, shouldn't I be out there painting the town red as well? I mean, I know I can and I do have all the freedom to do so. But then, what is stopping me? Well, it is My Thoughts. For a very long time now, I have had this one constant thought that 'Greatness Requires Sacrifice' and  in order to achieve all that I want too, I have to be strong enough to let go of my temptations. And that is why I sit here, all by myself and write this blog because I know tomorrow is Legs Day in the Gym and my sleep and recovery today will help me use all my energy for the hellish workout that awaits me tomorrow. Why do I do it you ask? Well, I have been asked this question so many a times in the past and every time I have given the same answer ... It is because I know what My priorities are. And right now, at this tangent of my life, nothing is more important for me than My training. I have been given advice from so many people before and all state that I don't have to be this stern. That I am too serious in life. That I should 'Chill'. Before, I used to retaliate. But now, I don't because I don't hang around with those people anymore 'cause they weren't the supporters, they were the dis tractors. Luckily, I now surround myself around people who understand what I am going through and who also understand that being fit isn't a way of life, it is a Lifestyle itself. And that is why I am the way I am. And maybe, this is the way I am always going to be.

"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."

-Aldous Huxley

Yesterday we were doing Legs and Power Kicks in our Mma Class along with some Knee Blocking Techniques. These exercises help us to have more flexibility and power in the legs. We also did some Conditioning to Strengthen our Shins. My Mma buddies tried as much as they could but finally gave up and told me to continue my Conditioning with our Trainer. I was up for it. As I remember, it was after the 7th or the 8th Kick that My Trainer gave a of his own and that kick hit my directly below my left ankle. And trust me, I didn't expect the pain to be that excruciating. I mean, the pain was unbearable and I knew I got hit. Al though a part of me was mad because I didn't block that kick, a part of me enjoyed that pain. And to top that I went ahead and did some more Kicking Practice on the Pad and gave it my best. Even right now, as I am writing this blog, I can feel the pain. I have been limping all day and the nerve which is swollen from the inside hasn't subsided yet. But even through the pain, I managed to do My Spinning Class and I now I will also be able to do Legs tomorrow. What is the reason of me telling you this? No. It's not because I wanna show off. And neither it is to show you all how strong I am. I know that one punch from an Mma Fighter and I am out in a second. No. I told you this because I wanna tell you that I love Pain. Yes, as weird as it may sound, I have this great connection with pain. Not self inflicted pain. But Pain caused by Labor. I love it all! The Scars, The Bruises, The Muscles when they are Sore and when I know that My Body has taken a Beating. I don't know but I have this weird thought in my head that the more pain I embrace, the stronger I will become and that is why I invite it. I welcome it with open arms and look for exercises and grueling tasks which take my body to the limit. As they say, "Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body." So whenever I go through this Pain, I tell Myself, that I am stronger than I was yesterday and one I will be The Strongest That There Is. So yes, I love Pain. Pain Is What Makes Me Stronger.

"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."

-Khalil Gibran

I am right now reading an amazing book called, 'What It Is Like To Go To War'. It is the true horrifying story of a Marine who was in Vietnam and who survived that brutal war. The more I read this book, the more I am understanding that Marine's psyche. He was a Soldier. And he did what he had to do. I mean what would you do if you were in a fire fight and your life was at stake? You would do anything to survive. They say War Changes Us. And this book shows us just that. I am so glad that I got the chance to read this book. And I hope I get a chance to meet the book's author also as I have always admired the Soldiers of the World. And the Indian Commandos and United States Marine Corps have always been my favorites. We all know that they are the true heroes and what they do is far greater than what any billionaire or a commoner can do. But what I relate most with them is the Love they have. What love you ask? It is their love for country. Their love towards their brothers in arms and Their Love To Fight. FIGHT. Wow! That word has such deep meaning in my life. All my life, I have fought and now, I am in love with it. I know there are people out there who are fighting for more righteous reasons but when I think of Myself, I ask God, The Almighty to make me fight always. Until the day I die, I want to fight. I want a Fight That Never Ends. It is because I know now that this is who I am. I am A Fighter. I am not the Normal Guy. The one from the pack. The one you will see at a party or at the Page 3 of newspapers. I am not the guy who fits in. I am now The Fighter who Stands Out.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

-Henry David Thoreau

So there you have it. The Random Thoughts Of A 29 year Old. To be honest, right now, I have a billion thoughts running in my head and I know that by the time I post this, a billion more thoughts will emerge and I will tell myself, "Damn, I should had written about this instead of that!". This thought cycle of mine is never-ending, trust me I know. But honestly, I love My thoughts 'cause it is these thoughts which make me believe more, which make me smile and they also remind me why I am here. I know I still have a long way to go but because of my thoughts and the actions they have made me do, I have come this far. Right now, I am writing this blog and in the same time trying to chat on whatsapp, listen to 'My Time Is Now' by John Cena and google Venum Clothing on the net. I know I am not great at multi-tasking but my thoughts are already in full throttle mode and they are showing how I will get inspired next. I know you maybe asking me that when I have a billion thoughts in my head, why would I only pick 2 or 3 to share? Well, these thoughts dominate my mind the most and in someway, these constant thoughts help me to become the man I wanna be. So before I go, I just wanna say that this is who I am. I am not Perfect but I love being Me. Just as, I hope you love being You. The only difference right now is that I Blog about 'cause you never know, someone, somewhere might just be inspired. The Question Is: Will You Be An Inspiration Too?

This Is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Is Who I Am. Well, A Glimpse Of It At Least.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"The difficulties you meet will resolve themselves as you advance. Proceed, and light will dawn, and shine with increasing clearness on your path."

-Jim Rohn

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#PushThePace ...

"You Can Take The Dog Out Of The Fight But You Can Never Take The Fight Out Of The Dog."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We all fight. Yes we do. I know so many people right now who are just fighting to stay alive. My prayers are with them. And even if you put on the television, all you see is death and tragedy. God knows what hell they are going through. If I had the power I would had helped all of them. But today I can't. But I know, maybe one day in the future I will have the power to change the world. So until that day comes, I have made a solemn promise to myself that I will make myself worthy of that power. And do you know how that will happen? It will happen through training. Through hours and hours in the gym and the octagon ring. It will happen by eating only chicken and eggs and fish while you see others eating pizzas and pastries. It will happen by dedicating myself towards a goal. By focusing on one particular target and devoting my every breath towards it. It will happen by eating, sleeping and drinking only one constant dream. The dream not to be better than others but to be the best version of myself. For years, I have been into fitness but trust me, there have been a billion times when I have reached plateaus and those moments have only brought me down. But now, finally, after nearly 14 years I have cracked the code. I found the secret. I know now what I need to do to reach my target. And that is #PushThePace. What is #PushThePace you ask? Well, my dear readers, get ready to find out ... :-)

I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'

-Muhammad Ali

As you know, I am huge fan of Wwe. And like the millions and millions of The Rock fans, I was thrilled to see him return to the Wwe. But what thrilled me more was his all new Physique. He looked like a Titan! And on the 1000th episode of Raw The Rock came to the ring in his new t-shirt. And in that shirt it was written, "Push The Pace Soldier". Back then, I just liked the tshirt. I thought it would be good as a collectible. But since I have started training with my new Trainer Rajendra 'Raj' Dhole, I can't stop myself from using those words in my day to day life as well! Whether I tweet or talk to people or write a Whatsapp status, #PushThePace is mentioned everywhere! And the reason that is happening is because for the very 1st time in my life, I am breaking my own records! I am picking up more than 100kgs in the weight room! I am running 10kms in 70mins! I am dieting in the most strictest form ever! So I guess I am now worthy of the hashtag and quote line, #PushThePace 'cause there is one thing I have realised and what my coach told me on day one, is that 'The Human Body Is Capable Of Remarkable Things. All We Have To Do Is Be Prepared To Push It To It's Max.' And now, thanks to my coach's gruelling and Punishing Workout Routines, I am challenging my limits. I am Pushing The Pace! :-)

Bodybuilding is much like any other sport. To be successful, you must dedicate yourself 100% to your training, diet and mental approach.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

This isn't a pompous blog. This isn't me showing off. One ting I have learnt being in this cut-throat industry is that no one is invincible and there is always somebody out there who wants to beat you. So by publishing my pics and writing how much better I am becoming I am not saying that I am better than all of you! No! No way! Never! Our industry has actors with 6 to 8 packs today and half the world is covered with men and women who have dedicated their lives to fitness and I know I am just an ant compared to them. No, this blog isn't a port folio to impress industry folks either. This blog is to motivate all those people who think they can't do it, or who presume by themselves that they don't have what it takes to become better. Trust me, I was the fat kid in school! I couldn't run even one whole lap of the school's jogging track! I was the goalie in football and the guy who stayed near the hoop in basketball cause I was tall. But I wasn't a 'Ladies Man'. I wasn't the kid you would take to prom. But here I am, living proof that anything is possible. And do you know why anything is possible for me today? Because I believe in myself and I have sworn on my soul that come what may, I will reach my goal. Not for movie deals or the chicks or to show people down but for my own fitness satisfaction. For my own pleasure and happiness when I see myself in the mirror and see my body transform into this beautiful thing. I am living proof that, 'You Can Go The Distance.' All you have to do is #PushThePace ... :-)

"Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and thus tones the spirit just as exercise conditions the body."

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Today, on the net, you will find all that you need to make the perfect body. There are the right ways and the wrong ways. There are trainers who are giving free advice. There are institutes who are willing to help you transform your body for good. The list is endless. But my readers, until YOU and only YOU to decide to change for the good none of those dieticians, trainers and institutes can do jack for you! "To See The Change On The Outside, You Must First Change From Within." You must decide with all of your heart and soul that you will do whatever it takes to reach your goal. My coach told me that the 1st thing that will change will be my life style and as he predicted, it came true. Today, my life revolves only around my training schedules. There are so many people I can't meet even if I want too. So many movies I have missed in the theatres, plays that have come and gone by and friends who are just plain disappointed. But as they say, "Nothing Good In Life Comes Easy." And to be honest it doesn't matter to me whether people understand that or not. My sleep is more important than meeting a friend for dinner. My cardio is more important than watching the latest release in the theatres. My training is more important than to go to some stupid party and pretend to like people that I don't even know. Yes, this life style is a game changer and it isn't an easy road. It takes hard work, determination and hell-of-a-lot of discipline to reach where you wanna go. Every day you are testing your limits. Every day you are pushing yourself through the pain. Every day you are breaking the norms of reality and creating your own. Remember, with every rep, you are one step closer to your goal. With every run, you are running towards the new you. With each drop of sweat, God is noticing you more 'cause, "History Wasn't Made By The Lazies. It Was Made By Men And Women Worked Their Asses Off!" 

"What we face may look insurmountable. But I learned something from all those years of training and competing. I learned something from all those sets and reps when I didn't think I could lift another ounce of weight. What I learned is that we are always stronger than we know."

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

I know I have a long way to go. In fact, to be honest, I have only just begun! There is no stopping the Will once it is set. So my dear readers, believe in yourselves. I know some of you maybe thinking that I can do this because I have the best at my disposal. Yes, I won't disagree with you. I have the best Trainer in the business with me today. I go to the best gym in Mumbai. {48 Fitness} I have meals and supplements taken care of for me. And I have immense support from my family. But my readers, I face the demons of reality too. There are days when fear creeps in and wins. It shows its ugly face and laughs and I succumb. And as my coach knows, I am an emotional eater! So I eat when I am depressed! What I am trying to tell you is that I am not Super Man and neither I am some Machine. I am just a man who is trying to outwit the devil, every single day and trust me, the devil comes in all shapes and sizes! But I #PushThePace and I run on that treadmill! I scream when I pick up those weights and I curse out loud so that the whole world can hear me roar! I scream in pain and agony but I never quit! I make time and I fight. We all are fighters and we all have our battles. Before I used to fight to put others down, now I fight just to make myself better. So my dear readers, when in doubt just look within and remember to always #PushThePace. :-)

"The purpose of training is to tighten up the slack, toughen the body, and polish the spirit."

-Morihei Ueshiba

This Is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Is Me Pushing The Pace And Reaching For The Impossible.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Safe Havens ...

"We All, At Some Point Of Our Lives, Want To Run Away From Our Realities. The Question Is Where Do We Escape Too? A Place Of Prosperity Or A Place Of Destruction."

- Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

As I sit right here, in front of my iMac. I realise that time waits for none. And this is how reality is. Every morning I wake up in this reality. A reality which offers me the simple pleasures of life and also the demons of it's brutal truth. A reality which I tell myself that will one day change for the better. I try to fight the voices in my head. I try to keep them at bay. Sometimes they win. Sometimes I do. At times I sleep like a baby and at times I can't sleep for days because of the fear that catches up with me. I keep on asking myself the same questions over and over again. I would love to share those questions with all of you too. But I am not ready. For a part of me, it will be a show of weakness and for the other side of me, it will be sheer defeat. I fight. Damn it, I fight. Even right now, I am fighting. I want to survive. I want to win. But Life is cruel sometimes. It teases you. It gives you hope and then takes it away. When I have asked friends why this happens, they say, "All happens for the good and in time you will get what you deserve." But they don't understand what I am going through. All those thoughts of fear, insecurity and doubt creep in eventually. They make me weak and they make me question my morals. So what does a man do when all doors are closed for him? What does he do when the world turns it's back on him? When no one understands him? He either gives in or finds ways to become better. This 'Become Better' method has been embedded in me since I guess, the dawn of time and maybe that is why I found a solution. Well, a temporary solution. I found my escape routes. I found My Safe Havens ...

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

-Marcus Aurelius

What are safe havens? They are places where we can go and feel secured. For me, they are more than that. My safe havens are my escapes from my reality. They make me feel happy and whenever I am there I forget all the worries of the world and I am lost in their magical powers and not even an inch of me wants to come back from there because there, I am not judged. I am not condemned. I am not hated. There, I am all by myself and my mind is in sync with my body and my body is in sync with my soul. My safe havens offer me peace. Offer me a sense of relish. At my safe havens, I know I only evolve. I only grow and there I only get better. Where are these safe havens you ask? Ha ha! Don't get your imaginations soaring now! They aren't like the floating city in Bioshock Infinite, neither they are the the state of trance you feel when you meditate. My Safe Havens are My Activities. Yes! My Activities, my hobbies, the things I do to keep my mind busy. Things which require my mind and body to always be attuned. Come on now, don't give me that "Huh?" expression. This blog is for My Safe Havens and in the following paragraphs, I am going to explain to you how my hobbies have now become my Safe havens ...

Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice.

-Ayn Rand

Haven No.1: 

My Training. Yes. Whether it was Mma till a month ago or the 'Balls-To-Your-Mouth' routine with My new awesome coach Raj, My Training has always been my greatest stress reliever and the best part of training is that it takes up nearly half my day and whenever I step into 48 fitness gym or start running in the treadmill or see the disco lights in the spinning room, I know I am going to have one hell of a time because during training, I am only progressing. When I feel the sweat flowing down my forehead, when my muscles are pumped with blood, I know I am at my haven. And the sounds of dumbbells dropping and others screaming in agony when they life heavy metal, those sounds and things make me feel at peace. So yes, My Training is My Haven No.1. :-)

Haven No.2:

My Video games. As I have mentioned before I am a big gamer and I love everything about video games. And in one recent study, scientists have said that video games help reduce stress and help people relax. That is exactly what happens to me whenever I catch the Ps3 remote. I know that the following 60mins is gonna be filled with excitement, thrills and an adrenaline rush! And sometimes, when I am completely hooked on to the game, I even loose track of time! And since the dawn of time, there have been many things that I haven't dealt with and I know a part of me is always angry because of that. But video games really help to calm the beast within me. And as I mentioned in a few blogs earlier, there is something darkly good to kill and burn your enemies when you are playing video games. So yes, My Video games are My Safe Haven No.2. :-)

Haven No.3:

My Books. Since january, I have got this crazy thirst to read books. Not fiction but rather Non-fiction. Whether it was No Easy Day, Total Recall, Dream After Dreams or Dongri To Dubai which I just finished a few days back, non-fictions have caught me by the hook and I don't wanna let go. Fictions always made me imagine stuff but these great Non-Fictions make me relive all these moments and incidents which I read. It is like I am there and all of this is unfolding in front of me! And I make it a point to carry my 'Currently-Reading' book wherever I go and since Mumbai is filled with traffic everywhere, reading a good book after my voice practice during the jams is a great way to reach a place of complete concentration and also a place where my mind can't be disturbed. So yes, Books are My Safe Haven No.3. :-)

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.

-J. Donald Walters

There are many more safe havens that I have in my life. Whether it is watching Movies, playing with my pets and even blogging, they all contribute to make me feel good and give me hope when I bounce back to reality. For the record, I am not broken. Well, not yet. I still have a lot of fight left in me and until I can, I will fight. I still have many dreams that I wish that come true. And the dreams that top that list is me living my life the way I want too. Me travelling the world and me finally fulfilling my destiny. I know that one day I will see all these beautiful dreams turn into reality and then I will only cry in happiness. But until those dreams come true and I am where I want to be and until my reality bitch slaps me every 5mins I know I have my safe havens to go too. I am proud of my safe havens because I am not ashamed to admit that even I need some running away. Even if that running away is an hour of training or a few stages in a video game or some chapters in a book. So before I go I only ask this one question. Do You Have Your Safe Havens?

It is vain for the coward to flee; death follows close behind; it is only by defying it that the brave escape.

-Voltaire

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And These Are My Safe Havens.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

F A T E ...

"One day I will rule the world. One day, there will be monuments on my name. I will conquer mountains and steal the hearts of millions. But no matter what I do, I know I will never be able to escape my fate."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

Right now I am at the special screenings of #Enemmy. The reason I am using # before Enemmy is because it is the twitter hashtag for all of you to read all the news and related articles of #Enemmy. So please feel free and tweet all that you can about #Enemmy. And yes, the film releases tomorrow. It is only a mere 24hrs away. You may ask me how I am feeling. Well, the only answer I will give you is that I am in a state of numbness. That is how I kept myself composed during Rocky's release too. But underneath this Punisher tshirt and Diesel Jeans and Wax-Used Hair, you will see a man who is coming to terms with his own self. Coming to terms with certain truths of life. And as they say, 'The Truth Shall Set You Free.' And it has. We have 3 screenings today of #Enemmy. One for the press, one for family and friends and one for the people from the industry. Just a day ago, I would really want my close friends and family to be with me during these screenings to lend me support. But today, I am all by myself here. It's not that they can't be here. It is just that I know I have to do this by myself. As I said, "A Man Can Do Many A Things In His Life Span But What He Can't Do Is Escape His Fate" And now, I will tell you why …

Love cannot save you from your own fate.

-Jim Morrison

Throughout my life I have lived by one code. And one code only. That 'Greatness Requires Sacrifice'. That in order to reach the pinnacles of stardom and ultimate supremacy one must be ready to sacrifice anything and everything, even if that means the happiness you receive from others or the comfort that they provide you. But since january, my outlook had kinda changed. I started to believe that life can actually be simple and even a man like me can enjoy the simple pleasures of life. In other words, I started to get soft. But Fate always shows us the way and we all know through experience that Fate is a very strict teacher and it will do whatever is necessary, to show us where we are meant to go and how should we go about it. Lately, circumstances and realisations have brought me back to the place I always belonged. And that is, My Path To Greatness. Today, writing this blog, I only feel peace. I only feel right. I only feel a sense of belonging. I can now say, "I Am Home." Of course, many a people who will read this blog will think I am going Dark again or I am spacing out again. Some may even feel insecure and a certain paranoia. But I am not going dark or sith. I am attuned with my Fate now. And when a man does that, he has nothing to fear … He only has things to embrace.

It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate.

-Henry David Thoreau

I know I have changed now. And I also know that I can't undo what I have down in the past. But just like Kratos in God Of War 3, I finally came to terms with myself and started forgiving myself for the sins I committed. If I wasn't a changed man today, I wouldn't had gone to all the Shrines, Temples and Churches and pleaded to God for forgiveness. I wouldn't have new notions of life which told me to do the right thing more than the popular thing. I know I am not any messiah but I know I am on the path of my own redemption. But in the same time, I am on a journey of self-discovery. God has said in all of his books that "More than seeking the answers outside, seek them within and you shall fine what you are looking for." And that is what I am exactly doing. And the more I ask, the more I receive. Yes, this is a journey. But this is a journey I have to walk alone. But do you know what is more exciting than Fate showing me the way? What is more exhilarating than the fact this is how it was always meant to be? It is The Truth. But do you know what the truth is? The Truth is that for the last 14 years this is how I always wanted it to be! This is how I wanted it to play out. This is how I wrote the story of my life. And now I am glad that it is …

Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.

-Les Brown 

Since 2005, I have had one constant in my life. The Punisher. He has been my symbol of strength and courage. He has been my only friend {besides Michael} who has always stood besides me and guided me further. I know, many of y'all won't understand. But I promise one day, I will tell you all about the deep-rooted connection I have with The Punisher. Today, standing in this preview theatre I am wearing the Skull t-shirt {The Punisher's Symbol} not only because I love it so much but also because I am reminding myself of who I truly am. They say, "You become the company that you hang around with." And in this case, I have become like The Punisher or as Fate wants to put it, more like the man who will one day resemble The Punisher's attributes. I have realised and I have come to terms with the fact that I can never go soft. I may not think bad about others or use Hate as my fuel today but I know now that I can never be normal. Fate never planned Normal for me. I was always meant for other things. Things that demand a certain amount of sacrifice. Things that require me to take decisions which will ultimately culminate to me being by myself. So as they say, "You Can't Fight Fate."

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.

-Donald Trump 

I am in the last paragraph of my blog now but that doesn't mean that this story ends here. No, this story has only just begun. I always knew that I was The Lone Wolf. I always knew that My Fate will always show me the way. And today the road is as clear as crystal. Today, there are no doubts or fears. Today, there is only the truth. The Righteous Truth which will take me to where I was meant to go. You know, sometimes we want people to fill that empty frame. Sometimes we want the gaps to get filled but for me, the truth is that, that Picture Frame only belongs to me. Those holes require filling up only by me. This journey demands my walk. A walk with no one to walk with. I don't know what is in stored for me in the future. I don't know what will be the verdict of #Enemmy. All I know is that I have a journey to look forward too. A journey which will make me travel the world and maybe even into space. A journey which will push my limits and take me into the oblivion. A journey which will make me realise that I can be a man of greatness more than love. A journey that will make me numb to emotions and more powerful to face the demons in the closet. A journey that My Fate has bestowed upon me.

To live alone is the fate of all great souls.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am Exactly Where Fate Wants Me To Be.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"Far From Home. This song is by the band Five Finger Death Punch and it is truly one of the most soulful and touching songs that I have ever heard. It connects with me deeply because I have always felt that I will be the out cast and that I can never be normal. And I will always belong out there. In the wilderness. And no matter how much I seek for forgiveness, heaven's gate will never open for me." - Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Road To Redemption ...

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.

-Tennessee Williams

Fate. It is attached to all of us and I have come to realise that we all are meant to do what we are meant to do. Right now, sitting in the flight en route back to mumbai from jaipur, I again ask myself the questions. You know, those un answered questions which creep in my thoughts. Questions that seek answers. Questions that need to know the truth. And so I ask myself again with the hope that my questions will be answered by the almighty universe. But before I venture ahead with questions and thoughts that are worthy of denial, I must say and confess a few things. I am not the blogger I used to be. And that saddens me. I still love blogging but now, I don't know why, I blog very less. I hope this changes in the days to come and I go back to my weekly blogging. Blogging, just like writing in a journal has always been very therapeutic for me and I pray that I keep on doing it for the rest of my life. Irrespective whether my blogs get an audience or not.  I am promoting Enemmy as much as I can and I pray everyday that the people find Enemmy worthy to go and watch it in the theatres on the 21st of june. I was growing my hair for a 'trial run' but I recently again cut it short because Short Hair spikes up my confidence a thousand folds! My Parents, being the blessings that they are have appointed a new trainer for me. He is a rock star and extremely dedicated and pushing me above the plateau I was in for a while when it came to My Training and Dieting. And as I mentioned a few lines earlier, I am right now going back to mumbai from jaipur. Well, I wasn't in jaipur for filming or for a holiday. Me and My Family had gone to the Ajmer Darga to receive blessings for health, happiness, prosperity and Enemmy. And when I was there, I was prepared to ask and plead for the same but something in me told me to ask for something else. And so I did. Want to know what that is? Well bloggers, I asked for Forgiveness. And I pleaded that one day, I want to find my Redemption …

The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it 

means sacrifice or some difficult times.

-Patti Smith

If you look up the word Redemption in the dictionary, the meaning would be 'Deliverance From Sin'. Sin. God, I know how many of those I have done. And to this day, those sins haunt me. They remind me of the monster that I was and send shivers down my spine when they make me realise that I am still very much that same monster. But something in me has changed. I know it has. Call it my insecurity or my fear, whether it is related to my career or myself, I know I have taken steps to change and to be a better person. But no good deed goes un punished and I know that I have to face trail for the sins I have done. Everything in life comes with a price and for a guy like me, who has only made deals with the devil, looking up to god for forgiveness wouldn't be an easy task. But still here I am, confessing to god in my own weird way for his forgiveness and a chance to be a better man. In the years that lay ahead of me, I don't want to be a better person than my peers or my mentors, I just want to be the best version of myself. And I hope and pray that I have the strength to do that. This Road to Redemption of mine has been more like going to rehab. And as every addict out there who wants a second chance to a better life, I am trying to fight my inner demons and trying to kill them one by one. I love a fight but to be honest, I never thought I am going to go against the very things who made me the way I am! And my demons are stubborn! They just don't quit! Well, I won't blame them. They were made that way. It is not the demons in my mind that are the problem, it is the people that I face who are my greatest challenge. At times like these, I only remember the words from The Godfather Part 3. "Just when I was about to go out, they pulled me right back in!"

Redemption just means you just make a change in your 

life and you try to do right, versus what you were doing, 

which was wrong.

-Ice T 

In my life's journey, my biggest challenge has always been people. Whether it was to impress them or make them like me or get their approval, I was, at one point of time completely convinced that my life can only go ahead if I am approved by the people. of course, my career surely demands that but until a while ago, I thought that my entire life required that! And so, in that journey, I had lost myself. I don't know where I was headed and before you know it, I was a changed man. We human beings have this notion that one day we can become invincible. It is Hard for me to agree to this but I thought the same once too. And in this false notion I started doing things without thinking of the after math. But today I know, every choice has an affect. Good or bad, the choice will always bear fruit and one day, the bubble will burst. But when I realised all of this, I know it was too late. There was nothing that I could had done to fix the damage that I had done. All my haters and the people I have wronged will surely be spitting on my face right now and to be honest, they have all the right to do so. But believe it or not, this isn't an act. This is a sincere apology. An apology from the bottom of my heart to the ones I have wronged. I know I can't change the hurt I have caused but I promise you that I will never do it again to anyone else. My conscious screams at me now. Telling me to man the fuck up and write this blog leaving my pride and ego aside and truly ask for forgiveness from the people I have wronged and also from god. I just hope in this journey of mine I am truly forgiven because more than the wealth and happiness that god blesses us with, I need his forgiveness. At least until I meet him at my time of passing.

The fact is there is forgiveness for those who seek God. 

And I believe in the power of redemption.

-Rick Perry

At times like these I only remember the episodes from the hit tv show Angel. I have mentioned Angel before but I have to talk about him again. In mostly all the episodes he is confronted my monsters who lurk in the darkness but more than the monsters he faces on the streets, he faces his true demons within. And he is always on the quest for redemption and he believes that one day, his soul will become pure again. That one day, he will be forgiven. I know that forgiveness doesn't come easy. It doesn't come by holding your hands and crying to the almighty for forgiveness, It comes by doing what one has never down before. It comes by doing the Good. Yes, the Good. I know that word and me don't go hand to hand but under these circumstances the Good is the only thing that is keeping me going. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that there is still some good left in me and now, I want to concentrate all of my energies to flourish this powerful good. I want to be a better person and right now, even though I may not change the world I know I can start by being a better person for the people who still love me. In today's world, there is a lot scarcity of love. So I am not going to be stupid and ruin what love I have left in me to give to the ones who have loved me unconditionally even when I was more of a monster than a normal human being. They deserve only my love now and even when the world throws hate at me and reminds me of my past mistakes, I want to only give love in return. For I know now, that more than hate, it is love that will triumph in the end. And the more I become a better person, the sooner god will take notice of my actions and grant me my forgiveness. 

I guess darkness serves a purpose: to show us that 

there is redemption through chaos. I believe in that. I 

think that's the basis of Greek mythology.

-Brendan Fraser 

As I mentioned before, I know I fucked up and I know that no matter what I do, I can't change what I have done. But I also do know that the future is still a vast landscape and it is in my hands to choose the right choices. Before my conscious was asleep. But now, it has awakened and it gives me the strength to come face to face with my own horrors. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. And I read somewhere that in order to be a good person, all we have to do is give love and happiness, even if it is one soul at a time. And now, on the verge of Enemmy's release that is exactly what I am trying to do. Once again, to all those that I have wronged I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I have done and I hope that in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive me. I know pain only gives hate but if we can hate, we can love too. And I hope one day that happens. I know that I have embarked on a very long journey but all great journeys begin with a single step. I want to change. I want to be a good person and I want to find my redemption. This is a public forum and that is why I am not mentioning the names of the people who have been associated with me. You can call me a coward or whatever name you would like to give me but believe it or not, I have always had sheer respect for all of you. I hope one day, in this life or the next, I am forgiven. And if this journey requires me to walk alone, then so be it. For I know that this is fate's undertaking. I don't know what lies in front of me. All I know that I have the power to choose even though freedom sometimes only feels like an illusion. That topic is for some other day. Going to ajmer was surely an eye opener to me. They say he calls you to him. And once you go there, if you ask something with all the purity of your heart, it will come true. I just hope that I have that purity left in me.

Life is full of constant ups and downs, and all I ask for is 

redemption in the end.

-Robin Thicke 

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This is My Road To Redemption. I Just Hope I Find It.

With All My Might,

Your No:1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

P.S. God, I Hope You Are Listening.