The God Of War ...

"The Day, When I Am At The Top Of The Mountain. When I Have It All. The Day When I Am Asked, How Did You Make It So Far? ... I Will Tell Them That It Wasn't Through Compassion Or Love. But Through Battles And Wars."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

I guess in our lives, all of us had our chats with God. You know, our private sessions. Our One-On-Ones. Our secrets to share and our sins to forgive. We all have at least once in our lives spoken to god. Whether it was for peace, wealth, fame or love. We all have asked for help. I know this because I have been one of them. My life, like everyone's else's, has been a struggle of ups and downs. Good days and bad. So I know and relate to all of you in some way or another. But this blog isn't about my conversations with god. You see, when I asked him all my questions, he didn't reply back and I felt kinda hurt by that. I know he has the whole universe to take care of but I still felt that he abandoned me. I know I am in a safe and better position than many others who are in worse. But I am not comparing myself to those people now. To be honest, I find them to be more tougher than I am. Being in worser conditions and still believing in their dreams and never giving up. I salute them for this. But again, this blog isn't about them either. This blog is a reflection or an inspired version of a conversation I had with a God sometime back. Which God you ask? Well, I am talking about Ares. The God Of War. Yes, I know I may sound cuckoo to you now but I assure you that by the end of this blog, you will know why I did and what I did it for. You see, sometimes, god doesn't come knocking on your door to rescue you. Sometimes you have to knock on a few doors yourself. And sometimes, it isn't God that opens the door for you. Sometimes, it is someone else completely. So my fellow readers, below is my Conversation with the God Of War ...

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."

-Winston Churchill

Me: Hello Ares, It Is Me.

Ares: Welcome. Oh should I say, welcome back. You have been gone for a while.

M: Yes My Lord. I was gone. In fact, I left. And I thought I would never come back. I ... I thought I would have a normal life. I had thought that I could prosper with love and purity.
A: And what did you learn by embarking on this 'new' path of yours?
M: At first, I felt I had changed. I felt the change in me also. I met people who I started calling my friends. I felt better and much at peace and I thought that it was wrong for me to hate. But now ...
A: Now? What is it that you feel? Tell me, what is it that you feel?
M: I ... I feel empty my lord. I feel like a ghost who is a part of the mist. Who is not here and neither there. I feel like an empty vessel.
A: So, you have come to me for help huh? You come to me 'cause no one else was helping you. Isn't it?
M: No my lord. It isn't because of that. I have returned to you because something in me was telling me too. Like, it was guiding me to you. Like it wanted to be a part of you again.
A: Your words flatter me mortal. But they don't impress me. You know who I am, don't you? I am The god Of War. I am Ares. I bring Chaos and Death and Misery to all who summon me. Even My Father Zeus is against my tactics. And you are just a mortal. I can squash you right now or make you burn in the underworld for a 1,ooo millenniums.
M: You are right to Punish me, my lord. I should had never left you. I beg you to show me mercy and to take me back. I beg you to save me.
A: Save you? Ha! Ha! Ha! You amuse me mortal. I can't save you. I can only damn you to war. I can only bring you battles and war. Is that what you want? Is that what you truly want?
M: YES. Yes, my lord. That is what I want. I want battles and fights. And I want a War that will never end. A. War. That. Never. Ends.
A: For a mortal, you are very good with your words. Ok. I will grant you your wish. But first you to accept this. Accept this completely. Without hesitation or count. Pure acceptance. And trust me mortal, once you accept there will be no going back. Do you accept?
M: YES. I accept.
A: Ok. Then let us begin.

"The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

A: Do you know what war is?
M: Yes, it is place of warriors and men of steel.
A: True. But war is more than that. Do you want me to explain?
M: Yes my lord. Please.
A: War is a place for the wicked. It is a place where all the good and evil come together for their judgement. It is a place where all humanity is lost. It is a place where men shed their clothes of sheep and roar as lions. It is a place where hell is born. A dark place where innocence is lost. A place no man ever wants to see. A place of horrors. Not the horrors of human flesh and rotten bodies but the horrors that possess within the souls of every man. War is a place where you know who you truly are. Where you aren't fighting the enemy. It is a place where you are fighting yourself. I have seen war. I created it 'cause I realised the human need for it. Since the dawn of man, man has made spears to kill and used hands to strangle. Man, is my ultimate weapon. And sooner or later, all men are lead to war. Some wear uniforms. Some give in to their own monsters. That is the true meaning of War. That is what War is. The Killer of Man and his innocence.
M: I have always felt drawn towards it my lord. Like a calling. Like there is something out there waiting for me. But I never fully understood it. I never really could come around it. But now I know what it was. It was the calling of war.
A: How did you realise this was your calling mortal?
M: It is because instead of looking for answers outside, I searched within me.
A: Yes. That is the only way you will ever know who you are.
M: But my lord, I have seen people change through love. I have seen love make monsters into men. I have seen Hulks and Beasts become Givers and Saints. Then why not me, my lord? Why did I come back?
A: You were always meant for this mortal. Ever since you were born, you were chosen for this path. You were chosen by me.
M: Really my lord? You chose me? What was so special in me that you saw?
A: I saw power in you. True power. A power that doesn't come from love. But a power that comes from darkness. From a place of purity. And that is why I chose you.
M: But my lord, if you chose me, then why did you let me go away?
A: I let you go because I wanted you to realise yourself who it is that you truly are. No god or man or love or friend or family or foe can show you that. You alone had to make this journey to realise who you truly are. And you see, here you are. Where it all began. Where you truly belong.
M: Then why all the hardships my lord? Why all the anguish and struggles and pain and guilt?
A: Those were your trials. Those were your tests. To see whether you break or not. 'Cause what I have planned for you is far more than you can ever imagine.
M: You are right my lord. I am more of a man today than the day I left you. Life has taught me many a things but the one thing I have understood completely is that we are who we are and one way or another, we always come home. We always come back full circle. We always come to our beginnings.
A: Yes. And now you are ready.
M: Ready? Ready for what my lord?
A: To become like me. To become The God Of War.

"If we don't end war, war will end us."

-H. G. Wells

M: What?!? Me! And The God Of War? How my lord?
A: It is because I believe in you. And there is something about you. Something my father Zues said that I possessed when I was just a boy. He saw it in my eyes.
M: What was it that he saw?
A: He say emptiness in me. An emptiness he knew that could never be filled with love. But an emptiness that could only be filled with War.
M: You are right my lord. I tried to love. I tried to forgive. And I tried to forget. But when I did all those things, I felt something dying in me. I could hear a 1,000 screams from within me. Like they were burning. At first I thought I got rid of my demons. That I was a free man. But then I realised I wasn't a free man. I was a nobody. I was a body without a soul. A Voice without a sound. A Food without a taste. I was a man without purpose. Love took the one thing that mattered to me. Love took away my purpose. And then one day I closed my eyes and searched within. I searched deep within to find the answers. To know who I truly was. And then, suddenly, in a flash of a second I saw it. That glowing fire out their in the horizon. And I heard my calling. I heard my calling for War. It was like nothing I had heard before. There was a sanity to this siren. There was a disturbing peace to it.
A: Yes. It is because you heard Purity. You heard the Call Of War. Not the call of Hate.
M: Are Hate and War two separate things?
A: Of course they are! Hate is for Hades. He feeds on fear and despair. I feed on War. At first, when you had come to me, you were a young boy. Silly and Confused. You didn't know the difference between Hate and War. That is why you went and hurt others. You took pleasure in their pain 'cause you thought your pain would mean something if you saw others in pain too. But then one day, you grew up. And you started to see the difference. You saw Hate only gives you more hate. But War ... War gives you power.
M: But the world won't understand this, would they? If I ever try to make them understand my story, on why I chose War, they will cast me out. Wouldn't they?
A: The world and the people in it only cast out and banish the things they don't fully understand.
M: Yes. That is why I always felt they never understood me. They cared for me. They loved me. But somehow they could never fill me up. They could never solve the riddle that is me. They always left me emptier. Always with a bigger hole in my heart. Always with more despair than joy. And that is why I want to be heard. I want the world to listen. Even if they don't understood, I want them to listen.
A: I understand what you are gong through. And I will grant you your wish mortal. I will mould you and design you and make you my weapon of justice. I will give you scars, wounds and bruises. I will give you pain which will only make you stronger. I will give you a war that never ends. But know this, what you ask for comes with a great price and sacrifice. Are you willing to accept this?
M: YES.
A: I knew you would say that.

"There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others."

-Niccolo Machiavelli

A: What you ask is of grave importance mortal. Many have tried to walk this journey but only a handful have reached the other side.
M: I am willing to accept whatever it is you have to offer me my lord. I have reached this juncture of my life where I know finally, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is I truly am. I am a Soldier of War. I am a Monster. A Beast. A Man Who wants to taste his own blood and drown in it. I know pain only satisfies me. I know this journey is mine and mine alone and what I ask from you will rip away all the shreds of normality I have left. But I need it my lord. I need this fire. This burning demon in me. I want him to awaken and make me burn in his wrath. I want to wake up everyday with that power. With that indestructible force of the god of war. I want to live again. And I know that the only way I can do that is by kneeling down to you.
A: What you seek is power. True power. And true power only comes when you are tested. And I will test you. I will take away all that love you possess. I will rip away your reality and make you bound to the fires of war. You will be alone again. You will be in darkness. All the ones who love you will hate you again. They will fear you. They will leave you. For they will not understand you. You will be my servant. And I will treasure you. I will feed in your battles and I will relish in your pain. I will make you go through suffering like you have never imagined. I will take you back to your darkness and destroy all the light. But I swear I will not abandon you. I will make you my weapon. You will become the greatest man that ever walked the earth. One day a time will come when I will show you to the world and they will be in awe of you. All will bow down to you and even the gods will notice you. Zeus himself will come down from olympus and praise you. I will make you my greatest tool. I will make you a God Of War.
Me: End my suffering my lord. Make me return to the fire. Give me a War that Never Ends. Show me the way. Answer my prayers. Hear my calling. Give me what I want. Make me who I truly am.
Ares: Pray And You Shall Receive, My Student. Ask And You Shall Be Given, My Son. Seek And Shall Find. My God Of War.

This Is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am ... The God Of War.

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"In peace, sons bury their fathers. In war, fathers bury their sons."

-Herodotus

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Superman Will Come ...

"We All Are Human. No Matter How Crude, Selfish Or Evil Our Choices Or Circumstances Make Us, We Are Human. And If We All Are One Under God, Then We All Need Saving. We All Need Our Saviours. We All Need Our Super Mans."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

There was once a boy. A very long time ago. He was just like you and me. A boy who had many dreams and aspirations. A boy who wanted to grow up and be just like you and me. This boy did have a normal childhood. You know, school and tuitions and friends and the stuff. He wasn't popular or good-looking. But he wasn't that bad either. He was the kid who liked everyone. And he always wanted to be liked by others as well. He tried his best to fit in but fate didn't want that for him. He had friends and family who loved him and who were there for him. But as time went by and this boy started growing up he started to see the world from a completely different point of view. He in a way 'Woke Up' from his imaginary world and started to see that this world and especially the people in it who weren't as nice as they seem. And piece by piece, his world came crashing down. And when that happened, this boy cried. And he cried a lot 'cause the people who were known to be his friends left him and the ones who he thought were family back stabbed him. He understood that in order to survive in this world even he has to become selfish. And so the boy who only wanted love became the boy who started thinking only about himself. But even though the devil had corrupted him and his pain was the only thing that drived him ahead, there was a voice in him. A voice which was still connected to god. And even though that voice was now only a whisper somewhere deep in him, this boy could sense that voice. And he later realised that this voice was Hope. Hope calling out at him and telling him that God hasn't forgotten him. That God still loves him. And if he clings on to this Hope, one day everything is going to be alright. And one day his Superman Will Come ...

"In each individual the spirit is made flesh, in each one the whole of creation suffers, in each one a Savior is crucified."

-Hermann Hesse

So who is Superman? For the world He is The Man Of Steel. A Saviour sent to us from the Heavens. He is the one of the greatest Super Heroes we have. And even for this boy Superman was his Hero. This boy really loved Superman. He used to dress up as him and read all his Comics and watch his Films. And every night he would look up at the stars and gaze at them and he used to wait. He would wait for his Superman to come. Every night, without fail, he would gaze up and wait for him. He was convinced that Superman Will Come for him. And in this wait many years went by and this boy saw the world change in front of him. Friends became enemies. Enemies became friends. Dictators were over-run by the leaders of the free world. People uniting for causes and killing each other for others. He saw life unfold in a way he didn't expect. And when this boy started his journey of becoming a man he saw that in order to succeed he became a very selfish human being. He started hurting others and never repented for it. He thought this was his ticket to success. That Hate is more powerful than love and we can only achieve success by taking things from others, not earning them on our own. For many years he walked on this evil path and before he knew it, he forgot that he used to gaze at the stars. He stopped waiting for His Superman. And then this boy realised that he stopped believing in the one man that was his hero. This boy walked down that path of darkness so far, that he was afraid that he would never see the light again. But then, one night, when the night sky was as bright as day, he went and gazed at the stars again. He looked up and said sorry. He was sorry that he forgot. He was sorry that he was so angry. He was sorry that he was selfish. But before he left the stars to do their twinkling he told them that underneath all that hate, he was still that little boy who was waiting for His Superman ...

"When our Heavenly Father placed Adam and Eve on this earth, He did so with the purpose in mind of teaching them how to regain His presence. Our Father promised a Savior to redeem them from their fallen condition."

-Ezra Taft Benson

Many years passed by. This boy started to change. He started becoming a better person. He left his darkness. He went on the path of redemption. More than success, he started looking for forgiveness 'cause he had to let go of the burden of guilt that he carried. This boy wanted to change and change for the better, for the rest of his life. Every day he would get up and promise god that he would be a better person than he was yesterday. And this boy tried. He tried a lot. And as time passed, he started to see the changes. He started meeting people who really loved him. His sins started to dissolve and slowly he started seeing the light. He felt the glow in his heart. And again, as a ritual he started visiting the stars. And again, he started waiting for his superman. The more he waited, the more his faith grew. And so did his dreams. That little child in him, who had those grand dreams awakened again. And this boy started to see the beauty in everything and also the beauty in his dreams. He started to smile and started to believe again. Hope returned to him and with each passing moment this boy only became better. And one day, his friends asked him, "Why do you go up and look at the stars like that?" And he said, "I look at them 'cause I am waiting for My Superman to come." His friends laughed at him. They all thought he was childish and crazy. And they told him that there is no such thing as superman in real life! He is only a comic book hero. But he just looked at them and smiled 'cause within him his voice told him to always have hope 'cause one day his superman would come ...

"Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering."

-Ezra Taft Benson

Life went steady for this boy then. He met many people. Some were nice. Some were nicer. But all had one thing in common. The practicality of life. None of them believed in what the boy believed in. But that didn't matter to him. He continued to pursue his dreams. And he felt that very soon they will be within his grasp. But Fate didn't want it that way and with one harsh blow, Fate took everything away from this boy. It crushed his dreams. It destroyed his faith and left him alone. And he was all alone. And when he was alone, all made fun of him and his dreams and his beliefs and they told him that they were right. 'Cause even in his darkest hour, His Superman didn't come to save him. And even though the boy was hurt, he made a promise to himself that he will never hate again. He will never walk in the path of darkness again. And so the boy stood up again and started walking. Again, towards the directions of his dreams. It was very tough for this boy 'cause no one still believed in him. And the world forgot about him. They didn't care whether he was alive or dead. They moved on. But the boy kept walking. The boy never stopped gazing at the stars. And everyday he would look at them and wait. And wait for his superman to come. This boy still walks you know. Even though there are times when he feels very alone and defeated he still walks because he believes one day everything is going to be ok. One day, even he will be saved. one day, this pain will go away. One day, his prayers will be answered. And One Day, His Superman Will Come ...

"If you were not a sinful, polluted, helpless, and miserable creature, this Savior would not be suited to you, and you would not be comprehended in his gracious invitations to the children of men."

-Archibald Alexander

Today, if you see this boy you will be surprised by his appearance. And at first you may think and guess, why does this boy needs saving? This boy today smiles and greets everyone he meets. He gives respect to all and avoids doing the wrong things in life. This boy may look like he needs nothing but if you look closely, he still needs saving. He still needs his superman. This boy may not go to temples, churches or mosques but he still looks up at the heavens. He is still alone. He is still silently screaming. He is still in pain. 'Cause it gets hard for him. But this boy never gives up. He gets up every time he falls. 'Cause this boy is still a believer and hope is still attached to him. Today when people still make fun of him and his superman, he stills smiles back at them. When they ask him, "Where is your superman?", he replies by saying, "He is coming. He is just running a little late. You see, he hasn't forgotten me. He is superman. he has got the world to save. But he will come. And until he comes, I will wait for him. I will fight all the obstacles that lay in my path. I will fight my hate. I will see the good in everything. I will love more. And I will stumble and fall and cry but I will still walk ahead. I will still believe in my dreams. I will pay the price for the pain I have caused. I will carry the burden of my sins. I will still believe in the beauty of my dreams. And I will everyday gaze at the heavens and wait for him. 'Cause one day he will write my name in the clouds. one day, he will come. He will come and save me. 'Cause I am human, just like all of you and even I have the right to be happy. Even I have the right to be loved and to be cared. Even I have the right to succeed. And even though none of you believe in you, I will always believe in myself. I will cry countless nights and sometimes the pain will be unbearable to bare but I will never quit. 'Cause I will always have My Hope. I will always My faith. And that is something you can never take away from me. And I pity all of you 'cause when you grew up, you killed that little dreamer in you. That little child who believed in his heroes. Who believed in miracles. He saw the beauty in everything. My Little Child is still within me and he stills waits for his Superman and he and I both know that one day Superman Will Come."

Superman. Will. Come.

Yes. He. Will. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I never knew that, that Boy was Me.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"We All Need Saving. Some Way Or The Other. We All Need Our Saviours."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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Before The Year Ends ...

"The One Thing I Have Learnt From Life Besides Being Grateful Is To Stay Humble. And I Will Continue To Remain Humble, No Matter How Great A Height I Reach In The Future."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Hello my friends. Only a day left in 2013. I bet all of you are preparing for the new year eve's party in your cities and towns and I guess many of you have travelled vast distances to enjoy the global celebration in different countries. I wish you all the most happiness in this moment and I wish you all from the bottom of my heart the very best for 2014. I hope 2013 went they way you had planned and if it didn't, don't worry, you have a whole new year which awaits you. A year filled with hopes, dreams and possibilities. And whatever your New Year Resolutions are, I hope you make them come true as well 'cause remember, "I Will" Is More Powerful Than "I Can". And as for me, I will be in the gym and then home with the family. We aren't the outgoing types so that is why we will ordering take out and chilling together. I think maybe I will watch The Punisher and Punisher War Zone on dvd back to back. Let's see. But before that Gigantic Ball comes down in town square and before all the phone lines get jammed I thought I will write my last blog entry for the year 2013. I know I can't write every event that happened in this year but I can surely share with you all the moments that changed me 'cause after all, we aren't evolving if we aren't growing and becoming better human beings. So here it goes, the last entry of 2013, "Before The Year Ends" ...

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

-John Wooden

Time really flies in light speed and before you know it a whole year passes by. We go through so much in these 365 days but when the year comes to an end, it all feels like a blink of an eye. I know I have seen many ups and downs in this past year. And sometimes I also thought that this was my toughest, worst and darkest year yet. There were even times when I felt like quitting. I went through shitty mood swings and terrible days which were filled with tears, anger and frustration. But this blog won't exploit that area because no matter how many dreadful moments I faced this year, I know I went through many happy moments also. And one of my new year resolutions is to be more grateful and stick to being grateful no matter whatever I am going through. Trust me, the moment you trigger the 'Being Grateful' senses you actually start feeling better 'cause you start focusing on the things in your life which make you feel really very happy. And this year if there is one thing which really made me happy it was finding Rajendra Dhole, My Fitness Trainer since June 2013. I thank my mom for this. She persuaded me to be under a well renewed trainer and thanks to Nikki {My Saviour for more reasons than One} I met Raj sir and since I have been training with him, I am feeling like a better man. Every Training session with him is like a boon for me. I am getting better and stronger and I have seen remarkable changes in me in only 6 months, which I didn't see in me for the last 15 years! So yes, I thank my coach from the bottom of my heart for believing in me, guiding me, being my friend and brother and sticking besides me when he could had easily made me just a client. My coach made me a priority and I know I can never thank him enough for that. :-)

"Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble."

-John Madden

I am not a social guy. Sometimes I have even considered myself anti-social. But that doesn't put me in the cold and rude category. Trust me, I have met my share of those. I am actually a nice guy when you meet me. I mean, I will give you the respect you deserve and I will also exchange pleasantries with you but I knew that for a very long time I didn't cross the threshold from anti-social to social. But this year was a different story all together. I am very happy to say that I met wonderful people and also made some great friends. Amongst them Helius, Ashwini and Suraj sir stand out as the people I started interacting at the gym and in the process of time became friends with. We all share the same passion of body building and fitness and it always feels good to interact with these guys. Thanks buddies for being patient with me and considering me your friend. And my blog won't be complete if I don't tell you about Vineet and Pankaj. I met these two in the gym also. And now I consider them as my brothers. We may not meet every day but through whatsapp we share   our lives, pains, joys and dreams. Guys, I love you man and thank you for coming into my life. Trust me, with you guys in it, my life is brighter now and I know I can always rely on you guys to be there as you can always depend on me. You will always find a brother in me. It is so strange how one Hi here and a Hello there can form such great friendships. And I know in 2014 my friendships will only grow deeper. I may have done some nasty shit in my life time but when I see myself being blessed to meet such nice people, I really believe that someone up there in heaven really likes me. :-)

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory."

-Douglas MacArthur

A man can never be truly grateful if he isn't grateful about is family. Well me? I am blessed to have the best family on earth. I know we all cherish the ones we love but I also worship them. I don't know how I would had survived without the strength my Father gave me everyday, without the love my Mother showers onto me and the friendship and support my brothers and sister give me. When I count my blessings I count my family first. I am who I am today because of them. And I can do anything for them. But you know what? I am actually more blessed cause I have an extended family also. I have a brother in bhushan who has loved me even when I was silly and went away from him. Nathan, who is all the way in london and whom I still haven't met yet, loving like a younger brother and making me believe in myself when I didn't. And Nikki, the angel of my life, who has forgiven me and stood beside me when all left. I can never love you guys enough. You have shown what love really is and the more I know you all, the more I learn from you. The more I look at you all, the more I smile 'cause even in my darkest times, you guys have helped me to see the light and for that I am eternally grateful. I think 'being grateful' is an under statement for you guys. You guys are family for me. And just like Mom and Dad and My bros and Sis I love you all from the bottom of my heart 'cause after all if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't had learnt to love again. You guys have been patient. You were quiet when I yelled and stood tall when I was bitter. You are true examples of love and friendship. You still listen to my silly jokes, respond to my messages and are there for me whenever I need you. I am glad 2013 brought us closer and something tells me that 2014 will make our bond unbreakable. I know being a human being I am allowed to error but I promise to give it my best in 2014 and not to error again and yes, like you guys never left me, I promise I will never leave you also. We are family and family always sticks together. :-)

"Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble."

-Hugh Prather

I know by now most of you must be already dressed up for the parties you must be going too, so I won't take much more of your time I conclude this blog by writing this last paragraph and dedicating it to the moments which I have truly cherished in 2013. I had two releases this year. I created a decent fan following in west bengal and people here in mumbai have found some affection for me also. I went to pattaya to celebrate my younger brother's birthday. That one week with the boys was truly unforgettable and will be so for many more years to come. I made my Dad believe in me more by transforming myself in the gym everyday. I realised that god is within us and he always tells us to be humble and never to forget our roots no matter how high we soar. I learnt to survive. Through my darkest times, I somehow gathered my strength and decided to fight another day, every day. We got a beautiful apartment in andheri which I truly love. We brought new puppies who are now family to us. I visited south korea with my family and cherished every moment there. I redecorated my room here in madh. I let go of my past and the baggage it carried. I realised that I can't make everyone like me but I can surely help others find the hero within them. I have made many mistakes also in this year and I know I gave hurt to a lot of people. I still seek their forgiveness and promise to never go down that evil path again. And apart from Bodybuilding, My Love for Mma went sky high, all thanks to Sony Six and the Ufc Live Events. And the most important thing I learnt this year was to be myself. Many people loose themselves in the process to be liked by others but I am proud to say that I kept my ground and never lost my originality. There are many more things that I am grateful for but I guess these few beautiful moments top that list. So I take your leave and hope to see you in 2014. If you are reading this, you are a survivor, just like me. You are your own hero because you fought through whatever obstacles come your way. So I thank you all for being there for me and reading my blogs. I hope they helped you, the way they helped me. :-) :-) :-)

"The whole course of human history may depend on a change of heart in one solitary and even humble individual - for it is in the solitary mind and soul of the individual that the battle between good and evil is waged and ultimately won or lost."

-M. Scott Peck

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Is How Beautifully 2013 Came To An End For Me. :-)

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistic and self-complacent is erroneous; on the contrary it makes them, for the most part, humble, tolerant and kind."

-W. Somerset Maugham

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Ghost ...

"I Would Rather Be A Ghost And A Wanderer, Than A Shallow Of A Man Who Just Wants To Fit In."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Time: 09.25am

Location: Mumbai

Date: 04/12/13

"Revealing myself to the world, one blog at a time." That is my status quo for all these blogs. But I ask myself every time I write one of these, am I really doing that? 'Cause at one given moment, I have nearly a 1,000 thoughts in my head. And the most important question I ask myself is why do I write these blogs in pattern? I mean, why the quotes and then the pics and then the next paragraph? Shouldn't blogs be a random flow of thoughts? Isn't that true expressing? I may attempt randomness today so please accept my apologies if this blog doesn't make sense or if it is out of order. So here goes … I love waking up in the mornings in my new apartment. Ya, I love this place. I am a man of routine and discipline, so every morning after I brush my teeth, I make my bed, fill fresh water in my drinking bottles and make myself hot coffee. This happens every other day and trust me, I look forward to it. This is a new kind of freedom for me. Not to answer anyone or ask anyone for help. One of the proudest moments of my day comes when I know that I can do everything on my own. For me, that is true freedom. After a while I will change up and head to the gym. The gym is now my work place and just like everyone else, I show up there everyday. I was also thinking of joining gold's gym which is close to my new place. Like for morning cardio you know. Maybe I may go and visit some time soon. Let's see. In fact, there are more than 10 gyms located in the near by area but after 48 fitness I think gold's is the closest and most convenient for me. But that is a thought which can have an action later. Today, I look forward to my workout 'cause today is Chest Day. The pump on chest day is one of the best feelings I get. Even though my coach makes sure we hit every muscle fibre only in the chest area, the pump which flows in the body is something I love looking in the mirror. But since the last two days, I have taken a new approach to my training. I call it the Ghost Routine or rather should I say, the Ghost Outfit Routine. I think in every body builder's training there comes a point when he knows that he is changing but at the same time, he doesn't want to show his gains to anyone 'cause he knows that a time will come when he will remove his tee and the world will be in awe. Even though I am a few months away from doing that, I am right now wearing hoodies and hats and making sure that no one sees my gains except me and my coach. Why call it Ghost you ask? Well, I usually put on My Elevation Mask during cardio and people in the gym think I am Bane or someone 'cause they still don't know what it is I put on my face! So ya, people think I am some kind of a freak or something. Me? I just love calling myself Ghost …

"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on."

-Rabindranath Tagore

As you know I have been learning Mma since the last three years now. I have followed every UFC event and I am in love with the sport. But I know in reality terms, I live in country where Cricket is not only a sport, it is also a livelihood and means of everyday entertainment in every household. But I still wait for the day when Mma will be recognised for it's potential and trust me, when that happens I will be jumping with joy. I hope that day comes soon. But I am not here telling you about my feelings and aspirations towards the sport. They will always be there and one day it is my dream to meet Dana White and every UFC Fighter there is! I am right now talking about how I have been doing this for the last three years and now I want more of it. And this quest for 'more' has made me look for almost every fight centre here in mumbai. I googled and called I looked but to no avail I found what I was looking for. The Malad Gym, One Fitness, where I have been going to for the last three years has an inexperienced trainer who does the same routine everyday! And I am saying this in the literal sense! Same warm-up, same stretches, same punches, same kicks, every, single, day! And even though I hate him for that, the people who come there are also to be blamed. The majority of the people who come for training talk more and do less. Mourn even before starting their training and the men add insult to injury by quitting in the first 30 seconds! So ya, from my point of view, I really became desperate to look for something more intense. And the moment I was giving up that I won't find that, I came across XFF. Extreme Fight federation. I went to the Xff Gym yesterday which is located in bandra and trust me, the moment I entered it, I knew I was home! It was the place I was looking for! And to add more glitter to my gold, I had one of the best training sessions in a very very long time! Will I go again? Hell fucking yes I will! It doesn't matter to me how long it takes for me to reach there through the mumbai traffic, from this point on, I am gonna show up for those Mma Classes. 'Caue these trainers are bad-asses and spending one hour there is like running on the treadmill for 2 hours straight! And I know how much I love morning muscle soreness and after weeks or rather months I got that feeling when I woke up today! So yes, XFF is worth it. Anything for the love of the sport. Anything to be a Ghost. Why Ghost again you say? Well, ask Call Of Duty for that … :-)

"An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself."

-Charles Dickens

You know that Games have always been a major inspiration for me. Whether it is the Splinter Cell series or Battlefield or the ever amazing Call Of Duty series, video games have always helped de-stress me, motivate me to higher aspirations and believe it or not, they have also help solve the mind-blasting questions which pop up in my head from time to time! Whenever I tell someone that I am a gamer, they look at me with this weird expression and then they say the same thing over and over again, "Aren't you too old to play video games?" And I say na, I don't think so. I find them pretty cool. But in my head the actual answer is, "Hey asshole, you do know that grown ups make video games. Don't you? Or do you think toddlers made the Grand Theft Auto Series? Dumbass!" Well, I can't go into Super Saiyan mode and give the ultimate Kamahamehaa to those fucks but I can surely divert my mind to the task at hand, which is finishing the amazing Campaign of Call Of Duty Ghosts. It is one of the best campaigns ever, not only because of the amazing action and cut sequences but also because of the Code the Game carries. And that Code is Honour. Yup, honour. Does that word even exist today? I know back in the day it did. When Men fought for something and were willing to even die for that! Today, the meaning of honour is completely misused by religious fanatics who think that they are doing the work of god when god never wanted us to kill each other for a square inch of land! Today I look for the real honour and the few honourable men who actually stand up for what they believe in and who aren't afraid to show their true selves to the world. I know I am no saint but I think I have reached to that stage of my life where I can be honest and tell to whomever I meet that I am a monster and that I can't love anyone more than I love myself. For me, that is kind of an honour. At least, I am not like the two-faced people I encounter everyday. You know, they say words have power. And a person should stick to what they say but I have noticed that whenever people are hurt or affected, they forget their codes and words and values and become selfish human beings. They lose their temper, they make excuses, they become distant and in a way, show a side they have been hiding. I hate those kind of people. Me, on the other hand, I show the world that I am a monster. Even if that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life. At least I can die with honour. At least I know that I am standing for my virtues and values. Why do you think I train so much? Why do you think I have cut off from the world? Why do you think I don't go to malls or coffee shops now? It is because I rather choose to be a Ghost, a wanderer than to be the guy who tries to fit in and be like the people I hate.

"I've always felt that if you back down from a fear, the ghost of that fear never goes away. It diminishes people."

-Hugh Jackman

Ghost. Not an apt name for a guy who wants to woo billions now, is it? I know one day I won't have time for a private life but until that day comes, I am preparing myself in the Darkness. Until that day comes, I am becoming a Ghost. A Lost Forgotten Memory. I am doing this on purpose, even though, ever right now i have the choice to choose the opposite. You all must have seen Spider-Man 3, right? Well you know how Spidey feels all powerful when he gets the black suit. He feels invincible and somehow that Power takes over him. Of course, spidey being spidey gets rid of that badness and goes all goody-two-shoes again but I knew how it felt to have that power. To use all that power for my own happiness. But then within 48 hours I realised that this isn't the way I pictured myself. I know I am better than this. I am not the guy who goes out. I am not the guy who meets and mingles and goes clubbing. I am the guy who runs in the morning. Who trains for 6 hours a day. I am the guy who is focused and disciplined and for me, there are no Off Days. I am always fighting. I am not laid back and I am surely not the guy who lives for today. I always prepare for the greatness that awaits me tomorrow. So since that awakening of my senses I have decided that I will go dark and stay away from human contact. Take my word on this, it is not the enemy that defeats you, it is always the people who love you. They always let you down 'cause you expect them to always be there but they aren't. I take my enemy as a true friend because he and I are at least fighting for the same cause from two different view points. Even though I will defeat my enemy and burn him to the ground I will know that I fought a man who was who he was and didn't shy about it. Now you tell me, who would you rather choose to be? A Ghost and a Wanderer like me or a man who looses himself in the crowd? :-)

"God does guide the lives of individuals and does fill them with the Holy Ghost."

-Robert Duvall

There are many more thoughts running in my head right now. And to be honest I am writing this paragraph after an entire days of training. As I mentioned to you, it was Chest Day so ya, I had a great session. There were moments I was sloppy with the weights and I hated myself for it but I know I managed to kill and punish every fibre of my chest today. Hope coach will be proud. I ran for 30mins after that with my Elevation Mask and the acquaintances I meet didn't know whom they were waving too until they came up close. Trust me, the elevation mask does that. While I was working out, I was thinking that wouldn't it be cooler if I had a Call Of Duty Ghost Ski Mask On while I am training. That day, I will look like the Grim Reaper and it will also be symbolic since I am causing My muscles to bleed and die and be reborn a new. That thought is still active in my head. After a 2 hour rest period I headed for One Fitness were as every wednesday we did 'legs' for our Mma Session. I knew the routine so I made sure I helped others who are beginning to love Mma. So ya, in a nut shell, it was a good day. It will be 'Lights Out' for me in the next hour or so. It is right now 10:36pm though. And tomorrow I repeat the same cycle again. You may ask, why is it that I keep on doing the same thing again and again? Why is it that I don't have a social life? To be honest a childhood friend of mine invited me tonight for his birthday but I knew I didn't have the energy to go. I missed a friend's wedding on monday and I don't know if I can catch a movie with my gym buddy Vineet tomorrow. This path of training does require a lot of sacrifices and 90% of the time the outside world will hate you for that. But I know that this is who I am and Training defines Me. It makes me believe that one day I can have a Body Made Of Steel. For me, pain is my friend and the weights are my enemies. For me getting exhausted, with sweat dripping all over my face makes me believe that I am doing something right with my life. I still have many sins which god hasn't forgiven me for. I believe that through all the pain and anguish and struggle, I am somehow finding my own redemption. I just wish one day I find it.

"We glorify the Holy Ghost together with the Father and the Son, from the conviction that He is not separated from the Divine Nature; for that which is foreign by nature does not share in the same honours."

-Saint Basil

I was going through my old emails today and I found an email I sent to UFC Gym last year. They had given me a very positive reply and reading those conversations brought a smile to my face. Yes, I would like to tell you that I love Fitness. I love everything about it. I love Bodybuilding, Mma and Dieting. Very few in this world achieve a body like the gods. I really wanna be one of them very soon. What started out as an escape mechanism because of Fat Complex has now turned into an obsession with no end. And yes, my 1st love are the Movies. I love everything about them and I crave to be on the silver screen. But I know that it isn't my time yet and that is why I am focusing all my energy on the process of getting ready to be there. One has to be worthy. In the past, I wasn't. So I dedicate my every second to Training. I give it a name. I make it a person I talk too. And now I have consumed it. Once you go far down this road, you actually become a different person. Today, my life revolves around my training. There are pros to this and also the cons. The pros are that my family is happy with my progress and the con is that I grow more selfish everyday. Selfish because I only think about myself now. When my next meal is? … What are we training next? ...When do I get to Run more? So you see, I am nothing but selfish now 'cause I wanna improve, I wanna become better. I know the world doesn't run according to me. All have their own lives and responsibilities. So before they say No to me and hurt me, I distance myself from them. The greatest lesson you can teach people is the lesson of avoidance. If people really care they will find a way to know what is wrong or if they don't give a damn, they won't. Try it sometime. In my case, I have stopped giving a fuck. I write in my diary everyday and it is one of the best stress busters for me plus it helps me deal with my emotions. So yes, at the conclusion of this blog, I can proudly say I am now a Ghost and given a choice I would love to be a Ghost as long as I can. Society is afraid of Ghosts. They think they are supernatural entities who wander the earth for vengeance. I believe Ghosts are nothing to be afraid off 'cause once you become one, you see others as monsters and the more you wander, the more you see that in this beautiful, lush, green world, it is us humans who are seeking constant vengeance from mother earth. So Ghost or Human? Make your choice. I know I made mine.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am One Of The Ghosts.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Wanderer ...

"A Wanderer Always Seeks. And the World Is His Playground. In Order To Find The Answers This Wanderer Seeks. And He Must Embark On A Journey. A Journey Far Away From Love, Friendship And Family."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Mahaakshay's Journal. I guess I call it my journal for a reason. It is a vent to how I feel. Before it was all about the world knowing me more better but now it is just me writing my story. I have been told many a times to take a chill pill. To go out and enjoy and even not be self-centred in my entries. I am sorry if I haven't been up to the expectations of my readers, if there are any. And yes, I watch the news everyday. In fact, every morning, that is the first thing I do. I keep tabs on the world. But right now, I know I don't have the power to change anything. Just the hope that things will automatically become better in this beautiful planet we live in. I won't be posting this blog anywhere except the one tweet on twitter I do every time I finish one of these entries. So let's see if my words do echo through each of you. For the record I am not being negative and nor am I sad. Recent revelations in my life have suddenly made me realise more things about myself that I didn't know before. So ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Today I tell you why I declare myself as The Wanderer …

"I am a wanderer passionately in love with life."

-Aleksandr Kuprin

I have done many a things in my life. And to what I recall, most of them have been terrible things. Things which have only caused pain to others. I sometimes do feel that I have cleaned up my act and the past is way behind me but somehow it always creeps ups to me and reminds me of the horrors that I have done. And maybe that is why I am still being Punished. It has been more than 8 years and I am still waiting. Waiting for the light to shine on me. But as I told you earlier, those recent revelations have made me realise that this is all my doing and no one is to blame but me. I am the carrier of my own sins. I am the cause for my own misery and fate will make sure to remind me everyday that all that I have done is let the ones who have loved me down. I have failed them and no matter what I do, I have to always carry this burden with me. This weight on my shoulders. This curse. This living nightmare. So … what does a man like me do? Does he break down or does he accept his short-comings? I think I have somehow accepted my fate, that no matter what I do, the hollowness within me will never fill up. It doesn't matter if I go to pattaya with the boys for 5 days or I go to special gatherings or parties. Somehow, when I look in the mirror, I still see the monster I once was. And that monster laughs at me, taunts me and makes me realise that is he still winning. But now, where I am today in life, I have come to understand that people like me can only do one thing. Rather people like me only have one choice. We start Wandering. We wander and become wanderers not to heal our wounds but to find the answers. Answers only fate can answer us.

"The lonely wanderer, who watches by the seashore the waves that roll between him and his home, talks of cruel facts, material barriers that, just because they are material, and not ideal, shall be the irresistible foes of his longing heart."

-Josiah Royce

I was watching UFC 167 the other day and before the GSP Vs Hendricks main event they were showing the preview for UFC 168 which will be Chris Weidman Vs Anderson Silva Part II. During those clips, I see a shot of Chris Weidman, entering the octagon. That shot came and went within a second but it struck me. It struck me hard 'cause I saw his eyes! I saw the passion and hunger he had to be the 1st guy in years to beat the great Anderson Silva and that is what he exactly did! He beat the champ! But do you know why that sight still comes as flashes to me? 'Cause that is the same look I have. And I have it 24/7. When I am taking a dump or making my hair or when I see my reflection. Those eyes … those eyes are full of hunger. And pure anger. And those eyes have pain. A certain blackness and darkness. Those eyes of mine … they show me what I seek. And all I seek now is the way. Not the glory or the rewards or the power. Just the way. The way to my salvation. To the end of my misery. The way that will finally show me the light. The way that will finally set me free. You see, after a point of time, after all the screams and the mood swings and the cries alone in bed, you become quiet. You become quiet 'cause there is nothing left. You are just hollow and even though that may scare the shit out of you, it is who you are and what fate has made you. They say, No One Can Fight Fate. I totally agree with that but I also do believe that if Fate can make me go through this wait it can also show me the way. It isn't like I haven't tried to ask the answers before. Trust me, I have tried. I have tried the normal way. The fit-in way. The living-the-moment and taking-a-chill-pill-way. But all those roads have always brought me back here. And that is why now I pack my bags and go on this journey. A journey of a wanderer which I must embark alone.

"The World Is A Book. And Those Who Do Not Travel, Read Only A Page."

-St. Augutine

Well, when I say that I am packing my bags, I am not leaving on a jet plane to the himalayas or a monastery. Al though one day, I would love to explore the world, this journey which I take as a wanderer is within me. The journey to the very depths of my soul where I know my answers are waiting for me. Now you ask me, how will I make this journey. Well, a man who has been angry all his life first starts there, where his anger lies. So I start fighting. I fight every day and every night. I train and drown myself in the pain and soreness those barbell curls bring. I run like a mad man on the treadmill when the world is deep in sleep. I endure the cuts and bruises which come from a good sparring session. I do all this because it some how sets me free. It sets the anger free and makes me feel I am one step closer to the answers. I cut myself away from the world. I stop sharing my feelings with my loved ones. I program myself to become a machine because I seek. I seek the truth. I seek the answers and a part of me has always been convinced that the only way I will ever be able to see the light, is by accepting the darkness within me. By being alone even though I maybe in a crowd. By letting go of the things that I desire. By cutting of all the strings that make me weak. By drowning myself in my small little world where I am by myself. If you meet me today and if you look closely, you will only see emptiness in me. Emptiness which comes after the thousand of screams and cries which we were left unanswered. Today I am a wanderer because I choose to be this way. And I have told every man and woman who has come close to me that one day I will leave. That one day, fate will call upon me and I will leave, leaving all love, friendship and ties behind. 'Cause the truth is, I belong out there. Out there in the wast lonely road where in every sun set even my shadow leaves me and goes away. I belong to that journey. A journey that will never end. If this scares you, imagine what it does to me …

"Is There Something We Have Forgotten? Some Precious Thing We Have Lost, Wandering In Strange Lands?"

-Arna Bontemps

So if you ask me, this is what I will answer and describe a wanderer to be. A man who has the courage to leave all that means to him behind and embark on a journey which he doesn't know where it will take him. But the wanderer walks. He just keeps on walking. He sees the world as it is. He sees men and women fall in love. He sees the world celebrate festival and rejoice ceremonies. He sees people killing each other for reasons beyond god's will. He sees the moon and the glitter of the stars and brightness of the sun. But he walks, leaving all ties behind. And no matter how much that kills him, he walks. He walks in search for the answers that he seeks. So if any of you are out there, who are just like me, I hope we meet soon. I hope we share our stories. I hope someday your answers are also found, that someday the pain goes away and god finally gives you a second chance. I am a wanderer because I need to fix myself. I need to lighten this burden. I want to be a success, not live life as a failure. I want to laugh and celebrate and enjoy. But I know that until that day comes I will wander. I will search and I will seek. Yes, I know the what this means … the ones who hate me will rejoice and the one who love me will not understand. They will not understand why I fight. Why I want to be free. Why I want this wait to get over. If god is listening, I really hope he finally cuts me some slack. But until that day comes, I will fight. I will pursue my dreams and I will see the monster in the mirror. I will face my fate. I will carry this burden. I will go on in spite of the hate in me. I will make my curse my strength. I will not stop because somewhere out there, beyond the lines of good and bad, beyond the boundaries of fate and destiny, my answers are waiting for me.

"Perhaps If You Look Long Enough, For An Intent Eye, There Maybe A Piece Of A Star Wandering In The Sky."

-Alamgir Hashmi

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am A Wanderer …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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