The Place Where I Belong ...

Our Greatest Pretences Are Built Up Not To Hide The Evil And The Ugly In Us, But Our Emptiness. The Hardest Thing To Hide Is Something That Is Not There. - Eric Hoffer

They say they understand. They all understand. They all say the same thing. And for all this time I just wanted them to understand. But they don't. Some try. They do. But they don't get it. Some don't even want to listen 'cause they are too busy in their own lives and wanna vent out their feelings. People are strange. And I am one of them. For a very long time I didn't understand. Why I was this way. But today, I do. I finally get it. The answers are coming to Me. Some come as blessings while some come as Punishments. But They do. Right now, typing these words, at 11:22pm in the night, after a long day of work at our Paparattzy Productions Office and then a brutal 60mins of Mma, I understand. Listening to Castle Of Glass from Linkin Park which is stuck on repeat, I understand. Being alone in this room while My brothers and sister watch their favourite tv shows, I understand. I understand this is not where I belong. For I now The Place That I Belong ... I know The Place That I Belong ...

 Take Me Down To The River Bend,
Take Me Down To The Fighting End,
Wash The Poison From Off My Skin,
Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

Time waits for none. And nothing is as permanent as change. People move on. People learn to forget. People learn to forgive. I am not saying that I have seen much of life. But being 28 years old, I think I have seen My share of experiences and I have tried to understand the life which came My way. I don't know even if this blog of Mine will actually convey the message I want to say. Or will it just be another entry. I have tried talking to My Friends and Family. About this, this Emptiness I feel. They all love Me, so they support Me. They say, "Don't worry, it is a phase, it will get over soon." Or "No more War Talks. You have had enough of those for a lifetime!". So I stopped asking them. I stopped expecting that they would understand. They don't. No one does. For only I know The Place Where I Belong. It is out there. Fighting. Surviving. Struggling. Sacrificing. Going through all that pain. Being in that constant madness where My body has broken many a times. Where I have no one but the reflection in the mirror. Where I am judged for everything that I do and where every action of Mine has a ripple affect. I belong to My War. I agree that My War doesn't have any blood or death but it has Me, Fighting. Always Fighting. My War, a place of Purpose. My War, a place of Worship. The Place Where I Belong ...

Fly Me Up On A Silver Wing,
Past The Black Where The Sirens Sing,
Warm Me Up In A Nova's Glow,
And Drop Me Down To The Dream Below ...

I have tried. Trust Me, I have tried. When I come back from My long outdoor schedules, I have tried to fit in. To adjust to the world I left behind. But I can't. I just can't connect anymore. Multiplexes don't excite Me anymore. Coffee Shops are not pit stops anymore. And the attention from Women doesn't tingle Me anymore. But I have tried. I have seen people holding hands and laughing. Couples kissing and hugging. Families celebrating. But I don't feel. I don't feel besides the emptiness ... besides the emptiness. Out there, I am alive. I am Me. Here, I am not even My shadow. The things that excited Me, don't matter to Me anymore. The things I thought were important for Me are not anymore. A part of Me thought that the world will wait for Me to come back but it has moved on. My Brothers and Sister have their friends now. The women whom I admired are now married. The friends I chatted constantly on bbm then, now have new phones. All have moved on now. So now, I have no place here. No one needs Me here. This is not where I belong. So I go ... I Go To The Place Where I Belong ...

Bring Me Home In A Blinding Dream,
Through The Secrets That I Have Seen,
Wash The Sorrow From Off My Skin,
And Show Me How To Be Whole Again ...

But I wait ... I mean I have to wait. Like I have always waited. Until I hear the Call, I Wait and wait in Silence. But sometimes this silence turns into anger. There are many things Emptiness can do to a person. I guess it has just made Me A Bitter, Shallow, Dark, Lonely Creature who is waiting. While the world gossips, bitches, hates and spits, I wait. People don't understand. For some I am boring. For some I am ugly. For some I am the Devil and for some I am as good as dead. But they don't understand this emptiness. The don't understand How much I long for My War. People give advice. Yes, they all do. Even when not asked. They apparently wanna see Me 'happy'. They say 'love' is the way. Or 'chill bro'. 'Live a little.'. People and their opinions. They don't understand that I only long for War. The sound of 'Action' and 'Cut'. I only long for those gruelling hours on the sets when My legs die to rest but I still carry on and give that perfect shot. I long for that life which cuts Me away from everything else. From all loose ends. From all emotions. From all connections. I long for My War. I Long For The Place Where I Belong ...

'Cause I Am Only A Crack In This Castle Of Glass,
Hardly Anything There For You To See,
... For You To See ...

Some or all of you will hate Me. You will say, "You Ungrateful Prick! I am suffering here. People are dying out there. Kids are starving! And you are complaining! You deserve to burn in hell you rich-spoilt brat!" I know many of you will think this of Me. But I am beyond all of that. I am beyond temptation or lust or sex. I am beyond the dates and the dinners. I am beyond the parties. I am beyond them all for I feel only emptiness here, in this 'normal' world. So I pray to that God-Awful-Monster. I pray to Ares, I pray to them all to call Me back. Call Me back to My War. Call Me back to The Place Where I belong. I once, a very long time ago, thought I could had been normal. But it looks like I am not. I don't belong here. I never did. I never will. I guess people like Me are cursed and doomed by our own Greatness. I guess that is the price we pay. You may judge Me. You may hate Me. Do what you feel like because it doesn't matter to Me who you are and what I have done to you. I am here, waiting with My Back-Up. Waiting for the Call. Waiting for My War. A War that will one day destroy Me. But this War is what I call Home. This is The Place Where I Belong ...

If We Don't End War ... War Will End Us. - H. G. Wells

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Know Where I Belong ...

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Welcome To My Brotherhood ...

We Don't Need Holy Wars. What We Need Is Tolerance And Brotherhood And Simple Humanity. - Arlen Specter 

Friends, Team, Crew, Unit, Staff, Entourage. They have many names. I simply call them the Brotherhood. And what better way to show them My Love and Respect than to dedicate an entire blog to them. They say blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Besides My Family and the Life given to Me, I am blessed with 4 more individuals whom today, I proudly call Family. Without whom I may have not been where I am today. Without whom, I may have not come this far. Without whom I may have been just another brown star who would burn without any light. Without whom I may have not been Mahaakshay Chakraborty. Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome To My Brotherhood …

So where do I begin? Where do I actually start? How do I give these amazing men their introductions? I guess all of them deserve their own share of credit.  Whether it is Khatri Irfan, My Dress Designer, Mohammad Altaf, My Make-Up Artist, Mitesh Shah, My Hair Stylist and Prabhu Ganesh, My Assistant, they all deserve their due because I have seen where they were and where they are now. We all are very similar to each other because we all started from nowhere. And now, as Fate wanted it, we have found each other and made this indestructible Unit which stays together, no matter what. We know when to work and when to have fun. And not even once have I seen them as inferiors. No. Never. They are My equals because without them, I am just a guy. With Them, I am Extra-Ordinary! And all of them are married and are My Elders! So you see, I owe them more than they owe Me. You may think why I am praising them so much. Well because they have earned it! I know these guys even before I was Mahaakshay Chakraborty. They have seen My struggles. They have seen My Tears and they have shared My dreams, joys and triumphs. They are My Brotherhood …

Here, in this brotherhood, there are no religions. There are no castes and no differentiations. Here, we are One. We work as One Solid Unit. My boys are very professional when it comes to My Work because they know how important it is for Me to look good. Whether it is Altaf who does My Touch-Up before every shot or Mitesh setting My hair with the right amount of Hair Gel or Irfan giving Me that perfect jeans or even Ganesh giving Me My 5pm coffee just the way I like it, we all are very professional from the time we enter the sets till the time we hear 'pack-up'. Ask everywhere where I have worked, everyone, from all of those Movie Sets had only praises for My Team because of their Nature and Respect for others. We all know the value of Respect, especially in our Industry, where we hate more than we love. We know whom to talk to and with whom to be friends with. We know where to draw the line and where to let go. These boys have sacrificed so much for Me. Accepted Me as I am and have only supported Me. There were many others who came and left. But these four stayed because they believed in Me, just like the way I believe in them …

I am not saying we don't have problems. We all come with our share. We all do. But even in the midst of all those thoughts, we find reasons to smile because we don't let each other down. There are times when I am zoned off and because we have spent so much of time together, My unit sees My body language change and make an effort to cheer Me up and guess what? It actually works! We eat together and we stay together. We understand each other and we also respect each others space. Whether it is Altaf and Irfan being Muslims and Mitesh being a Hardcore Jain or Ganesh being from the South, we know that we have to respect each others space and never step on each others toes. I think that is one of the reasons we have survived through thick and thin together. Back in the day, in the beginning, we met as strangers. People who didn't knew each other. Today, we are Brothers. Brothers who share the same plate of food. Who share the laughter from the same joke and even share that joyful tear when we talk about our dreams. We are a Brotherhood and proud to be one … 

My works takes Me to far of places. Away from home. Away from My Friends and Family. But since I am blessed to have these great individuals by My side, I never feel alone or lonely. They have always been there for Me. And I know that they will always be with Me. Insha-Allah! These guys know that for Me, Loyalty means everything and due to god's blessings these chaps have never given Me a reason to complain. As I said, they know from where they have come and where they are today and where they will be going. I am responsible for these individuals. Their dreams are attached with Mine. It is My sole responsibility to provide for them. I am not just fighting for Myself or My Family, I am also fighting for these boys and their families as well. I have eaten their Dhoklas and Biryanis and Idlis. I know what that feels like. To see them smile when I succeed. To see them laugh when I do something funny or to even hear them snore when I wake 5mins earlier than them to get ready. These boys have become a part of My life and I, on the record am saying this that I am nothing without My Crew and tomorrow when I do succeed, along with My family, My Brotherhood will be responsible for it …

So before I go all I wanna say is that I am truly blessed. Yes I am. I know My life is moving in the right direction with the right people in it. I am a part of my Brotherhood where we are not discriminated or categorised. Here, we are equals. Equals who will fight for each other and stay together till the end of time. My brotherhood will always be a part of My legacy. And I wish that one day we become an example for the world that where love exists, nothing else matters. No Creed, Caste or Religion matters. All that matters is the bond we share, not as an Actor, Make-Up Artist, Assistant, Hair Stylist or Dress Designer but as Brothers. Brothers who will ride together, who will die together. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to My Brotherhood …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this is My Brotherhood.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

My Date With The Reaper ...

James 5:20

Let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

You know that feeling … That feeling when you are finally where you wanted to be. You dreamt about it your whole life and then finally you are there. You prepare for it. You wait for it. You imagine it. And then, without a second's notice, it is there. All My life I prayed for that moment to come. That feeling of completeness. And now, I am finally living it. A part of Me is filled with joy because I am finally where I am but there is a side to Me which is petrified! Which is full of fear. For this moment of completeness is also the moment of realisation, that this is it. This is the final touch to the painting. The full stop to the story. This is how it is going to be for the rest of My life. Through all the struggles that I have overcome and all the wars still bestowed upon Me, this is the way I am going to go out. But I never knew that before the curtain call, I would meet with this stranger. A Stranger, the folk lore of the world calls as the Soul Collector. I simply call Him, The Reaper. Ladies and gentlemen, this is My Date With The Reaper …

Have you come to collect? Is it My time? Is this the way how it ends? Is their light at the end of the tunnel? Do I get to see god? These were the questions that were running through my head when I met The Reaper but all I did was look at Me. This beautiful monster who God created. For the balance in this world. People have this assumption that The Reaper is a hideous and devilish monster who is pale and down-right frightening but all I saw was this Serene, Peaceful and Calm being which was filled with Energy just like you and Me. And what puzzled Me most was that he wasn't doing anything to Me. He wasn't tearing My soul out from My body, nor was he showing the torments of hell. He was just standing there. So, finally, after the 5mins of awkward silence between us I asked him, "So?" and he just replied, "Before you say or think any further can we both sit down some place peaceful and have a nice cup of tea?". Of course I was bewildered by his words but nonetheless I proceeded and granted his wish. What followed afterwards was something I never expected. Especially from The Reaper himself …

"You obviously must be thinking why am I having a cup of tea with you when I should be collecting your soul. Well, to make the long story short, I am not here to collect your soul. I am here to understand it." I asked in confusion once again, "Excuse Me?". And for this The Reaper said, "Let Me explain. But to understand the answers, We must first ask the right questions. And so, we begin. Mahaakshay, we all know that you made your deal with God and the Devil at the same time. You asked for it all and you even accepted the consequences that come along with it. We always had our eye on you. Even when you didn't know, we were there with you. Every step of the way. And as time passed, you became an exceptional human being. And we all were so proud of you. But then something happened to you? Didn't it? You became something more than you asked for. You went far down that road, didn't you? We all knew, you would, in the end, become just like us but we didn't expect this. So I ask you this question, why did you become this thing? We never wanted you to become this way. You cared once. You loved once. You were once that Boy. A Boy who is filled with Innocence. What happened to you Mahaakshay? What. Happened. To. You?" 

I just looked at him. To be honest, for the first few moments I didn't know what to say. I was completely taken a back. I mean, this is The Grim Reaper after all! The Collector Of Souls! And that entity, just spoke those words to Me! At that moment, I had no comeback. But, as those never-ending moments of shock and realisation went by I blinked, I moved My nostrils to breath the air and then I opened My lips and said, "I know what happened to Me Mr.Reaper. I got consumed. I lost control. And I forgot when to stop. I always knew that Greatness had a price. I always knew that I had to make certain choices that would haunt Me until I died. I also knew what would happen to Me the moment I would say Yes. I knew it all. But I never knew I would become this cold-heartless-selfish human being. I have forgotten how to care. How to look beyond My own self. I have become this Fake personality for the world. A personality that the world thinks is real. But I am more darker than that. All those who once loved Me have now gone, for they only see a very self-centred, selfish human being. They look at Me and wonder that how can a man be so much self-consumed that he looses his ability to care. His ability to love or even be concerned. For them, I mean nothing now. For them I am not even a memory. But Mr.Reaper, I had My reasons. I always had My reasons." …

"I want to succeed. I want to win. No matter how hard it gets. I want to triumph. Feel the exhilaration of victory. I want My hand up. I want to make it through this hellish war. I want My Greatness. And for that, I am willing to do anything. You see Me today as a Monster who doesn't care. But you know from where I began. You know what I went through. For Me, My Success means everything! For My Success will one day define My legacy. And to achieve that I can do anything. I can become anything. I can't stop. I won't stop. Yes, I know what this journey has made Me. It has made Me this shallow-godless-freak who deserves nothing but his loneliness and you know what? Even though that scares the shit out of Me, I am ok with that. You heard Me, Mr.Reaper, I am ok with that. So when you come to collect My soul make sure you put in the last circle of hell, for that is where it will belong. But until then, I will do whatever it takes to live this life of Greatness because that is all I have! One day, My body will crumble, My bones will break and My Mind will be shattered. One day I will be a sad, broken, lonely of a man. But Today Is Not That Day … Today Is Not That Day!" ...

After what I said, Me and The Reaper had another 5mins of awkward silence. But after that, the tea cup was empty. The breeze was still blowing it's cool wave and the silence of words were still playing their tune. Then The Reaper got up and started preparing for his exit but not until He said His Last Farewell Words to Me. "I have met many but none like you. You are far too consumed by your Ambition. I know you will achieve it. And I also know that you won't stop until you do. But you will pay a heavy price for it. A very heavy price. You will never feel love again. The warmth it brings because your Anger and Hate have left you in the coldness. Your Vengeance has no end. Your Wrath has no limits. Your Darkness has no light. And even though I am the Collector Of Souls, Souls, some which deserve their punishment in hell, some that deserve their solitude in heaven, I will pray that You find Your Peace for your Greatness Is Your Curse. You are Meant To Live. You Are Meant To Fulfil Your Purpose, Even If That Purpose Will One Day Be The Only Thing That You Will Have Left. Farewell My Friend. Farewell You Little, Sad, Lonely Creature. Farewell."

The Reaper left after that. Left Me in the nothingness where it all began. The Nothingness where it will all once end …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Was My Date With The Reaper …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Beyond The F@!k ...

Destiny Grants Us Our Wishes, But In It's Own Way, In Order To Give Us Something Beyond Our Wishes. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

Thoughts. Thoughts are the creation of everything. They are basically the seeds of our very being. Like all the others out there, My thoughts dominate Me too. But before you think that this blog is about a one-night-stand I had recently and My sexual escaped during it, well My readers, I am sorry to disappoint you because none of that happened and neither this is about that. This is about that thought. That one singular thought which takes a lot of time, experience and maturity to come into place. This thought is called "Beyond The F@!k" because there comes a time in a man's life when he stops thinking and reacting to the silly, bitter and small things which are a part of his life and looks beyond the phrase, "I don't give a f@!k anymore!". I am right now in that phase of My life and I am glad that I am …

There are many things which go through in a person's life. And mostly all of them include hardships, tensions and struggles. Some of them even include jealousy, envy and even hatred. In the world we live in today, it is very difficult to be 'sane' and 'normal' and 'peaceful' when everywhere you go, you face the battles which life throws at you. So it is natural that in order to 'fit in' we become these social-attention-hungry animals always trying to be the One-Up from the rest. For a very long time I was one of them. Hearing about others. Loving the gossip which spread like a virus and also rejoicing in others failures. I was that guy. I enjoyed being that guy. Maybe it was because that was the only thing that kept Me going because back then, I was a failure too. As they say, 'Misery loves company'. And so, I wanted the world to burn as much as I was burning inside with the emptiness that failure gives you. But Since I have started working again, I have changed. I am still trying to figure out how that happened. These things don't happen through planning. They just happen when they have too …

As you all know I am right now filming for My very 1st Bengali Film Rocky. My Dad is here, helping Me with the Dialogues and the Diction because I really want to give My best to this Film. Recently, we filmed a very important sequence of the film which consisted of monologue-long dialogues of My character. The day before we shot, you have no idea how nervous I was! I didn't know whether I could had pulled it off. But I did. I was very proud of Myself but I knew, at the back of My head, that no matter what I do, once the film releases, people and critics will still find flaws in Me and if there aren't any, they will create them. These 'practical' thoughts used to affect Me before but now, I don't give a sh@t  anymore or in My words, I am right now beyond the f@!k. It doesn't matter to Me anymore what people think. What the critics will say, what the haters will tweet and what even god decides. I am now Beyond The F@!k and proud to be …

No matter how many examples I give. No matter how simple I break it down. And it doesn't even matter in which language I write this, in the end My words will always mean the same. I am where I want to be. This is where I belong. This is what I was born to do. And this is where I will die. And that is why I have become this man. This man who is now Beyond The F@!k. Who just doesn't care anymore. I know for the world I have now become this godless-soulless-machine who is so cold that even the arctic has a complex against him! But I am this man. I know I am. And to be honest, for all of My life, I wanted to be this man. This unstoppable force of nature who knows nothing besides his goal. Who feels nothing besides his relentless pursuit to win and make all things possible. Who is so consumed by his own wrath that he knows nothing beyond his own dreams. For the world I am simply a Monster.

But there are times. Times when I slip even when I don't choose too. Those quiet moments during the wee hours in the mornings. When I wake up and prepare Myself for the Work ahead. When I check My Bbm and Instagram. When I see the world celebrating diwali and going out for parties and hooking up for love and sex. There are times when I envy those people. Times when I can't stand their happiness. When I realise that they have something more than Me. Something that I deserve more than them. There are times when I slip and fall into the abyss of jealousy and hatred. But then I tell Myself, I remind Myself who I am. Who I Truly am. It is a lonely place where I am. Here , the only companions I have are My Electronics and the beats I hear when I put on My Dr.Dre's. Here, no other soul understands and now I know that no one ever will. For out there, people do give a f@!k about others and are only concerned with the failures of their enemies. But here, I am Beyond The F@!k …

People don't care. People are not concerned. They say they do, they say there are. But the truth is, they are as selfish as the person next to them. I am glad I figured that out now. Now, when I am just beginning the most important chapter of My Life. The Chapter of Responsibility. Many people may read My Blog and call Me a pathetic loser because how lonely can a man get that the only way he can vent out his true emotions is by typing them down on his laptop! I may agree with them in some six degrees of separation but I am not affected by them. I no longer am because I am where I belong. This place, this lonely dark place may not have the pleasures that the world has to offer but there is something here that the world out there can never give Me … Purity. Yes, this place is pure. It gives Me exactly what I want and it has made Me the man I wanted to become. Ask any man who searches for peace and he will answer that he has to first find the madness. Go beyond the norms of society and Beyond The F@!k. I am in that place now. I am where I belong. Judge Me however you want. Call Me names and even spit on My face if you want too. I don't care because I am not looking for redemption. I am not waiting for the after-life and neither am I waiting to see what god looks like and the virgins he offers Me in heaven. No, I am just a man who is exactly where he wants to be. I am a man who is Beyond The F@!k …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am Where I Belong … Beyond The F@!k …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Opposite Sex ...

Women Are Made To Be Loved, Not Understood. - Oscar Wilde.

Women. I think that one word says it all. The opposite sex. The war of the sexes. Men are from mars women are from venus. The list goes  on and on. And as every man out there I am still trying to understand women. And something tells Me that I will never get there. To that final thesis of a conclusion, that yes, I have finally cracked the code. I have finally figured out the opposite sex. Maybe, writing this blog will help Me get there. I don't know. Maybe. Let's see. I have been around women My whole life. Whether it was My Mom who bared Me for 9 months or whether it was My babysitter who take care of Me when Mom wanted to take her bath, I have grown up in the company of women. And as a 28 year old guy today, I have nothing but respect for women. No matter how much the man hunts for meat and no matter how much he brings home, the woman will always be the foundation of the family. Trust Me, I know. I have an amazing mother to prove just that.

I know I maybe taking My Mom's side here but I know what she has been through. All My Mom ever wanted was to be a house-wife. She left all her stardom and fame when she decided to marry My Dad. I don't know how she did that and that always made me curious. Whenever I asked her that question she just said, "Being a wife and a mother is all the happiness I ever needed and now I am living that happiness everyday." My Mom is the mother of 4 children and trust Me, even today, we don't make it easy for her but she stills stays strong for us. On the record today, I am openly saying that I am a Momma's Boy and will continue to be so, no matter how people take that for Me, My Mother has always given Me her love and supported Me through My darkest years and for that I can never thank her enough. I know for every child their Mom is the best but I know this without a shadow of a doubt that in today's fast moving times, My Mom Is The No.1 Mom out there! Well My Sister, oh boy! She is a different story altogether … :-)

My sister just turned 15. We all know what happens when we reach that age and My Sister is no different. She is rebellious, down right on-your-face and sometimes harsh too. But let's face it. We all were the same when we were 15, were't we? I love My Sister. She is My life and because of her, I know I am a better man a much more responsible man. I fear the day when she will finally grow-up and have boyfriends and one day fall in love and become someone else's. But I know that day is inevitable. But until that day comes, I want to be the best brother she has. Me and My sis may not meet eye to eye with almost everything but when it comes to fighting for each other, we leave no one! I guess, that is a bond only a sister and a brother can share. Having sis around makes Me believe that there is still some good left in Me that I have been blessed with such a sweet, beautiful and caring soul as My Sister. My younger brother maybe her favourite but she knows when it's time to kick ass, I am the brother who will be up for the job. 

Surely you must be thinking that since I am going in order of the women in My life, the next paragraph will surely be of the women I have loved. Well, you are right on that but I won't take their names nor give any hints about them because that won't be right. All of the women who came in My life, came with the trust that their bond with Me would be sacred and for that reason, I will keep their respect. I have met many, many women in My life. And all of them, yes, I mean all of them have taught Me something more about love, friendship and respect. They say each soul you meet takes you to the next chapter of My life. I guess that has been the case with Me too. For a very long time now I have been around the company of women, whether they were My best friends or My lovers. Even today 3 out of 4 of My best friends are women! Trust Me guys, sometimes having a girl as your best friend can be so much of fun! They are actually more chilled out than we think they can be. And as far as the women I have loved goes, well, they have been nothing less than spectacular! To be honest, I think I am much more confident today because of the women who have been there in My life. Some have taught Me to talk, to listen and even to understand. All those years ago, even when I was a boy growing up, those women loved Me for who I was. And that is something worth cherishing about.

Sure you may think that I am buttering up women here and praising them like they are angels. Well, the truth is some of them actually are. I have met My share of women. The crazy ones, the dangerous ones, the jealous ones, the cold ones, the boring ones, the nice ones, the amazing ones and the loving ones. And all of them have left a beautiful memory for Me to think and smile about. And I know that I have made My share of mistakes with all of them. I have wronged many of them. Some who deserved it and some who didn't. I know I can't change the past but there is a part of Me now who is conscious about it. I just hope that one day I do become the man women think I can be. But until that day comes, I know I will always admire the opposite sex. I may not understand them sometimes but i do know that they are God's True Beauty on this Earth! And guys, you don't need to always see what the flesh looks like, sometimes, you just got to see their souls 'cause you never know, in one of them lies the real essence of their beauty … their purity. :-)

I am Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I guess I am still figuring out The Opposite Sex …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Missing Link ...

Be Daring, Be Different, Be Impractical, Be Anything That Will Assert Integrity Of Purpose And Imaginative Vision Against The Play-It-Safers, The Creatures Of The Common Place, The Slaves Of The Ordinary. 

- Cecil Beaton 

I know I am late in My entry. Many things have been going on in My mind and a lot of preparations to be done before the 2nd schedule of Rocky. I start Filming in a week's time. I Have so much to do. I will always have so much to do. But this isn't about that. This is about the dream I had recently. And an old friend of Mine visited Me there and this is what he said ... 

You are searching for something. Yes, you am. Something that you had before but now is lost in the wilderness of normality. You knew how it felt. To have that power. To have that feeling. You are still looking for it. You are searching for it. No, it's not love. Love broke your heart years ago. No, it is not the Social charisma. No, this is something else. What is it? What is it that you yearn for so much? What is it that you truly crave for? You are finding that missing link, aren't you? Your true purpose. A purpose that you miss so much. You know what it is. Inside of you, deep down in the darkness of your soul, you have felt it once. You have tasted it. You want it again, don't you? Yes you do. You always did ...

I know You have tried to be normal. So many times you have tried and tried and tried. But in the end, the result is always the same. You feel empty. Don't you? Whether it's birthday celebrations, or a gathering of friends you always knew there was something missing in you, wasn't it? You felt left out. Like you didn't belong. You put up this face.  A face of the boy next door because you have too. You do it because you think you have a chance for redemption. Of the things you have done. And for the things that you are about to do. You think there is an escape root for people like you. No Mahaakshay, there isn't. There never was. Once you taste the purity of the madness inside of you, once you embrace who you are, there is no going back. And you know that. Somehow, you always knew. They will try to change you. To make you believe in love and the goodness the world has to offer. But they don't see what you see. You have seen greater horrors than them and what scares you the most is that you have enjoyed it. You enjoyed every moment of it ...

You miss it, don't you? Oh I know you do. Without the fight, you are as good as dead. You have been fighting all of your life. And after a while, you didn't even realise that you have fallen in love with this fight and now, fighting is what defines you. They won't understand. They never will. Sure, they all have their own battles to fight but this isn't about them. This is about you. This is about your missing link. Something god took away from you. And now, you want it back. Don't you? You want your War. A war that will never end. You wanna play Soldier and be their, at the Battlefield and lay down hell on your enemies and you don't want to ever stop. You wanna be a War Machine. Yes, I know you want too. But you know what the world will call you right? They will call you a godless monster. A man lost in his own madness. A man who doesn't deserve his redemption. You will become the outcast. The lone wolf and no one will ever love you because you will become the thing they fear the most. You will become One with Yourself. You will become the one who will truly embrace himself. You will become Pure ...

War junkie? That is what you want to become? Isn't it? You had your war once. You were good at it. You enjoyed it. You loved it. But now, it's gone, isn't it? And now, you want it back because you miss it. You miss your war because you know it completes you. You are in love with Blood, Sweat and Tears. You love pain. That feeling of sacrifice. The purity in the madness. You crave for your own Darkness. The world will never understand. It was never supposed too. You were always the lone wolf. You were always meant to be alone. This is your curse. But your curse is also your power. It is also your greatness. It will make you the man you were born to become. You know that now. You know who you are. You know your true origins. And now, you know what the missing link is. What your true purpose is. It is War. It was always War. That sweet, never-ending War. 

They will never understand you Mahaakshay. In the end, you know how the credits will roll. You will drive off, towards the sunset. You will look for another battle to fight. You will look for another War. There is no end to this madness. But you want this, don't you? Yes you do. I know you do. I see how empty you are without it. Your friends will think you are crazy. They will even laugh behind your back but you know that no matter how many times you try to 'fit in' or be 'normal' you will never be any of those things because you are different. You are the odd one out. There is a monster inside of you who is hungry. And that hunger will never stop. No matter how many times you feed the beast, it will always want more. But I don't have to say all these things to you, do I? Because you gave in to this monster a very long time ago. Didn't you? You are far down that road now and you know, there is no going back now. But your Monster is asleep now, isn't it? You want Me to wake him up? I can and I will. But promise Me one thing, that you will never stop craving. Always want more. I will give you, your war. I will return you to your madness. I will give you, your missing link back. Just promise Me that you will never stop. And I will give you, your war. A War that will never end ...

... Sometimes, I don't have all the answers My readers. Sometimes I don't know what to say. But they say our Dreams fulfil our wishes. They show us the way and they sometimes even give us the answers ...

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this time I don't know how to conclude this story. I hope, maybe you do ...

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Little Things ...

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. 
Lao Tzu

I can blog about many things. Things that are now trending on twitter. I can discuss about the Presidential Debate happening over in america. I can give you My analytical predictions as to who will win it. I can discuss about the Doping charges on Lance Armstrong and how all the companies that were backing him up are now slowly with-drawing their support. I can even make the people aware that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month or I can even dedicate this blog to one of the greatest film-makers of bollywood Yash Chopra who passed away just recently. I can do all those things. But I choose not too. For in this blog, I choose to focus not on the big things that make the headlines but on The Little Things that affect our day-to-day lives ...

I am 28 years old. I know I am not that old to call Myself mature but neither am I that young to call Myself a kid. But for many years now, I have always been related to as 'The Kid'. Whether it was My relatives, My friends or My girlfriends, all of them always saw Me as a kid. Even though at that point of time it was ok to be tag lined as the kid, after a while it became a nuisance because no one would take Me seriously. For years and years I struggled with this onslaught ... until now. Just a few days back, I resumed My Mma Classes since I was Filming abroad and didn't get the time to train. When I got to the class, I saw all new faces. Boys, I never met before. But the more I spent time with them, I realised these boys were actually boys from the age group of 17 to 21! And all they were doing, were talking about girls and which girl winked at which guy and who is dating who. And our trainer yelled at them saying that Train More and Talk Less! I actually liked their company because I saw Myself in them when I was their age and for the very 1st time in My life I felt old! Even typing these words down, I am smiling because after all these years, I actually feel I am an adult and these boys look up to Me! So you see, the one thing that I craved for came to Me when I least expected it too ... :-)

My youngest brother Namashi has just recently started his Acting Classes. He goes everyday in the morning and comes back in the evening. I have beautiful memories of My childhood. And especially the ones I shared with My two Brothers and My Sister. Today, all of them have grown up and being the elder brother it feels beautiful to see your siblings doing the things you thought they would one day. I guess all the 'firsts' of the families will be able to relate to Me in this matter. Whenever I see My bros and sis hang around with their friends I smile because I know they have grown up and they are wise enough to take their own decisions and spend time with people other than Me. Although, it is a little sad for Me to realise this, I am more happier looking at them the way they are today and whenever I have doubts and those dark days, My bros and sis always manage to make Me smile. And that is what happened recently. Namashi was about to leave for his class when he suddenly called Me from My room and asked Me to help him out. When I asked him what it was, he told Me, please tie My shoe laces. That request actually made Me smile because My baby brother wanted Me to help him out. I felt very happy tying his shoe laces and as I did, I captured that moment and made it a beautiful memory because not everyday does the eldest brother get such a sweet request from his baby bro ... :-)

There are many things in life right now that I can be happy about but the one thing that really gives Me happiness is My Work. People often tell Me, "Mahaakshay, don't talk about your work. Don't share your happiness with people. People are very jealous and narrow-minded. They can't see others happy so they curse you and pray that your happiness goes away." I don't believe in that crap. I believe, happiness should be shared. We do all the things that we do because in the end, we want to feel happy and contented. And if you smile to the world, the world will smile back at you. It's as simple as that. Happiness comes to us in many forms. My ultimate form of happiness is My Work. I love Working. It gives Me the greatest high! When I work, nothing else matters and whenever I put My Make-Up on, I feel alive! I maybe playing different characters everyday but underneath the seriousness of all of that, I am smiling! I am smiling all the time because I am doing the one thing that I know I was born to do! In all of My living years, I have realised that life happens to us when we are busy making other plans. Sometimes, all we have to do is look where we stopped looking ... :-)

I'm not saying that My life is full of roses. Nope. Not at all. In fact, there are more thorns than roses here. But sometimes, I really feel like enjoying the little things. Even if it is for a second, I take out time and I smile because I know that this moment won't ever come back again. Sure, we all have our own shit to deal with. A friend who hurt you. The girlfriend who doesn't understand. The work you want is taking time to come. Your dues not getting paid. Dreams yet to be fulfilled. Yes, we all have our problems. But sometimes, even god wants his break you know. And sometimes, the best way to beat stress is to see the good in it. Being Grateful shouldn't be a daily duty but it should be a habit! So before I go all I can say is, for your own good, for that smile which aches to be seen, for that happiness which lingers in your heart, for that love which waits to glow, give them all that passage and spread the happiness 'cause you never know when you will realise that you are 28 too and you are no longer a kid but the man everyone looks up too ... :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I Enjoy The Little Things ... :-)

With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

The Journey Home ...

Sunday, October 14, 2012,

In The Flight Back To Mumbai …

17:10hr …

No Topic this time. No On-Your-Face proclamation. This time, it is just Me and you get a glimpse of Me, the real Me. It has been a while. A while indeed. I guess I was too tied up or maybe I just didn’t care. Sometimes I even don’t know. But I guess a man only progresses when he starts becoming truthful with his inner being. I mean I have too. How do I apologize? Where do I begin? I mean, should I even write all of that down? You know the story. But you still wanna hear it. Everyone always wants to know. And sometimes they don’t even care for the reasons. They just wanna know. I guess this won’t be any different either.

I was in kolkatta for 10 days. Shot for my 1^st Bengali film, Rocky. The experience was over-whelming. I never knew I could had pulled it off. But I somehow did. I somehow managed to make everyone happy. The 2^nd schedule starts soon. I just finished reading Kaboom. I know it has taken me a while but I finally did it. I closed the book. I read every page and pronounced every word. And I knew I would feel a void when the book would finally be over. For a moment there I also got emotional. The world would surely laugh at Me for this but I don’t think they would be able to relate with it. You know, with the feeling. I guess you can’t express everything through a blog now, can you?

I am going back to the homeland. The city where I live. My family and pets and friends wait for Me. Waiting to greet me with open arms and love. Love that I missed. But did I? That question fears Me. I dare not ask Myself. But I have too. I need to who I am. And what I am becoming. Back in the day, all those years ago, in that blackness I had asked for this. For this never-ending journey towards the oblivion. I asked for it. And today, I am living it. Do I want this to end? No, never. This is what defines Me. My work is my worship. Yes, there are many out there like me but I don’t care. I know I never did. I am too selfish. That is a fact. That I know. Ask the people who know me. They will tell you. A boy of giving is now a man who doesn’t care. I guess greatness has it’s after effects. 

Sleep the body says. Sleep for an hour more. You need the rest. The flight will take a while to reach. But the mind says go on. Write this blog entry. Let the world read your thoughts. You know you crave for it. You crave for an understanding from a world which doesn’t want to care. You hope for it to become better. You want a voice. And this blog is your medium. Type those words down. Make them read it. Write your heart out. The mind and the body fight this unconventional war which both know, they won’t win. And I guess in this hellish war My soul will be lost. I guess it died a long time ago. I don’t know. I don’t find the goodness in it anymore.

You made your point Mahaakshay. This is a blog. Not an autobiography. Stop writing! But why do these fingers not stop! Dammit stop! No, they don’t. They want to feel the release as much as the thoughts want. They will go on. They don’t care. They wanna fulfill their purpose. They wanna finish what they started. I hear the music on the ipod. Rock music. It charges me up for the week ahead. For the things I wanna do. For the promises I have to keep. For the duties I have to fulfill. The music helps. It takes me to a place. A place where only I and I belong. I wasn’t like this. No, I was different. Maybe a long time ago, I was simpler. Now, I am complicated. There is so much more I want to write. I want to write the truth. The whole truth. Can I? No, I won’t. I am too afraid of it. I still want to believe in the lies my heart tells me. I want to make it real. But deep down in that place where my soul once was, I know my heart will fail. The mind will win. Feelings I had before are long gone now. They don’t exist. They are not even a memory. A part of me fears that. A part of me embraces it. Who am I? What am I becoming? Questions over questions. There are always questions. Questions, waiting to be answered …

I look outside the window. I love this view. The sun setting. The stars which start to twinkle. It is so peaceful here. It is so beautiful. I believe if god existed he would had drawn this painting. The magic hour as they say. Up here, in the heavens, I am only with my thoughts. The world seems dead to me. For another 60mins or so, I am with myself. I like that. I love the ‘Me’ time. I guess we all do. But no, I don’t care. I never did. This is about Me. This was always about Me. My soul spoke to me before. It doesn’t anymore. I know it is long dead. But someone does hear my thoughts. A force I can’t name. For the world he is a dreadful monster. But for me, he is my friend. A friend who has been with me for a very long time. He speaks through the echoes. And sometimes through the silence. He feeds from my emptiness. He wants to stay forever. And I want him to never leave …

You sick empty being. He calls Me. You sick godless creature. You don’t be long to live a life of mortality. You don’t belong here. You belong to me. You belong to the un-ending war of struggle and triumph. You know it don’t you? I agree with him. It scares me how much he is right. He knows how empty I have become. I guess this is evolution but everything new, along with joy brings fear. I am afraid. I am very afraid. The world around Me means nothing to Me. The people in it. The relationships and the after-maths of the civilised world. They don't affect Me. Their words, their feelings, their dreams, they mean nothing to Me. Why I ask? Why? I guess I know. I guess I always knew. I just didn't wanted to accept it. I see this normality in people. In the civilized world and I wonder. They are alien to me. This thing called society. I don’t cherish it and neither I want to respect it. I am not part of the group. I am the outsider. I always was. Do I want to fit in? No, never. I want to stand out and howl at the moon. I want the world to be amazed and wonder at me as a marvel. Me and my ambitions. I know they will never end. This quest. There is no destination for death is the only end. Living this life is the journey. No matter whether my feet tremble or the skin beneath them burns to hell, I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I want to go on. Go where life takes me. It has brought me this far. I know it will take me further. There is a monster in me. A monster which needs constant feeding. The world won’t understand that. It never will …

This is the longest I have ever written. I don’t know why. I know the readers are bored by now. No, I don’t care! I wanna write more. I want to feel light. But why was I so heavy in the heart in the 1^st place? I think I have even forgotten why I started writing. Maybe, just maybe this my send-off or a tribute to Kaboom, one of the best books I have ever read. I guess I am angry that it’s over. It became my friend. I read chapter by chapter, slowly and steadily because I enjoyed it that much. I somehow found Myself in that book. I was a Soldier in some pages and in some a reader. But I was there and that is why I think I became so selfish. I didn’t give it that much of justice. I should had read it faster. But I didn’t. It is hard to let go you see. It is always hard to let go. Sure, I will find more books to read on war, soldiers and marines. But Kaboom was Kaboom and it will always be Kaboom. Am I sounding emotional. I guess I am too lost in my words to understand anymore. 

My message? No, there is no message this time. This is just Me, uncensored. I feel naked in a way. A part of Me is now forever a part of this blog. Sure I can delete every word. You all won’t even know this blog ever even existed. But no, I will post this. I want to be heard. I want the world to know who I am. I want to make a statement. Love me or hate me, I won’t stop. I am a monster. A monster who feels nothing besides ambition. I will fulfill my hunger. I won’t stop. I will quench my thirst. I am who I am. And now, the world has a glimpse of it. Let the world remember Me as they choose too. All I care is that the world should remember. If it won’t, I will make it remember Me …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Story. And This Time I Am Not The Voice Of The Voiceless.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Once Upon A Time ...

I am your fairy tale. Your dream. Your wishes and desires, and I am your thirst and your hunger and your food and your drink. 
Klaus Kinski 

Once upon a time, in a land far far away there was a boy named Michael. Michael, who believed in miracles, magic and fairy god-mothers. His world wasn't that different from ours but wasn't that similar either. He loved god a lot and so one day he decided that he would go and find god. So, his quest started. He travelled the roads, the mountains and the high seas in search of god. Michael starved for days and met many people who never helped him but he still kept on going on. And then, one fine day, He met god. Oh! Michael was so happy to see him and all he wanted was to hug god and tell him how much he loved him! But god refused! He said, Michael wasn't worthy. He said that Michael was just a mere mortal and that he had no right to find god and ask god to do a humanly task. Hearing this, Michael was shattered. Almost, dead-like. So Michael went back. But Michael wasn't Michael anymore. Something in him died that day. Something from him was taken that day and Michael knew that it wasn't ever coming back. But on his way back, Michael met a man. A man who was willing to give him something to fill that empty space in his now black heart. Something much more powerful than love. Something that would make all the pain go away. But, for a price …

So, Michael, who was so heart-broken, in a never-ending pain wanted the horror to stop. So Michael said yes. And then, Michael wasn't Michael anymore for this man wasn't just an ordinary man who offered him this power. This man was called the 1st. When Michael asked what that meant, the man simply replied and said, I am the 1st of everything. Even before paradise, god created Me and he wanted that I experience all the beauty and the madness of the world at the same time. Later did he knew that I become something more than he wanted Me to be and in that threat he banished Me. So I look for all those who god casts out of his womb of love. Michael wasn't threatened by this man but rather found comfort in him and this man took him to a place where no man would dare enter. The realm of wait. The 1st said that here he would train Michael. Train Michael to become stronger and faster and more powerful. He would make Michael forget all the pain the world and god gave him and fill that void with a more powerful power. The 1st would give him courage, a relentless pursuit to his goal and an unstoppable determination to become better than any man there ever lived. And so Michael's journey began …

As time passed by Michael become stronger and stronger. Michael became the 1st's finest student and so, as autumn turned to winter and the world slowly faded away with the thought of Michael ever in it, Michael began to prepare. Prepare and train and wait. And as more years passed by Michael wasn't just human anymore. The 1st knew that Michael was special and god made the worst decision by banishing him out of his love. Michael became Cold. Although his heart pumped, it stopped to feel. Michael, who was so afraid of pain, started to embrace it. Michael, who only believed in love, now only wanted Hate. And there was something in his eyes. A certain emptiness. An emptiness caused by the blackness of his soul. A Soul that could never feel love anymore. And so, it was time. It was time for Michael to come to the real world. The world which forgot him. The world which wanted to believe that Michael never existed …

Michael returned. He was better than ever. And because of his new persona, his awesome charisma and incredible charm the people started loving him! But little did they knew that Michael was something else now. An entity of pure passion and relentless pursuit to become the best in the world! And slowly and steadily Michael started going up the ladder. Michael began to succeed. And so, as the men before us who have fallen have seen, success brings its rewards. Rewards that come as gifts of love, pleasure and power! Michael enjoyed this. He enjoyed this a lot and he never once thought how would it affect the ones around him. He only thought of himself. Michael, who was once the object of love, was now an empty soul, who was cold-blooded and selfish. But you see, Michael did not have a conscious of awareness anymore. Even if Michael wanted to feel, he couldn't. And no matter how much the world blamed him, spat at him, called him names and hated him, it was the world that made this loving soul into the monster that he finally became …

Michael was gifted immortality from the 1st. So Michael lived on and saw people break each others hearts. Kill for a piece of land and massacre thousands in the name of religion. Men, who were the creation of god. Michael saw it all and with each passing moment, Michael became more and more empty and soon, there was nothing left in him except the blackness. Michael wasn't a monster. Michael was just a man who wanted to love but became a victim of it. Michael gave in to Hate even before he knew what it would cost him. Michael was normal no more but more of a machine who foolishly thought he was human, well, at least a part of him. A part of him which, after all the horrors and wars he and his mind and body had faced, wanted redemption. But Michael knew that all those years ago when he said Yes to the 1st, there was No going back. Michael knew that this is what he will always be now. Michael knew that this is what he was always meant to be. And so, Michael lived on as the man who conquered it all and paid the greatest sacrifice for it ...

So you see, Once Upon A Time, there was a boy named Michael who went out to find god and came back as a Man who no longer believed in Him. I don't know if there any Michaels here, in this world but maybe, one day, I may stumble upon them or maybe, I may see Michael in the reflection I see in the mirror …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and I am the Voice Of The Voiceless.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.