The Woman In White ...

 

It’s New Year’s Eve …

The entire world is excited and is in a celebratory mood.

This 2-Storey Lavish House Party, isn’t any different.

We see people coming in with big smiles and having a glass of their favourite cocktails in their hands, dancing to the tunes of Bollywood. Everyone is excited for this coming year with hopes and dreams and aspirations, as they were the year before.

But one man isn’t a part of this celebration. In fact, he isn’t happy at all. This man is called Raj and the truth is in the middle of the loud music and dance moves gone wrong, he is sickly worried. He doesn’t have a glass in his hand and neither he is meeting and greeting the people inter-locked in this house. His eyes are looking, frantically, for someone. Someone he came in this party with but who vanished without a trace. The only thing he can do is try to find her and retrace his steps to unfold this mystery of the disappearance of the beautiful woman in white he came with. Raj is convinced that he will find her. After all, this is just a house party and the color white will surely pop-out in these make-shift neon lights. But Raj doesn’t have time, for in the next 10 seconds, the new year will begin and the woman he came with told him to not leave her side when the clock strikes 12. For if he does, she will forever be in despair. Raj, clearly not a believer in superstitions doesn’t take her words seriously but for some reason, he is still pulled in by this mysterious woman. By her mystery, by her aura. By her innocence. 

They say time is relevant and it couldn’t be more relevant to raj right now just mere seconds before the clock struck 12. As the men and women hold each other and scream 10, Raj just closes his eyes and tries to remember. Remember exactly what happened …

10!

We show Raj in his car, driving alone, lost in his thoughts and the radio turned off. Raj doesn’t want party music being played right now as he knows there is gonna be a lot of head-banging music to the party he is going too. Raj didn’t wanted to step out at all tonight but his best friend insisted that he come. It is unusual for Raj to see such empty roads in a city like Mumbai but Madh Island is still that part of the city which hasn’t been filled with an ever-expanding population, so Raj is taking in the quiet and enjoying the lone drive.

9!

As Raj is driving in the serene quiet, his eyes catch a shadow ahead. For a moment there, he is confused with what he is seeing but not more than a second later, he sees the shadow being an actual woman just waiting alone, on the side of this loom road. He immediately reduces the speed of his car, dims it's headlights and stops right in front of the woman.

8!

Raj is awestruck by this woman! She is by far, the most prettiest woman, Raj has ever seen and not only is there a charm about her but her White Satin Dress and her open hair and mascara in her eyes, is increasing her beauty to infinity. For the first time, in a very long time, Raj doesn’t have words to speak. His heart is taking beats faster than a race car! After what feels like forever, Raj finally opens his mouth to speak but before he could say a word, it’s the woman in white who speaks up.

7!

The woman in white says, “Hi, sorry, my uber broke down a few kms back and I tried too call for another one but my phone’s battery is dead and I was wondering if you could give me a lift? My house is just down the road. It will be a huge help to me.”

Raj doesn’t think twice and immediately says, “Yes, of course!” As raj gets out of the car and opens the passenger seat for the woman in white, a part of him is thrilled and a part of him is surprised with the emotions that he is feeling right now. It has been 3 years since Shikha broke Raj’s heart and since then, he has never felt this way. As Raj, sits in the driver’s seat and places his hands on the steering, he senses that his hands are sweating. He knows this is all out of the crazy adrenaline he is feeling because of the woman in white and he tries his best to keep his composure and pushes his foot on the gas and the car moves ahead.

6!

Both, Raj and the woman in white are now in silence but Raj decides he has too start talking, so raj asks, “So, where is your house?” The woman in white replies, “It’s called Bhullar House. It’s just a few minutes down the road.” Raj notices how pleasant and kind her voice is. It has a serene feeling, like someone playing the flute in an open garden. But Raj also realises that it is the same house to which he is going too! With a burst of excitement raj quickly replies and says, “I am going to the same house party too! What a coincidence!” To that the woman in white replies, “There are no coincidences. Everything is already pre-planned.”

5!

As the wheels of the car take them ahead, Raj doesn’t want the house to arrive soon, for he wants to talk to her more and more and he feels that for the rest of his life, he only wants to listen to her voice. But he knows that the house will be arriving soon and the silent emptiness won’t do him any good, so he asks her, “So, you are spending tonight with friends over there?”. To which the woman in white responds, “Actually that house is my parents. I am going there to meet them and be with them on new year’s eve. The thing is I study in Pune, Senior year college and I had told them I won’t be able to come home due to the heavy load of my studies and assignments but actually, I lied to them and I had planned to surprise them. So, this is me, surprising them. My mom and dad are very social people, so I know they must have kept a huge gathering at home. I thought, it will be the perfect cover for me to slip in quietly and go and hug them when the clock strikes 12. I hope I can do that as we are already closing in on 12am.” Before raj could say something, the woman in white starts talking again and says, “Can you do me a favour? I mean, another favour? If you would be so kind, can you please stay besides me when I am with mom and dad? I want this moment to be recorded so if you could just record me surprising them and seeing the joy on their face, I will be eternally grateful to you.” I want the new year to start with a good omen. If I don’t do that I feel I will be in despair! Raj, who is now completely mesmerised by this beauty doesn’t flinch and says, “I would be delighted too!”

4!

That moment arrives, as they see the house in front of them. The car slows down and it’s like the air goes quiet as well. Raj finds a parking spot and then shuts the engine off. But before he opens the door, he turns towards the woman in white and asks her, “I am sorry and where are my manners! My name is Raj and what do people call you?” To which the woman in white replies with a smile on her face, “Pari. People call me Pari.” Ever since his break-up, Raj stopped believing in love but when he hears her name, Raj knows, without a shadow of a doubt, in his heart, that for the very first time in his life, Raj knows what Love At First Sight feels like!

3!

Both Raj and Pari are walking towards the main door. They both can hear the loud music which is trying to tear the sound everywhere. The windows reverberate the vibrations and within a few seconds they both arrive at the main door. The door is unlocked as it should be given the number of people arriving for the party. Raj looks towards Pari. He gives her a look of pure joy, like he has found a lost treasure. Raj takes his hand to open the door but then Pari stops him and tells him, “Thank you Raj. You really helped me tonight. I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it here but because I met you, I am here, home, with my parents. I am never going to forget what you did for me.” To which Raj blushes and replies, “It’s ok. You don’t have to thank me. All I did was gave a lift to a kind soul who wanted to surprise her parents.” To which Pari replies, “Trust me, you have done more than that.”

2!

Raj opens the door and as soon as he does, his eyes are blinded with the flashing lights and smoke. His ear drums feel like they are about to burst. But raj finds his footing and the moment he looks towards Pari, she is gone. Raj looks around, left and right and his eyes try to gaze every inch of the room but he can’t find Pari. He can’t find the Woman In White. Raj tries to squeeze his broad, athletic body amongst the people dancing and twirling. He is confused and angry on himself that how could he loose Pari so quickly. He had promised her that he would record her when the new year began. He keeps looking but doesn’t find Pari anywhere. In his quest to find the enchanting woman, he stumbles upon a man and a woman, both whom tend to be in their early 50’s. Their Hair Grey, their eyes, protected by glasses and their faces long, which shows that they have seen life more than others. They smile but they aren’t smiling from the heart. They hold each other’s hands and are counting down the numbers. Raj’s eyes suddenly catches a glimpse of a photo and a face he can never forget. The photo is of Pari and oh my does she look beautiful in it. Even in this picture, she is wearing the same white satin dress, just as she is tonight. Raj is delighted and has a feeling that the people standing next to him must be her parents. Raj feels that he should stand next to them and soon Pari would find them. Raj’s guilt has gone and a sense of joy returns to his face.

1! 

He looks and waits for Pari with awaited breath and he takes out his phone and keeps it on record. He knows any moment now she is going to come and surprise her parents. He is filled with excitement!

0!

The whole room erupts together the words, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Raj looks through the crowd but he doesn’t see Pari. “Where is she?” He murmurs to himself. But then, the music quiets down and the whole room goes silent, like someone reduced the volume of a song drastically. All the guests started looking towards the direction of the couple who were standing next to Raj and even Raj gazes his eyes towards them. He notices both of them are crying and smiling at the same time and they both turn towards the picture of Pari and see in a very hush voice, “Happy Birthday Beta. I hope this joy, gives you joy as well. We love you and we will always miss you.” They both wipe their tears and turn toward the crowd and they say, “Thank you all for coming tonight. We all loved Pari very much. Not a day goes by that we don’t want her back. It was this day, 3 years ago that she was coming home to meet us and to be with us. But she was taken away from us on that lonely road when she was only minutes away from us. If that man wasn’t drinking, she would had been her with us. We have cried and grieved over her for all this time. But this year, we decided that we won’t mourn our Pari but celebrate the life she had and the joy that she gave us. I really hope that by celebrating tonight, we have somehow given her soul rest and that she is smiling at us from heaven.” The couple then say, “Happy New Year Pari!” And with that the entire crowd also repeats the words, “Happy New Year Pari!”

Raj is numb. Raj is silent. Raj doesn’t believe what he has heard. It can’t be! Pari was with him. He picked her up. He spoke to her! He felt the connection with her! Raj wants to say a thousand things but not a single word comes out of his mouth. His mind is all over the place. But then as his pulse quiets down, he looks at Pari’s Parents and then to Pari’s Photo. He keeps looking at her is again lost in her beauty. Raj understands now. Raj understands everything. Raj did keep his promise to her. Raj smiles and as he does, a tear rolls down his eye. He picks up his phone and presses it on record and looks at the frame of Pari and says in silence, for he wants this moment to only be his. He says. “Happy New Year Pari. Happy new Year My Woman In White.”

The End.

"Live. Hunt. Kill. Die. Respawn. Repeat."

 The grass is lush and green. The wind is quiet. Even the birds know not to fly today. There is something in the air. Everyone can feel it. The man next to me and to my right. These aren't men who are divided but united by a single cause. To defeat the enemy. We wait for the commands from our fearless senior officer. We wait in terror and in courage. Suddenly, we hear the wind change. It starts to roar and we see a tornado coming towards us. We know what must be done and without hesitation we rise up and start running towards where our enemy is hiding. Bullets race across these once quiet lands. Comrades and brothers whom we loved fall to their deaths like flies. This place is worse than hell. But this place is called earth. Once a peaceful planet, now ravaged by greed and power by men and who think it is ok to burn it to ashes. We are the few soldiers and armies left who stand to protect the freedom of the innocent and the last known resources left to survive. We are the last few left who can fight for this world. We are the only few left who will die trying. Welcome to Battlefield!

If you thought this is a plotline for a major Hollywood blockbuster, you are wrong. This, in fact is a baseline story for the latest Battlefield game called Battlefield 2042 or BF2042. As you can see, video games are just like movies and in this blog, I wanted to share with you, the amazing world of video games and how these video games changed my life for the better. I always wanted a War to Fight and now, through video games, I live in those battles everyday. :-)

To understand something that is happening to us now, we must always go back to the beginning, for whatever and whoever we are, is always connected to our past. So let me take you on a trip down memory lane and make you relive what I lived for so many years. 

I remember, when I was like 8 years old and Media Mega Drive had come out and me, being the over excited kid that I was told my mom to take me to Sayonara, the biggest electronics and toy store near our house, so that I could get my hands on this amazing new gaming console which had just released. I still remember the excitement and look on my face when the owner brought the this mega machine and kept in front of me. I was nearly about to cry with excitement! That evening, my cousins came over and all were as excited as me to play Media Mega Drive. We opened it, installed all the remotes and wires and switched on the tv. Well, the rest was history. We all were playing for hours and hours and none of us wanted to give the chance to the other since there were only 2 remote controls to play with. Whether it was the All-Time Classic Super Mario Bros., or Super Contra or Jungle Ride, me and my cousins were hooked. From then on, every weekend, it was gaming time for hours. And the best part was we only had a few titles to play with but were so happy playing them over and over again. What did I know then that the sheer enjoyment and excitement of playing Media Mega Drive would one day become such an important part of my life.

I was a 90's kid and at that point in time, the video game business was thriving. Well, it wasn't the Multi-Billion Dollars industry it is today but a lot of kids were getting happier. Even India, as a country was importing many a consoles which meant, I would soon get my hands on all the latest consoles which were releasing. I am so lucky and blessed to say that I have played game titles on almost every gaming console which came out. Whether it was Tetris on the Nintendo Gameboy, Street Fighter on Nintendo 32-Bit, Mortal Combat on Sega Mega Drive or Tom Cat Alley on the Sega Media Drive, I have played them all and as you guessed it, loved every moment doing so. But video games was more like a pop culture for us kids and in a way, bragging rights to be the 'cool' kid in school. My point is, during the early to late 90's, video games were booming and also a lot stigmas attached to them. That video games aren't good for kids. That kids don't study well after playing them and that their eyes get spoilt and what not. But no matter what the world was thinking, there was one boy in Mumbai (Bombay at that time) who was very happy being lost in this beautiful world which was created by only inserting a few wires into the power cords. :-)

I guess by now, I don't have to tell you more about how much I have loved video games and how they have always been a part of me growing up. And you also must be wondering why I have kept Live-Hunt-Kill-Die-Respawn-Repeat as my blog title. Well, if I don't keep the best parts for later, how will I make you read my entire blog and also create an algorithm so this blog can be read by so many other? But jokes apart, I, myself didn't know that video games would become the gateway to my soothing happiness. A place where I go and I feel only happiness. Let me explain ...

I always believed I was a Soldier. Whether that was an Indian Special Forces Commando or a Seal Team Six Navy Seal or a United States Marine Corps Special Forces member, the Army and Soldiers have always fascinated me. I had this urge to be on the Battlefield and fight the good fight with my brothers. There was always this need and hunger to always keep fighting. So you can imagine how happy I felt when I got my hands on the Campaigns of Call Of Duty and Battlefield! I was like a kid on Christmas day except, it was Christmas for me every time I switched on the PlayStation and heard Capt. Price say, "Cheeky Bastard". And oh my did I play those campaigns over and over again! Whether it was with the Speakers on Full Blast or when I couldn't sleep at night, Battlefield and Call Of Duty were always there to give me my happy pill. But little did I know that most exhilarating rush was still yet to come.

This shift or 'explosion' came in my life post my marriage. I believe everything in life happens for a reason and I believe everything in life is connected and happens for only our good. I am now married to the most loving, caring and supportive wife any man can have and it was my wife, Madalsa who told me to give MULTIPLAYER Games a chance since the COD (Call Of Duty for short) which was released in 2018, titled Black Ops 4 didn't have a story driven campaign mode. At first, I was very hesitant as in the past, I was never inclined towards Multiplayer games. Back then, it was only the rush of the campaign which excited me. But since I didn't have the option of the campaign I was like, "Ya fine, I will give Multiplayer a shot and see what happens. Worst to worst I'll try it, not like it and wait for another whole year until the next Cod game arrives, hopefully with a campaign." 

But as fate would have it, the exact opposite happened! I was hooked to the world of multiplayer! Remember when I told you earlier that I always loved fighting? Well, in MP (short for multiplayer) I got to experience that rush a billion times more! It was like how that saying goes, "Once The Lion (Or Tiger) Tastes Blood, It Can't Ever Stop Eating."

It was October 2018 to this day today. My life completely changed. I was more in love with Video Games it was all thanks to my wife urging me to try MP and experience something new and challenging and trust me, it gets very challenging to play these games online. What I mean is, you come across so many players from all around the world who are so good in playing these games. There have been days, when I have died 72 times in one round and there have been times when I have called in a Nuke in a match. 

Today, just before writing this blog, I finished setting up my gaming room. This room which I have at home is like a Mini Temple for me. It is a room where I come to everyday and a place I somewhat worship. It is a room where I come and put on my headphones and switch off the world outside. It is place where I go online and go to war everyday with people whom I will never meet. It is a sanctuary where I improve my skills and Stream Live On Twitch. (Search Meem0h on twitch). It is a room which wouldn't had been possible without my wife's support and a very dear friend of mine, Tushar. This gaming room is my home within my home.

So how do I explain to you the joys I feel here? How do I write in words how good these battles and wars and gunplay make me feel? How do I tell how good it feels to find a camper and spray bullets on him, only to find him again, camping in another part of the map and yet doing the same thing again to him? How do I make you feel this peace I feel. This isn't just gaming for me, this is a world I have created for me. A safe space where I LIVE as a Soldier, HUNT like a Predator, KILL like a Monster, DIE like a Mortal, RESPAWN like a Ghost and REPEAT like a Robot. :-)

So before I go I just wanted to say that we all need our safe spaces. Our spaces of wonder. Our spaces of escape. I am lucky to have found mine and I hope one day you found yours as well.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakarborty.

See You At The Battlefield.:-)

 

Therapy Is Well … Therapeutic. :)

I’m glad I do therapy. I mean, not all can admit when they need help but I am glad and proud to be one of the few who admit that therapy has really changed my life. 

We all need help. In some form or another. Someone needs financial help. Or emotional help and sometimes it’s just help to carry the groceries. We are humans not super heroes. We all need our saving. I was and I still am one of them. One of the many who needs saving and for a very long time, I had convinced myself that I don’t need it. Call it ego or pride or just a fake male bravado, I kept telling myself for years that I am ok and strong enough to deal with the problems and challenges the world throws at me. But I was wrong and I am so glad I was. 

I believe in fate. I believe we all come with a destiny and when you trust the process, you come to understand that everything happens at the right time, at the right place and for the right reasons. Therapy is in my life because I do believe it is for the greater good and for a purpose which is beyond my comprehension. Of course, I won’t be able to tell you what I discuss with my therapist but I can of course tell you how much therapy has unraveled me in front of my own eyes. I understand myself more better now and therapy works because you are shedding your mask and being absolutely vulnerable and truthful to a stranger who’s only job is to make you better. There are no judgements nor any comparisons nor disappointments. There are only solutions to problems which we create in our own minds. 

I used to keep asking myself, why am I so stuck up on things. Why am I so rigid and such a pain in the ass. Through therapy I realized that it was because I was afraid of change. Afraid to step into the unknown and feel lost. Through each session of talking and debating and understanding, it has come to my attention that the only person blocking me from me being who I truly am, is ME. My own thoughts which I have knotted tight in my brain. It’s not my emotions which are the problem, it’s the thoughts which control them. When people ask me to sum up how good therapy is, I just tell them it’s me, unknotting those constant negative thoughts in my brain, one thread at a time. One session at a time. :)

I am not here publicizing therapy nor am it’s brand ambassador. If I wanted to promote my therapist, I would had told you who that person was and would had even given the person’s contact details here. But this blog isn’t about that. This blog is an attempt to show you that it’s ok to ask for help and to seek help and that there is nothing wrong to be weak. In fact, I believe that when a person admits that he/she needs help, it is actually, a sign of great strength and courage. I know that society considers therapy a taboo but therapy just doesn’t imply that you need to talk to a certified expert. Therapy means that you talk. Just talk it out. Vent out and feel lighter and better. Keeping things inside and trying to deal with your problems on your own doesn’t do you any good. Trust me, I know. Talk to people whom you can trust. Speak your heart and be yourself and I promise you that you will feel better. No matter how alone you feel, I do believe that the almighty has given us at least one person with whom we can shed our skin and be real with. I really hope you have that person in your life right now as you read this. 

Whether it was my last blog about captain America or the blog previous to it about CrossFit, I know all these blogs are a part of who I am and even writing this blog right now is therapy for me. I am in a way, venting, letting out my emotions and feeling better about myself. :) I have also understood that I am fine the way I am. Whether I am bruised, battered or even broken, underneath all the struggle and the pain and the insecurities and tears, I am still a Pure Bad Ass, just like all of you, for we all fight. The only sadness is that we don’t seem to care about it. But therapy reminds me everyday that I need to be me. Therapy reminds me to care because I like caring. Caring about the people I love and lifting people who have fallen for I was also once fallen. I like motivating people because I know how it feels like to be ridiculed and to be told that I am worthless. I like bringing people together because I am tired of seeing people putting lines in the sand for their religions and their gods and their lands. I want to see this world to be a better place because I do believe in hope and miracles and the divine intervention of the cosmic energy. I want to be the best version of myself even if the world doesn’t see it. I want to be me because simply, it’s just very therapeutic for me. :)

So here I am telling you once again that it’s ok to be weak and vulnerable for only when you admit that you need help can you actually learn to be free. Only when you accept that life broke you can you learn to build yourself up again. Only when you let go of all that anger and resentment can you actually forgive yourself. Only when you learn from the past can you embrace your future. You just have to learn to not be so hard on yourself. It’s ok to screw up. To have a mis step and fall. What matters is how many times you get back again. We are human beings. We are capable of horrible wars we have waged on each other and we are also capable of hugging our enemy and making him our friend. I tell you, it’s ok to be you because you are amazing just the way you are. :)

So this is me and this is my story and yes, I do need help. I found that help and I really hope you find yours as well. 

Thanking you from the bottom of my heart, 

Cause I’m just another random blogger trying to make a difference. 

With all respects,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 

What Does It Take To Be Righteous ...

 I was there. When End Game released in the theatres and when that iconic moment happened! Thor and iron man were getting beat by the mad titan Thanos and then suddenly you saw Mjornir rise from the ground and hit Thanos. But then the hammer went into the hands of Captain America and you could hear Thor said, "I knew it!" It was one of the most iconic moments in Movie History! The eruption of the entire cinema hall was an added bonus to the euphoria Steve Rogers caused! At that moment, along with the goosebumps, all I could feel was, WOW! Captain America is so worthy! I mean he is the one human being who picked up the hammer! That got me thinking and thus started my youtube searches for, 'When did steve rogers become worthy?' and so on ... The more I saw videos and read theories of comic book fans, the more I understood that Steve just wasn't worthy, he was also Righteous! 

If you google Righteousness, you will see it means, 'Acting in accord with divine or moral law. Free from guilt or sin. Morally right or justifiable. Arising from an outraged sense of justice and morality. 

So the question rises ... in our current world, what does it really take to become righteous? And do we even want to be righteous?

We are flawed creatures and I know no one can be perfect. We all have our vices and weaknesses. The good and the bad is within us all and it is ok to error. I know I am not perfect. I know I am flawed and broken but I still have this urge, this hunger to find out who I am. Imagine a quest. A quest which has no end. A journey of self discovery which honestly, doesn't have a destination. Even as I am writing this, I am looking. Looking for something within me to make sense of it all. Maybe that is why I am who I am. Over the course of my life, I have truly begun to love myself for now I am friends with the soul within me. That soul which hungers for salvation and nirvana. That soul which knows I am meant to go where I have never gone before. 

So what will it take for me to be righteous? My devotion to my parents? Or the love to the people who matter to me? Or by giving it my very best to make my dreams come true everyday? To be honest, I think in order to be righteous one has to first accept that they aren't right at all. In my life, just like the billions out there, I have made mistakes. But today, I have learnt from my mistakes and more importantly, I have accepted those mistakes and learnt to move on from them. We can lie to the world as much as we want but we can't lie to ourselves. To our souls. We must first accept who we are. Who we truly are in order to become free. I know who I am now. I am a regular joe, just like everyone else with a fire burning in me. A fire to push harder. A fire that burns because I know I still have a lot to learn and to grow. I can't ever stop. I can't stop trying and giving and getting up every time I fall. I just can't. Maybe that is why I show up to Crossfit everyday. Maybe that is why after every WOD, when I am tired and don't have a single ounce of breath left in my body, I want to train again. Maybe that is why everyday I wake up with the same hopes and dreams I had yesterday. Maybe one day, when I have finally given my all, will I be able to come close to being truly righteous. 

But what if just giving your blood, sweat and tears isn't enough? What will it take to truly be a noble soul? To have no sin in oneself and to finally kneel before God and tell him/her that I am worthy to be Righteous? I think it is the culmination of everything. The good and the bad. The light and the darkness. The love and the hate. All of it. Without fear, without remorse. To be broken yet stand tall. To fight when all is lost. To hope even when the dark is darkest for only in that darkness are you truly defined. All my life, I have carried guilt and failure on my shoulders. But now, I use that same guilt and failure as my passion. Passion which fuels me to train harder. To give more. To wake up and embrace the pain. To look at the darkness straight in the eye and say, "I am not afraid of you for you make me strong." Today, I am not learning how to bear the storm, today, I am becoming the storm! And I hope by reading this, I can help and motivate at least one person on earth to seek their righteousness. For aren't we trying to be the best versions of ourself? Aren't we trying to do good in this dark world? Aren't we trying to find our way to God? 

To love our parents, to share laughter with our friends, to motivate a downed soul, aren't these things to become righteous? Honestly, after all these years, I have understood one thing and that is if I 'try' to become righteous, I will never be righteous if my intention comes out of necessity rather than out of love. Steve Rogers never planned to become Worthy or Righteous. He was just himself and he always did what he thought was the right thing to do, even though it would make a single voice against a majority. He was always himself. Steve Rogers, was always, Steve Rogers. Maybe that is how one day I will become righteous, by me, just being me. By waking up in the morning and having the same hope I had yesterday. By loving the world and choosing kindness over anger. By being kind over showing strength. By just smiling into the empty void and not being afraid. By loving my parents and siblings and to see them smile. By never letting that fire inside of me go out. By looking at defeat and saying to it on its face, "Not Today. Not Today." By never ever giving up. Ever.

Maybe one day, you never know, I might be able to lift Thor's Hammer like Steve Rogers after all. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

And I want to one day want to become Righteous.

***********************************************************************************

A ‘Crossfit’ Of Emotions …

Before you ask, let me tell you what CrossFit is. It is the short form for Cross Functional Fitness which focuses on Strength derived from Olympic Weightlifting and Functional Cardiovascular Movements. Combine these two in a class of 60mins and what you get is a feeling only the few in this world truly know. 

I’ve been doing CrossFit in and out for about 7-8 years now but since the 3rd wave of covid came and went, I have been full on into CrossFit. Like going for 5 days a week and being the strongest guy in the box. I still suck at cardio but hey, I ain’t giving up. 

So that’s what CrossFit is. A whirlwind of emotions ‘cause everyday there is a new WOD (workout) written on the board and it’s challenging everyday. Emotions go up and down like you are on a roller coaster and by the end of it you and only you know what you have been through. 

My life or should I say my emotions and emotional thoughts have somewhat been a mix of whirlwinds as well. Kinda like clothes in a washing machine. And it is these thoughts I wanna share with you today. Maybe, somewhere in my gut, sharing these emotions is the way for me to know what I am or maybe what I am becoming …

Zayde Wolfe has become one my favourite music artists in recent years now. If you are a fan of New Age Rock then Zayde Wolfe is the guy you should search for. I love his music and especially when it comes to my CrossFit sessions. Like for instance today, we had Front Squats and as always, I lifted the heaviest, touching 120kgs for 3 Reps on 3 separate occasions! While I was doing the lifts, with zayde’s music in my AirPods, all I was telling myself was, “This Is My House!” Those words came from a place of dominance and confidence. I knew I could lift those weights and I did. Not once but thrice. Post that my thoughts took me to the CrossFit games where I was seeing the world’s greatest lift astronomical weights and defy gravity and runs for miles without any sign of fatigue and I saw one of the competitors yell and scream and say the same words, “This is My House!” Is this a sign that I feel the same way he did? This power which I know I have and backing it up every time I break my own PR? Only time will tell …

The other night, I started watching Reacher on amazon prime. The first shot and introduction of Jack Reacher is that he gets out of a bus at a quiet bus stop and then just keeps walking. Alone. Watching him walk, suddenly made me feel that I was walking. That I was reacher. That I was in this quiet town in America and just walking. Alone. I don’t know. Honestly, I STILL don’t know why being alone gives me so much of comfort. What is it about being alone that is so satisfying for me? Is it a quest I am on? Am I looking for something? Have I already found it? I honestly don’t know but what I do know is that there is this joy, a dark cold joy in me which hungers to be alone. Another Mimoh in me who wants to wander and explore and see and touch and smell the world alone. Who wants to walk alone. Like a calling I can’t mute. Like a hunger I can’t resist. A voice in me repeating the same words again and again, “Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf”

And then comes the military. I know people around the world don’t believe so much reincarnations but I 100% know that in my previous birth I was a soldier on the front lines and fighting for something worth dying for. The army, the marines, the rangers, oh, they feel so right. So true to me. Like I am in sync with every tune playing. There is something so incredible about being a soldier. About completing a mission. About challenging yourself and pushing your own boundaries. I just can’t shake the feeling. Maybe, just maybe, that is why I do CrossFit. Maybe that is why I fight. Maybe that is why I chose to be alone. I don’t know. Maybe you can help me out on this. 

See, everybody fights. Everyone has a struggle I know nothing about. And I’m not here to tell how shitty I sometimes feel or how bad things can get. I can’t relate to all but I do relate to a few. I relate to the guy who wants to loose weight. I relate to the woman who has having difficulty squating. I relate to people who show up everyday just because they wanna get better. Maybe that is why I try. That is why I try and help that guy do one more rep. Maybe that is why I like motivating people and making them realise that greatness is in all of us. Maybe that is why I hope that one day we all make our dreams come true. 

After reading this, you might be as confused as I am ‘cause I know I am in a tornado of thoughts and emotions. But I wrote this because I wanna de clutter my mess. One thought at a time. One blog at a time. And one emotion at a time. 

With All My Gratitude,

A very confused writer,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 

***************************************************

Of Gods, Monsters And Men ...

“You know who we are. We are the Architects of creation and time itself. We were here before and we will be here after. We have seen what was and we know what will come to be. But even in our immortal journey towards the nothingness we have never encountered a more fierce and dangerous being like the one we call The Lone Wolf. This being isn’t a being at all. He … He is something else entirely …”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

She is so beautiful! Yes, she is! If you were here you would had agreed with the same. This woman is truly a creation of god and in my entire lifetime, I have never met a soul who could make my heart race the way she does. She sleeps peacefully. Not a worry in a world. Her hair which is like silk, beautifully touches her neck and she inhales breathe like a music tone. I can’t blink, I don’t want to blink because if I do, I will miss out a second of looking at her. This woman is the woman of my dreams. She gave me love and showed me what love truly was. I have never felt more alive before, never felt so complete. I knew that I was destined for great things but I never knew that I would be meant for such love, joy and bliss. I don’t want to move because I don’t want the creek of the wood to wake her up. There have been so many days in our lives when I have woken up before her just to see how beautifully she slept. There were times when I wanted to just hold her and cry. Cry tears of joy ‘cause I could feel that joy engulf me whenever I looked at her. But today, I am not waking her up because I won’t be able to look at her. I won’t be able to look at her when I pull the trigger of the magnum which is pointing at her. But before you hate me for the horrible crime that I am about to commit, I would want you to know how I got here. That how a being like me, who found everlasting love, could find the strength to destroy the one thing that makes him complete. Well, for that you have to go back to the beginning. The beginning where I wasn’t just a being … but a God!

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Eons ago. Heaven. Yes, heaven. A place every human has his/her own iteration off. A place which co-exists with words like peace, joy and tranquility. But sorry to break your bubble, it isn’t all birds chirping and animals dancing. This is the place I used to call home. Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t introduce myself to you. My name is Lucifer and I am God’s second son. You see, heaven, just like every other place in the cosmos had management issues, dirty politics, bitching and inferiority complexes. And that is why when I revolted, I was punished. I was punished by dad for not obeying him. And why did I choose to defy him? It was because I refused to love his creation more than I loved him! I mean, call me old school but I was taught to always love your parents first and when Dad told us that from now, our one true goal and mission was to love humanity, I jolted from my seat and said No! Of course, there was a eerie silence which followed that but then Dad being dad wouldn’t let anyone else be more commanding than him. So he did what he does best. He showed his might to us all and gave me a punishment I didn’t expect. I was thinking the worst the old man would do would be to banish me to hell for a 1,000 years! But instead he said I would be stripped off my wings and would be cast down to earth! Before I could say anything, I could feel the floor beneath me crack open. There was the sound of rumble everywhere and the eyes of every other angel was on me. It wasn’t the look of shock but a look of shame and disgust. I could sense their judgmental eyes prying me and I bet there was a slight smirk in all off their faces as well! A moment later I fell and kept falling. It felt like time had slowed down ‘cause I could feel my wings tearing away from me. I felt it all! Every feather withering away, every nerve ending getting bled out, I felt it all. And in the distance above, I could see heaven sealing it’s doors to me for all of eternity. The place I called home, the place where I truly belonged had casted me out only because I was brave enough to have a voice against an authority who didn’t like to be told what was good for him! A moment later, which felt like centuries I fell on earth! Like a dying meteorite I fell in this lush green land. When I gained the strength to wake up and finally accept this fate which befell upon me, I, for the first time saw earth and at that very moment, I truly wished that I was in Hell!

"If you battle monsters, you don't always become a monster. But you aren't entirely human anymore, either."

-Jonathan Maberry

This place, apparently dad’s ‘greatest’ creation wasn’t that great to begin with. I mean, sure it had a lot of colour and tress and plants and animals and rivers flowing with crystal clear water and ya, sometimes the view of the sun setting was beautiful but overall, I didn’t like it here. This wasn’t a place for me to cherish, this was my prison. A place where I was damned for all eternity. I tried going back. I tried killing myself so my soul could go back but dad, being the wise ass he was, gave me unbreakable skin and an unimaginable amount of strength. It was like he was still toying with me. He took away my wings but left the rest, some kind of a half-cooked joke with no laughter at the end, well at least no laughter for me. I knew that every time I screamed my lungs out and sat alone in a corner with tears rolling down my face, the angels up there in heaven, especially my elder brother Michael would be having the laugh of his life! That angel was always trying to impress dad and he did a fine job at it. Always noble. Always following orders. Phff! What an obedient, kiss-ass child he is dad must be thinking. Maybe that’s why dad threw me here. Maybe he saw me as a threat. Maybe that’s why I become this … this thing from a god! After what felt like years, I gave up. I stopped screaming. I stopped the yelling and I stopped feeling sad for myself. Maybe, just maybe I thought that if I would actually embrace this punishment I would show them upstairs that I am worthy of their forgiveness. So I did what any immortal being would do, I started walking. Yes, walking. I just walked and with every walking step, I took it all in. The breath, the air, the light, the night, the weather, everything. But one day when I was walking my eyes spotted something. Something that didn’t quite fit the bill of this so-called ‘Paradise’. I saw two men fighting. From the distance I couldn’t understand why they were doing what they were doing but one was protecting himself and screaming, “Don’t do this Cane!” while the other had a knife in his hand and was screaming, “I hate you Abel!”. And in the very next moment I saw that knife pierce through that Abel fellow and then, there was blood everywhere and then he was gone. He died! Like, gone forever! I thought that wasn’t possible here on earth. But that moment for some sadistic reason, a smile came on my face because I knew right there and then that God didn’t create his most precious creation … what he made was monsters!

"I think you have to know who you are. Get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it."

-Tori Amos

That was earth’s 1st murder. A human killing another human. It was unexpected. I mean, sure, God gave these creatures a thing called ‘Free Will’ but who knew that they would end up killing each other with that kind of freedom and power. But what happened, happened and I told myself that isn’t my business to attend too and I resumed my long walk to nowhere when suddenly I heard a very familiar voice. At first, I thought it was a trick. A trick by the ones sitting upstairs to make a mockery out of me but when I turned around, I saw that he was standing there! All commanding and all powerful! It was my Dad, God himself, here on earth! He had surely made some upgrades to his appearance from the last time that I had seen him. I guess he wanted a more human look to ‘fit in’ here on earth. Long, white hair, with a grey beard and a silk robe with a bag on his right shoulder and those wooden slippers humans wore. I had to admit, the all-powerful creator knew how to look good! As I approached him, he had his eyes looked towards the horizon. No Hi, no Hello, no greeting, just a creepy silence which made me very uncomfortable. I wanted to ask him … I wanted to know whether this was the end of my punishment here. Whether it was finally time for me to go home. But before I could ask him, he started talking. He told me, “I flawed. I … I didn’t create that something perfect I wanted too. Look at this travesty. Look at this sadness that has engulfed this beautiful planet. I can feel the stench. I can feel the anger and hatred in the hearts of men growing. Mankind is flawed and I know that I and only I am to blame.” This was typical dad. Good at taking the sympathy but none of the blame. He had a way with things and I realised this wasn’t the moment of my salvation, so I started walking again and tried ignoring his presence but then he called for me and I froze dead at my tracks ‘cause after centuries I heard him call my name. He said, “Luci, … I need you to do a task for me. I … I need you to clean up this mess for me.” I didn’t know what to say ‘cause I had never felt such anger before! I mean can you believe this guy! Not only does he loathe in front of me but he wants me to do his bidding now! And then I said, “What makes you think that I would ever listen to you and do your dirty work for you? You banished me here, remember? You left me here to rot and now suddenly, I am the one who will get the job done? Oh hell no! I would rather be stuck here for all eternity than to ever listen to you again!” And then I just started pacing away from him because I knew that I couldn’t stay a moment longer in his presence. But then, … oh that smart intellectual being gave me that yorker. He told me something that even if I wanted I couldn’t ignore. He told me, “Luci, my son, do this for me and I promise you, you will come back to heaven.”

"The monster was the best friend I ever had."

-Boris Karloff

“What did you just say? I would be allowed back in heaven? You sure you aren’t just busting my balls again?”. “No Luci, I swear I mean it. If you do what I ask of you, I promise I will come and take you back up there myself.” Even though I didn’t believe a word he said, I was truly intrigued to know what it was that I had to do. “So what is it that I have to do?”. “Luci, you saw what happened here. it was a crime, an atrocity. And now I know that mankind will always be flawed. There will be people who will stand for good but I also know that there will be men who will choose evil doings. Who will choose hate over love and give in to their temptations. And being God, I can’t just sit and watch this happen. So what I want you to do is to make these evil men pay for their sins. I want you to rid the earth of the evil that it will produce.” “So what are you saying? I go and kill these people because they are causing havoc and terror on your precious earth?”. “Luci, my son, listen to me, I do have all the might and power and yes, I am the divine creator of everything but even I know that there are things that I can do and things I can’t. And when I gave these mortals Free Will, I also gave them the power to choose what choice they will make. And as I said, there will be many who will choose good but there will also be people who will always want evil to triumph over the good and if you really want to impress me and show that you are worthy of coming back to heaven, then obey my command!”. There it was again, his commanding, egoistic voice. That rise in the pitch came every time he sensed his position wasn’t being valued or respected. “Fine. I will do as you command. I will scorch the earth of all the evil there is. I will become your instrument of justice and show these evil men that when you choose evil, you will be Punished.” “But Luci, there is one thing you should know.” I knew the old man wouldn’t make it easy for me. “What is it?” I asked. “You have to always be in the shadows. You can never let mankind know of your existence. I mean yes, they do believe that a heaven and hell exists but as immortal gods we can’t physically show them that we exist, ‘cause that would break their fabric of reality. You can never show case your talents of justice and vengeance to the world. You will do my bidding but in the stillness of the night and from the shadows. No one will know who you are and no one will know the power you possess.” Now, what do I say to that? “So that does it. From now on, I give you the strength to be my bounty hunter. To be my instrument of justice. To become a Punisher. Wherever and whenever evil persists you will take it down. You will destroy the evil from it’s very soul and sent it straight to hell. And when earth no longer has evil brewing, you will be given your right to come back home.” “Fine, I will become your rider. I will become the monster who will fight these monsters. I will become your Punisher.”

"May the same Almighty Goodness banish the accursed monster, war, from all lands, with her hated associates, rapine and insatiable ambition!"

-Daniel Boone

And so it began. My journey. The long road ahead was looking at me with it’s emptiness. God had left the building and left me to watch over earth as he had commanded me to do so. I was the Lone Wolf who walked the planet in search of evil. And yes, I did find it. I found it in men and women. I found evil when people lied, when they cheated and when they killed each other. Whenever there was a crime committed, I could feel my stomach turn. Like a vomit I needed to throw up. That was the sensation that evil was meant to be Punished. I had my ways. I would sneak in to their houses when they slept. Would creep in into their nightmares. Or I would just confront them when they were in their weakest moment and judge them. I would sometimes burn them alive. Sometimes I would slit their throats and sometimes, just for fun I would just give them the stare of penance. At first, it was like a task. I mean, evil was everywhere you know! But as days turned into months and months turned into years, I started enjoying this. I guess there was a part of me which was made for this. I really started understanding human behaviour. You won’t believe how much you can learn from the shadows. Human beings are weird. They are capable of giving each other endless love and they are also capable of completely destroying each other. Slowly slowly, I figured them out. I understood why they fought. I came to realise not all killing was murder. Some fought for freedom while some killed to protect their families. And so, I decided I would amp up my lust for blood and Punishment. So I became one of them. I pretended to be one of them. I started talking like them and behaving like them but at the back of my mind I knew the condition that the almighty laid on me. “Never let them know who you are.” So I became the servant who would serve kings their food. I became the guard who would protect the queens and in time, I became the Soldier who would be in the formation line, ready to die for country. And I saw great men rise and fall. I was there when the greatest warrior in history touched his feet at the beaches of troy. I was there when the king of the new world conquered it all. I was right there beside him, with shield and armour when he defeated the Persian army. I was there when the scariest Moghul rose and conquered villages in the east. I was there when men with their golden armour hanged a man who I truly believed was the son of God. I was there when a great man from the west fought to abolish slavery. I was there when the world united and hit the beaches of normandy to rid the earth of the most horrific evil it ever created. I was there when men in uniforms bombed and destroyed a regime which only wanted people to live in fear. I was witness to it all. From the outside, you wouldn’t ever believe I was the Punisher of Evil. But from underneath I knew what I had become. I was truly a monster who knew only bloodshed and relished on death. I became the Grim Reaper and with every strike of my blade, with every life I took, I had become the thing I was truly destined to be. I had become The God Of War.

"When someone asks, 'Does success make you into a monster?' I always say, 'No, it enables you to be a monster."

-Simon Cowell

There is a famous saying I’ve heard humans say to each other. “If you wanna make god laugh, then make plans.” I never knew what that meant until I met her. It was nearly 3000 years since Dad commanded me and since then I have had many names and identities. Sometimes I was the young lad who just graduated from oxford, sometimes I was the quiet guy people avoided and sometimes I was the man who gave everyone those awkward smiles. Now? Now, I am a Marine named Michael Shaw who just came back from his third tour and is now residing in Tennessee. Since all the wars I have fought and the lives I have taken, Earth seems to be in a very calm place. Maybe, my job is done or maybe evil will rise up again for me to take it down. If I am still here that means my job of killing isn’t over yet. In these days of normalcy, I had decided that I would visit the local library and see if my name or something about me had ever come across in the history books, ‘cause I don’t want Dad to find anything to keep me here. As I was strolling this quiet place,I came across a woman. Yes, a woman. A stunningly, beautiful woman. For the record, I have met many of them in my time here. But this woman, … there was something very different about her. You remember that stomach turning feeling I used to have before? Well, this time I did feel my stomach turn but it was more like there were a thousand butterflies flapping their wings together at the same time! My face turned pink and when she smiled at me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I mean, I am a God and Gods don’t get bowled over by humans. Never happened and never will. But for some reason those rules didn’t apply when she came near me. As she was approaching me, I could feel my heart skip beats. My heart?! When did I ever know I had a heart! I mean, my logic of my existence was seizing to exist the closer she was approaching. And then, it happened. She asked me, “Are you reading that or dropping that?”. For, I guess 30 seconds I was quiet and then when my senses came back in order I replied to her, “Oh, huh, I was just browsing through it. You can have it.” “Oh thank you. By the way, my name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth Perkins. But my friends call me Liz.” “Nice to meet you Elizabeth, uh, I mean Liz. My name is Michael and uh, I, I guess everyone just calls me that.” “Haha! You are funny Michael, with no nick name.” “Thank you … I guess?” “Hmm, a man of few words and a gentleman.” “ :-) “ … “So Michael, would you like to have a coffee with me once I am done carrying this book to the counter?” “Uh, uh, yes, yes I would love to have coffee with you!” After that, well, what do I say? I was taken. I was hers. I belonged to her. My every fabric was meant for her. I knew it didn’t make sense but I didn’t care. I started smiling. I laughed when we were together. We went to see the movies. We went on Dates to the mountains and the beaches. I swear, whenever she used to gaze me with those enchanting eyes of hers, I could feel like I was in heaven. Whenever we kissed, it was like time had stopped moving. And when I was in her arms, the only thing I could feel was peace. Somewhere, deep down in that blackened, destroyed soul of mine, I knew that this was my reward. That after all those years of being a monster and killing and death, I was finally rewarded with this abundant feeling of joy. I was … I was in love. And as the days passed and the  more I spent time with Liz, I could feel the monster peeling away and I was more human with her. More of a man who just wanted this woman’s love. Who wanted the simple life and make that white picket fence and make a family with her! Oh, I tell you, it was like a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from. But alas, not all things go the way we want 'cause we all know who actually holds all the strings …

"I'll say this: The scariest monster in the world is human beings and what we are capable of, especially when we get together."

-Jordan Peele

It was a night I wouldn’t ever forget. For the world, it was just another summer night with the wind teasing the leaves and the moon light just piercing through the clouds. But for me, it was a night Dad came back. I was lying in bed with Liz who was fast asleep when I felt a sense. It was a eerie feeling which I had felt before and I knew that in all of the cosmos there was only one being capable enough to make me feel this. I stepped out of bed and tried to be as quiet as I can and walked towards the hall where I saw him standing next to the window. Hands folded and yet again looking out towards the horizon. I didn’t wanted to speak because for the 1st time I didn’t wanted to go back home because I was home with Liz. But then he spoke with his all-powerful voice. He said, “You look good Luci. And I like the fact that you used your brother’s name as your own. I bet no woman would be charmed by a man who calls himself Lucifer!” He then smirked and I saw that smirk filled with taunt and insult. “What do you want dad? I kept my part of the deal. I did exactly what you asked of me. And before you say anything, I am telling you, I don’t care what your opinion or verdict is, I don’t wanna go back. I am happy where I am, so please leave and never come back.” “Hahaha! You think it’s that simple my boy? Don’t you remember I promised you that when the time comes I will personally come and take you back? Well, now is that time boy. Pack your bags, you are coming home.” “No! No, I won’t go back. I told you, I am happy here. I am happy being a human being. Please just go away. See, I am sparing you all the trouble. You don’t have to ever hear from me again. It was like I never existed.” “We are who we are son. No matter how hard you try to run away from it, no matter how much you try to convince yourself, in the end, our true selves always prevail.” I don't know why those words shook me. Like some part of me wanted to hear that. “What … what do you mean?” “You are a God my Son! A God Of War! Do you know how much you have killed? Do you know how many souls you have taken and do you know how much you have enjoyed it? You are a monster Luci. Always were. Always will be.” What was he doing to me? Why did everything he say make so much of sense? “What, what are you doing to me? Why am I feeling so weird? What is this? Is this some kind of spell you are doing on me? Stop it dad! Please stop it! What’s, … what’s happening to me. Why, … why do I feel such incredible power? What is happening to me?” I swear I could feel my blood pump. My muscles got tensed and I could feel my soul on fire. Like a light had been switched on. “Nothing is happening to you my son, I am just reminding you, the real you, who you truly are!” Why was he so right? Why was I agreeing to him? “I … I can feel it! This power, oh my, this incredible power! It’s coming back to me. I … I remember everything! All that killing! All that Punishment!” “Yes my son. Don’t you remember how much you loved it! How much you relished all those battles and wars!” “I remember father! I remember who I am. I am your Bounty Hunter. I am Your Punisher and that is who I always will be. I hated the fact that the old man was indeed right about me! Love, … love is not who I am! It won’t ever make me feel whole. War will! Blood will! Death will!” “Yes my son, my dear Lucifer, come back to me!” “Tell me what should I do Father.” “Do this one thing for me and become the son I know I can grow to accept as a boy who did that one mistake. Become the god I know I created you to be. Take this gun and put a bullet through that woman’s head who is sleeping in your room. Kill her and end this charade of love you think you deserve. Destroy this mirage and end this false reality of yours. Do as I command my son!” “Your … your wish is my command father.” He was right. He was right all along!

"There aren't that many monsters. It's very hard to create a new monster."

-George A. Romero

And there I was. That magnum in my hand. Pointing straight at her. Point blank range. The moment I squeeze the trigger, her life would seize to exist and all that I shared with this beautiful woman would be gone forever. But I know I have too. I have to end this torment. I have to end her suffering because only by doing that will I ever be free. Now I know. Now, I know that this was Dad’s plan all along. This was the Punishment he wanted to inflict upon me. It wasn’t the countless lives I took. It was this. Making me kill the one thing which made me feel whole. I could sense him standing there, besides the door. Piercing me with his eyes. Still judging me and wanting to see my suffering. I could feel immense power in me but I knew that even with all my might, I couldn’t battle the all-mighty creator. But as I saw the gun pointing towards her I sensed a feeling in me. It wasn’t anger or hatred. It was something else. A feeling of complete sense and enlightenment. I suddenly knew what it was I was meant to do. So the next moment, just before I was about to squeeze the trigger, I lowered the gun and leaned down to kiss her forehead. This one final time, I kissed her gently and looked at her. Looked at her with all my might because I knew I would never be able to look at her again. I sensed a tear fall on my cheek. And I let it. And then I walked towards dad. You would had thought I would had tried the shoot the cocky bastard for pulling such a stunt on me. But no, I didn’t do that. I gave him the gun and just hugged him. Oh yes, I hugged the old man. I hugged him tightly and I felt like I never wanted to let go. “Luci, … Lucifer, what are you doing? What. Are. You. Doing?” “I am sorry dad. I am so sorry! I never wanted to object you. I never wanted to insult you. I made a mistake and for that I am truly sorry!” “Lucifer, its … it’s ok. Let go. Let go. Let …” And then you would never guess what happened. My dad started crying. He hugged me tight and cried! Cried like a little baby! We both were crying! And oh my, it was so magical! I had never felt such tranquility. It was a moment I would never ever forget. After we regained our senses and tried pretending that it was just the ‘dust in the air that went in our eyes’ I told him what I felt had to be said. “I don’t belong in heaven dad. Truth be told, I never did. But I don’t belong here either. You were right about me. I am the God Of War and no matter how hard I try to hide that, I know I won’t ever be able to deny it. I love Liz, I truly do. But we both know she deserves better. I am not good enough for her. I have blood on my hands and a Beast like me deserves to be alone.” “What are you saying son?” “I am saying send me to Hell. Make me in-charge of Hell. I will command the dark demons there and I will torment the souls that have done evil here on earth. it was where a Monster like me truly belongs. A place surrounded by death and decay and war and waste.” “Are you sure this is what you truly want? There is still time to go back to your normal life Luci.” “No dad, you coming here was actually the truth I was hiding from. I mean, yes, I do have love in me but it took you one moment to remind me who I was. Something for years I wanted to forget but we all know that you can take the dog out of the fight but you can never take the fight out of the dog.” “Ok, my son. As you wish.” “No father, it will be as you wanted. As you had commanded all those eons ago.” “In all of my creations I never knew I would make a something so incredible as you my son. I am … I am proud of you.” “Dad, before the ‘dust’ creeps thought the window again, I think it’s time you do what you must but before I go I have just one request.” “My son … anything. Just say.” “Promise me that you will give Liz the most happiest life a mortal can have. Make her find love again. Give her strength to face all her challenges and make her the beacon of kindness and care. Make her forget me and give her all that she deserves.” “Consider it done my son.” “Thank you dad and I … I love you.” “I love you too my son and remember, you aren’t a God or a Monster or a Man … you are something much more. Something I will never be able to name.”

This is Me Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this was a story of a being who was much more than a god, monster or a man.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

*********************************************************************************************************************************