Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts

Wednesday, 8 February 2023

Fall From Heaven …

I know what it feels like to be invisible. I know because for the rest of the world, I have always been invisible. No one has asked me my name but since this is my story, I want you to know that my name is Aisha and I hail from Newport, Oregon. I have always been a loner but the one thing that has always kept me happy have been books. That is why, without a second to waste, I took the job of a Librarian when the position opened up. But I think God has a sense of humor ‘cause with making me this ‘invisible’ girl, he also made me clumsy. You see how that is a joke, right? I like books, I am a librarian but I always end tripping with those pile of books I carry! I know you are laughing but hear me out, the best part is yet to come. I get paid to remember faces and the likes and dislikes of people and what kind of books they like but I always, and I mean always end up embarrassing myself because I don’t remember who is who! I mean, in this day and age, you might think that Gen Z can just kindle their books but no! They have to come to the library and they have to come to the counter and see my blank expression when I forget who they are! Misery had a discount offer when it was dumping things on me. But my story has come to a weird place. You see, right now, I am waiting. Waiting next to the tallest roller coaster in the tri-state area cause I am about to meet the boy of my dreams. Well, before I go into the schematics of my heart and how hard it is beating, I wanna tell you that being a Librarian did finally pay off. Not just with me sitting alone after work hours and being lost in books but also it’swhere I met my Prince Charming. Those blue eyes and blonde hair with his buttery smooth skin and a physique to go, oh-la-la, a random, chance encounter where clumsy me tripped yet again and Michael was there to catch me. When I looked into his eyes, it was like all the paintings in the world got submerged into one and created this beautiful living creature. This creature who’s very purpose was to save me … from everything. So I wait. Wait in despair and excitement. In anxiety and nervousness for him to arrive and every second feels like an eternity.

 

Heights don’t frighten me. That is why whenever I have to access the ladder to keep those vintage books all the way at the top, I don’t flinch. The books falling because of my clumsiness, well, that is the different story al together and all too tragic and boring for me to discuss now. Heights, don’t scare me and that is why the screams of all the people on the roller coaster behind me doesn’t affect. This roller coaster is called ‘Fall From Heaven’. A weird name for a roller coaster but it states that it has a drop of 600 feet from the air which makes one feel that they are touching the heavens. I honestly find that funny. But now, I am not smiling. As I told you before, I wait in anticipation. I ain’tno fashion diva but when Michael told me to meet him here, I made sure I wore my dark green dress which I haven’t worn before. I know this isn’t a date but it feels like a date to me. The way he was asking me if I was ok when I was in his arms, it felt like someone was playing the violin and the nerves of my heart were it’s strings. I couldn’t hear anything beyond the words, ‘You should join me at the theme park this weekend. It’s going to be fun.” Imagine the best moment of your life happening right in front of you and you are so happy, you just keep nodding your head like an AI Robot whose circuit is all screwed up. So, I wait, trying to look pretty, in a world who has always told me I won’t be pretty enough. And then, the wait which felt like eternity ends with joy as I see Michael in the distance. Oh my, how handsome he is! That football jacket and that masculine perfume which I can smell all the way from there to here. Michael is truly too good to be true. But the moment he keeps coming to close me, I start feeling this dread. Dread, because I notice that he isn’t alone. There are a few boys and girls with him. My mind immediately tells me that this isn’t a date but just a friendly rendezvous but my heart keeps telling me to have hope as the night is still young and the miracle called Michael has already come in my life. But what happened next, ripped me to pieces. Even the shards of glass were crying when they were inflicting the pain which came when I saw Michael kissing Cassandra, the prom queen! Not only was this a ‘casual’ meet, it was also by far, the worst day of my life.

 

They say life flashes in front of your eyes when you die but I think I didn’t have to wait for my end to come for what that flash meant. Seeing Michael and Cassandra kissing and being oh, so in love was like death to me. Take it from me, don’t be like me, a loner who God abandoned and who convinced herself that God actually had made her this way so she could find true love and then marry him and become Mrs. Michael but no, God just seems to keep laughing at me, over and over again. First, with dad leaving, then the bullies at school calling me sad Wilma, you know from scooby-doo but that Wilma was classy, I, for them have always been trashy Wilma and a reject. And now … this!!! I mean, where is the fairness in all this? Why are those boys and girls and the prom queen still walking with Michael and coming towards me! Why is godstill inflicting this pain and horror on me? But as time waits for no one, that moment arrived when they all came and stood besides me and it wasn’t Michael but Cassandra who spoke to me. She said, “So you are the nerd Michael keeps talking about?” Wait, did she just call me a nerd and hold up, did she just say that Michael keeps talking about me? Is there still hope? Will Cassandra, the perfect beauty feel an insecurity by me and my love for books and knowledge and leave Michael? Can this miracle actually happen with me? Before I could start a fairy tale in my head and have three babies with Michael, it is Michael this time who speaks up and says, “She isn’t a nerd, she actually is very smart and she is helping me with my paper. Speaking of which, did you get the assignment I had told you to write?” Oh, my, god !!!Michael thinks I am smart and that is the best compliment I have ever received, well, in fact, the only compliment I have ever received! This isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Michael just didn’t save me from falling that day, he also saved me! Saved me from own despair. But wait, why is it that I am feeling a sense of dread and despair now? Oh lord, oh lord … Damn it! That’s it! It’s what Michael said AFTER the compliment which is making me sweat! That assignment! I forgot all about it! I, invisible Aisha had one job and that was to bring Michael his assignment so I could help him and he would eventually in a few years, fall in love with me but when it rains it just doesn’t pour, for me, a thunderstorm comes with it!

 

“You forgot? Are you serious right now?! You had told me that you would be delighted to do the assignment for me and when we meet here, you would give it to me and now you are telling me that you forgot all about it?! Damn it Aisha! I was so looking forward in getting a B in Literature and now thanks to you and your GREAT sense of memory I am gonna get a D-! Thanks a lot Aisha!” “Let’s just go Michael and let this person we don’t care about just stay here and let her reflect on her bad life choices!” …

I could still hear the screams from the people on the roller coaster. I could still see people buying candy and taking selfies. I could still see the world moving but I know it was moving without me. Michael and Cassandra and their clique walked away and I was there, standing alone. I was feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Hate for Cassandra, angry on Michael and pity for myself. I don’t think I would ever recover from this trauma. I don’t think I would ever be happy. My one true love has gone away and all because of my stupid memory. All because I was nodding my head like an idiot and so lost in Michael eyes, that I forgot he was also mentioning his assignment to me! My life is over. What is left now? What is there to loose? Nothing, right? And that is why, as tears were rolling down my cheeks, I decided that I would just sit on the roller coaster and never step out of it. Since my life is a whirlwind, I think being in an instrument of chaos and madness suits my life to the T. And so, alone I sat with the two seats next to me empty. I attract emptiness and so this scenario completely justifies me. The safety instructor comes and checks whether I have the belt put on tight and whether the chest rest is completely submerged and touching my breast bones. Ironic for the girl who is always clumsy. That thought almost made me laugh. And then, in a few seconds, the coaster stands to ascend. Slowly and slowly, like a tease, it ascends and everything for me becomes small. The people become small, the flashes on their phone become small and someplace, even their judgements. We finally reach the very top and in any second now, this coaster is going to descend and the screams will return. But it doesn’t move. It just lays there, like a giant, fallen asleep on the top of a mountain. I then hear the operator announcing, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. There is a small malfunction in the machine and we are already fixing it. The ride will resume shortly.” I hear murmurs and sounds of panics from the other people on the ride but I feel something else. Here, on top of the world, I sense the quietness. I feel the cold air tickling my face and just over the horizon, I see the last rays of the sun saying it’s goodbye to me. I start to cry but not because I am hurt but because I am overwhelmed with such beauty and grace. I feel like I am truly in heaven. Oh my god! This is so pretty! And then it hits me. Then I understand. I was supposeto come up here. I was suppose to see this magnificence and be in awe. I was suppose to realize what God wanted to show me after all, that being alone isn’t a wrong thing for God is with me. Being clumsy or forgetful isn’t wrong for God is always with me. Being in pain isn’t bad for God is with me. God, always has been with me. I was just too stubborn to see it. To scared to not think what others thought of me and too timid to accept that I actually was special.

 

They say, your life flashes before your eyes when you die but for me, it wasn’t death nor heart break which did that. It was this moment right here. Alone, in heaven, along with God. I then closed meeyes, and suddenly a smile appeared on my face. A smile which I have never smiled before and before you know it, the coaster was back online and like an angel, I came back to earth. 

 

The End.


Thursday, 5 January 2023

The Woman In White ...

 
It’s New Year’s Eve …
The entire world is excited and is in a celebratory mood.
This 2-Storey Lavish House Party, isn’t any different.
We see people coming in with big smiles and having a glass of their favourite cocktails in their hands, dancing to the tunes of Bollywood. Everyone is excited for this coming year with hopes and dreams and aspirations, as they were the year before.

But one man isn’t a part of this celebration. In fact, he isn’t happy at all. This man is called Raj and the truth is in the middle of the loud music and dance moves gone wrong, he is sickly worried. He doesn’t have a glass in his hand and neither he is meeting and greeting the people inter-locked in this house. His eyes are looking, frantically, for someone. Someone he came in this party with but who vanished without a trace. The only thing he can do is try to find her and retrace his steps to unfold this mystery of the disappearance of the beautiful woman in white he came with. Raj is convinced that he will find her. After all, this is just a house party and the color white will surely pop-out in these make-shift neon lights. But Raj doesn’t have time, for in the next 10 seconds, the new year will begin and the woman he came with told him to not leave her side when the clock strikes 12. For if he does, she will forever be in despair. Raj, clearly not a believer in superstitions doesn’t take her words seriously but for some reason, he is still pulled in by this mysterious woman. By her mystery, by her aura. By her innocence. 

They say time is relevant and it couldn’t be more relevant to raj right now just mere seconds before the clock struck 12. As the men and women hold each other and scream 10, Raj just closes his eyes and tries to remember. Remember exactly what happened …

10!
We show Raj in his car, driving alone, lost in his thoughts and the radio turned off. Raj doesn’t want party music being played right now as he knows there is gonna be a lot of head-banging music to the party he is going too. Raj didn’t wanted to step out at all tonight but his best friend insisted that he come. It is unusual for Raj to see such empty roads in a city like Mumbai but Madh Island is still that part of the city which hasn’t been filled with an ever-expanding population, so Raj is taking in the quiet and enjoying the lone drive.

9!
As Raj is driving in the serene quiet, his eyes catch a shadow ahead. For a moment there, he is confused with what he is seeing but not more than a second later, he sees the shadow being an actual woman just waiting alone, on the side of this loom road. He immediately reduces the speed of his car, dims it's headlights and stops right in front of the woman.

8!
Raj is awestruck by this woman! She is by far, the most prettiest woman, Raj has ever seen and not only is there a charm about her but her White Satin Dress and her open hair and mascara in her eyes, is increasing her beauty to infinity. For the first time, in a very long time, Raj doesn’t have words to speak. His heart is taking beats faster than a race car! After what feels like forever, Raj finally opens his mouth to speak but before he could say a word, it’s the woman in white who speaks up.

7!
The woman in white says, “Hi, sorry, my uber broke down a few kms back and I tried too call for another one but my phone’s battery is dead and I was wondering if you could give me a lift? My house is just down the road. It will be a huge help to me.”
Raj doesn’t think twice and immediately says, “Yes, of course!” As raj gets out of the car and opens the passenger seat for the woman in white, a part of him is thrilled and a part of him is surprised with the emotions that he is feeling right now. It has been 3 years since Shikha broke Raj’s heart and since then, he has never felt this way. As Raj, sits in the driver’s seat and places his hands on the steering, he senses that his hands are sweating. He knows this is all out of the crazy adrenaline he is feeling because of the woman in white and he tries his best to keep his composure and pushes his foot on the gas and the car moves ahead.

6!
Both, Raj and the woman in white are now in silence but Raj decides he has too start talking, so raj asks, “So, where is your house?” The woman in white replies, “It’s called Bhullar House. It’s just a few minutes down the road.” Raj notices how pleasant and kind her voice is. It has a serene feeling, like someone playing the flute in an open garden. But Raj also realises that it is the same house to which he is going too! With a burst of excitement raj quickly replies and says, “I am going to the same house party too! What a coincidence!” To that the woman in white replies, “There are no coincidences. Everything is already pre-planned.”

5!
As the wheels of the car take them ahead, Raj doesn’t want the house to arrive soon, for he wants to talk to her more and more and he feels that for the rest of his life, he only wants to listen to her voice. But he knows that the house will be arriving soon and the silent emptiness won’t do him any good, so he asks her, “So, you are spending tonight with friends over there?”. To which the woman in white responds, “Actually that house is my parents. I am going there to meet them and be with them on new year’s eve. The thing is I study in Pune, Senior year college and I had told them I won’t be able to come home due to the heavy load of my studies and assignments but actually, I lied to them and I had planned to surprise them. So, this is me, surprising them. My mom and dad are very social people, so I know they must have kept a huge gathering at home. I thought, it will be the perfect cover for me to slip in quietly and go and hug them when the clock strikes 12. I hope I can do that as we are already closing in on 12am.” Before raj could say something, the woman in white starts talking again and says, “Can you do me a favour? I mean, another favour? If you would be so kind, can you please stay besides me when I am with mom and dad? I want this moment to be recorded so if you could just record me surprising them and seeing the joy on their face, I will be eternally grateful to you.” I want the new year to start with a good omen. If I don’t do that I feel I will be in despair! Raj, who is now completely mesmerised by this beauty doesn’t flinch and says, “I would be delighted too!”

4!
That moment arrives, as they see the house in front of them. The car slows down and it’s like the air goes quiet as well. Raj finds a parking spot and then shuts the engine off. But before he opens the door, he turns towards the woman in white and asks her, “I am sorry and where are my manners! My name is Raj and what do people call you?” To which the woman in white replies with a smile on her face, “Pari. People call me Pari.” Ever since his break-up, Raj stopped believing in love but when he hears her name, Raj knows, without a shadow of a doubt, in his heart, that for the very first time in his life, Raj knows what Love At First Sight feels like!

3!
Both Raj and Pari are walking towards the main door. They both can hear the loud music which is trying to tear the sound everywhere. The windows reverberate the vibrations and within a few seconds they both arrive at the main door. The door is unlocked as it should be given the number of people arriving for the party. Raj looks towards Pari. He gives her a look of pure joy, like he has found a lost treasure. Raj takes his hand to open the door but then Pari stops him and tells him, “Thank you Raj. You really helped me tonight. I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it here but because I met you, I am here, home, with my parents. I am never going to forget what you did for me.” To which Raj blushes and replies, “It’s ok. You don’t have to thank me. All I did was gave a lift to a kind soul who wanted to surprise her parents.” To which Pari replies, “Trust me, you have done more than that.”

2!
Raj opens the door and as soon as he does, his eyes are blinded with the flashing lights and smoke. His ear drums feel like they are about to burst. But raj finds his footing and the moment he looks towards Pari, she is gone. Raj looks around, left and right and his eyes try to gaze every inch of the room but he can’t find Pari. He can’t find the Woman In White. Raj tries to squeeze his broad, athletic body amongst the people dancing and twirling. He is confused and angry on himself that how could he loose Pari so quickly. He had promised her that he would record her when the new year began. He keeps looking but doesn’t find Pari anywhere. In his quest to find the enchanting woman, he stumbles upon a man and a woman, both whom tend to be in their early 50’s. Their Hair Grey, their eyes, protected by glasses and their faces long, which shows that they have seen life more than others. They smile but they aren’t smiling from the heart. They hold each other’s hands and are counting down the numbers. Raj’s eyes suddenly catches a glimpse of a photo and a face he can never forget. The photo is of Pari and oh my does she look beautiful in it. Even in this picture, she is wearing the same white satin dress, just as she is tonight. Raj is delighted and has a feeling that the people standing next to him must be her parents. Raj feels that he should stand next to them and soon Pari would find them. Raj’s guilt has gone and a sense of joy returns to his face.

1! 
He looks and waits for Pari with awaited breath and he takes out his phone and keeps it on record. He knows any moment now she is going to come and surprise her parents. He is filled with excitement!

0!
The whole room erupts together the words, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Raj looks through the crowd but he doesn’t see Pari. “Where is she?” He murmurs to himself. But then, the music quiets down and the whole room goes silent, like someone reduced the volume of a song drastically. All the guests started looking towards the direction of the couple who were standing next to Raj and even Raj gazes his eyes towards them. He notices both of them are crying and smiling at the same time and they both turn towards the picture of Pari and see in a very hush voice, “Happy Birthday Beta. I hope this joy, gives you joy as well. We love you and we will always miss you.” They both wipe their tears and turn toward the crowd and they say, “Thank you all for coming tonight. We all loved Pari very much. Not a day goes by that we don’t want her back. It was this day, 3 years ago that she was coming home to meet us and to be with us. But she was taken away from us on that lonely road when she was only minutes away from us. If that man wasn’t drinking, she would had been her with us. We have cried and grieved over her for all this time. But this year, we decided that we won’t mourn our Pari but celebrate the life she had and the joy that she gave us. I really hope that by celebrating tonight, we have somehow given her soul rest and that she is smiling at us from heaven.” The couple then say, “Happy New Year Pari!” And with that the entire crowd also repeats the words, “Happy New Year Pari!”

Raj is numb. Raj is silent. Raj doesn’t believe what he has heard. It can’t be! Pari was with him. He picked her up. He spoke to her! He felt the connection with her! Raj wants to say a thousand things but not a single word comes out of his mouth. His mind is all over the place. But then as his pulse quiets down, he looks at Pari’s Parents and then to Pari’s Photo. He keeps looking at her is again lost in her beauty. Raj understands now. Raj understands everything. Raj did keep his promise to her. Raj smiles and as he does, a tear rolls down his eye. He picks up his phone and presses it on record and looks at the frame of Pari and says in silence, for he wants this moment to only be his. He says. “Happy New Year Pari. Happy new Year My Woman In White.”

The End.

Sunday, 23 October 2022

"Live. Hunt. Kill. Die. Respawn. Repeat."

 The grass is lush and green. The wind is quiet. Even the birds know not to fly today. There is something in the air. Everyone can feel it. The man next to me and to my right. These aren't men who are divided but united by a single cause. To defeat the enemy. We wait for the commands from our fearless senior officer. We wait in terror and in courage. Suddenly, we hear the wind change. It starts to roar and we see a tornado coming towards us. We know what must be done and without hesitation we rise up and start running towards where our enemy is hiding. Bullets race across these once quiet lands. Comrades and brothers whom we loved fall to their deaths like flies. This place is worse than hell. But this place is called earth. Once a peaceful planet, now ravaged by greed and power by men and who think it is ok to burn it to ashes. We are the few soldiers and armies left who stand to protect the freedom of the innocent and the last known resources left to survive. We are the last few left who can fight for this world. We are the only few left who will die trying. Welcome to Battlefield!

If you thought this is a plotline for a major Hollywood blockbuster, you are wrong. This, in fact is a baseline story for the latest Battlefield game called Battlefield 2042 or BF2042. As you can see, video games are just like movies and in this blog, I wanted to share with you, the amazing world of video games and how these video games changed my life for the better. I always wanted a War to Fight and now, through video games, I live in those battles everyday. :-)

To understand something that is happening to us now, we must always go back to the beginning, for whatever and whoever we are, is always connected to our past. So let me take you on a trip down memory lane and make you relive what I lived for so many years. 

I remember, when I was like 8 years old and Media Mega Drive had come out and me, being the over excited kid that I was told my mom to take me to Sayonara, the biggest electronics and toy store near our house, so that I could get my hands on this amazing new gaming console which had just released. I still remember the excitement and look on my face when the owner brought the this mega machine and kept in front of me. I was nearly about to cry with excitement! That evening, my cousins came over and all were as excited as me to play Media Mega Drive. We opened it, installed all the remotes and wires and switched on the tv. Well, the rest was history. We all were playing for hours and hours and none of us wanted to give the chance to the other since there were only 2 remote controls to play with. Whether it was the All-Time Classic Super Mario Bros., or Super Contra or Jungle Ride, me and my cousins were hooked. From then on, every weekend, it was gaming time for hours. And the best part was we only had a few titles to play with but were so happy playing them over and over again. What did I know then that the sheer enjoyment and excitement of playing Media Mega Drive would one day become such an important part of my life.

I was a 90's kid and at that point in time, the video game business was thriving. Well, it wasn't the Multi-Billion Dollars industry it is today but a lot of kids were getting happier. Even India, as a country was importing many a consoles which meant, I would soon get my hands on all the latest consoles which were releasing. I am so lucky and blessed to say that I have played game titles on almost every gaming console which came out. Whether it was Tetris on the Nintendo Gameboy, Street Fighter on Nintendo 32-Bit, Mortal Combat on Sega Mega Drive or Tom Cat Alley on the Sega Media Drive, I have played them all and as you guessed it, loved every moment doing so. But video games was more like a pop culture for us kids and in a way, bragging rights to be the 'cool' kid in school. My point is, during the early to late 90's, video games were booming and also a lot stigmas attached to them. That video games aren't good for kids. That kids don't study well after playing them and that their eyes get spoilt and what not. But no matter what the world was thinking, there was one boy in Mumbai (Bombay at that time) who was very happy being lost in this beautiful world which was created by only inserting a few wires into the power cords. :-)

I guess by now, I don't have to tell you more about how much I have loved video games and how they have always been a part of me growing up. And you also must be wondering why I have kept Live-Hunt-Kill-Die-Respawn-Repeat as my blog title. Well, if I don't keep the best parts for later, how will I make you read my entire blog and also create an algorithm so this blog can be read by so many other? But jokes apart, I, myself didn't know that video games would become the gateway to my soothing happiness. A place where I go and I feel only happiness. Let me explain ...

I always believed I was a Soldier. Whether that was an Indian Special Forces Commando or a Seal Team Six Navy Seal or a United States Marine Corps Special Forces member, the Army and Soldiers have always fascinated me. I had this urge to be on the Battlefield and fight the good fight with my brothers. There was always this need and hunger to always keep fighting. So you can imagine how happy I felt when I got my hands on the Campaigns of Call Of Duty and Battlefield! I was like a kid on Christmas day except, it was Christmas for me every time I switched on the PlayStation and heard Capt. Price say, "Cheeky Bastard". And oh my did I play those campaigns over and over again! Whether it was with the Speakers on Full Blast or when I couldn't sleep at night, Battlefield and Call Of Duty were always there to give me my happy pill. But little did I know that most exhilarating rush was still yet to come.

This shift or 'explosion' came in my life post my marriage. I believe everything in life happens for a reason and I believe everything in life is connected and happens for only our good. I am now married to the most loving, caring and supportive wife any man can have and it was my wife, Madalsa who told me to give MULTIPLAYER Games a chance since the COD (Call Of Duty for short) which was released in 2018, titled Black Ops 4 didn't have a story driven campaign mode. At first, I was very hesitant as in the past, I was never inclined towards Multiplayer games. Back then, it was only the rush of the campaign which excited me. But since I didn't have the option of the campaign I was like, "Ya fine, I will give Multiplayer a shot and see what happens. Worst to worst I'll try it, not like it and wait for another whole year until the next Cod game arrives, hopefully with a campaign." 

But as fate would have it, the exact opposite happened! I was hooked to the world of multiplayer! Remember when I told you earlier that I always loved fighting? Well, in MP (short for multiplayer) I got to experience that rush a billion times more! It was like how that saying goes, "Once The Lion (Or Tiger) Tastes Blood, It Can't Ever Stop Eating."

It was October 2018 to this day today. My life completely changed. I was more in love with Video Games it was all thanks to my wife urging me to try MP and experience something new and challenging and trust me, it gets very challenging to play these games online. What I mean is, you come across so many players from all around the world who are so good in playing these games. There have been days, when I have died 72 times in one round and there have been times when I have called in a Nuke in a match. 

Today, just before writing this blog, I finished setting up my gaming room. This room which I have at home is like a Mini Temple for me. It is a room where I come to everyday and a place I somewhat worship. It is a room where I come and put on my headphones and switch off the world outside. It is place where I go online and go to war everyday with people whom I will never meet. It is a sanctuary where I improve my skills and Stream Live On Twitch. (Search Meem0h on twitch). It is a room which wouldn't had been possible without my wife's support and a very dear friend of mine, Tushar. This gaming room is my home within my home.

So how do I explain to you the joys I feel here? How do I write in words how good these battles and wars and gunplay make me feel? How do I tell how good it feels to find a camper and spray bullets on him, only to find him again, camping in another part of the map and yet doing the same thing again to him? How do I make you feel this peace I feel. This isn't just gaming for me, this is a world I have created for me. A safe space where I LIVE as a Soldier, HUNT like a Predator, KILL like a Monster, DIE like a Mortal, RESPAWN like a Ghost and REPEAT like a Robot. :-)

So before I go I just wanted to say that we all need our safe spaces. Our spaces of wonder. Our spaces of escape. I am lucky to have found mine and I hope one day you found yours as well.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakarborty.

See You At The Battlefield.:-)

 




Tuesday, 3 May 2022

Therapy Is Well … Therapeutic. :)

I’m glad I do therapy. I mean, not all can admit when they need help but I am glad and proud to be one of the few who admit that therapy has really changed my life. 

We all need help. In some form or another. Someone needs financial help. Or emotional help and sometimes it’s just help to carry the groceries. We are humans not super heroes. We all need our saving. I was and I still am one of them. One of the many who needs saving and for a very long time, I had convinced myself that I don’t need it. Call it ego or pride or just a fake male bravado, I kept telling myself for years that I am ok and strong enough to deal with the problems and challenges the world throws at me. But I was wrong and I am so glad I was. 

I believe in fate. I believe we all come with a destiny and when you trust the process, you come to understand that everything happens at the right time, at the right place and for the right reasons. Therapy is in my life because I do believe it is for the greater good and for a purpose which is beyond my comprehension. Of course, I won’t be able to tell you what I discuss with my therapist but I can of course tell you how much therapy has unraveled me in front of my own eyes. I understand myself more better now and therapy works because you are shedding your mask and being absolutely vulnerable and truthful to a stranger who’s only job is to make you better. There are no judgements nor any comparisons nor disappointments. There are only solutions to problems which we create in our own minds. 

I used to keep asking myself, why am I so stuck up on things. Why am I so rigid and such a pain in the ass. Through therapy I realized that it was because I was afraid of change. Afraid to step into the unknown and feel lost. Through each session of talking and debating and understanding, it has come to my attention that the only person blocking me from me being who I truly am, is ME. My own thoughts which I have knotted tight in my brain. It’s not my emotions which are the problem, it’s the thoughts which control them. When people ask me to sum up how good therapy is, I just tell them it’s me, unknotting those constant negative thoughts in my brain, one thread at a time. One session at a time. :)

I am not here publicizing therapy nor am it’s brand ambassador. If I wanted to promote my therapist, I would had told you who that person was and would had even given the person’s contact details here. But this blog isn’t about that. This blog is an attempt to show you that it’s ok to ask for help and to seek help and that there is nothing wrong to be weak. In fact, I believe that when a person admits that he/she needs help, it is actually, a sign of great strength and courage. I know that society considers therapy a taboo but therapy just doesn’t imply that you need to talk to a certified expert. Therapy means that you talk. Just talk it out. Vent out and feel lighter and better. Keeping things inside and trying to deal with your problems on your own doesn’t do you any good. Trust me, I know. Talk to people whom you can trust. Speak your heart and be yourself and I promise you that you will feel better. No matter how alone you feel, I do believe that the almighty has given us at least one person with whom we can shed our skin and be real with. I really hope you have that person in your life right now as you read this. 

Whether it was my last blog about captain America or the blog previous to it about CrossFit, I know all these blogs are a part of who I am and even writing this blog right now is therapy for me. I am in a way, venting, letting out my emotions and feeling better about myself. :) I have also understood that I am fine the way I am. Whether I am bruised, battered or even broken, underneath all the struggle and the pain and the insecurities and tears, I am still a Pure Bad Ass, just like all of you, for we all fight. The only sadness is that we don’t seem to care about it. But therapy reminds me everyday that I need to be me. Therapy reminds me to care because I like caring. Caring about the people I love and lifting people who have fallen for I was also once fallen. I like motivating people because I know how it feels like to be ridiculed and to be told that I am worthless. I like bringing people together because I am tired of seeing people putting lines in the sand for their religions and their gods and their lands. I want to see this world to be a better place because I do believe in hope and miracles and the divine intervention of the cosmic energy. I want to be the best version of myself even if the world doesn’t see it. I want to be me because simply, it’s just very therapeutic for me. :)

So here I am telling you once again that it’s ok to be weak and vulnerable for only when you admit that you need help can you actually learn to be free. Only when you accept that life broke you can you learn to build yourself up again. Only when you let go of all that anger and resentment can you actually forgive yourself. Only when you learn from the past can you embrace your future. You just have to learn to not be so hard on yourself. It’s ok to screw up. To have a mis step and fall. What matters is how many times you get back again. We are human beings. We are capable of horrible wars we have waged on each other and we are also capable of hugging our enemy and making him our friend. I tell you, it’s ok to be you because you are amazing just the way you are. :)

So this is me and this is my story and yes, I do need help. I found that help and I really hope you find yours as well. 

Thanking you from the bottom of my heart, 
Cause I’m just another random blogger trying to make a difference. 

With all respects,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 


Friday, 8 April 2022

What Does It Take To Be Righteous ...

 I was there. When End Game released in the theatres and when that iconic moment happened! Thor and iron man were getting beat by the mad titan Thanos and then suddenly you saw Mjornir rise from the ground and hit Thanos. But then the hammer went into the hands of Captain America and you could hear Thor said, "I knew it!" It was one of the most iconic moments in Movie History! The eruption of the entire cinema hall was an added bonus to the euphoria Steve Rogers caused! At that moment, along with the goosebumps, all I could feel was, WOW! Captain America is so worthy! I mean he is the one human being who picked up the hammer! That got me thinking and thus started my youtube searches for, 'When did steve rogers become worthy?' and so on ... The more I saw videos and read theories of comic book fans, the more I understood that Steve just wasn't worthy, he was also Righteous! 

If you google Righteousness, you will see it means, 'Acting in accord with divine or moral law. Free from guilt or sin. Morally right or justifiable. Arising from an outraged sense of justice and morality. 

So the question rises ... in our current world, what does it really take to become righteous? And do we even want to be righteous?

We are flawed creatures and I know no one can be perfect. We all have our vices and weaknesses. The good and the bad is within us all and it is ok to error. I know I am not perfect. I know I am flawed and broken but I still have this urge, this hunger to find out who I am. Imagine a quest. A quest which has no end. A journey of self discovery which honestly, doesn't have a destination. Even as I am writing this, I am looking. Looking for something within me to make sense of it all. Maybe that is why I am who I am. Over the course of my life, I have truly begun to love myself for now I am friends with the soul within me. That soul which hungers for salvation and nirvana. That soul which knows I am meant to go where I have never gone before. 

So what will it take for me to be righteous? My devotion to my parents? Or the love to the people who matter to me? Or by giving it my very best to make my dreams come true everyday? To be honest, I think in order to be righteous one has to first accept that they aren't right at all. In my life, just like the billions out there, I have made mistakes. But today, I have learnt from my mistakes and more importantly, I have accepted those mistakes and learnt to move on from them. We can lie to the world as much as we want but we can't lie to ourselves. To our souls. We must first accept who we are. Who we truly are in order to become free. I know who I am now. I am a regular joe, just like everyone else with a fire burning in me. A fire to push harder. A fire that burns because I know I still have a lot to learn and to grow. I can't ever stop. I can't stop trying and giving and getting up every time I fall. I just can't. Maybe that is why I show up to Crossfit everyday. Maybe that is why after every WOD, when I am tired and don't have a single ounce of breath left in my body, I want to train again. Maybe that is why everyday I wake up with the same hopes and dreams I had yesterday. Maybe one day, when I have finally given my all, will I be able to come close to being truly righteous. 

But what if just giving your blood, sweat and tears isn't enough? What will it take to truly be a noble soul? To have no sin in oneself and to finally kneel before God and tell him/her that I am worthy to be Righteous? I think it is the culmination of everything. The good and the bad. The light and the darkness. The love and the hate. All of it. Without fear, without remorse. To be broken yet stand tall. To fight when all is lost. To hope even when the dark is darkest for only in that darkness are you truly defined. All my life, I have carried guilt and failure on my shoulders. But now, I use that same guilt and failure as my passion. Passion which fuels me to train harder. To give more. To wake up and embrace the pain. To look at the darkness straight in the eye and say, "I am not afraid of you for you make me strong." Today, I am not learning how to bear the storm, today, I am becoming the storm! And I hope by reading this, I can help and motivate at least one person on earth to seek their righteousness. For aren't we trying to be the best versions of ourself? Aren't we trying to do good in this dark world? Aren't we trying to find our way to God? 

To love our parents, to share laughter with our friends, to motivate a downed soul, aren't these things to become righteous? Honestly, after all these years, I have understood one thing and that is if I 'try' to become righteous, I will never be righteous if my intention comes out of necessity rather than out of love. Steve Rogers never planned to become Worthy or Righteous. He was just himself and he always did what he thought was the right thing to do, even though it would make a single voice against a majority. He was always himself. Steve Rogers, was always, Steve Rogers. Maybe that is how one day I will become righteous, by me, just being me. By waking up in the morning and having the same hope I had yesterday. By loving the world and choosing kindness over anger. By being kind over showing strength. By just smiling into the empty void and not being afraid. By loving my parents and siblings and to see them smile. By never letting that fire inside of me go out. By looking at defeat and saying to it on its face, "Not Today. Not Today." By never ever giving up. Ever.

Maybe one day, you never know, I might be able to lift Thor's Hammer like Steve Rogers after all. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

And I want to one day want to become Righteous.

***********************************************************************************

Monday, 28 March 2022

A ‘Crossfit’ Of Emotions …

Before you ask, let me tell you what CrossFit is. It is the short form for Cross Functional Fitness which focuses on Strength derived from Olympic Weightlifting and Functional Cardiovascular Movements. Combine these two in a class of 60mins and what you get is a feeling only the few in this world truly know. 

I’ve been doing CrossFit in and out for about 7-8 years now but since the 3rd wave of covid came and went, I have been full on into CrossFit. Like going for 5 days a week and being the strongest guy in the box. I still suck at cardio but hey, I ain’t giving up. 


So that’s what CrossFit is. A whirlwind of emotions ‘cause everyday there is a new WOD (workout) written on the board and it’s challenging everyday. Emotions go up and down like you are on a roller coaster and by the end of it you and only you know what you have been through. 


My life or should I say my emotions and emotional thoughts have somewhat been a mix of whirlwinds as well. Kinda like clothes in a washing machine. And it is these thoughts I wanna share with you today. Maybe, somewhere in my gut, sharing these emotions is the way for me to know what I am or maybe what I am becoming …


Zayde Wolfe has become one my favourite music artists in recent years now. If you are a fan of New Age Rock then Zayde Wolfe is the guy you should search for. I love his music and especially when it comes to my CrossFit sessions. Like for instance today, we had Front Squats and as always, I lifted the heaviest, touching 120kgs for 3 Reps on 3 separate occasions! While I was doing the lifts, with zayde’s music in my AirPods, all I was telling myself was, “This Is My House!” Those words came from a place of dominance and confidence. I knew I could lift those weights and I did. Not once but thrice. Post that my thoughts took me to the CrossFit games where I was seeing the world’s greatest lift astronomical weights and defy gravity and runs for miles without any sign of fatigue and I saw one of the competitors yell and scream and say the same words, “This is My House!” Is this a sign that I feel the same way he did? This power which I know I have and backing it up every time I break my own PR? Only time will tell …


The other night, I started watching Reacher on amazon prime. The first shot and introduction of Jack Reacher is that he gets out of a bus at a quiet bus stop and then just keeps walking. Alone. Watching him walk, suddenly made me feel that I was walking. That I was reacher. That I was in this quiet town in America and just walking. Alone. I don’t know. Honestly, I STILL don’t know why being alone gives me so much of comfort. What is it about being alone that is so satisfying for me? Is it a quest I am on? Am I looking for something? Have I already found it? I honestly don’t know but what I do know is that there is this joy, a dark cold joy in me which hungers to be alone. Another Mimoh in me who wants to wander and explore and see and touch and smell the world alone. Who wants to walk alone. Like a calling I can’t mute. Like a hunger I can’t resist. A voice in me repeating the same words again and again, “Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf”


And then comes the military. I know people around the world don’t believe so much reincarnations but I 100% know that in my previous birth I was a soldier on the front lines and fighting for something worth dying for. The army, the marines, the rangers, oh, they feel so right. So true to me. Like I am in sync with every tune playing. There is something so incredible about being a soldier. About completing a mission. About challenging yourself and pushing your own boundaries. I just can’t shake the feeling. Maybe, just maybe, that is why I do CrossFit. Maybe that is why I fight. Maybe that is why I chose to be alone. I don’t know. Maybe you can help me out on this. 


See, everybody fights. Everyone has a struggle I know nothing about. And I’m not here to tell how shitty I sometimes feel or how bad things can get. I can’t relate to all but I do relate to a few. I relate to the guy who wants to loose weight. I relate to the woman who has having difficulty squating. I relate to people who show up everyday just because they wanna get better. Maybe that is why I try. That is why I try and help that guy do one more rep. Maybe that is why I like motivating people and making them realise that greatness is in all of us. Maybe that is why I hope that one day we all make our dreams come true. 


After reading this, you might be as confused as I am ‘cause I know I am in a tornado of thoughts and emotions. But I wrote this because I wanna de clutter my mess. One thought at a time. One blog at a time. And one emotion at a time. 


With All My Gratitude,

A very confused writer,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 

***************************************************

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Code Name: Reaper ...

“We have seen them all. We have seen the tyrants and the healers. We have seen the monsters and the gods. But never have we seen a specimen like this. A man so relentless, so focused that even ‘The Higher Ones’ fear his power. He is like no other. He is truly The Chosen One.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.



The weather is beautiful today. The wind is in a playful mood as it touches my cheeks and withers away. It teases me to come and play with it. The sun and the tress are in a quarrel of their own. The trees as tall as buildings with leaves greener than the garden of eden are not allowing the rays to come through. But eventually, with it’s brute force, the rays win and pierce through the leaves and remind me with their warmth that there is only true dominant force that governs us all. Below in the plains I see the HVT. {High Value Target} He is sitting in his lazy boy chair and smoking his favourite cuban cigars. He does that everyday sharp at 4pm. The HVT is a man of strict habit. I would know that ‘cause I am just like him. But the only difference between me and him is that I have my finger at the trigger and he has his on his cigar. I am hidden well under the trees and the brown soil below me gives me the perfect cover. I have three different variants of the Camo Suit. {Camouflage Gear} And today I have chosen the Desert Camo Gear so I blend in with mother nature. While the sunlight is almost heavenly today it is also my greatest asset as below no one can suspect where the shot will come from. The sound of the bullet will be echoed throughout the valley but no one will be able to pinpoint the actual location of the shot. And by the time they do, I will be long gone. I notice the HVT is having a laugh with his men. Men covered in masks and who carry AK Machine Guns. There weren’t any lip-reading classes back in BUD/S {Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal Training} but if there was an option I would had taken it. Maybe I would had laughed along with these men. But for the last 3 months, laughter isn’t something I associate myself too that well. For the last 3 months I have been here, behind enemy lines in a place too classified to even mention. That part of the world where humanity died long before humans ever existed. A country torn by civil war and people like the HVT who picked up the remaining pieces and corrupted men and children into joining his crusade to free the world of the west. For many people here he is like a hero, a icon, a messiah even. But I know what evil looks like. And that HVT over there, he is the impersonation of pure evil. 

"'T is strange that death should sing.
I am the cygnet to this pale faint swan,
Who chants a doleful hymn to his own death,
And from the organ-pipe of frailty sings
His soul and body to their lasting rest."

-William Shakespeare


Who am I you ask? My name is Max Shepherd. A cali boy. Born and raised near the ocean with loving parents who left me a long time in a drunk driver accident. Al though I am right now telling you all about this ‘Classified’ mission I am actually a very shy, soft-spoken guy who talks only when necessary. In other words I am more of an observer. If you don’t believe you can ask the friends I had back home in California who used to call me Max ‘The Mute’ ‘cause I hardly spoke. I sometimes wonder why they were so kind to me and always included me in their group. This one time, before any of this. Before the enlistment, before the realisation of the journey a boy needs to take to become a man, my friends dragged me to this party at the beach which I had no interest to go too. But there, in the twilight of the night, right at the shore line, where the waves come and merged with the grains of sand, I saw the woman whom I fell in love with the moment I laid eyes on her. Her name was Lindsay Emerson and she was studying at the University of San Diego taking up Biophysics. When she looked at me and gave me that smile, I never guessed that in a million years that a beauty like Lindsay would go out with a quiet jock like me. She was truly an angel and it was the most beautiful date I had ever been too. Before I dropped her off I went in for a kiss while trying to hug her and she being the smarty she was, chuckled and told me, “Silly, that isn’t how you kiss a girl.” And then she kissed me and I swear to god it was like the fourth of july! And after that we never looked back. We become the couple everyone loved and all knew that very soon I would go on my knees and ask her the most important question of any bachelor’s life. But you see, life isn’t always how we think it to be. It was at that point of time the war broke out and our country needed men to enlist and show those evil bastards that tyranny won’t have the last laugh. And I knew I had to enlist. Even though Lindsay didn’t agree I knew it in my gut, like a calling that I had to be there, fighting for freedom. And then just like that everything changed forever. 

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once."

-William Shakespeare


It was 3 years ago when I enlisted for the Marines. Our country needed her young men and women to stand up and fight and to be Marine and serve your country, was the greatest honour of them all. And the moment I walked inside those doors I knew it in my bones that it was a marine that I was meant to become. And so, my journey with the Marines began. All those days at Camp Pendleton truly took me to the limit. Day in and day out we trained. In the dirt, in the rain, in the mud and in the heat, we pushed and pushed until we had nothing left to give. And when our bodies gave up, our drill sergeant made us push harder. After all, the Marines Are The Few, The Proud. And after those gruelling 13 weeks I was a Proud Marine. And I was no longer Max ‘The Mute’ Shepherd either. It was like something in me woke up. like a beast who had gone for a long hibernation. Lindsay didn’t come for my inauguration. A part of me knew she wouldn’t. She was against the war and also she told me she won’t support me going ‘Over There’. She said I was making a mistake. “It isn’t like you have to enlist! You can be here with me. You can be safe. I don’t want to loose you. I don’t want that man in uniform knocking at my door and telling me with his grieving eyes that your husband died while fighting for his country. I don’t want that Max. I faced that horror with my dad. I can’t go through it again with you. I won’t allow that.” That was the last thing she told me before she hung up the phone. I knew I heard her sobbing. But she being the stubborn woman she was, she didn’t wanted to admit it. She didn’t know that if she would had come that day I would had put a ring on her finger and would had told her how much I loved her. But I didn’t get that opportunity. You see, I have come to realise that people do get to fall in love but the fire in them always reminds them that they are meant for bigger much greater things. 

"A person doesn't die when he should but when he can."

-Gabriel García Márquez


We were deployed the moment I got my badge and I was part of the MARSOC {Marine Corps Special Forces}. Marines as you know it are one of the finest breeds of warriors on the planet. We go where the action is and we went and took care of the missions that were bestowed upon us. For the next 3 years since I said my 1st “Oorah” we overcame every obstacle. But it was when I was is Fallujah that I realised that the powers above had something else planned for me. We were fighting back the insurgency in the city and we knew that within the next 48 hours the city would be free of the imperial forces. I was by that time promoted to Lance Corporal {LCpl} from Private First Class {PFC}. Our mission was to clear three blocks of buildings which intelligence indicated to be enemy strongholds. The mission was going smooth. Barge in, check, double check and then onto the next building. Since I was in charge of the mission I was first in, last out, just how I liked it. But then, when we were in the last building that strange gut feeling started tingling inside of me. Like the ‘spidey’ sense spider-man gets. Even though that ‘instinct’ was growing, I shook it off and started approaching the building. I was only 25 feet away from the main door when I felt the wind move and my eyes went to the building right across and there I saw an insurgent with a RPG {Rocket Propelled Grenade} and he had me on his sights. Even though my reaction time would had kicked in, I knew I wouldn’t survive the impact. But just a mili-second later, which felt like an eternity I heard the sound of a bullet and before you knew it, the insurgent’s head was splattered in two and the entire platoon cheered and howled like wolves. It was at that time my eyes locked with the Navy Seal Sniper that saved my life and I knew from that moment on, my life would never be the same again.

"Death is the king of this world: 'tis his park
Where he breeds life to feed him. Cries of pain
Are music for his banquet."

-George Eliot


The moment I came back form my 3rd tour in Iraq I went and visited the Navy Seals Centre. The recruiter told me that to be a Navy Seal was one of the most privileged things a man can do. But only if a man can survive it’s brutal training. I loved being a Marine but that voice inside of me sang a different tune now and I knew that it wanted me to be a Navy Seal Sniper. Without wasting another moment I signed up to enlist as a Navy Seal and the recruiter told me that my training would begin in 3 weeks. Since I had no time to waste the first thing I did was inform my chain of command with the marines that I am trying to be a Seal Sniper. “You are one of the finest soldiers I know Max. I will hate to loose you. But if this is something that you wanna do, then God Speed to you son.” And then I gave him my salute and my last “Oorah” and walked away. Lindsay and me were not in the best of terms during this period. But when I had made that phone call from Iraq and told her I was coming home, I sensed that she still loved me and was delighted to see me back, al though she didn’t wanted to admit it. That night, after we made love and were having our candle light cheeseburgers dinner I told her that I would be enlisting again. But this time, as a Navy Seal and eventually become a Sniper. I have never seen her so torn. Here was this woman who loved me yet was hurt by the fact that I would be going away again. “What will it take me to stop this Max? When will you ever feel complete with me? Will I never be enough for you? Do you love war that much that you are killing the one thing that makes us stronger? Why are you pushing me away?” And I told her something I didn’t expect ever sharing with anyone. I said, “I love you Li. You are the love of my life. There is no other who can ever take that place. But I just can't shake this feeling. This feeling inside of me that I have to fight. That I have to give every evil in this world what it deserves. I have to be out there in the fight. And I know even though you and me can have the perfect world here and one day grow old and see our children become lovely human beings, I know in my heart that this is something that I have to do. And I am sorry for that. I am so sorry.” The next day when I woke up I saw a letter in the bed. It read, “I will always love you. But now I have come to realise that you are a fighter and you will always be whole and complete when you are fighting. Good bye Max.” After that, I didn’t care to wipe off the tears which were rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t care when I screamed out so loud that my lungs hurt. I didn’t care to clean the floor of the glasses I broke ‘cause after the world of hurt I felt and the sense of loneliness had engulfed me I sensed a feeling I didn’t feel before. I felt a deep sense of desire. A burning passion. A quest. An invoking. And when I saw my reflection in the mirror I didn’t see the boy who was called ‘The Mute’ but I saw a man who knew what had to be done. At that point I knew it in my bones that I truly was chosen to be something more than just a man. I was meant to be a Sniper.

"While man is growing, life is in decrease;
And cradles rock us nearer to the tomb.
Our birth is nothing but our death begun."

-Edward Young


“Give me 50 push-ups! Come on you little piece of shit! Get a move on! You wanna be a Seal? You want to be the best in the world? Then get on the ground and smell the dirt and give me those god-damn push-ups!” That is what I heard on the 1st day of my Training at Seal School. To be a Navy Seal you have to have heart. Like a fortitude of a Lion. It has been said that more than thousands apply to be a Seal. But on day one itself 90% of candidates walk over to the bell with a beaten heart and quit. In fact, during ‘Hell Week’ the drill sergeants keep telling the men to quit ‘cause quitting will be much more easier than to bare the pain of training which awaits them. But thanks to my Marine Training, I pushed through. But it wasn’t easy. Well, nothing great is ever easy. After I survived ‘Hell Week’ I knew things were about to get only tougher and more challenging but whenever the pain had gotten unbearable that voice inside of me always reminded me who I truly was and what was needed to be done. Over the next 24 weeks, me and my batch mates went through the most hellish training the human body and mind can endure. That was needed in order to pass through the BUD/S Training. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to be a sniper and there were times when my fingers tensed and longed to pull the trigger when I use to hear gunshots in the distance. Even though it was tempting to go and see the pros at work at the range I knew one day I would be there firing those bullets instead of just looking at them. One weekend, sometime in-between the training we all were given an off to go and splurge and enjoy in the city. Many of my batch mates had wives and girlfriends and some of them just wanted to go to bars and get drunk, and so as the leave was granted not one was left at the bunker station. Well, no one except me. I decided to stay. You know by now I had no one waiting for me in the city and second of all, I wanted to go back to training. It wouldn’t had made me a sniper right there and then but I longed for the challenge of training. The more I trained, the more I calmer and focused I got. And the pain of not having Lindsay in my life was used as a tool to ignite my performance. My Drill Sergeant, Sgt. Lance Mitchell saw me doing the 5k early on saturday morning on the grounds and called me over. “Come take a walk with me Max.” In all my weeks here I never heard him a say a word which sounded ‘Normal’. Hearing that sentence from him surely started an excitement in me. The weather was perfect on this saturday morning at Coronado, CA and in the distance the pelicans were playing catch with each other and the waves were being mischievous. For a while we walked in silence and then finally the Lieutenant spoke. “Do you know what I see when I see you Max? I see a Boy becoming a Man. I see a man who has this tremendous hunger and energy. You really have it in you to become a Seal Max.” “Thank you sir.” I said, as those were the only words that came out of my mouth. “But do you know what makes you special Max? I sense a great darkness in you. A Darkness which normalcy can’t contain. Maybe that is why you became a Marine. Maybe that is why you are here wanting to become one of the most elite of the elite.” “Sir, I don’t know what to say. I … I feel, I know deep within in my bones, in my soul that fighting is what I was born to do. Before the war, before the enlistment, it felt like I was just existing. But ever since I learned how to fight, I felt I became alive!” The LT smiled and said, “Many men live ordinary lives because they think that just by getting by and not pushing themselves, or challenging obstacles or taking risks they will be happy. But I have believed in all my years of living that a man can only be complete when he faces his fears, when he pushes through the barrier of pain, when he is ready to sacrifice everything to achieve his goal. And I believe you are that man.” “I promise I won’t let you down sir. In fact sir, if I have permission to say, I really want to become a Navy Seal Sniper.” “It’s like you are reading my mind Max. I was just about to say that as soon as your BUD/S Training gets completed I want you to apply for Sniper School and I also do believe you will be a great sniper. A sniper needs his soul to be sold to the Reaper in order to take out his targets from far away distances.” “Reaper sir?”. “Yes, the Reaper. You know, like The Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper is associated with Death. He is the Monster sent from hell to collect the souls of the damned. He comes without warning and once he has sights locked on you, not even god can stop him. A Sniper is very much like a Reaper. He is a Lethal Weapon of Justice. His bullet comes from nowhere and puts an end to the enemy who has no idea that his end is only a mere seconds away.” “That’s a great way to put it sir.” “Yes, it is. I would know ‘cause I was a Sniper once. And now go and do another 5k and meet at the weapons range.” “Sir! Yes Sir!” When I started that run, I felt a deep sense of happiness. Like it was flooding over me. It was an answer from the universe showing me that every decision that I have taken till now has been absolutely right. And before the cool wind came and touched my face I also had another realisation … I just had found my codename. It would be Code Name: Reaper.

"Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk.
It is walking toward me, without hurrying."

-Jean Cocteau


“Reaper, this is 2-1 Actual. Do you Copy?”. “Yes, 2-1, this is Reaper. Hearing you loud and clear. Over.” “Can we have a status update? Over.” “Yes 2-1. I am right now at the designated location. I have the HVT in my sights. It is a Go. I repeat the mission is a Go. Do I have your orders to comply? Over.” “Yes Reaper, your request is approved. Proceed with the mission. Contact again from the exfil position. Good luck. Over and Out.” It has been 3 years since that day at the beach. Three years since the word Reaper dawned on me. And three years since I ever thought I had any ounce of normalcy left in me. The generals and the majors and the captains call me The Reaper for a reason. It is not just a call sign for me. They say I am cold and deadly and like a demon I am truly the taker of souls. Some even call me The death Machine. A Punisher of sorts. The man who was truly made for war. That is what I have heard. They say the enemy has a bounty on my head. Something like 300,000 dollars and 350,000 if I am captured alive so they can execute me on live television. But since the time I fired my first .50 cal bullet, not once have I missed a target. Somethings are just meant to be. I know I was destined to be a sniper but I never knew that I would become the most feared and lethal sniper in American History. I’ve heard many stories about me. Some of which are true and some which are just pure fantasy. The young cadets sometimes even have the courage to come and ask me how it is to kill a person, I simply tell them, “It’s as easy as breathing.”. I agree, I sometimes must have projected to be strict and tough and would have that ‘No-Time-To-Give-A-Flying-Fuck’ face but I was like that or maybe I am still that way ‘cause I love what I do and I take my job very very seriously. Maybe that is why even after 3 years I don’t have people I can call my friends or family. Maybe that is why I never could find a connect with a person or any human emotion which binds us together. Maybe that is why I have been alone. Maybe that is why I am cut off from the world and always looking for another mission, another target, another war to be a part off. I guess the beast inside of me always wants feeding ‘cause for some reason he never gets fulfilled with the death I give him. No matter how many men I kill, no matter if the kill count has now reached upto 1,200, the beast inside of me wants more and more. Maybe that is why I am out here, behind enemy lines. I guess there is a rush in this. There is a thrill which love or friendship can never give me. And even though there are times when I feel those moments of ‘What ifs?’ I know when I pull the trigger and see the scumbag in my sights take his last breath, everything in the world makes sense. I heard Lindsay moved on and got married recently. I am happy for her. I wanted to wish her personally but I know she wouldn’t want to talk to me. I still have her ring though. It is a constant reminder of the one thing that really meant so much to me.The one thing that I gave up to be here. That knowingness makes me feel stronger. I wouldn’t disagree with you, sometimes it gets very lonely. But all men who become wolves have to wander the jungle alone. Greatness has a price. I know that more than anyone else.

"And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death."

-Walt Whitman


I adjust the scope for the very last time. The wind is perfect. I inhale a long breath and see the HVT. He also inhales from his cigar. I wait for him to blow the smoke out. The moment he does, I gently pull the trigger. Within a matter of a second, I see bullet pierce through his head and a fraction later his body is on the ground with the fragments of his brains every where. His personal guards go into a state of shock. They start yelling and within a few seconds later the emergency siren rings. I learnt one thing in sniper school and that is to never underestimate your enemy so instead of giving them the time to even guess where I am, as a surprise I planted some C-4 Explosives all around the facility to go off in sequence. You know, to create a diversion. And the moment I press the button on the remote control, the C-4s, perfect as clockwork start going off one after the other. By this time the whole base has come alive. Guards and soldiers are in a state of disarray. They don’t know what to do or from whom to take orders from. Some men get into their jeeps and drive off towards the blasts, while some stand where they are too scared to do anything. The mission was a success. The HVT is down and now it is time for me to reach the exfil. By now, the blasts must have been the signal to the satellites above that my mission was a success and within 30mins the heli would be waiting for me for my extraction whether I make it there or not. I am right now in radio silence so I don’t give the enemy a way to find my signal and location. I go back to base. Make sure nothing is left behind and just to be sure rig the entire cave with C-4. I give it one last look. This cave was my home for the last 3 months. And then I head out. When I am about 500 metres away I press the button and the entire caves collapses with the might and sound of the explosives. I reach the extraction point and within minutes the heli arrives. It lands and come out the navy seals on board who are ordered to bring me back home. They do as told. I give them the thumbs-up that I am ok and we are ready to move. The heli roars its engines and we are in the air. After a while with my rifle still in my hand and my hands still twitching for another mission as glorious as this, one of the seals comes upto and asks, “How was it?” and I tell him, “It was as easy as breathing.”

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death."

-Revelation 6:8

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this is the Story of The Reaper.

With All My Might,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


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