I am wide awake. Don’t know why? I am on my starvation diet which means I only get to eat 300gms of chicken in the night and workout twice in the day. I did cardio today for 90mins. I promised myself I will do that. And I burnt over 1,000 calories. Yes, it is an achievement and I am proud. My body should be craving for sleep by now but somehow my mind wants to blog. It tells me to blog tonight and write in my diary tomorrow. Don’t know why. You see my mind has been my greatest ally and my worst enemy. So right now, I don’t which role it is playing. Anyways I just got back from some place important. I don’t wanna tell you from where. I am right now too insecure to share. You know, been there and done that a billion times over so I am scared shitless to share something good with you in the fear that it will be gone soon. Before you think I sound negative, I went to visit a wonderful tarot lady recently and she told me not to think any negative thoughts. So I am trying that. To be honest I always thought I wasn’t negative but a realist. Anyways, the people around me have ordered me to do the same so even if I wanna share something with them I can’t ‘cause they will think I am going dark again. That really makes me sad ‘cause if I can’t be open with the people I love then with whom can I be? But on the brighter side, I am alone again today. After a very long time I have the apartment to myself and I am loving every moment of this. I guess the Loner in me is right now having a party! He he! These moments don’t come often I must say. You know travelling by yourself is cool but there is something spectacular of being all by yourself in your own apartment! :-) This blog is titled “Complete Randomness” so my apologies to you if this blog doesn’t have any message or a start or an end. This is just me being me.
There is so much I wanna say. So many people I wanna say shit too and so many wounds I wanna heal. But I don’t know where to start. I guess I won’t start at all. You know, being completely honest I sometimes feel I am a coward ‘cause I don’t say how I feel even though I really want too. Einstein said it, didn’t he … He said that evil will rise when good men do nothing. So am I letting evil rise and letting the wrong continue by saying nothing? You know I have met the so-called honest people. They think that they are honest but actually they are cold and rude. There are ways to express the truth. Yes, I know the truth hurts but if there is humanity in us, we owe it to the world to make it less hurtful and painful when expressing our versions of the truth. But I guess for every diplomat there is a scumbag who thinks he is on the side of truth. Maybe that is why I keep quiet, ‘cause I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such ‘truthful’ statements. People say I am very good in expressing through my writing. That is a huge compliment but they don’t see the real picture there. When I blog and write I am actually seeking their help. To spread my word. To make the world read my blogs. To make the world see my story. That is my truth. I want to be heard. I really want too. I want the world to look at me also. I hope one day that time comes when they wait for my blogs. That would make me really very happy. But until then I will continue to write these blogs with the belief that yes, one day that time will come. :-) See, I am being positive here. I told you, I am a realist and practical. I see facts the way they are, even though sometimes my emotions get the most of me. And the strangest thing is whenever I express myself in a good way or a bad way, I am called a Bacha or a kid! Now that really pisses me off! For god’s sake people, I am turning 30 this july! Don’t take my calmness, quietness and politeness as something childish. Yes, I won’t fail to admit that I am a complete mama’s boy but I am a man in my own terms as well. If you could only see it.
I just mentioned to you in the previous paragraph how desperate I am for the world to listen to me and that is why I write these blogs. I remember a year ago, whenever I use to upload one of these entries I used to send it to everyone I had on my mailing list and send the link to all the celebrities on twitter. But I have stopped doing that now ‘cause honestly I don’t know who gives a fuck and who doesn’t. I mean, if you really wanna read my blogs you can always go to my website and read them. Why should I send them to you? That is the Leo trait in me talking right now. Too proud and self-respected even though sometimes the Lion in me takes time to wake up but once he does he never sleeps. I don’t know who reads my blogs. Who posts them or tweets them. I see the people I know doing all that they are doing. I am not important. They just say I am. You see, for them, words are only words. Friendship, love, respect and kindness mean nothing in today’s world. I know I am no saint but I have tried to live up to my word. For me promises matter and I really believe in the acts of kindness. I believe no one should be alone but in the process I have always been left alone. There are some out there who really try but you see they fail to understand. It is the understanding that gets them and they finally give up and leave. Typical isn’t it. People. Always. Leave. And that is why I try to not let people come in my sacred circle and hurt me al though they are doing a very good job at it and I am completely to blame for it. Maybe I expect too much from them. But I forget that we humans are the most selfish of the species and we will first only think of ourselves over anyone else. That is like a repeat telecast for me. Whenever I try to get close I get hurt ‘cause people are too selfish, cold or just too ambitious to think of anyone else besides themselves. I know I am ambitious too but I am not this cold! Anyways, people will always be the way they are and if you don’t tell them how you feel, they will complain that you don’t communicate and when you do express how you feel, they feel bad, frustrated and cry! Now tell me, is that fair? It is truly a funny world we live in. :-)
My sleep is kicking in. It is 01:50am now. I am glad I am feeling sleepy. Will try to wake up early and catch the oscars. Let’s see. But even if I don’t, I have spinning by 10:30am followed by a doctor’s appointment. I am side-by-side even listening to Kesha. Man! I fucking love that woman! Her songs are spectacular and she expresses! Like really expresses you know. Will surely take a picture with her and instagram it when I meet her. As I mentioned spinning and cardio earlier, nowadays, it is the only thing that I am doing. Cradio, cardio and cardio. Ask any fitness freak and he or she will tell you that after a point Cardio starts playing with your head if you don’t have that many options to burn those calories. Luckily for me my gym 48 fitness has got wifi enabled treadmills and machines where to pass the time, I Youtube UFC Videos. Trust me, they are highly motivational, especially the way they train. But the more I see those videos a deep sadness emerges in me ‘cause I know that I live in a country where people see nothing beyond cricket. I know it is the heart beat of the nation and I also felt bad when I heard India lost Pakistan, our arch nemesis but our country has to broaden it’s horizons and look beyond six stumps and give support to other sports as well. I know cricket is a money-minting machine today but only if someone sees and understands that there are people out there who are passionate about other sports, we can have so many more opportunities for the neglected sports. I just hope that day comes. See, I am again being positive. :-) Blogs really help me. They are my de-stress therapies and I feel very good when I express. That happens to you when you don’t have anyone who understands you. If you ever meet me, you will see that I really love the things I own. Yes, I am very materialistic but at the same time I am also very much in love with them. I take very good care of them. That is the thing I like about machines. They are very balanced. If you take care of them, they take care of you. There is complete balance between me and my machines. Not like the people I know. They know shit about balance. They say they try but in my world, trying isn’t enough. Either you do or you don’t. I know my circumstances and even though I am in these circumstances I do whatever I believe will bring the balance in my relationships. But unfortunately I don’t always get when I give and I hate that. No, I am not being negative now. I am just being honest. The Truth hurts. Doesn’t it?
The last paragraph! Finally! I don’t know why I always make the 5th paragraph the last. I mean why not the 4th or the 6th, hain na? Weird me. Anyways, thanks for reading, whoever is reading this. Hope I didn’t bore you. To be honest, I don’t give me a fuck what you think. You can keep your opinions to yourself. All my life I have been told what to do by people who didn’t matter to me. Just because I was silent. Mind you, don’t take my silence was dumbness. I read somewhere “Deep Silence Is The Daughter Of Deep Vengeance” so I guess there is a monster in me waiting to see this world burn or maybe there isn’t. That wonderful tarot lady told me I have only good karma’s now. That really relaxed me ‘cause I always thought that my Punishment was for my sins. Now I realise that it is God still pulling my leg. As Frank Castle told in Punisher War Zone, “Sometimes I Like To Get My Hands On God!”. I also feel like that! I wanna go up to him and just scream you know! Scream my guts out and scream until he hears my cries! I wanna ask him, “Why Have You Forsaken Me?” I want him to answer him. I want him to end the suffering. I want him to fill me up. I want him to make me happy and take this loneliness and emptiness away! I want him to end me or my suffering. This is what I wish. This is what I want. But I guess I am just an insomniac writing a blog which no one will read. Fate and Destiny have been very cruel with me. I know they have. They have broken my body and poisoned my mind. But they haven’t broken my will yet and it is that one strand of hope that one string of purity which is still left in me which makes me go fight another day and wait. The wait. Oh my! It is the wait that kills you, you know! I wish and pray that no man or woman go through what I have gone through. No one deserves this kind of punishment. We all deserve to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We all deserve our slice of heaven and we all deserve our rewards. I guess that is why I still believe. I guess that is why I still fight. I guess that is why I have still survived. See, I am Positive. :-)
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Was Truly Complete Randomness.
With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,