Thursday, 20 June 2013

F A T E ...

"One day I will rule the world. One day, there will be monuments on my name. I will conquer mountains and steal the hearts of millions. But no matter what I do, I know I will never be able to escape my fate."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

Right now I am at the special screenings of #Enemmy. The reason I am using # before Enemmy is because it is the twitter hashtag for all of you to read all the news and related articles of #Enemmy. So please feel free and tweet all that you can about #Enemmy. And yes, the film releases tomorrow. It is only a mere 24hrs away. You may ask me how I am feeling. Well, the only answer I will give you is that I am in a state of numbness. That is how I kept myself composed during Rocky's release too. But underneath this Punisher tshirt and Diesel Jeans and Wax-Used Hair, you will see a man who is coming to terms with his own self. Coming to terms with certain truths of life. And as they say, 'The Truth Shall Set You Free.' And it has. We have 3 screenings today of #Enemmy. One for the press, one for family and friends and one for the people from the industry. Just a day ago, I would really want my close friends and family to be with me during these screenings to lend me support. But today, I am all by myself here. It's not that they can't be here. It is just that I know I have to do this by myself. As I said, "A Man Can Do Many A Things In His Life Span But What He Can't Do Is Escape His Fate" And now, I will tell you why …

Love cannot save you from your own fate.

Throughout my life I have lived by one code. And one code only. That 'Greatness Requires Sacrifice'. That in order to reach the pinnacles of stardom and ultimate supremacy one must be ready to sacrifice anything and everything, even if that means the happiness you receive from others or the comfort that they provide you. But since january, my outlook had kinda changed. I started to believe that life can actually be simple and even a man like me can enjoy the simple pleasures of life. In other words, I started to get soft. But Fate always shows us the way and we all know through experience that Fate is a very strict teacher and it will do whatever is necessary, to show us where we are meant to go and how should we go about it. Lately, circumstances and realisations have brought me back to the place I always belonged. And that is, My Path To Greatness. Today, writing this blog, I only feel peace. I only feel right. I only feel a sense of belonging. I can now say, "I Am Home." Of course, many a people who will read this blog will think I am going Dark again or I am spacing out again. Some may even feel insecure and a certain paranoia. But I am not going dark or sith. I am attuned with my Fate now. And when a man does that, he has nothing to fear … He only has things to embrace.
It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate.

I know I have changed now. And I also know that I can't undo what I have down in the past. But just like Kratos in God Of War 3, I finally came to terms with myself and started forgiving myself for the sins I committed. If I wasn't a changed man today, I wouldn't had gone to all the Shrines, Temples and Churches and pleaded to God for forgiveness. I wouldn't have new notions of life which told me to do the right thing more than the popular thing. I know I am not any messiah but I know I am on the path of my own redemption. But in the same time, I am on a journey of self-discovery. God has said in all of his books that "More than seeking the answers outside, seek them within and you shall fine what you are looking for." And that is what I am exactly doing. And the more I ask, the more I receive. Yes, this is a journey. But this is a journey I have to walk alone. But do you know what is more exciting than Fate showing me the way? What is more exhilarating than the fact this is how it was always meant to be? It is The Truth. But do you know what the truth is? The Truth is that for the last 14 years this is how I always wanted it to be! This is how I wanted it to play out. This is how I wrote the story of my life. And now I am glad that it is …
Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.

Since 2005, I have had one constant in my life. The Punisher. He has been my symbol of strength and courage. He has been my only friend {besides Michael} who has always stood besides me and guided me further. I know, many of y'all won't understand. But I promise one day, I will tell you all about the deep-rooted connection I have with The Punisher. Today, standing in this preview theatre I am wearing the Skull t-shirt {The Punisher's Symbol} not only because I love it so much but also because I am reminding myself of who I truly am. They say, "You become the company that you hang around with." And in this case, I have become like The Punisher or as Fate wants to put it, more like the man who will one day resemble The Punisher's attributes. I have realised and I have come to terms with the fact that I can never go soft. I may not think bad about others or use Hate as my fuel today but I know now that I can never be normal. Fate never planned Normal for me. I was always meant for other things. Things that demand a certain amount of sacrifice. Things that require me to take decisions which will ultimately culminate to me being by myself. So as they say, "You Can't Fight Fate."
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.

I am in the last paragraph of my blog now but that doesn't mean that this story ends here. No, this story has only just begun. I always knew that I was The Lone Wolf. I always knew that My Fate will always show me the way. And today the road is as clear as crystal. Today, there are no doubts or fears. Today, there is only the truth. The Righteous Truth which will take me to where I was meant to go. You know, sometimes we want people to fill that empty frame. Sometimes we want the gaps to get filled but for me, the truth is that, that Picture Frame only belongs to me. Those holes require filling up only by me. This journey demands my walk. A walk with no one to walk with. I don't know what is in stored for me in the future. I don't know what will be the verdict of #Enemmy. All I know is that I have a journey to look forward too. A journey which will make me travel the world and maybe even into space. A journey which will push my limits and take me into the oblivion. A journey which will make me realise that I can be a man of greatness more than love. A journey that will make me numb to emotions and more powerful to face the demons in the closet. A journey that My Fate has bestowed upon me.
To live alone is the fate of all great souls.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am Exactly Where Fate Wants Me To Be.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"Far From Home. This song is by the band Five Finger Death Punch and it is truly one of the most soulful and touching songs that I have ever heard. It connects with me deeply because I have always felt that I will be the out cast and that I can never be normal. And I will always belong out there. In the wilderness. And no matter how much I seek for forgiveness, heaven's gate will never open for me." - Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Sunday, 9 June 2013

The Road To Redemption ...

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.
-Tennessee Williams

Fate. It is attached to all of us and I have come to realise that we all are meant to do what we are meant to do. Right now, sitting in the flight en route back to mumbai from jaipur, I again ask myself the questions. You know, those un answered questions which creep in my thoughts. Questions that seek answers. Questions that need to know the truth. And so I ask myself again with the hope that my questions will be answered by the almighty universe. But before I venture ahead with questions and thoughts that are worthy of denial, I must say and confess a few things. I am not the blogger I used to be. And that saddens me. I still love blogging but now, I don't know why, I blog very less. I hope this changes in the days to come and I go back to my weekly blogging. Blogging, just like writing in a journal has always been very therapeutic for me and I pray that I keep on doing it for the rest of my life. Irrespective whether my blogs get an audience or not.  I am promoting Enemmy as much as I can and I pray everyday that the people find Enemmy worthy to go and watch it in the theatres on the 21st of june. I was growing my hair for a 'trial run' but I recently again cut it short because Short Hair spikes up my confidence a thousand folds! My Parents, being the blessings that they are have appointed a new trainer for me. He is a rock star and extremely dedicated and pushing me above the plateau I was in for a while when it came to My Training and Dieting. And as I mentioned a few lines earlier, I am right now going back to mumbai from jaipur. Well, I wasn't in jaipur for filming or for a holiday. Me and My Family had gone to the Ajmer Darga to receive blessings for health, happiness, prosperity and Enemmy. And when I was there, I was prepared to ask and plead for the same but something in me told me to ask for something else. And so I did. Want to know what that is? Well bloggers, I asked for Forgiveness. And I pleaded that one day, I want to find my Redemption …

The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it 
means sacrifice or some difficult times.
If you look up the word Redemption in the dictionary, the meaning would be 'Deliverance From Sin'. Sin. God, I know how many of those I have done. And to this day, those sins haunt me. They remind me of the monster that I was and send shivers down my spine when they make me realise that I am still very much that same monster. But something in me has changed. I know it has. Call it my insecurity or my fear, whether it is related to my career or myself, I know I have taken steps to change and to be a better person. But no good deed goes un punished and I know that I have to face trail for the sins I have done. Everything in life comes with a price and for a guy like me, who has only made deals with the devil, looking up to god for forgiveness wouldn't be an easy task. But still here I am, confessing to god in my own weird way for his forgiveness and a chance to be a better man. In the years that lay ahead of me, I don't want to be a better person than my peers or my mentors, I just want to be the best version of myself. And I hope and pray that I have the strength to do that. This Road to Redemption of mine has been more like going to rehab. And as every addict out there who wants a second chance to a better life, I am trying to fight my inner demons and trying to kill them one by one. I love a fight but to be honest, I never thought I am going to go against the very things who made me the way I am! And my demons are stubborn! They just don't quit! Well, I won't blame them. They were made that way. It is not the demons in my mind that are the problem, it is the people that I face who are my greatest challenge. At times like these, I only remember the words from The Godfather Part 3. "Just when I was about to go out, they pulled me right back in!"

Redemption just means you just make a change in your 
life and you try to do right, versus what you were doing, 
which was wrong.
-Ice T 
In my life's journey, my biggest challenge has always been people. Whether it was to impress them or make them like me or get their approval, I was, at one point of time completely convinced that my life can only go ahead if I am approved by the people. of course, my career surely demands that but until a while ago, I thought that my entire life required that! And so, in that journey, I had lost myself. I don't know where I was headed and before you know it, I was a changed man. We human beings have this notion that one day we can become invincible. It is Hard for me to agree to this but I thought the same once too. And in this false notion I started doing things without thinking of the after math. But today I know, every choice has an affect. Good or bad, the choice will always bear fruit and one day, the bubble will burst. But when I realised all of this, I know it was too late. There was nothing that I could had done to fix the damage that I had done. All my haters and the people I have wronged will surely be spitting on my face right now and to be honest, they have all the right to do so. But believe it or not, this isn't an act. This is a sincere apology. An apology from the bottom of my heart to the ones I have wronged. I know I can't change the hurt I have caused but I promise you that I will never do it again to anyone else. My conscious screams at me now. Telling me to man the fuck up and write this blog leaving my pride and ego aside and truly ask for forgiveness from the people I have wronged and also from god. I just hope in this journey of mine I am truly forgiven because more than the wealth and happiness that god blesses us with, I need his forgiveness. At least until I meet him at my time of passing.

The fact is there is forgiveness for those who seek God. 
And I believe in the power of redemption.
At times like these I only remember the episodes from the hit tv show Angel. I have mentioned Angel before but I have to talk about him again. In mostly all the episodes he is confronted my monsters who lurk in the darkness but more than the monsters he faces on the streets, he faces his true demons within. And he is always on the quest for redemption and he believes that one day, his soul will become pure again. That one day, he will be forgiven. I know that forgiveness doesn't come easy. It doesn't come by holding your hands and crying to the almighty for forgiveness, It comes by doing what one has never down before. It comes by doing the Good. Yes, the Good. I know that word and me don't go hand to hand but under these circumstances the Good is the only thing that is keeping me going. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that there is still some good left in me and now, I want to concentrate all of my energies to flourish this powerful good. I want to be a better person and right now, even though I may not change the world I know I can start by being a better person for the people who still love me. In today's world, there is a lot scarcity of love. So I am not going to be stupid and ruin what love I have left in me to give to the ones who have loved me unconditionally even when I was more of a monster than a normal human being. They deserve only my love now and even when the world throws hate at me and reminds me of my past mistakes, I want to only give love in return. For I know now, that more than hate, it is love that will triumph in the end. And the more I become a better person, the sooner god will take notice of my actions and grant me my forgiveness. 

I guess darkness serves a purpose: to show us that 
there is redemption through chaos. I believe in that. I 
think that's the basis of Greek mythology.
As I mentioned before, I know I fucked up and I know that no matter what I do, I can't change what I have done. But I also do know that the future is still a vast landscape and it is in my hands to choose the right choices. Before my conscious was asleep. But now, it has awakened and it gives me the strength to come face to face with my own horrors. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. And I read somewhere that in order to be a good person, all we have to do is give love and happiness, even if it is one soul at a time. And now, on the verge of Enemmy's release that is exactly what I am trying to do. Once again, to all those that I have wronged I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I have done and I hope that in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive me. I know pain only gives hate but if we can hate, we can love too. And I hope one day that happens. I know that I have embarked on a very long journey but all great journeys begin with a single step. I want to change. I want to be a good person and I want to find my redemption. This is a public forum and that is why I am not mentioning the names of the people who have been associated with me. You can call me a coward or whatever name you would like to give me but believe it or not, I have always had sheer respect for all of you. I hope one day, in this life or the next, I am forgiven. And if this journey requires me to walk alone, then so be it. For I know that this is fate's undertaking. I don't know what lies in front of me. All I know that I have the power to choose even though freedom sometimes only feels like an illusion. That topic is for some other day. Going to ajmer was surely an eye opener to me. They say he calls you to him. And once you go there, if you ask something with all the purity of your heart, it will come true. I just hope that I have that purity left in me.

Life is full of constant ups and downs, and all I ask for is 
redemption in the end.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This is My Road To Redemption. I Just Hope I Find It.

With All My Might,

Your No:1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

P.S. God, I Hope You Are Listening.