"Live. Hunt. Kill. Die. Respawn. Repeat."

 The grass is lush and green. The wind is quiet. Even the birds know not to fly today. There is something in the air. Everyone can feel it. The man next to me and to my right. These aren't men who are divided but united by a single cause. To defeat the enemy. We wait for the commands from our fearless senior officer. We wait in terror and in courage. Suddenly, we hear the wind change. It starts to roar and we see a tornado coming towards us. We know what must be done and without hesitation we rise up and start running towards where our enemy is hiding. Bullets race across these once quiet lands. Comrades and brothers whom we loved fall to their deaths like flies. This place is worse than hell. But this place is called earth. Once a peaceful planet, now ravaged by greed and power by men and who think it is ok to burn it to ashes. We are the few soldiers and armies left who stand to protect the freedom of the innocent and the last known resources left to survive. We are the last few left who can fight for this world. We are the only few left who will die trying. Welcome to Battlefield!

If you thought this is a plotline for a major Hollywood blockbuster, you are wrong. This, in fact is a baseline story for the latest Battlefield game called Battlefield 2042 or BF2042. As you can see, video games are just like movies and in this blog, I wanted to share with you, the amazing world of video games and how these video games changed my life for the better. I always wanted a War to Fight and now, through video games, I live in those battles everyday. :-)

To understand something that is happening to us now, we must always go back to the beginning, for whatever and whoever we are, is always connected to our past. So let me take you on a trip down memory lane and make you relive what I lived for so many years. 

I remember, when I was like 8 years old and Media Mega Drive had come out and me, being the over excited kid that I was told my mom to take me to Sayonara, the biggest electronics and toy store near our house, so that I could get my hands on this amazing new gaming console which had just released. I still remember the excitement and look on my face when the owner brought the this mega machine and kept in front of me. I was nearly about to cry with excitement! That evening, my cousins came over and all were as excited as me to play Media Mega Drive. We opened it, installed all the remotes and wires and switched on the tv. Well, the rest was history. We all were playing for hours and hours and none of us wanted to give the chance to the other since there were only 2 remote controls to play with. Whether it was the All-Time Classic Super Mario Bros., or Super Contra or Jungle Ride, me and my cousins were hooked. From then on, every weekend, it was gaming time for hours. And the best part was we only had a few titles to play with but were so happy playing them over and over again. What did I know then that the sheer enjoyment and excitement of playing Media Mega Drive would one day become such an important part of my life.

I was a 90's kid and at that point in time, the video game business was thriving. Well, it wasn't the Multi-Billion Dollars industry it is today but a lot of kids were getting happier. Even India, as a country was importing many a consoles which meant, I would soon get my hands on all the latest consoles which were releasing. I am so lucky and blessed to say that I have played game titles on almost every gaming console which came out. Whether it was Tetris on the Nintendo Gameboy, Street Fighter on Nintendo 32-Bit, Mortal Combat on Sega Mega Drive or Tom Cat Alley on the Sega Media Drive, I have played them all and as you guessed it, loved every moment doing so. But video games was more like a pop culture for us kids and in a way, bragging rights to be the 'cool' kid in school. My point is, during the early to late 90's, video games were booming and also a lot stigmas attached to them. That video games aren't good for kids. That kids don't study well after playing them and that their eyes get spoilt and what not. But no matter what the world was thinking, there was one boy in Mumbai (Bombay at that time) who was very happy being lost in this beautiful world which was created by only inserting a few wires into the power cords. :-)

I guess by now, I don't have to tell you more about how much I have loved video games and how they have always been a part of me growing up. And you also must be wondering why I have kept Live-Hunt-Kill-Die-Respawn-Repeat as my blog title. Well, if I don't keep the best parts for later, how will I make you read my entire blog and also create an algorithm so this blog can be read by so many other? But jokes apart, I, myself didn't know that video games would become the gateway to my soothing happiness. A place where I go and I feel only happiness. Let me explain ...

I always believed I was a Soldier. Whether that was an Indian Special Forces Commando or a Seal Team Six Navy Seal or a United States Marine Corps Special Forces member, the Army and Soldiers have always fascinated me. I had this urge to be on the Battlefield and fight the good fight with my brothers. There was always this need and hunger to always keep fighting. So you can imagine how happy I felt when I got my hands on the Campaigns of Call Of Duty and Battlefield! I was like a kid on Christmas day except, it was Christmas for me every time I switched on the PlayStation and heard Capt. Price say, "Cheeky Bastard". And oh my did I play those campaigns over and over again! Whether it was with the Speakers on Full Blast or when I couldn't sleep at night, Battlefield and Call Of Duty were always there to give me my happy pill. But little did I know that most exhilarating rush was still yet to come.

This shift or 'explosion' came in my life post my marriage. I believe everything in life happens for a reason and I believe everything in life is connected and happens for only our good. I am now married to the most loving, caring and supportive wife any man can have and it was my wife, Madalsa who told me to give MULTIPLAYER Games a chance since the COD (Call Of Duty for short) which was released in 2018, titled Black Ops 4 didn't have a story driven campaign mode. At first, I was very hesitant as in the past, I was never inclined towards Multiplayer games. Back then, it was only the rush of the campaign which excited me. But since I didn't have the option of the campaign I was like, "Ya fine, I will give Multiplayer a shot and see what happens. Worst to worst I'll try it, not like it and wait for another whole year until the next Cod game arrives, hopefully with a campaign." 

But as fate would have it, the exact opposite happened! I was hooked to the world of multiplayer! Remember when I told you earlier that I always loved fighting? Well, in MP (short for multiplayer) I got to experience that rush a billion times more! It was like how that saying goes, "Once The Lion (Or Tiger) Tastes Blood, It Can't Ever Stop Eating."

It was October 2018 to this day today. My life completely changed. I was more in love with Video Games it was all thanks to my wife urging me to try MP and experience something new and challenging and trust me, it gets very challenging to play these games online. What I mean is, you come across so many players from all around the world who are so good in playing these games. There have been days, when I have died 72 times in one round and there have been times when I have called in a Nuke in a match. 

Today, just before writing this blog, I finished setting up my gaming room. This room which I have at home is like a Mini Temple for me. It is a room where I come to everyday and a place I somewhat worship. It is a room where I come and put on my headphones and switch off the world outside. It is place where I go online and go to war everyday with people whom I will never meet. It is a sanctuary where I improve my skills and Stream Live On Twitch. (Search Meem0h on twitch). It is a room which wouldn't had been possible without my wife's support and a very dear friend of mine, Tushar. This gaming room is my home within my home.

So how do I explain to you the joys I feel here? How do I write in words how good these battles and wars and gunplay make me feel? How do I tell how good it feels to find a camper and spray bullets on him, only to find him again, camping in another part of the map and yet doing the same thing again to him? How do I make you feel this peace I feel. This isn't just gaming for me, this is a world I have created for me. A safe space where I LIVE as a Soldier, HUNT like a Predator, KILL like a Monster, DIE like a Mortal, RESPAWN like a Ghost and REPEAT like a Robot. :-)

So before I go I just wanted to say that we all need our safe spaces. Our spaces of wonder. Our spaces of escape. I am lucky to have found mine and I hope one day you found yours as well.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakarborty.

See You At The Battlefield.:-)

 

Therapy Is Well … Therapeutic. :)

I’m glad I do therapy. I mean, not all can admit when they need help but I am glad and proud to be one of the few who admit that therapy has really changed my life. 

We all need help. In some form or another. Someone needs financial help. Or emotional help and sometimes it’s just help to carry the groceries. We are humans not super heroes. We all need our saving. I was and I still am one of them. One of the many who needs saving and for a very long time, I had convinced myself that I don’t need it. Call it ego or pride or just a fake male bravado, I kept telling myself for years that I am ok and strong enough to deal with the problems and challenges the world throws at me. But I was wrong and I am so glad I was. 

I believe in fate. I believe we all come with a destiny and when you trust the process, you come to understand that everything happens at the right time, at the right place and for the right reasons. Therapy is in my life because I do believe it is for the greater good and for a purpose which is beyond my comprehension. Of course, I won’t be able to tell you what I discuss with my therapist but I can of course tell you how much therapy has unraveled me in front of my own eyes. I understand myself more better now and therapy works because you are shedding your mask and being absolutely vulnerable and truthful to a stranger who’s only job is to make you better. There are no judgements nor any comparisons nor disappointments. There are only solutions to problems which we create in our own minds. 

I used to keep asking myself, why am I so stuck up on things. Why am I so rigid and such a pain in the ass. Through therapy I realized that it was because I was afraid of change. Afraid to step into the unknown and feel lost. Through each session of talking and debating and understanding, it has come to my attention that the only person blocking me from me being who I truly am, is ME. My own thoughts which I have knotted tight in my brain. It’s not my emotions which are the problem, it’s the thoughts which control them. When people ask me to sum up how good therapy is, I just tell them it’s me, unknotting those constant negative thoughts in my brain, one thread at a time. One session at a time. :)

I am not here publicizing therapy nor am it’s brand ambassador. If I wanted to promote my therapist, I would had told you who that person was and would had even given the person’s contact details here. But this blog isn’t about that. This blog is an attempt to show you that it’s ok to ask for help and to seek help and that there is nothing wrong to be weak. In fact, I believe that when a person admits that he/she needs help, it is actually, a sign of great strength and courage. I know that society considers therapy a taboo but therapy just doesn’t imply that you need to talk to a certified expert. Therapy means that you talk. Just talk it out. Vent out and feel lighter and better. Keeping things inside and trying to deal with your problems on your own doesn’t do you any good. Trust me, I know. Talk to people whom you can trust. Speak your heart and be yourself and I promise you that you will feel better. No matter how alone you feel, I do believe that the almighty has given us at least one person with whom we can shed our skin and be real with. I really hope you have that person in your life right now as you read this. 

Whether it was my last blog about captain America or the blog previous to it about CrossFit, I know all these blogs are a part of who I am and even writing this blog right now is therapy for me. I am in a way, venting, letting out my emotions and feeling better about myself. :) I have also understood that I am fine the way I am. Whether I am bruised, battered or even broken, underneath all the struggle and the pain and the insecurities and tears, I am still a Pure Bad Ass, just like all of you, for we all fight. The only sadness is that we don’t seem to care about it. But therapy reminds me everyday that I need to be me. Therapy reminds me to care because I like caring. Caring about the people I love and lifting people who have fallen for I was also once fallen. I like motivating people because I know how it feels like to be ridiculed and to be told that I am worthless. I like bringing people together because I am tired of seeing people putting lines in the sand for their religions and their gods and their lands. I want to see this world to be a better place because I do believe in hope and miracles and the divine intervention of the cosmic energy. I want to be the best version of myself even if the world doesn’t see it. I want to be me because simply, it’s just very therapeutic for me. :)

So here I am telling you once again that it’s ok to be weak and vulnerable for only when you admit that you need help can you actually learn to be free. Only when you accept that life broke you can you learn to build yourself up again. Only when you let go of all that anger and resentment can you actually forgive yourself. Only when you learn from the past can you embrace your future. You just have to learn to not be so hard on yourself. It’s ok to screw up. To have a mis step and fall. What matters is how many times you get back again. We are human beings. We are capable of horrible wars we have waged on each other and we are also capable of hugging our enemy and making him our friend. I tell you, it’s ok to be you because you are amazing just the way you are. :)

So this is me and this is my story and yes, I do need help. I found that help and I really hope you find yours as well. 

Thanking you from the bottom of my heart, 

Cause I’m just another random blogger trying to make a difference. 

With all respects,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 

What Does It Take To Be Righteous ...

 I was there. When End Game released in the theatres and when that iconic moment happened! Thor and iron man were getting beat by the mad titan Thanos and then suddenly you saw Mjornir rise from the ground and hit Thanos. But then the hammer went into the hands of Captain America and you could hear Thor said, "I knew it!" It was one of the most iconic moments in Movie History! The eruption of the entire cinema hall was an added bonus to the euphoria Steve Rogers caused! At that moment, along with the goosebumps, all I could feel was, WOW! Captain America is so worthy! I mean he is the one human being who picked up the hammer! That got me thinking and thus started my youtube searches for, 'When did steve rogers become worthy?' and so on ... The more I saw videos and read theories of comic book fans, the more I understood that Steve just wasn't worthy, he was also Righteous! 

If you google Righteousness, you will see it means, 'Acting in accord with divine or moral law. Free from guilt or sin. Morally right or justifiable. Arising from an outraged sense of justice and morality. 

So the question rises ... in our current world, what does it really take to become righteous? And do we even want to be righteous?

We are flawed creatures and I know no one can be perfect. We all have our vices and weaknesses. The good and the bad is within us all and it is ok to error. I know I am not perfect. I know I am flawed and broken but I still have this urge, this hunger to find out who I am. Imagine a quest. A quest which has no end. A journey of self discovery which honestly, doesn't have a destination. Even as I am writing this, I am looking. Looking for something within me to make sense of it all. Maybe that is why I am who I am. Over the course of my life, I have truly begun to love myself for now I am friends with the soul within me. That soul which hungers for salvation and nirvana. That soul which knows I am meant to go where I have never gone before. 

So what will it take for me to be righteous? My devotion to my parents? Or the love to the people who matter to me? Or by giving it my very best to make my dreams come true everyday? To be honest, I think in order to be righteous one has to first accept that they aren't right at all. In my life, just like the billions out there, I have made mistakes. But today, I have learnt from my mistakes and more importantly, I have accepted those mistakes and learnt to move on from them. We can lie to the world as much as we want but we can't lie to ourselves. To our souls. We must first accept who we are. Who we truly are in order to become free. I know who I am now. I am a regular joe, just like everyone else with a fire burning in me. A fire to push harder. A fire that burns because I know I still have a lot to learn and to grow. I can't ever stop. I can't stop trying and giving and getting up every time I fall. I just can't. Maybe that is why I show up to Crossfit everyday. Maybe that is why after every WOD, when I am tired and don't have a single ounce of breath left in my body, I want to train again. Maybe that is why everyday I wake up with the same hopes and dreams I had yesterday. Maybe one day, when I have finally given my all, will I be able to come close to being truly righteous. 

But what if just giving your blood, sweat and tears isn't enough? What will it take to truly be a noble soul? To have no sin in oneself and to finally kneel before God and tell him/her that I am worthy to be Righteous? I think it is the culmination of everything. The good and the bad. The light and the darkness. The love and the hate. All of it. Without fear, without remorse. To be broken yet stand tall. To fight when all is lost. To hope even when the dark is darkest for only in that darkness are you truly defined. All my life, I have carried guilt and failure on my shoulders. But now, I use that same guilt and failure as my passion. Passion which fuels me to train harder. To give more. To wake up and embrace the pain. To look at the darkness straight in the eye and say, "I am not afraid of you for you make me strong." Today, I am not learning how to bear the storm, today, I am becoming the storm! And I hope by reading this, I can help and motivate at least one person on earth to seek their righteousness. For aren't we trying to be the best versions of ourself? Aren't we trying to do good in this dark world? Aren't we trying to find our way to God? 

To love our parents, to share laughter with our friends, to motivate a downed soul, aren't these things to become righteous? Honestly, after all these years, I have understood one thing and that is if I 'try' to become righteous, I will never be righteous if my intention comes out of necessity rather than out of love. Steve Rogers never planned to become Worthy or Righteous. He was just himself and he always did what he thought was the right thing to do, even though it would make a single voice against a majority. He was always himself. Steve Rogers, was always, Steve Rogers. Maybe that is how one day I will become righteous, by me, just being me. By waking up in the morning and having the same hope I had yesterday. By loving the world and choosing kindness over anger. By being kind over showing strength. By just smiling into the empty void and not being afraid. By loving my parents and siblings and to see them smile. By never letting that fire inside of me go out. By looking at defeat and saying to it on its face, "Not Today. Not Today." By never ever giving up. Ever.

Maybe one day, you never know, I might be able to lift Thor's Hammer like Steve Rogers after all. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

And I want to one day want to become Righteous.

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A ‘Crossfit’ Of Emotions …

Before you ask, let me tell you what CrossFit is. It is the short form for Cross Functional Fitness which focuses on Strength derived from Olympic Weightlifting and Functional Cardiovascular Movements. Combine these two in a class of 60mins and what you get is a feeling only the few in this world truly know. 

I’ve been doing CrossFit in and out for about 7-8 years now but since the 3rd wave of covid came and went, I have been full on into CrossFit. Like going for 5 days a week and being the strongest guy in the box. I still suck at cardio but hey, I ain’t giving up. 

So that’s what CrossFit is. A whirlwind of emotions ‘cause everyday there is a new WOD (workout) written on the board and it’s challenging everyday. Emotions go up and down like you are on a roller coaster and by the end of it you and only you know what you have been through. 

My life or should I say my emotions and emotional thoughts have somewhat been a mix of whirlwinds as well. Kinda like clothes in a washing machine. And it is these thoughts I wanna share with you today. Maybe, somewhere in my gut, sharing these emotions is the way for me to know what I am or maybe what I am becoming …

Zayde Wolfe has become one my favourite music artists in recent years now. If you are a fan of New Age Rock then Zayde Wolfe is the guy you should search for. I love his music and especially when it comes to my CrossFit sessions. Like for instance today, we had Front Squats and as always, I lifted the heaviest, touching 120kgs for 3 Reps on 3 separate occasions! While I was doing the lifts, with zayde’s music in my AirPods, all I was telling myself was, “This Is My House!” Those words came from a place of dominance and confidence. I knew I could lift those weights and I did. Not once but thrice. Post that my thoughts took me to the CrossFit games where I was seeing the world’s greatest lift astronomical weights and defy gravity and runs for miles without any sign of fatigue and I saw one of the competitors yell and scream and say the same words, “This is My House!” Is this a sign that I feel the same way he did? This power which I know I have and backing it up every time I break my own PR? Only time will tell …

The other night, I started watching Reacher on amazon prime. The first shot and introduction of Jack Reacher is that he gets out of a bus at a quiet bus stop and then just keeps walking. Alone. Watching him walk, suddenly made me feel that I was walking. That I was reacher. That I was in this quiet town in America and just walking. Alone. I don’t know. Honestly, I STILL don’t know why being alone gives me so much of comfort. What is it about being alone that is so satisfying for me? Is it a quest I am on? Am I looking for something? Have I already found it? I honestly don’t know but what I do know is that there is this joy, a dark cold joy in me which hungers to be alone. Another Mimoh in me who wants to wander and explore and see and touch and smell the world alone. Who wants to walk alone. Like a calling I can’t mute. Like a hunger I can’t resist. A voice in me repeating the same words again and again, “Lone Wolf. Lone Wolf”

And then comes the military. I know people around the world don’t believe so much reincarnations but I 100% know that in my previous birth I was a soldier on the front lines and fighting for something worth dying for. The army, the marines, the rangers, oh, they feel so right. So true to me. Like I am in sync with every tune playing. There is something so incredible about being a soldier. About completing a mission. About challenging yourself and pushing your own boundaries. I just can’t shake the feeling. Maybe, just maybe, that is why I do CrossFit. Maybe that is why I fight. Maybe that is why I chose to be alone. I don’t know. Maybe you can help me out on this. 

See, everybody fights. Everyone has a struggle I know nothing about. And I’m not here to tell how shitty I sometimes feel or how bad things can get. I can’t relate to all but I do relate to a few. I relate to the guy who wants to loose weight. I relate to the woman who has having difficulty squating. I relate to people who show up everyday just because they wanna get better. Maybe that is why I try. That is why I try and help that guy do one more rep. Maybe that is why I like motivating people and making them realise that greatness is in all of us. Maybe that is why I hope that one day we all make our dreams come true. 

After reading this, you might be as confused as I am ‘cause I know I am in a tornado of thoughts and emotions. But I wrote this because I wanna de clutter my mess. One thought at a time. One blog at a time. And one emotion at a time. 

With All My Gratitude,

A very confused writer,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 

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