"I Guess A Man’s Thoughts Are The Clearest And Purest, When He Is With Himself.”
I do get to travel a lot. And for the record, I love travelling. And one day, just carrying my back-pack, phone and passport and travelling the world is an important item on my bucket list. And I know that one day very soon, I will be able to do that. But right now, I am travelling back to mumbai. My dad is campaigning in west bengal and so, we had gone there to visit him and lend him our support. All thanks to him, we, the family, got to travel in a private jet! While going to kolkatta I was deeply engrossed in the pages of Dan Brown’s Inferno. And now, I am deeply engrossed in my thoughts. Even though right now, I am tempted to read a few more pages of the book and see what happens next, I am choosing to do this, write another blog entry. I am a man of many thoughts and even though I write a lot in my diary nowadays, my words always find their way to my blogs. I believe that is a very good thing. Speaking of blogs and websites and social media, I am also planning to go AWOL from Twitter and Instagram. Zac Efron is one of the few I admire in hollywood and in an interview a few years ago he said that he would never come on any social media websites. Back then, I thought that, that wasn’t a wise decision but today, I somehow agree with the man. Besides his drop dead good looks, he is also very intelligent and one of the hottest stars in hollywood for a reason! So here I am, in a private jet, going back home, with thoughts that need to be typed and to be expressed.
"I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude."
Fear. It is the one thing we all try to run away from. I on the other hand thank fear, ‘cause it is with fear that I realise what is important for me and what I may loose if I don’t give it my importance. I feel fear all the time. Whether it is through my insecurities or the unravelled future, fear always creeps up to me. At first, I used to run away from it also. But as GSP said, “We all are afraid. We all feel fear. And that is a good thing ‘cause only by admitting that you are afraid will you not be scared anymore.” Today, I look in the mirror and see through my eyes, into my soul and I try to hear the voice. The voice of my conscious that has always delivered me from evil. That has always shown me the way and which has always saved me when I needed it the most. I have to be honest with you, I do feel a change coming. A change which is meant for the better of me ‘cause now I have come to this understanding that everything happens for a reason and the reason always pushes us forward, towards our destinies. For a while now, the voices in my head had stopped talking to me. But now, they have come back. And I know that there must be a reason behind it. And this time, I am not fighting them but rather I am welcoming them.
"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company."
I don’t believe in God or the word God by lengths and miles. But I do believe in energy and the cosmic power of the universe. And for many years now, I have felt this deep connection with the universe and everything in it. Some people look up and talk to it, I write in my diary. My diary is like my cosmic connection with the universe and I have seen that whenever I write my feelings and wants out in my diary, the universe replies to me in a jiffy. That is one of the reasons my diary is my best friend. I carry it along with me wherever I go and it feels great to vent out my emotions in it from time to time. For me, balance, dependancy and attention are strong points when it comes to relationships. Whether it is friendship, family or love, I take these three things very seriously and I put up walls the moment I feel that the balance is no longer there. Speaking of walls, they are up now as we speak. I am not blaming anyone anymore for these walls. I understand that not everyone can live through the same circumstances, as everyone has to first seek their own priorities. But now I have come to realise that I can’t be the guy waiting at the receiving end either. Just like everyone else, i have to protect my emotions and save my ass as well. So to whomever it may concern, understand that I am not going away, I am just pulling the chord which channelled my dependancies.
"A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode."
I am turning 30 in the next three months. Why is this birthday so important for me? Well, it is because the number 30 is very close to me. This is my 30th birthday and I am born on the 30th of july 1984. If you add my birth year 8+4 you will get 12 and if you add those numbers, 1+2 you will get 3. So that is why, this birthday is very important for me as I believe I am entering the most important phase of my life. I asked my buddies Nathan and Nadira about how it feels to be 30 and above and both of them said the same thing, “At 30, all boys leave their boyhoods behind and enter Manhoods.” To be honest, I completely agree with them. I am in that zone as we speak. I am remembering all the crazy, stupid and dumb things that I did and I am looking forward to the amazing future at the same time. I am scared that I will never be young again and at the same time I am looking forward to be more matured and sound. This is the most interesting transitional phase of my life right now and I am truly enjoying the journey. My brothers friends laugh at me ‘cause none of the girls hit on me anymore and mostly all of them address me now as ‘Uncle’ ‘cause of the white hair in my hair and beard. A part of me does get scarred by those comments but a side of me is glad that I am over it. I guess right now would be the right time to hear the Britney Spears song, “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.”
"I restore myself when I'm alone."
My mom just said I am a recluse. She is right on that. I have always been by myself or maybe the truth is, I always wanted to be alone. There are times even today when I just wanna be by myself and those moments are the most therapeutic for me. My driver kasim often asks me, “How come I love being alone so much?” He said, that whomever he has asked, they all have said that they can’t be alone. That they always need someone’s company to keep them entertained. But I love my own company the most and for me, that is freedom. To be the master of your own life and living it by your own rules. I do believe in fate and in destiny and I believe we all come back to our origins one way or another ‘cause that is how we realise who we really are. I may look normal from the outside but from the inside, I do feel I am a Lone Wolf. A man who will always love to be by himself rather in the company of others. As they say, I am ‘Damaged Goods’ and now, I don’t wanna be fixed. People, expectations and circumstances always turn you down and these are the things that give us real pain. When we are away from such things, we are in a much happier place. There are pros and cons in every decision we make and as wise adults we need to choose the things that give us the least amount of pain. As my dad says, “Pain is permanent. Happiness is what you get in breaks and pauses.” I am happy where I am and excited where my life will be taking me now. I have gotten rid of the demons in my life and now I am ready to face and welcome my future with open arms. Life is a journey and the best way to experience this journey is by tagging along for the ride.
"I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel."
So here I am, in the private jet, going back home to mumbai. The plane would be landing in the next 45mins or so. I look forward to the life that is waiting for me. I look forward to the Parcel from Mma Warehouse which is right now at the Indian Customs Office. I look forward to many more Mma sessions at Xff. I look forward to all those amazing UFC Live Events. And I look forward to the life that I have envisioned. I am right now in the 3rd week of my Creative Writing 101 online class from Gotham Writers. And with each passing week, I am learning more traits to be a writer. I believe that everyone should always learn and never stop exploring the unknown. I have taken the 1st step by doing this amazing writing course. You never know, maybe one day I may also write a book. Or I may take up classes in Astronomy and Psychology and write a thesis on that. The point is turning 30 is a cool thing for me right now and with it comes many a more life’s surprising moments. I am happy this change in coming in my life. And I am happy that somehow, some way, my Inner Self is still very much alive and still with me.
"Look at the sky. We are not alone. The whole universe is friendly to us and conspires only to give the best to those who dream and work."
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these have been the Airplane Chronicles.
With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,