Monday, 22 April 2013

The Road So Far ...

The Only Journey Is The One Within.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Rocky is only a few days away from release. And I am right now on my way back to mumbai. Me and the family had gone down south to visit all the properties as we do every two months. Sitting here, in the middle seat with my sister at the window and lovely gentleman in the aisle, who has given me fever because of his viral, I can only think of one thing. The road so far. Ya. It has been a beautiful journey for me. One that has taught me so many a things and is still continuing to do so. Rocky is my 1st bengali film and my 1st release after loot, which was nearly 2 years ago. Yes, in my field, 2 years is a lot of time but I guess fate wanted it to be this way. I am very proud of Rocky and now I can only hope that the world loves Rocky as much as I do. Rocky will always be a pat on the back for me as Rocky has made me a better person. The journey of Rocky has taught me many things and this blog is a description to the road travelled. I have understood that my blogs have always been my 'confessions' to the world. I know I don't owe them any but I guess my conscious feels it is the right thing to do. So here I am, on the verge of Rocky's release telling you, the world, of The Road So Far …

The longest journey is the journey inwards. Of him who has chosen his destiny, Who has started upon his quest for the source of his being.

In all the blogs that I have written so far, one thing I guess you all must have understood by now is that I am a man in the quest to find his greatness. That I have dedicated my heart and soul to this quest and that I won't stop until I attain it. But one thing that is truly ironic is that no matter how many blogs I write, no matter how many open confessions I say, the world, and the people closest to me fail to understand that. I read somewhere that "Success comes to us all. What is required is the strength to go to the dark place it takes you." I know what I have become. Monster is the common terminology used for me. Sometimes even Asshole and Bastard too. But I am cold and distant for a reason. It is required for me to be so. For greatness comes with a price. The monster known as Greatness demands to be fed. It demands this sacrifice from me. But the ones whom I care for, don't understand that. I know my sister from america will read this and curse me by saying that I am a spoil brat and that I don't cherish life. But the truth is, I really cherish my life! I enjoy every moment of it! The only difference is that I am very self-centred about it. I don't share my happiness because people don't understand. I have tried several times but my excitement has always been put down because the tags that I have been given. They always want me to be simple and be there for them but the truth is, I can never be. I have tried to be normal and like the cute boy next door but no one sees the life I live and responsibilities that I have to under take and the things that I have to do. I have tried the honesty part, been very clear what will happen if they come close to me. But I guess honesty doesn't work too. Trust me, if I had a choice to have the best of both worlds, at one side I could be and the world loved for it and the other side I would had been the normal guy and didn't have these responsibilities, I would had taken that option in a heart beat. But I guess God likes throwing Irony at me from time to time …

I think a spiritual journey is not so much a journey of discovery. It's a journey of recovery. It's a journey of uncovering your own inner nature. It's already there.

I am right now reading Arnold's Total Recall. More than the fact that I share the same birthday with him, I have been one of his biggest fans! And the more I read about him, the more I am amazed how much we have in common. The only difference is that he had Maria to support him and friends who weren't afraid of him. They all helped him and boosted him to make it big and he was his true self with them. His friends and Maria gave him the freedom to be expressive and free and honest instead of over-assuming every situation and being negative about everything that he said. At times like these, I really do envy Arnold. But hey, I am not complaining. It is good to know what people think of you. How honest they are to you and what their true feelings are. I am admitting today that I have pushed people away from me. I have been one of the few who has been given the chance to be loved by so many but me being me, I have always pushed them away. Of course, they have cursed me and abused me and hated me for that but not even once have they asked why did I do all that. I know myself you see. I have seen how this all plays out. I am a ticking time bomb and I am consumed by my own ambition and this ambition has no place for normalcy or simplicity. It requires a certain amount of giving and the more you walk in this path, the more you realise how lonely this path is. But it is a calling. From the gods themselves that I will always walk this path alone and whomsoever has loved me will eventually be left behind by me. So instead of leading them into the darkness I push them away for their own good. They don't realise this but whatever I have done, I have done for the greater good of their existence. No matter how much I try to explain the calling, they just seem to be never get it and instead of saying "it is ok" they give their own notions of what is right and what is wrong. How do you tell these people that you will always be alone? And all of this is just temporary? That one day, a time will come that I will leave all of them and go to where my greatness takes me! How do I explain to them that I can never get close, that I can never love and that I can never be normal! How do I make them understand ...

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.

I recently read Punisher: Born for the 50th time and trust me, how many a times I read it, it just keeps getting better and better. I remember there was a time when all My bros and sis and friends were addicted to the Punisher comic books as much as me and it was a beautiful site to see all of them reading different volumes of the Punisher Max Series but that is a far off memory now. Now people think that I am still a kid who reads comic books. They don't want to even for a moment sit and think how important they have been for me. I hope one day, the world sees how great The Punisher truly is and how important he has been for carving me into the man that I am today. If you ever get a chance to read the Punisher comic books you will get a very clear idea as to what kind of a guy I am. Of course, I don't kill the evil of this world but I surely think the way Frank does. I am not going to write the synopsis of the Punisher books now but I am surely going to write a line out of the Born edition of it. "Hey, Frank. Congrats! You gave your War a stay of execution." Those lines have been rounding my head since the last time I read the book. A man, so much in love with war that he finally gives in to pay the ultimate sacrifice for it. In this journey of mine I have understood that in the end, we all walk our own paths alone and the sooner we realise that, the sooner the better for all of us. 

I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything.

The road so far has been a blessing for me because I have learnt so much from it. I know this journey of learning and knowledge will never end and to be honest, I am hungry to learn more. I have realised many a things. I now know the difference between love and hate. The way I love my family, I know in the same opposite way I have hated the ones who hate me too. I know that I can't please the entire world and that is why instead of fearing things I just become numb, the way I am now on the verge of Rocky's release. I still hate people. Some of them I have worked with. Some of them who have done or said things to me. Trust me, there is a side of me which only wants them to suffer and see them burn but at the same time, I have also realised that I can't burn for them for I will only harm myself. I have learnt to mind my own business and stay away from gossip. I have come to terms with where I am today and instead of cursing that, I am looking ways to improve myself. I have become more calm but at the same time I know what my priorities are. I have learnt that being truthful and honest is more better than to lie and remember, no matter if people don't wanna accept that or understand me. I have realised that no matter how much people say they are there for you, they actually want you to be there for them. I can go and on and on but the more I see the truth, the more it gets crazier. 

The spiritual path - is simply the journey of living our lives. Everyone is on a spiritual path; most people just don't know it.

I don't know what is stored in front of me. I actually have no clue. But all I can is thank you to the universe above for giving me this path. Yes, this path demands sacrifice. It demands the very essence of my soul and I know one day it will call for me. That day, I will leave everyone behind and walk into the oblivion. I know no one will understand this. The sacrifices I had to make. The pain that I had to endure by the ones who never understood and by the ones who have failed to understand. I don't mind being the bad guy for the entire world. If that is the price then so be it. But I know I won't stop. Only a few men in history have had the courage to let go of the ones they once loved to find the things they were destined to achieve. I know I am one of them. Before I go, all I want to say is that life is wonderful because it shows us the true colours of the ones who are closest to you. It is up to us to make the hardest decisions of our lives for the greater good of others. I hope someday, long after I am gone, I will be remembered for that. But until, I walk on. I walk this path alone.

We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and this had been The Road So Far …

With All My Might,

Your No:1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

P.S. Fate Is Beautiful.


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