Sunday, 9 June 2013

The Road To Redemption ...

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.
-Tennessee Williams

Fate. It is attached to all of us and I have come to realise that we all are meant to do what we are meant to do. Right now, sitting in the flight en route back to mumbai from jaipur, I again ask myself the questions. You know, those un answered questions which creep in my thoughts. Questions that seek answers. Questions that need to know the truth. And so I ask myself again with the hope that my questions will be answered by the almighty universe. But before I venture ahead with questions and thoughts that are worthy of denial, I must say and confess a few things. I am not the blogger I used to be. And that saddens me. I still love blogging but now, I don't know why, I blog very less. I hope this changes in the days to come and I go back to my weekly blogging. Blogging, just like writing in a journal has always been very therapeutic for me and I pray that I keep on doing it for the rest of my life. Irrespective whether my blogs get an audience or not.  I am promoting Enemmy as much as I can and I pray everyday that the people find Enemmy worthy to go and watch it in the theatres on the 21st of june. I was growing my hair for a 'trial run' but I recently again cut it short because Short Hair spikes up my confidence a thousand folds! My Parents, being the blessings that they are have appointed a new trainer for me. He is a rock star and extremely dedicated and pushing me above the plateau I was in for a while when it came to My Training and Dieting. And as I mentioned a few lines earlier, I am right now going back to mumbai from jaipur. Well, I wasn't in jaipur for filming or for a holiday. Me and My Family had gone to the Ajmer Darga to receive blessings for health, happiness, prosperity and Enemmy. And when I was there, I was prepared to ask and plead for the same but something in me told me to ask for something else. And so I did. Want to know what that is? Well bloggers, I asked for Forgiveness. And I pleaded that one day, I want to find my Redemption …

The idea of redemption is always good news, even if it 
means sacrifice or some difficult times.
If you look up the word Redemption in the dictionary, the meaning would be 'Deliverance From Sin'. Sin. God, I know how many of those I have done. And to this day, those sins haunt me. They remind me of the monster that I was and send shivers down my spine when they make me realise that I am still very much that same monster. But something in me has changed. I know it has. Call it my insecurity or my fear, whether it is related to my career or myself, I know I have taken steps to change and to be a better person. But no good deed goes un punished and I know that I have to face trail for the sins I have done. Everything in life comes with a price and for a guy like me, who has only made deals with the devil, looking up to god for forgiveness wouldn't be an easy task. But still here I am, confessing to god in my own weird way for his forgiveness and a chance to be a better man. In the years that lay ahead of me, I don't want to be a better person than my peers or my mentors, I just want to be the best version of myself. And I hope and pray that I have the strength to do that. This Road to Redemption of mine has been more like going to rehab. And as every addict out there who wants a second chance to a better life, I am trying to fight my inner demons and trying to kill them one by one. I love a fight but to be honest, I never thought I am going to go against the very things who made me the way I am! And my demons are stubborn! They just don't quit! Well, I won't blame them. They were made that way. It is not the demons in my mind that are the problem, it is the people that I face who are my greatest challenge. At times like these, I only remember the words from The Godfather Part 3. "Just when I was about to go out, they pulled me right back in!"

Redemption just means you just make a change in your 
life and you try to do right, versus what you were doing, 
which was wrong.
-Ice T 
In my life's journey, my biggest challenge has always been people. Whether it was to impress them or make them like me or get their approval, I was, at one point of time completely convinced that my life can only go ahead if I am approved by the people. of course, my career surely demands that but until a while ago, I thought that my entire life required that! And so, in that journey, I had lost myself. I don't know where I was headed and before you know it, I was a changed man. We human beings have this notion that one day we can become invincible. It is Hard for me to agree to this but I thought the same once too. And in this false notion I started doing things without thinking of the after math. But today I know, every choice has an affect. Good or bad, the choice will always bear fruit and one day, the bubble will burst. But when I realised all of this, I know it was too late. There was nothing that I could had done to fix the damage that I had done. All my haters and the people I have wronged will surely be spitting on my face right now and to be honest, they have all the right to do so. But believe it or not, this isn't an act. This is a sincere apology. An apology from the bottom of my heart to the ones I have wronged. I know I can't change the hurt I have caused but I promise you that I will never do it again to anyone else. My conscious screams at me now. Telling me to man the fuck up and write this blog leaving my pride and ego aside and truly ask for forgiveness from the people I have wronged and also from god. I just hope in this journey of mine I am truly forgiven because more than the wealth and happiness that god blesses us with, I need his forgiveness. At least until I meet him at my time of passing.

The fact is there is forgiveness for those who seek God. 
And I believe in the power of redemption.
At times like these I only remember the episodes from the hit tv show Angel. I have mentioned Angel before but I have to talk about him again. In mostly all the episodes he is confronted my monsters who lurk in the darkness but more than the monsters he faces on the streets, he faces his true demons within. And he is always on the quest for redemption and he believes that one day, his soul will become pure again. That one day, he will be forgiven. I know that forgiveness doesn't come easy. It doesn't come by holding your hands and crying to the almighty for forgiveness, It comes by doing what one has never down before. It comes by doing the Good. Yes, the Good. I know that word and me don't go hand to hand but under these circumstances the Good is the only thing that is keeping me going. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that there is still some good left in me and now, I want to concentrate all of my energies to flourish this powerful good. I want to be a better person and right now, even though I may not change the world I know I can start by being a better person for the people who still love me. In today's world, there is a lot scarcity of love. So I am not going to be stupid and ruin what love I have left in me to give to the ones who have loved me unconditionally even when I was more of a monster than a normal human being. They deserve only my love now and even when the world throws hate at me and reminds me of my past mistakes, I want to only give love in return. For I know now, that more than hate, it is love that will triumph in the end. And the more I become a better person, the sooner god will take notice of my actions and grant me my forgiveness. 

I guess darkness serves a purpose: to show us that 
there is redemption through chaos. I believe in that. I 
think that's the basis of Greek mythology.
As I mentioned before, I know I fucked up and I know that no matter what I do, I can't change what I have done. But I also do know that the future is still a vast landscape and it is in my hands to choose the right choices. Before my conscious was asleep. But now, it has awakened and it gives me the strength to come face to face with my own horrors. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. And I read somewhere that in order to be a good person, all we have to do is give love and happiness, even if it is one soul at a time. And now, on the verge of Enemmy's release that is exactly what I am trying to do. Once again, to all those that I have wronged I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I have done and I hope that in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive me. I know pain only gives hate but if we can hate, we can love too. And I hope one day that happens. I know that I have embarked on a very long journey but all great journeys begin with a single step. I want to change. I want to be a good person and I want to find my redemption. This is a public forum and that is why I am not mentioning the names of the people who have been associated with me. You can call me a coward or whatever name you would like to give me but believe it or not, I have always had sheer respect for all of you. I hope one day, in this life or the next, I am forgiven. And if this journey requires me to walk alone, then so be it. For I know that this is fate's undertaking. I don't know what lies in front of me. All I know that I have the power to choose even though freedom sometimes only feels like an illusion. That topic is for some other day. Going to ajmer was surely an eye opener to me. They say he calls you to him. And once you go there, if you ask something with all the purity of your heart, it will come true. I just hope that I have that purity left in me.

Life is full of constant ups and downs, and all I ask for is 
redemption in the end.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This is My Road To Redemption. I Just Hope I Find It.

With All My Might,

Your No:1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

P.S. God, I Hope You Are Listening.

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