Tuesday, 20 August 2013

The Lone Wolf ...

"One Day When They Will Ask Me, 'What Was The Most Incredible And Scariest Moment Of Your Life?' I Will Tell Them, That It Was The Day When I Knew What My Fate Had In Stored For Me."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

So finally the time has come. The time when I dedicate a Blog to the title of 'The Lone Wolf'. This was a long time coming but I guess all happens when it is meant to happen. And I guess the time has finally come. In this blog I officially state my current state of being. Or should I say, how I was always meant to be. I remember, like it was yesterday, I went to mom just to express my feelings of troubled thoughts. It was the year 2006 and I was Filming for Jimmy. And I told Mom that I don't feel anything. That I am scared I will always be alone. Even though Mom was very disturbed to hear what I had to say, she also told me that this is just a phase and in time it will fade away. I believed her because she is my mom and she definitely has had more experience of life than me, so I let the thought slide and tried to forget about it. Now, nearly 7 years later, that thought is still with me. And it grows more stronger than ever. Those voices in my head, that inner voice of the soul, telling me only one thing, only, one, thing. That I will always and forever be The Lone Wolf. Before these thoughts used to sadden me and cast a shadow of fear over me. But now, after life's experiences, I can tell you that is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am truly honoured to be The Lone Wolf. And now, you will know why ...

"A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode."

I have tried. I have really tried. Over and over again. Whether it was to mingle or socialise or to make friends or even fall in love. I have tried them all and every time I have failed. Before I didn't know why. Before I always blamed the other person. I tried to find their flaws and made sure that they thought that they were guilty but as time passed as this became a repeated cycle I figured out that it wasn't them but it was 'I' who was the problem. I have been blessed enough to receive love from many but for some reason I couldn't love them back. I mean, even though I was with them, talking and laughing and making beautiful memories, I always felt an itch on my back. Like there was always something missing. Like there was more. But somehow I couldn't find it. And slowly, that strong bond of connectivity used to collapse and all those whom I loved went away because I pushed them away for I felt no connection with them. I mean, how fucked up is that?!?! Man is supposed to be a social animal! I guess God wasn't paying attention when he was creating me. {Lol} But seriously, I sometimes even wonder which stick is up my ass that this happens to me every time! Over and over again. It is not like I haven't tried to feel you know. Even right now, when I am writing this blog to you, I swear, I feel no connection with my emotions. At least with the emotions which make a man normal. Emotions like Friendship or Love. Yes, I know. I am no Machine. I do feel something though. You may think it is my anger that I still feel. No. I have put my anger to rest. I now feel a fire within me. And I guess, throughout history, only few have felt this fire. This fire only the few, privileged were chosen to feel. Only The Lone Wolves ...
"I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."
Today, I did a Chest Workout followed by a 30mins Run at the speed of 10kms an hour 'cause running non-stop at that speed makes me reach 5kms in under 30mins. My coach now Workouts me and it is truly an honour to train with him. I think day by day I am coming closer to his high standards of training and fitness. But no, I am not telling you all of this so that I can show how great I am becoming. No. As mentioned earlier in my previous blogs, I am just a peanut compared to the gym freaks out there. I am writing all of this to explain the fire within me to you. For the last 2 days, I was resting. My body needed the rest and maybe it took an extra 24 hours to heal. And when I was all by myself on Sunday and on Monday, I somehow felt very good to be alone. I can't explain. I guess, that has always been my problem. I just couldn't ever put it in words how much I have loved my loneliness. My 'Me Time'. The time when I have no worry of the world and when I am all by myself. I try to have these 'Me Times' whenever possible and trust me, they are very rejuvenating. So after resting for 48 hours I finally returned to the gym. And before my 1st rep, I had like a billion thoughts in my head. "Should I message him? Should I tell her how I feel? Man, that girl in the treadmill is cute. Will it rain today? Will I be able to push to my max today?" And so on. But the moment I finished My 1st Rep and felt the blood flowing in My Pectoral Muscles I felt Alive! And I screamed,"Yeah! That's what I am talking about!" Oh man! I can't explain to you how good that felt. And then I did the 2nd set and after that I felt like I was Juggernaut from X-Men and then after every set, I yelled, "I am The Juggernaut Bitch!" Trust me guys, it felt like a jolt of electricity running through me! Like a kick you feel when you are high on caffeine or when you just had sex! I felt that when I was working out and then all those wasteful thoughts vanished and I was focused! Completely focused in "Claiming The Weights" and by the end of the workout I knew I did my best and made my coach proud! And that is when I knew why I didn't feel a thing for others was because I was put in god's green earth not to make friends or fall in love but to become the best version of myself. Not to be a social animal. But to be The Lone Wolf. A Beast in His Purest form. But the story doesn't end here. For every beast needs his feeding and sometimes the beast wants more than your blood, sweat and tears ... sometimes the beast even wants your soul ....
"Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying."
-Martin Luther 

As I mentioned to you that I now have a new trainer as he has been a blessing to me. I finally have found the right guy who knows exactly how to train me and the results and changes I am seeing are beyond my very own imagination! And training with my coach has in a way made the fire within me burn bright again! After years I feel so focused and so motivated and somehow even though my body goes through hell, it wants more and more and more! Coach recently told me to resume my Mma Classes for more strenuous Cardio and Core Conditioning and nothing made me more happier than that. But what I witnessed once I went back was more of a horror to me than rejoice. People and I mean a group of ladies in particular have now 'taken over' the Mma Class and they laugh and giggle more than they train. Even though their every comment of 'Making The Class Easier' ticks me off I still manage to do my training as hard as I can and leave. But even after 3 hours in the Gym and 90mins in my Mma Class I feel I can do more. Like a hunger inside of me which doesn't go. Those voices in my head telling me, "We want more! Feed us more!" And the inner voice from my soul telling me the same thing but in a different way. "You want more, don't you? You want a real fight. Don't you? A Fight That Never Ends!" And I know that no matter how many 'whatsapp' messages I exchange with the world or how many pics I upload on 'Instagram' those voices will always want more 'cause they don't want the ordinary. They want the elite. They want more from me. Like a calling. They want to feel alive. And that feeling of being alive will only come when I will sacrifice my everything to my cause. When I will choose to be alone. When I will tell myself that this is who I am. My voices don't scare me anymore. They make me stronger. They free me. They meet me in the darkness. "Cause they say in the darkness, we are pure. In the darkness we shed our skins and the monsters come out to play. My voices want me to The Lone Wolf because that is the only way I will feel complete again. That is the only way I will ever feel alive again ...
"The only real progress lies in learning to be wrong all alone."

So there you have it, my confession of why I am The Lone Wolf and why I will always choose to be alone. I guess this is the way I am. i guess I belong out there you know. In the Wilderness. I guess I am one with the monsters. The monsters who eat souls. I love to fight. And I will go wherever the fight will take me. Like that grumbling feeling in your stomach. Like that flickering of the eye. Like that constant motion known as life, I know who I am now. And no matter how many people I meet in this journey of mine, I will never let them tag along with me. I know I will always push them away, 'cause I am not looking for friendship or love or lust or the junks and perks, I am looking for a Fight. A Fight that will never end. A Fight that will make me bleed. A Fight that will break my bones and take my breath away. A fight that will finally make me the warrior that I believe I am. The reason I have put up a Ufc Gym pic is because it is one of my Dreams to go to Los Angeles and train for 3 Months in the Ufc Gym where I will meet like-minded warriors such as me. Where I will train for more than 6 hours a day. Where I will be with myself and the thoughts which need feeding. To those who love me, I am sorry that I am this way but I guess this is who I always was and who I will always be. And for those who have always hated me, hate me as much as you want 'cause I am not doing this to beat you or bring you down. I am walking this path because I was meant too and maybe just maybe, someday I will find another Lone Wolf just like me and I will sit and hear his story too like the way you all are reading mine.
This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakaraborty And I Am The Lone Wolf.
With All My Might,
Your No.1 Fan,
Mahaakshay Chakraborty.
"Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone."



  1. It is very true... one must spend some time alone.. It helps in rejuvenation and and move forward with a great strength....

  2. Nobody is ever alone..it is just an illusion that you are alone. YOu do have feelings and emotions, you think you don't have many..but I can feel them through reading this blog...at one point in my life I felt the same way, but many years later, I have found myself..This is not who you think you are..I think you should take some time to connect with 'yourself', go within...you will be surprised at what you discover :) you can connect with me via twitter: soniyamystical (https://twitter.com/SONIYAMYSTICAL)

  3. you can also email me: soniyamystical@gmail.com..would be nice to communicate with you.

  4. Hi, I read your blog and I must say that your not a lone Woolf

  5. I know within we all feel that we are alone and that we want some me time to just be alone as no one understands us. People don't let you down, our own thoughts do. You have created these notions in your own head. People that love you will be around and still love you. But closing your door to them or pushing them away is just your defence mechanism. It's because you feel safest here as no one to be answerable to or hurt you even for the smallest things. But you feel most. You are feeling through out your blog and I feel you should spend more time with those that love you and let them in. Don't let negativity or the thoughts of past hardship make life just a fight. These are only your thoughts and this is the notion your giving energy to. Give your relationships energy instead. Be with your family, love and friends. You deserve it and so does everyone. For when the fight ends who do you go home to! Even in heaven or hell you need partners. We were created to be united and to be. I feel your thoughts are derived from maybe past circumstances of hardship, failure or setbacks that have made you think darkness is light. It's difficult to feel the way you do. But if you really are the lone Woolf and this is what you want. Imagine yourself in a box caged. Just you and no family and no one to help you or be with you or talk to you or see. You would eventually go crazy and maybe even develop a shadow, alternate ego or split personality. You need medial help. Please be closer to your loved ones or the ones that love you. Open your heart and let the anger go. Nothing's perfect or the way we imagined it. We just have to make the best of it. Looking forward to see you in UFC gyms for I have trained there. Unless your on the ring your not going to bleed and see blackouts. Perhaps you want to be a fighter and not a actor. But regardless we all have families and love. I suggest speaking to your mom again and your family and friends. You need to uplift your thought connect within and believe that you feel that love and happiness. No one is alone not even in jails.

    1. Spending time with oneself doesn't mean that you don't feel...its just a way to motivate oneself...

  6. The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. Free them.