The Wanderer ...

"A Wanderer Always Seeks. And the World Is His Playground. In Order To Find The Answers This Wanderer Seeks. And He Must Embark On A Journey. A Journey Far Away From Love, Friendship And Family."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Mahaakshay's Journal. I guess I call it my journal for a reason. It is a vent to how I feel. Before it was all about the world knowing me more better but now it is just me writing my story. I have been told many a times to take a chill pill. To go out and enjoy and even not be self-centred in my entries. I am sorry if I haven't been up to the expectations of my readers, if there are any. And yes, I watch the news everyday. In fact, every morning, that is the first thing I do. I keep tabs on the world. But right now, I know I don't have the power to change anything. Just the hope that things will automatically become better in this beautiful planet we live in. I won't be posting this blog anywhere except the one tweet on twitter I do every time I finish one of these entries. So let's see if my words do echo through each of you. For the record I am not being negative and nor am I sad. Recent revelations in my life have suddenly made me realise more things about myself that I didn't know before. So ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Today I tell you why I declare myself as The Wanderer …

"I am a wanderer passionately in love with life."

-Aleksandr Kuprin

I have done many a things in my life. And to what I recall, most of them have been terrible things. Things which have only caused pain to others. I sometimes do feel that I have cleaned up my act and the past is way behind me but somehow it always creeps ups to me and reminds me of the horrors that I have done. And maybe that is why I am still being Punished. It has been more than 8 years and I am still waiting. Waiting for the light to shine on me. But as I told you earlier, those recent revelations have made me realise that this is all my doing and no one is to blame but me. I am the carrier of my own sins. I am the cause for my own misery and fate will make sure to remind me everyday that all that I have done is let the ones who have loved me down. I have failed them and no matter what I do, I have to always carry this burden with me. This weight on my shoulders. This curse. This living nightmare. So … what does a man like me do? Does he break down or does he accept his short-comings? I think I have somehow accepted my fate, that no matter what I do, the hollowness within me will never fill up. It doesn't matter if I go to pattaya with the boys for 5 days or I go to special gatherings or parties. Somehow, when I look in the mirror, I still see the monster I once was. And that monster laughs at me, taunts me and makes me realise that is he still winning. But now, where I am today in life, I have come to understand that people like me can only do one thing. Rather people like me only have one choice. We start Wandering. We wander and become wanderers not to heal our wounds but to find the answers. Answers only fate can answer us.

"The lonely wanderer, who watches by the seashore the waves that roll between him and his home, talks of cruel facts, material barriers that, just because they are material, and not ideal, shall be the irresistible foes of his longing heart."

-Josiah Royce

I was watching UFC 167 the other day and before the GSP Vs Hendricks main event they were showing the preview for UFC 168 which will be Chris Weidman Vs Anderson Silva Part II. During those clips, I see a shot of Chris Weidman, entering the octagon. That shot came and went within a second but it struck me. It struck me hard 'cause I saw his eyes! I saw the passion and hunger he had to be the 1st guy in years to beat the great Anderson Silva and that is what he exactly did! He beat the champ! But do you know why that sight still comes as flashes to me? 'Cause that is the same look I have. And I have it 24/7. When I am taking a dump or making my hair or when I see my reflection. Those eyes … those eyes are full of hunger. And pure anger. And those eyes have pain. A certain blackness and darkness. Those eyes of mine … they show me what I seek. And all I seek now is the way. Not the glory or the rewards or the power. Just the way. The way to my salvation. To the end of my misery. The way that will finally show me the light. The way that will finally set me free. You see, after a point of time, after all the screams and the mood swings and the cries alone in bed, you become quiet. You become quiet 'cause there is nothing left. You are just hollow and even though that may scare the shit out of you, it is who you are and what fate has made you. They say, No One Can Fight Fate. I totally agree with that but I also do believe that if Fate can make me go through this wait it can also show me the way. It isn't like I haven't tried to ask the answers before. Trust me, I have tried. I have tried the normal way. The fit-in way. The living-the-moment and taking-a-chill-pill-way. But all those roads have always brought me back here. And that is why now I pack my bags and go on this journey. A journey of a wanderer which I must embark alone.

"The World Is A Book. And Those Who Do Not Travel, Read Only A Page."

-St. Augutine

Well, when I say that I am packing my bags, I am not leaving on a jet plane to the himalayas or a monastery. Al though one day, I would love to explore the world, this journey which I take as a wanderer is within me. The journey to the very depths of my soul where I know my answers are waiting for me. Now you ask me, how will I make this journey. Well, a man who has been angry all his life first starts there, where his anger lies. So I start fighting. I fight every day and every night. I train and drown myself in the pain and soreness those barbell curls bring. I run like a mad man on the treadmill when the world is deep in sleep. I endure the cuts and bruises which come from a good sparring session. I do all this because it some how sets me free. It sets the anger free and makes me feel I am one step closer to the answers. I cut myself away from the world. I stop sharing my feelings with my loved ones. I program myself to become a machine because I seek. I seek the truth. I seek the answers and a part of me has always been convinced that the only way I will ever be able to see the light, is by accepting the darkness within me. By being alone even though I maybe in a crowd. By letting go of the things that I desire. By cutting of all the strings that make me weak. By drowning myself in my small little world where I am by myself. If you meet me today and if you look closely, you will only see emptiness in me. Emptiness which comes after the thousand of screams and cries which we were left unanswered. Today I am a wanderer because I choose to be this way. And I have told every man and woman who has come close to me that one day I will leave. That one day, fate will call upon me and I will leave, leaving all love, friendship and ties behind. 'Cause the truth is, I belong out there. Out there in the wast lonely road where in every sun set even my shadow leaves me and goes away. I belong to that journey. A journey that will never end. If this scares you, imagine what it does to me …

"Is There Something We Have Forgotten? Some Precious Thing We Have Lost, Wandering In Strange Lands?"

-Arna Bontemps

So if you ask me, this is what I will answer and describe a wanderer to be. A man who has the courage to leave all that means to him behind and embark on a journey which he doesn't know where it will take him. But the wanderer walks. He just keeps on walking. He sees the world as it is. He sees men and women fall in love. He sees the world celebrate festival and rejoice ceremonies. He sees people killing each other for reasons beyond god's will. He sees the moon and the glitter of the stars and brightness of the sun. But he walks, leaving all ties behind. And no matter how much that kills him, he walks. He walks in search for the answers that he seeks. So if any of you are out there, who are just like me, I hope we meet soon. I hope we share our stories. I hope someday your answers are also found, that someday the pain goes away and god finally gives you a second chance. I am a wanderer because I need to fix myself. I need to lighten this burden. I want to be a success, not live life as a failure. I want to laugh and celebrate and enjoy. But I know that until that day comes I will wander. I will search and I will seek. Yes, I know the what this means … the ones who hate me will rejoice and the one who love me will not understand. They will not understand why I fight. Why I want to be free. Why I want this wait to get over. If god is listening, I really hope he finally cuts me some slack. But until that day comes, I will fight. I will pursue my dreams and I will see the monster in the mirror. I will face my fate. I will carry this burden. I will go on in spite of the hate in me. I will make my curse my strength. I will not stop because somewhere out there, beyond the lines of good and bad, beyond the boundaries of fate and destiny, my answers are waiting for me.

"Perhaps If You Look Long Enough, For An Intent Eye, There Maybe A Piece Of A Star Wandering In The Sky."

-Alamgir Hashmi

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am A Wanderer …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

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The Darkest Night ...

"It Is Always Darkest Before Dawn."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

We all fight. And I have realised that we all have too. I know my blogs have mainly only been about fighting but to be honest, that is what I have been doing since the last 8 years. And even right now, I am fighting. A year ago my fight was for vengeance but today I am fighting for hope. For now I know I am facing The Darkest Night. Do you know what the darkest night is? It is the night which decides your future. It decides whether you will fight back or be lost in the darkness. It is the night which is filled with fear and doubt. The night filled with horrors and nightmares. This night has come many a times in the past. It has come the day before The Allied Invasion over Germany during World War II. It has come when the Towers fell. It has come when every kid prepares for his board exams. And in my instance, it has come before the friday when my film is about to release. The Darkest Night is also the longest night of your life for you feel trapped in eternity. You feel all alone and like the walls are closing down on you. When nothing feels right. And your inner demons come out to play. This night is one night I pray no one faces. But this night also comes as a sign. That the hell we are in will end soon. If we somehow survive and fight back, we will see the rays of the sun. We will see the light. We will triumph. The Longest Night is a curse for many but a blessing for only the few …

"When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance."

-Joel Osteen

I am a Leo. So that means a part of me is very proud and won't admit to my defeats. But life is such, it moulds you and makes you the way it wants you to be. I remember when I started preparing to enter into films, my intentions were completely different and now when I think of them, they were very childish. But as time went by my notions and ambitions began to change and before I knew it I became the ego maniacal bastard who only thought of himself. I started hurting others for my selfish motives and in time I became the devil's favourite son. But now, after all the hell and struggle and hardship, I have become humble or at least started to become humble. I somehow still feel that I haven't found my redemption and I am still being Punished for my sins. But that is just one of the many angles I look at my life now. Today, my life is filled with fear and doubt. But even through this despair, I have a will. A will to keep on fighting. To never stop. To fight and fight and fight and never stop fighting. Believe it or not, even the astrologers will say that these are my darkest times but even after knowing that I have this will to fight back. I am a huge believer in fate and I know that everything happens for a reason and maybe that is why I am going through these trials. Trials, which define a man and his legacy. How strong or weak he is. How much he can take the pain and still push further. Maybe that is why I am now Facing This Night. 

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I am not writing this blog for your sympathy. And neither I am in a self-pity mode. I am writing this blog to you to tell you that I am a survivor. I know there are many people out there who are fighting more tougher battles than me. Maybe the skinny kid in school is always getting bullied. Maybe a lady is fighting cancer. Or someone who is facing heart break. I know I can't relate to your pain but trust me folks, I know what pain is. I know what it does to you. I know how it changes you. You feel disconnected. You loose hope. And you stop talking to god because you think he is only punishing you. But now I know that isn't the case. We are his children and we all should have faith. Faith grows when there is no one who believes in you. It grows when you are alone out there running the tracks. It grows when the world laughs at you and you smile back with humility. It grows when all have given up on you but you still believe in yourself. You see faith is a very powerful thing. It makes You stronger. It gives you hope that in the end everything is going to be alright. That no matter whatever hell you are going through, in the end you will be greeted into heaven. Take this from me. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to have fear and doubt and be scared. Even when I face this darkest night, I have faith that this won't last forever. I may cry, I may stumble and I may even fall. But I will get up again and fight for my dreams. I will never quit. Even through this darkest night, I know I will stay undefeated.

"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."

-Helen Keller

I know 8 years is a long time. And a weaker man would had quit. But I know I can't. This night makes me see my demons. This night tells me to hate again. It shows me a reality Im not ready to face. This Night isn't for the ordinary. Only the ones who have greatly sinned and those who will overcome all obstacles can face this night. I face this night every moment. In fact, this night has always been around me like a shadow. Trust me, you don't wanna know the things I have gone through. The lowest level I have fallen or the humiliation I have faced. This night is meant to break you. This night is the last and most toughest degree of punishment god inflicts on man for his sins. I have known many who have packed their bags and left. Who have chosen other paths. Who have settled for the ordinary. Who have redeemed their sins without facing this night. But I know I am not one of them. I know what all I have done. The good and the bad. And I know what all I have to also go through. And at this very moment, I am going through my own trials. I am going through my punishment. I am being branded my god as the one who has done his share of bad but now is here redeeming his soul. It's like feeling a hot metal rod burning through your skin every second. It hurts like hell. But I know this is needed. For I am meant for greater things and to reach greater heights I have to go through this hell. I have to face The Darkest Night.

"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe."

-Voltaire

So my friends, this is me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. I am just a regular joe, just like you. I feel the same pain you feel. I face my demons and fight my battles, just like you and one day when I overcome all of this and look back, I know I will see you all in my journey also. I will thank you all for somehow, some way, you have believed in me. And when I meet you, I will look into your eyes and I will see the struggles you have been through to come this far. All the humiliation, all the hardships, all the losses, all the despairs, I will see them all and just smile because you and me both will know, that we made it. We survived. We survived the darkest night. We overcome all the odds and believed. Even when no one believed in us, we believed in ourselves and fought for our dreams. We sacrificed. We resisted and we didn't give in. In the end, that is all that matters 'cause pain only makes you stronger. Even right now, when I feel there is no Hope in my life, I have My Faith. And I have a lot of fight left in me. And I am still a believer that in the end, everything is going to be alright. I know one day this wait will end. And I will be ready for my opportunities. I will be ready to face the world. One day I know I will be loved by billions. And until that day comes, I know I will never stop fighting. Even when my body breaks, I will go to the gym, I will push my limits and cross through barriers that before were seen as impossibilities. I will survive this darkest night. I will survive this hell. And one day I will enter the light. One day I will finally be forgiven by god. One day I will make my parents proud. One day I will stand tall as the man who never gave up. So my friends, have faith and believe that it is only darkest before dawn. I promise you, very soon that dawn will come. Very soon your life will be filled happiness. Very soon, you will see the light. Fight back my friends. Never quit. It is at times like these when our faith is truly tested. Never settle for the ordinary. History has been written by men and women who endured hardships. By people who survived The Darkest Night. So believe in yourselves … As I will always believe in you. 

"This Blog Is Dedicated To All Those Brave Warriors Out There Fighting The Fight. I Salute You And Something Tells Me We Shall Meet Very Soon." :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am Now Surviving The Darkest Night. I Hope You Do Too.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"God will never give you anything you can't handle, so don't stress."

-Kelly Clarkson

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