The Mini Blogs ...

Entry No:7 …

08:08am …

On The Sets …

Pattaya, Thailand.

I am again the 1^st on the sets. I arrived, even before the unit did. I am getting good at this. I know I am not supposed to come this early but I still do. I respect time a lot and in our business, Time is Money. All the others come according to their own requirement. No one tells them anything. I just look at the abusive use of power and wait. Wait that even one day I will earn this power but I will not use it for the wrong doings. I hope I don’t. power has corrupted one and all. I just hope I am the exception.

Yesterday was Saturday night. The entire pattaya was awake and partying. Even some of the unit members were, that is what I heard. Everyone is asking Me what I did. I said I stayed in the room. I needed the rest so took advantage of the half day off. To be honest I wanted to go out last night. I had multiple choices. The famous Go-Kart area. Or a fancy restaurant or even the Russian strip club. But I didn’t go any where. Well, My body couldn’t move either. There are times when one’s mortality are questioned. I face those questions here everyday. But I avoid temptation and I wait. I wait in patience.

I know coming on the sets before time and being extra disciplined will not give Me extra brownie points. But I still do these things because I know how much My work means to Me. My Dad always reminds Me not to do the same mistakes that I did in Jimmy and tells Me, “Don’t screw it up.” I have many people to answer and many people’s dreams and hopes are riding along with Mine’s. I do the things I do for a reason even if that means being called Boring, Childish or The Odd One Out …

End Of Entry No:7 …

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Entry No:6 …

06:34am …

Getting Ready For The Shoot …

Pattaya, Thailand.

In an hour I will be on My way to the location. I am all set for the day. Looking forward to it. Even though I am deeply tanned I love being at My place of work. I hardly sit on the sets and people ask Me why. I tell them that you have no idea how much My work means to Me and I love every moment here. So I would love to stand and get tired Working than to be at Home doing nothing. It is an unusual feeling. I don’t know how many out there may relate to it.

It is strange how time changes everything. It even changes people. People, whom you thought were your friends now make fun of you. Friends you thought who understand tell you that you have become repetitive. It hurts to actually see these changes in the ones you love but today I am glad that I see their true faces. All happens for a reason. I have always believed in that.

There are ways I deal with these changes but yesterday after 45mins in the Treadmill I thought of taking My Staff out for dinner. I treated them with a fabulous meal and then we all saw The Expendables 2. The movie was amazing and I was very happy with the evening because to see these 3 guys happily enjoying their meals and clicking pics made Me really very happy. That happiness made Me realize that I still do have people I can count on. People I can still call My Family … J

End Of Entry No:6 …

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Entry No:5 …

On The Way To The Location …

07:46am …

Pattaya, Thailand.

Last night was fun. I went out with the boys and we bonded and laughed and had a great time. I really needed that. Sometimes it’s good to hang around with only boys and talk about things you are too scared to say in public. I am feeling refreshed and more than that, I know that we all actors have become friends and more brotherly towards each other after our heart to heart conversations last night. But I let go of Myself a little out of My norms which making Me feel guilty. Guilt … is it a sin or a reminder of what you are about to loose?

I have felt guilt before and even though I may hate Myself at that point of time, My guilt has always managed to make Me a better person and much more aware of the things that I wan to achieve in this life. I know that even a hard-ass like Me is a human and sometimes, I do get carried away too. But thanks to My guilt, I always see the bigger picture. Guilt puts the fear of god in Me and makes Me remind of the nightmares I have been through. It reminds Me of where I am coming from and where I will end up if I don’t make things right.

If it is meant to be then it is up to Me. I realized that a very long time ago. So here I am again, fixing what I broke. I mean I want too! I have so much on the line. Too many dreams at stake. Too many miles to cross. Too many things to do before I die. Too many things to do before I die …

End Of Entry No:5 …

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Entry No:4 …

07:27am …

On The Sets …

Pattaya, Thailand.

I am again ahead of time. The unit also hasn’t come yet. I was told to come by 07:30am, I reached here by 07:20am. I love being the 1^st guy on the set. I think My love for Movies is what brings Me here everyday before everyone else. Disciplines is very important in our chosen field because here time is money. I think I am have at least another 60mins or so before we take the 1^st shot and another 2-3 hours before the heat will start to affect us. One of My closet’s friends yesterday commented on My blog and thrashed. She said I am getting very repitive with the whole darkness thing and now she finds My blogs boring. She told Me to ‘Live A Little’ and ‘Smell The Aroma Of The Coffee’. Reading those words really hit Me hard. I mean come on! It was one of My friends saying this! Of course I would feel bad. But there is no point in over-thinking. What is done is done.

We packed up early yesterday so I got the chance to Workout, Shop, Watch A Movie and Have Dinner all by Myself! I don’t know but I love to go out all by Myself. There is a certain freedom to that you know. I could had taken My staff with Me like the other day when I treated them for a Foot Massage but whenever I get these opportunities, I love spending time with Myself and doing things I always wanted too. Sure I am connected to the world through twitter, bbm and text messages but when I am out all by Myself, I feel a certain happiness no friend or woman can fill. I know I am screwed up but I am this way. I think I always was. Sometimes being screwed up is the only ‘normal’ thing in you. The more I do these things, the more I come closer in knowing My true self. I don’t know if I ever will figure Myself out but I guess I can’t stop now, can I?

End Of Entry No:4 …

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Entry No:3 …

21:30hrs …

Pattaya, Thailand.

The food was supposed to come by 09:oopm now it is 09:30pm. I am starving. I seriously am. Although my dinner is only 2 portions of Fish Tikka, every bite of that feels like heaven for me. The caterers are taking their own sweet time in delivering me the food but the wait is killing me. Ask a man who diets how much food is important for him and he will dedicate essays to it! It is ok, I will wait. I mean, I have no other choice, do I? This city is a tourist spot and there are restaurants and bars in every corner. The moment you step outside you can only smell food and sex in the air. It is like walking into the garden of Eden. But still I make my way to the massage parlor. Those 60mins of foot massage therapy were much needed. My body cried for it. I know I am putting it through hell. I am punishing it. My skin is tanned because of the blazing heat, my feet ache because of all the strenuous work and I forgot the last time I slept properly. Even though I will be diagnosed as “Rest Required” I still push on. I know I will. And I will never stop …

I type these words and hear Age Of Rage in the back ground. Something about that song ignites me. Makes me realize I still have a lot of fight left in me and even though temptation tempts me I stand tall. Whether it is the women here, or the smell of the food or even the huge malls, I still make my way to the gym. I know I have to these workouts because I fear the guilt aftermaths. The aftermaths which lead to fear and fear which lead to insecurity. It is never ending cycle. I have to do things in order to succeed. I have to fight the pain my body goes through. But the thing that scares me the most is that I don’t want this pain to stop. It is a part of me now. I need pain because for me pain is progress. Every time I hear a muscle ache in pain, every morning when I force my eyes to open, every moment when I feel my senses depleting their powers I feel good for pain is temporary, pride is forever. I need to sleep now, tomorrow is another day. Another day in this un-ending, savage, brutal war I am fighting. A War that I can’t do without …

End Of Entry No:3 …

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Entry No.2 …

On The Sets,

Pattaya, Thailand.

The call time was 08:30am. I reached by 08:25am. The unit is still unloading it’s equipment from the vans. It will at least take another 60mins or so for the 1^st shot. I don’t mind the wait. I have waited far too long to be on a movie set and I would rather be early than be late. This place is from where I get my bread and butter from. This is the place where all my madness finally makes some sense. Yesterday after pack up I went for shopping, bowling and I even saw a film. I didn’t take anyone along. I wanted my ‘Me’ time. And trust me, I loved every moment of it! It was bliss! I was about to cry with happiness but what I did was Thanked the Universe for this feeling. It deserves it’s due. My staff wanted to come along. I said no, I want this moment for myself. What does that make me? A loner?

I don’t know. Why do I ask so many questions? Why do I over-think? Do I over-think? I really don’t know. I just type what I feel. Why am I writing these blogs? Is it because I want to be heard or am I so much in need of attention? My co-stars are gems. They are very down-to-earth and treat as one of their own. Then why don’t I get closer to them? What is keeping back? Have I really become so used to my loneliness that I have no need for anyone else? I think I am a hypocrite. On one hand I say I don’t want anyone and on the other hand I am writing these blogs for the whole world to read! I am screwed up. I was a broken piece of glass since day one. Only when I wanted to put myself together back again did I realize how broken I am.

There is a beautiful cat here but the owner of this place has tied her up to a pole. Maybe she must be notorious. But why do I see myself in her? Is she calling out to me? Do I also wanna be set free? What is it? I don’t know. But I sense it. That tingling feeling in my gut. That monster inside of me calling out, screaming out the same words it has for the last 13 years. “Set Me free! Set Me free!”. I still keep it contained. I am selfish. The monster within me harnesses a power. A power I use to go ahead. I am scared to let the monster loose. I know what it can do but I am more scared of the fact that he won’t need me anymore and I will be left without his power. I guess I am damaged goods after all …

End Of Entry No.2 …

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Part:1 …

Kaboom! What an inspiration that book is! Makes Me wanna blog more. It gives me the power to express and make the world listen to me. It is lunch time on the sets and everyone is having their food. I am all by myself having my chicken tikka and diet coke. The same I had yesterday and the day before that. The tongue has forgotten what food tastes like. I feel I have lost my sense of taste. I hear these men, married and single and the ones who have kids, telling their stories from the night before. Laughing and giggling and making themselves gods in their own tales. It never gets old. This feeling of power. They pay for sex and feel their own the bodies of these women. It is a tenacious cycle and I know it won’t stop. Should I do something about it? Should I get up and start a movement or just stay quiet? I don’t know what to do. I am lost in these thoughts but yet, in the same moment, I am know where I am and what I need to do.

I come on the sets on time in fact, before time and wait to be called for the shot. Some have given the liberty to come late because of their hangovers. I on the other hand don’t wanna go there. Use that get-out-of-jail-free-card and abuse my power. I haven’t reached that stage in my life. To be honest I never want too. That place is filled with scum and men who forgot their origins. I am a man who is filled with a certain darkness of his own but I know that there are some lines even I can’t cross. I wait to be on a movie set. It is my mecca. It is my temple and every breath here feels like gold. I never want this to end. I wanna die with my make up on. The world may not understand my hunger. In fact, I think they never will. But I still want them too. I don’t know why. I think I am a fool thinking that I will win this war. That one man can actually win over 7 billion! But I still fight on. I guess I am crazy.

I see people updating their bbm statuses. Putting up new pics of their boyfriends and girlfriends. Of their achievements and heart breaks. I used to care. I used to notice. But not anymore. I don’t care and maybe I just don’t want too. Is it because I am doing the one thing I was born to do? Am I really that selfish that I don’t give a damn anymore? I think I don’t even care about that. I am happy being here. Even here, I am the out cast. I was always the out cast. I don’t drink, smoke or get high and neither do I party. So how do I fit in? I can’t. So I move away. They laugh at me when I turn my back. They think I am still a kid. They don’t see beyond the make-up. They don’t see the emptiness in my eyes the years of struggle have taken away from me. They won’t understand. They are too busy living the life according to their opinions. While I am just the out cast. A name, they thought is best for Me. A name which now has began to define Me …

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