The Somewhat Honest Confessions, Before The End Of The World …

The Day of Days. I mean literally, the Day of Days. The day, the Mayans predicted centuries ago, that the world will come to an end. Many have different interpretations of it. Some think that an asteroid will crash on earth, some think our planet will change it's axis and some also think it will be the beginning of World War III. I, on the other hand, am divided by two sides. one who doesn't care because He is strong enough not to think about it and a part of Me, is scared shitless! But what if the world doesn't end on the 21st? What if with the other 7 billion people I actually survive D-Day? There are many thoughts that run through My mind. But there is one apt thought which lingers in the sub-conscious. That one thought which doesn't let go like a leech. No matter how much you have tried to eradicate those words and that one question out of your very existence, it hangs on like a cob of webs. And that question is, Did I actually live My life to the fullest? Well, My readers, you are about to find that out …

I have been writing My blogs for a very long time now and I guess you all must have had a slight preview of the Man that I am. But even today, till this very moment I am figuring Myself out. I am still exploring the realm of My senses and trying to understand whatever is left of My soul. I recently finished reading No Easy Day by Mark Owen and that book somewhat changed Me and My perspective towards Life. Those, brave men, the Us Navy Seals, who risk their life for the country and who don't even want the recognition for it made Me realise that they are much more important things in life than gossiping, bitching and bad-mouthing. That life is of a much greater purpose. That we, as individuals, should endure what comes our way than running away from it. After reading the last page of that book, I knew that I won't be the same again. And I guess I am not anymore. People who know Me for a while now, whether they are My co-stars or colleagues see a change in Me. A certain calmness and maturity which all find worth praising. And they all ask Me the same question. What brought this change in you Mahaakshay? Is it a girl? Is it love? And I simply answer, "Life happened to Me." You see, we don't plan to grow up. We just do. The same way we don't change our lives. Life changes us …

I sit here today, on My chair, at a quiet corner on the sets of My Film, where I am with My thoughts and I just wonder. I just wonder. As to what I was before and what I am today. They say, the first step of therapy is to be honest with yourself. So here I am, trying to make that happen. Finally accepting My faults and gracefully receiving My blessings. A thing I hope I finally succeed in. I have done some bad things in My life. Al though, I do agree that there are people out there who have done worse, I know, that I have done wrong. Some of them really deserved it while most of them, didn't. Whether it was Family, Friends or Lovers, I have hurt them all and a part of Me really enjoyed doing so. I don't know why I did but a part of Me never wanted to stop. Today, when I am finally at this juncture of My life, I have nothing but an emptiness left in Me for the things I have down. I guess I had it coming. We all deserve our due, not in heaven or hell but right here, on god's green earth, while we are still breathing. I know I will never be forgiven for My sins and the ones whom I have hurt will never forgive Me but whoever out there is reading this and those, who I have wronged, I want to say that I am sorry. I am truly, deeply sorry for the things that I did and I hope in this life or the next, you have it in your heart to forgive Me. Before I move on in life, I have to first forgive Myself. And maybe, just maybe, this is that start …

I don't know where life will take Me. It brought Me this far, it will take Me further ahead too. But life is simply beautiful not because of the heaven it shows you from time to time but because it teaches you how to appreciate it. I am not a messiah, nor a prophet but one thing I do wanna tell everyone is to appreciate and be grateful. Trust Me, those things go a long way. And I mean a very long way! I know I am one of the bad apples but I am truly and divinely blessed to have this life! Every moment of it has either given Me something or taught Me something. And it is this life which has shown Me that it is the simple things in life that truly matter. Whether it is the bond I share with My father today or the friendship I share with bhushan, I find life that brings Me a certain joy from the last place I thought I would ever get. Today, I am maturing into the man I was always meant to be and now I know what is important to Me. I do miss special occasions, such as the Dance Performances of My Brother and Sister but I do know that I am here, Working, so that one day, I can give My Siblings what they want. That one day I can gift My Dad a Car, which will make him feel proud of Me. That one day, I can give My Mom that Vacation which will bring her utmost happiness. I want to do all those things and something tells Me that I will …

Some of you must have gotten really bored by now and some of you must think that the 12-steps to recovery is really doing it's affect on Me. But even now, when I am under the influence of My own revelations, I am still a fragment of the man that I was or maybe the man that I am always going to be. Long gone are the days when I used to hit on every girl and boost My ego. Long gone are the days when I thought that having flings and fun was the only essential part of life. But I was so wrong. Today, all those whom I knew have moved on and are with the people who treat them as the queens that they are meant to be. A part of Me laughs at Myself for the stupidity I did back in the day and that side of Me wants to disappear in the darkness. Wants to vanish without a trace and become lost in a place where there is no finding. But there is this other side to Me who wants to endure. Who wants to live through this truth My thoughts have made into a reality that no matter how hard I try and no matter whatever I do, I will always be alone not because the gods have cursed Me to it but because I choose to be so. My 'Greatness Calling' you can say. Before, these so-called 'self-pity' lines used to work like a charm on the opposite sex but today, it is what I believe in. Today, these words have meaning for Me and are a reason for a higher purpose. Today, I live by these virtues and it is these virtues which have showed Me the way to My inner being. To the 'Real' Truth. Call it My thirst for Power, My hatred for My piers or the Jealousy I possess for the success they have achieved, I am the way I am and I know that for a very long time, I am going to be this way. I guess this is the part of the plan as they say …

I don't know if My words made sense to you right now or if they crossed the message I wanted to say at the beginning of this blog. All I want to say is that the end of the world or even the thought of it has made Me realise many a things in My life. Some for which I want to find forgiveness and some for which I am truly blessed about it. Either way, if I survive D-Day I want to promise Myself that I want to be the better version of Myself, no matter what the sacrifice will be because sometimes in order to change the world, we must change ourselves …

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these are My Somewhat Honest Confessions …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Rise …